There are certain places that New Yorkers are absolutely not allowed to go lest someone accidentally mistake us for Nebraskans.
1. Times Square. You are only permitted to go there if you have a meeting at MTV, or if you’re taking out-of-towners to a show–which must be the original cast, ideally still in previews. In other words, not Phantom. In fact, even calling it Phantom is a little uncomfortable.
2. The Olive Garden. Unless you’re drunk, it’s a dare, and there is money on the line.
3. A taping of Regis and Kelly. You are able to say you saw Kelly at the playground. Or at the salon. Or at the gym. That’s as far as contact with them can go. No eye contact either, especially not with Regis.
4. The Today Show Plaza. The people waving signs? Yelling for Al? Proposing on TV? It’s all just too much perkiness. Not to mention all the individuals wearing turquoise. In fact, it’s been whispered that you have to hand over your 212 area code if ever you find yourself within one block of 30 Rock between 7 and 10 in the morning. The Today show, in other words, is the ultimate New Yorker no-no.
So guess where Nate and Thalia and I went yesterday!
Oh yes we did.
Because we thought hey, we’re already up at 6:30 am with the baby anyway. So what’s the difference if we’re home or at this Justin Roberts kids’ concert were invited to, right? Thalia will love it and we’ll have her home in time for her morning nap.
I’ll tell you the difference – making bottles at 7:30 am is not the same as making conversation with well-groomed NYC mommies and their awesome shoes and their kids in their own awesome shoes at 7:30 am. That’s for sure.
Thalia models her free but somewhat ill-fitting Justin Roberts Meltdown tee.Of course not all the mommies we met were as awesome as their shoes and their kids’ shoes. Okay, all except one.
Enter (cue the scary music) Me Me Me Mommy.
Expensive skirt. Expensive pedicure. Expensive nose. And the tightly-held belief that the she is the axis upon which this fair planet spins.
Hey, it’s that guy! You know, that guy, who’s always on Today!There were about thirty of us, plus kids, spread out picnic style on the cordonned-off red carpet in front of the stage. There’s plenty of room, certainly enough for the kids to crawl around and gnaw on each other’s free Putamayo CDs. And despite the early-morning fatigue that’s hanging over the lot of us, the vibe is pleasant and extremely friendly.
Suddenly the fashionably late Me Me Me Mommy stomps through the seated crowd like Godzilla and stakes out a small spot for herself. And her kid. And her sister. And her sister’s kid. Of course this small spot just so happens to be right in front of me.
Actually, right in front of me doesn’t quite describe it. The spot was me.
“Oh you don’t mind do you,” she says without actually waiting for an answer. Then she plops her bag down practically in my lap and sits her kid on my foot. She looks down, sees him sitting on my foot, smiles at me. And then she plants her own ass down, right against my other foot. And despite the disingenuous smiles that she flashed me every few seconds, she made it perfectly clear that she was not going to budge.
Let’s not forget now that Me Me Me Mom’s sister is also there, dragging her own preschooler behind her.
Me Me Me Mom waves her over, and then points to a convenient three inches of available space. And by available, I mean the space right in between Nate and I.
Oh yes. She broke up my family.
Nate and I looked disbelievingly at each other, then did the only thing we could do: we moved our stuff over and slid back a few feet.
It became abundantly clear that it was not a seat near the stage that Me Me Me Mom and her sister were looking for; it was a seat near the cameras. Every time those things were pointed her way, she forced her kid up to standing and told him to dance. You would have thought she was auctioning him off, the way she was turning him to face forward and wiggling his limp little body around. But at least it got him off my foot.
What does one throw towards the stage at a kiddie concert anyway? A nursing bra?Of course Me Me Me Mom’s behavior violated yet another New Yorker rule: Pretend you don’t care about the cameras. Also: Stay the hell out of people’s personal space because you never know who’s carrying a knife.
But since Nate and I are too non-confrontational to actually bring the situation to some sort of satisfying resolution, we handled it the way adults do: We made passive-aggressive jokes about them, loud enough to hope they’d hear us.
Then we enjoyed the song Justin Roberts played.
It was a good song.
Sometimes in life–not always, but sometimes–the good guys come out ahead. Guess who ended up on camera without any position-jostling, foot-sitting, cameraman-flirting, or family-dividing:
T-Bone! Accompanied by Ezekiel, whose resolution not to shave for weeks nicely coincided with his appearance on national televisionAnd wait! I was there too!
D’oh…
There we go. In the black. Clapping NOT to the beat.Also there’s a nice view of Me Me Me Mom’s sister’s enormous back pressed against my nose.
I would say that when it came down to it, it was a very New York day after all.
83 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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Well, look at you! And that Thalia…could she be any cuter? A star is born!Love your description of Me Me Me Mom. There is always one in the crowd isn’t there.
My daughter and I were watching tv saw that!! She’s eleven and was having FITS that she couldn’t get the M-E-L-T DOWN song out of her head! I laughed and laughed! Would be fun to see this in replay to see you staring at Me Me Me Mom in disbelief. What a turd.
I am so miffed that for once I did not watch the Today show yesterday. I, like, always watch the Today show, even though it sucks, because it sucks no more than the other morning news shows I can get on basic non-digital cable.Seeing Thalia would have made the Today show 100% better.
do you ever get tired of me saying the SAME THING EVERY TIME b/c geez i wish i lived in new york…and that i would’ve watched the today show yesterday.
Way to go! Even if you are doing a non-New Yorker thing, at least you are wearing black. Thalia is adorable! That cameraman obviously knows talent, despite 20 years of Katie Couric.
That’s so cute! But I know what you mean about being touristy in your own city. I wouldn’t be caught dead at a tv taping out here but yet I’ve attended many of them. Plus, when you have a kid it seems like all bets are off. But I would’ve punched the me me me Mom for sure!
Ah it’s all beautiful. Beautiful Thallia, beautiful family, beautiful cosmic justice.
dude. This was an awesome, awesome post.Total freakin karma.
Your daughter is the most beautiful child EVER!And I love the way you described that day.I thought New Yorkers were the ultimate aggressive folks – my husband actually says I should move there because I’m exactly the type who would say, “excuse me, could you please move your butt?!” Not really a question but a you-better-move-or-else!Thanks for the laugh!
WOW! Thalia is gorgeous! And is she going to be on the cover of “Parenting” magazine? or “Baby Talk”? Glad you had a good time despite “big white glob” in front of you.
I always watch Today, so the next time you’re not going and not going to be on — wouldja tell me?
During the miserable half-year I worked around the corner from Rockefeller Center, the Today Show concerts were the bane of my existence.Except if you had been there, then I wouldn’t have minded. And it would have given me the perfect opportunity to tackle your daughter with neck zerberts.(sniff, sniff) (misses city, especially with autumn upon us)
Holy mole … Thalia is A-dorable. That picture in the meltdown shirt makes me melt. And you are so brave for braving that circus.
Wow. So cute. I just checked out the video clip on http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/ and she definately looked like she was having fun!
see what happens when you’re just normal and not a baby-pimping camera whore?
Sucks to her. I hate her.I also do the passive-aggressive thing when dealt with same.And she’s fat. Nyah !
Thailia is the cutest. baby. ever. The concert looked like fun!
) Oy. I can’t believe that woman had the gall to just take your space and then invite her sister to plop down between you and your hubby! Then again, it IS New York, so yeah. I can believe it.
Many years ago, I brought the future Southern husband up to NYC to meet the ‘rents. First, though, I took him to Times Square to show him hookers and peep shows. Apparently, I had been gone too long b/c Times Square was clean with lots of bike patrol cops. Such a shame.
Thalia sure is a cutie.I probably would have taken the passive-aggressive approach too. Just easier that way.
When did Bill Gates clone himself?
face time is always the sweetest revenge, best served up *close* and in focus.and it’s not so hard to see why the camera found Thalia, because she is <>just<> that adorable!!remind me to tell you sometime about the various asses my sis and i kicked once while watching Tom Selleck play volleyball. it was a thing of beauty to betold. come to think of it, i’m going to put you in touch with my sister, because i am absolutely certain she can help you with that lack of assertiveness thing! (and you call yourself a New Yorker…) xox
Toyfoto: No circus at all! You think we would have gone there if we had to fight our way through the tourists waving signs? Pffft. This was a guest list thingie. Strictly VIP. Because, you know, I’m fancy that way.
I hate it when people with bad manners almost DARE you to confront them with evidence of their bad manners. Then, the passive-aggressive way of saying “you don’t mind, do you?” really means, “tough shit if you mind, lady, make a big fuss if you want me to move and they YOU’LL be the one who looks like a boor”.My blood pressure just went up reading that paragraph.
Ha. How cute are you guys? And seriously, don’t they know you’re New Yorkers? No one fucks with New Yorkers!
I think if one was to break New Yorker rules, if one does it for one’s kid to see a concert it is forgivable…the Me Me Me Mom …. looooossssssaaaarrr!Looks like you all had a fantastic time!
I LOVE that! New Yorkers sound a lot like Torontonians. I can’t tell you the number of passive-aggressive jokes we’ve made behind people who have plopped themselves down in front of my daughter at our annual Santa Clause parade – loud enough so that they couldn’t NOT have hard us. Good on ya’!
i have to agree my blood pressure crept up reading about this camera whore. I hope her child ends up a stripper (a really bad cheesy one) and mortifies her daily
What? No swithblade in the toe of your shoe? Would have come in handy.
Nice to hear that all that poor behavior didn’t get her anywhere. Reminds me of the glee I feel when a driver who passes me like I’m in reverse suddenly gets pulled for speeding.
There’s an Olive Garden in the city?
Dude….Thalia was born for television! She’s a natural. Someone get that girl an agent! As for Me Me Me Mom? You should have given her an old-school Brooklyn shove and tossed her kid into the mosh pit. Next time we hang out, we’re definitely going to the Olive Garden in Times Square. I hear it’s some of the best Italian food in New York!
So cool!!! Love the pics. I hope the Me Me Me Mom Tivo’d the show so she could see your beautiful little girl on TV.
Your daughter is beautiful! Though Boston is no NYC in regards to tourism (or much else!), I often take my children to local no-nos because it is those no-no places that can be so much fun– and it is why the tourists go there! Who know how long you will live in NYC, but at least now you can say you saw the Today Show live (and were ON TV) while your chewing a piece of straw on your farm in Piedmont, Oklahoma.
MD: I will take you up on that. You know, I do hear that when you’re there, you’re family. How could that be bad?
See, Karma always gets her way in the end. Well, that and the fact that Thalia is too adorable for the camera to NOT gravitate towards!
Um, excuse me.When did Thalia, your <>baby<>, become that little girl with the standing and the inside-joke look in her eye? Ack.
OMG! I’m jealous (that you saw the concert–I love Justin Roberts; sadly, I only try to find kids’ performers coming to my area anymore—no more Reverend Horton Heat shows—unless they start at 5pm!). But, I’m thrilled about Thalia being on TV! Oh, she looks adorable!!!! And, oh dear, should I hide my turquoise? You know, I have quite a bit! The suburbs are a bit more forgiving! Or, clueless; you choose.
Dear God, I’m a country mouse. But I HEART New York!I wish you’d have stretched your legs a little harder than entirely necessary and sent me-me-me-mommy and her asshat sister sprawling on the floor in front of the stage while their beloved cameras were rolling. Fucktards. Your girl is lovely. The Today Show will never be the same.
Way to step outside the box! Me me me mom had an ugly back. So there.(Thanks for stopping by my place
)
SO adorable! Me Me Me Mom lives in every city and her back gets uglier every time, doesnt it?!
Thalia is gorgeous!!!
Yeah – the guy in the red shirt! There was a newspaper article about him – was it the Post or the Times? Anyway, that was great fun and I am happy to have passed the test to make me a New Yorker (albeit not Manhattanite). Olive Garden – is being drunk really an excuse?
Oh by the way, Thalia is gorgeous no wonder the camera found her. I have a daughter named Tali, she is 8.
Oh by the way, Thalia is gorgeous no wonder the camera found her. I have a daughter named Tali, she is 8.
Too bad it wasn’t Me Me Me Mom’s butt on your foot. At least that way, when she’d kneel up to get her boy on TV, you could’ve pointed your toes so when she sat back down it would’ve been like kicking her in the ass. Then you could’ve given her a smile to show you weren’t moving your foot. I hate people like her.Glad the camera people saw through her straight to Thalia, who DESERVES camera time. That’s one very pretty girl you’ve got there.
That was awesome. Did you dine at Olive Garden afterward? I hear they make good bread. Did Mememe come with?
That is the COOLEST! You all look great.You are definitely allowed to be in the vicinity of 30 Rock if you’re on a guest list. Bonus points if you’re only a year old and ALREADY on a guest list. Does Thalia know that she is New York royalty?
Famousness is awesome. GO YOU! I’m surprised Me Me Me Mommy didn’t toss her child at the camera. Aren’t New Yorkers prohibited from ice skating at Rock and attending any outdoors NYE events? That said, we’re taking my Husband to see the tree this December.
she’s obviously from Nebraska
Now you are SUPER famous.
Ack, what the heck is that guy’s name? Eddie? It is driving me crazy!I never did that (I’m a real NYer), but I don’t begrudge you it
)I used to be so aggressive, I’d have chewed her out, but now? Not so sure.My brother and SIL sat with Kelly and Mark at the Scotto’s party in the Hamptons (I’m saying that through clenched teeth). I’m pretty sure that is allowed, and maybe even cool.
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