It’s fittingly, laughably ironic that I, the world’s worst pill taker, am now required to take six of them a day. Seven if you count the prenatal vitamin. Six if you don’t count the prenatal vitamin which I don’t take nearly as often as I should, me being the world’s worst pill taker and all.
My OB gave me the package on Thursday, six months worth of six pills a day, all wrapped up in a smiley face plastic grocery bag reading HAVE A NICE DAY!
Indeed.
A few weeks ago, I tested positive for toxoplasmosis.
In layman’s terms, this is the reason pregnant women are not supposed to change the cat litter. In technical terms, it’s a fairly benign virus–unless you happen to be pregnant. In which case it sucks the big one. Again, technical terms.
If the virus manages to cross the placenta, you most likely want to terminate as you would with any fetus that’s blind, brain-damaged, and likely to be stillborn. So yeah, it’s not really a good thing.
I suppose I have an excuse for The 3 AM Crazies after all.
Now while you’re sitting there with your mouth agape and your open palm clutched to it, let me give you the good news: Contracting it in the first trimester means only a 15% of passing it onto the fetus. Doing so in the first six weeks means about a 2% chance. Even earlier and the odds are outstanding.
As of last week, the special lab who only charges $500 (please bring a check to your appointment) for the test, has put my estimated infection date around 4-8 weeks preconception. Which coincides rather interestingly with certain events around our household involving stray kittens who had yet to have their shots.
(And yes, I have composed the letter in my head to the vet a dozen times. I’m just deciding whether to take the angry “you fucked me” approach, or the stern, “don’t do this to anyone else ever again” route. Outcome TBD.)
So on one hand I know I can breathe relatively easy, with odds overwhelmingly in my favor. Even my high-risk OB, who is cautious in ways that I am now grateful for (i.e. providing a non-mandatory toxo test to her patients) is giving me the “you really have nothing to worry about” speech. But on the other hand, the odds were in my favor for not contracting the damn virus in the first place. It makes me wonder whether I’ve used up my Shitty Things Happen Odds for this pregnancy, or whether I’m like that William Macy character in The Cooler who has such bad luck, that he’s employed by a casino to sit down at the tables near big winners to bust up their streaks.
I’m hoping the former is the case. In which case, there’s a positive side to all this: I can eat that spicy tuna roll I’ve been craving, right? I mean, what are the odds of contracting listeria too?
Then, my OB–whose office is directly across the street from the 72nd Street apartment building hit by Cory Lidle’s plane a couple of weeks back–informed me that the one resident injured in the crash was also the woman who was sent to the hospital by a wayward Macy’s Thanksgiving float a few years ago. I suppose lightning occassionally does strike twice in the same spot.
Needless to say, lying awake at night wondering if my body is slowly poisoning the growing fetus in me is not exactly the ideal way to go through one’s pregnancy. And so I opted for a better course–denial. And it’s served me quite well so far. Or at least until this Thursday, when I was handed the bursting-at-the-seams smiley face bag jammed full of antibiotics; antibiotics that took one full month to procure, since they’re available only by special request from the FDA. Unless of course you live in any other country in the world, in which case they’ve been legal and readily available for twenty-five years. Antibiotics with the purpose of keeping whatever vile toxins in my body from entering the amniotic fluid, without harm to either me or the little 2 centimeter guy in there right now.
I rifled through the stacks of cardboard cards popping with rows of clear plastic bubbles, each bubble rattling with a chunky white pill, and that’s when I realized–I haven’t been in denial at all. Just because I haven’t talked about it much doesn’t mean I’ve been denying it. In fact, I’ve dealt with it in perhaps the crappiest way possible.
The prenatal vitamins, or the irregularity with which I take them is surely emblematic of the problem: I haven’t bonded with this growing being inside me. I haven’t thought about names or nursery colors or whether it’s a him or a her. I can smile and answer the questions (May fifth/22 months apart/Feeling better, thank you) when asked, but deep down, I feel like I’m less planning for another child than managing the affliction known as pregnancy. I’ve been more excited about keeping my weight gain 15 pounds below where it was at this point last time than anything else, really.
I can’t help but think By May 5th I could have a second child. Or by January 5th I could not be pregnant at all. But perhaps that’s true of every pregnancy, isn’t it.
And so I suppose what I’m really doing is biding time. Biding time until my amnio, three weeks from Tuesday. That’s when I’ll get the definitive answer, and that’s when I’ll be able to start looking at newborns with anticipation again, to start remembering the sweet newborn smells and sounds and squeaks and how those experiences will (in all likelihood) be mine again.
Until then, I suppose I just take the drugs, avoid the sushi, start peeking at this fall’s maternity fashions, and hope for the best.
I’ve never gotten hit with a Thanksgiving float in my life. I think that bodes well for me.
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Wow! I’m certainly sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way. Here’s to a good outcome. Thinking of you,
i know this is scary for you… and i’m keeping all my thoughts positive and hopeful and sending them ALL your way. i, too, had a new cat when pregnant with my first child, and was given reason for concern. i was fine, and i know you will be too. after the amnio, when you know for sure? THEN i’ll head into the city and help you kick that vet’s ass. (or sign the petition, whatever you have in mind). be well… and for godssake, take those pills *after* you eat the tuna roll, otherwise, they might make you sick. xoxo
oh, I hope you’re done, too! Like pregnancy isn’t fraught with enough worries. I hope you get the all-clear soon and can get back to the regularly scheduled pains and concerns.
Clearly the stats are in your favor. But I’m sure you’re anxious nonetheless. On top of all the anxiety, I hope you don’t feel guilty that you’re not “bonding” just yet. You know there’ll be plenty of time for that.
My boys are 22 months apart and you are gonna have a great time, honestly. Hard? Mabye but so was calculus and organic chemistry but this is way more fun!
Oh, that sucks. As if you don’t have enough to worry about. I hope the next three weeks go by as quickly as possible for you so you can have some piece of mind.
you poor sweet mama!that’s not fair!your baby is so lucky to have such a smart, caring mother + (i am crying for you that you have to go through this. i’ll be sending you positive healing protective baby + mama energy).is there a color i can turn my blog for toxoplasmosis? keep your sense of humor + take good care of yourself + your car thief
Liz. Of course this situation sucks. There is nothing I can say to make it any better. But I can share with you that I didn’t feel all that bonded to my twin fetuses for most of my pregnancy. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then it did, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that couldn’t be controled by diet alone and I had to give myself insulin shots in the stomach three times a day and prick my finger five times a day.It sucked. But it also got me more in tune with the fetuses within. It was only after a few weeks of this hellish regimen that I realized how much I wanted them and how much I loved them. I’m willing to bet that something like this will happen to you too. It is the things you fight for that you value most.Love you.Hal
Holy crap. That is a really terrible way to have to spend your pregnancy. I’m so glad the amnio is only 3 weeks away, so you can get your answer by December. I wish I knew what else to say.
Sending you good thoughts. Everything will fall into place, just hang in there!
You’ve got my well wishes too! I remember feeling exactly like you do when my triple-screen test came back positive for Down’s Sydrome. It wasn’t until further testing that I could start the process of bonding. Big hugs until you can rest easy.
Oh my God – how brutal is that?Positive thoughts work wonders – sending some your way for sure!
Take the pills. Write yourself HUGE remind-y type notes and put them everywhere to make sure that you TAKE YOUR PILLS.The (fortunate? no, that’s not the right word…you know, something in that vein without being so chipper) thing that will help the three weeks go by faster is that you already have a little one to distract you. During my second pregnancy the time was just a-flying along (and really, I felt a little cheated, as I didn’t get much time to just lounge on the couch and enjoy watching the rolling of the baby belly as she did her cartwheels). Even when I got the blood test results that said that it was likely that I was *either* carrying twins OR there was something wrong with the one in there (what kind of options are THOSE??), I found the focus on Mark really helped the time go faster til the next tests. (and it turned out to be hidden option c: nothing wrong, no twins, just a f***up on the test)Hugs & prayers for you! mkp.s. Did I mention REMEMBER YOUR PILLS!
shit shit shit shit shit.but…it’s going to be ok. really. easy for me to say, but it seems that if your high risk doc is telling you to not worry about it, then…the denial thing. i don;t think (personally) that this is necessarily unhealthy. one person’s denial is another’s way of not obsessing and becoming stressed and unhealthy. what can you do but plough on? i hear you on the “not bonding” thing, but it seems like you are creeping out sensibly on that one. seriously, what could you achieve by spending more time thinking about it right now? (mind you, i am one of those women who takes the minimal amount of tests–this might be my own form of denial, i realize).after my blithe post on drinking alcohol the other week, yesterday i was sitting listening to the BBC and there was a FAB story on fetal alc. syndrome and how it causes autism and ADD and and and and, and I FREAKED. (which is not like me). How could I be so cavalier? What is WRONG with me that I can’t resist a glass of wine now and then? Why why why?This whole magic of reproduction thing–it’s magic, but it’s for the fucking birds sometimes, you know?anyway–get yourself nice and fat, buy some big ass pants, and soak in all the positive vibes that are floating your way right now.
My mom contracted toxo while pregnant with me, and as a result I have no central retina in my right eye. Other than hating volleyball and other ball sports, it isn’t a big deal.my mom got toxo from eating steak tartare (or rare steak), which is far likelier than from cats. but rare meat doesn’t get the same press as cats.I hope everything works out as well for your baby as it did for me, or better!
My philosophy is don’t worry until you have something to worry about because it doesn’t change anything. I’m a huge believer that the mind is smarter than the body. So put it into your mind that everything’s fine. It’s hard to tell someone else not to worry but, don’t worry. I’ve decided to worry for you. My list is so long already that adding your situation to it won’t be a problem. xxoo
Thinking of you and hoping the next three weeks fly by.
You know I will be thinking of you for the next few weeks and praying for the best. What a rotten thing to happen to such a nice person and a great mama. Hugs and love.
Totally sending positive vibes your way. I can only imagine the next three weeks are going to suck … hang in there, we are all rooting for you!
(((hugs)))sending you all the positive energy I have… and hoping the three weeks fly by
I started reading this post thinking you had an overzealous pharmacist.Jeez, Liz, am sorry. The last thing a pregnant woman needs is more goddamned worry.Thinking of you, though, and also thinking it will all be OK.
I know this is going to seem like the longest three weeks of your life, but a positive outlook goes a long way! It still sucks to have to wait it out, though. My prayers are with you. I’m sure as your doctor says, that all is fine. But, you don’t deserve this worry or angst, that’s for sure.
That totally blows. The next three weeks will drag but then you’ll know. How long does it take to get the amnio results? If you are in the clear at this amnio, does that mean you are good to go for the rest of your pregnancy as long as you take the big bag o’ medicine? Oh, and will you be able to find out the gender from this amnio and do you want to know?Good luck, sending prayers your way…
Wow. That’s a lot for one woman to take. Be strong, take the pills, and avoid the giant inflatable turkey.Sending you good thoughts and virtual cookies. Or how about chocolate chip banana bread? Apple pie? Just ask and it’s your’s.
Oh my Liz. That is insane. I have noting really to say except I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
Not sure what the vet situation is, but as a hothead I feel obligated to tell you that I’d go for the flaming bag of dogshit. A big bag. Like a Hefty Lawn and Leaf Bag. Catapulted through the front window.
Ugh. So sorry, Liz. My doc ordered me to have an amnio w/ my first pregnancy (I was under 35) and the waiting just sucked. So I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you get great news very soon.
im saying a little prayer … im sure it will be fine stay away from parades till january
I’m sure this is scary, but you sound like you’re handling this as well as could be hoped for. Like your OB said, you should have nothing to worry about. But I’m sure the waiting is hard. I’ll be praying for good news for you.
Yuck, like you need another stressor. Sending you all the best and extra hugs for Thalia!
I’m hardly an optimist but I have a very good feeling about everything.Still, holding your hand through the www.
I just feel sick to my stomach, thinking about this. I hope the amnio gives you the all clear.
Not to take morbid pleasure in your situation (which sucks, ugh, I’m sorry), but it’s nice to hear that someone else feels less connected to pregnancy #2. It doesn’t make me feel better, necessarily, but at least I’m in good company.
Thinking of you – and yes, those 3 AM crazies are to be expected.
If you’re a worry wart by nature, then, YES every pregnancy brings an unmanageably long stretch of justified worry. But, add a real reason to worry? That’s a lot to take.Thinking of you…
Yeah, that was me.
I’m thinking of you. But I know you will be ok …And that thanksgiving day parade lady? Maybe she needs to go to LA, too. (I would make sure not to move into her neighborhood, though).
Fingers crossed for perfect results from your amnio. While I was pregnant, I ate a lot of spicy veggie rolls and used my imagination.
Many good thoughts coming your way!
Be well, friend. Sending my prayers and positive energy your way.Perhaps the vet needs attention from a lawyer?
oh mama, hang in there. I’m sending my very best, healthiest pre-natal vibes right in the direction of your belly.
I think that’s just about the best excuse for the 3-AM-crazies I’ve ever heard, actually.Fingers crossed for this to be but a small bump in the road, darlin’.
Wow. I worried about that one too…never actually caught it that I know of….but worried about it.You should send that vet a box of cat poop and anthrax. But have someone else pack it for you.
I feel sick for you. Stupid cats. I’m an athiest, but I’ll go out on a limb and pray for you, just in case. Good luck honey.
Delurking to say, I am so sorry to hear this. And only you could make this kind of news both entertaining and humorous. I’ll be waiting anxiously to hear your news and hoping for the best.
Aw, everything just has to be OK. Because the float thing is just too freaky.Don’t you love how no one tells you it’s not only cats that you can get toxoplasmosis from? It’s all over the soil, too.
Oh Liz. I’m sorry for what you and Nate (and Thalia) are being put through.People always asked me if I would have rather known something was wrong with Shalebug while I was pregnant. I always said no, because the outcome would have been the same and there was nothing that could have been done to change it. I would have just been miserable for the entire pregnancy. It would have been difficult to find any joy in the pregnancy – what with all the nausea, weight gain, deformed child, etc…I’m sorry you have to face this terrible anxiety.I hope things work out the way you want them to and I certainly hope Thalia has a brother or sister on May 5 to annoy her in the oncoming years.Good lucks. My thoughts are with you.
Ugh. I’m so sorry to hear that you have yet another thing to worry about. I’ll be thinking of you these next few weeks — good luck with everything!
Good God, woman. Sending positive thoughts and all manner of prayer and good karmic energy and….ah… let’s see – Pixy dust, and white light? – your way.
De-lurking to say, in an uncharacteristically serious tone, take care of yourself. I will be sending daily positive thoughts your way. And if you need help drafting any sort of letter to the vet, please let me know. Grrrrr.
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