Carry On My Wayward Googlers

It’s been a while since I checked my sitemeter to learn what clueless new moms, what semi-literate teens, what fetish-loving freaks of nature had stumbled upon my blog recently–and exactly which search terms got them here.

Hard Proof You Don’t Need a License to Procreate
Can any interesting thing happen during first trimester
No. Nothing.

When does a baby learn to speek
Just before learning to rite

How do you get through the first trimester?
Tragically, you may not. You may just be stuck there for years on end. Luck of the draw.

Worst times to drink when you’re pregnant.
I’d say before breakfast isn’t ideal.

Pregnancy 16.5 weeks
Because the advice for 17 week-ers is just not relevant?

How long do I have to wait to have sex after birth?
I waited 16 years. Some people wait longer. What’s important is that you use protection and that you convince yourself that he loves you.

How can I make my husband understand pregnancy hormones
Get a copy of the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy. Then beat him with it.

Can pregnant women eat soy sauce
No.

Can pregnant women eat corned beef
No.

25 weeks pregnant can I eat fries
No.

Bras for pregnant people
Not just women, mind you. All pregnant people.

8 week old baby and won’t sleep in his crib
The nerve! If he’s still refusing by 10 weeks I’d definitely take him back.

Smiling while pregnant
You must be one of those skinny ones.

Thanks To The Oedipal Set, I’ve Doubled My Readership
Pick-up lines for moms
“Hey baby, you’re so fine, how about I come over and clean your house while you go get a pedicure.”

Mom’s nasty night pictures
Poo explosions. Three of them. You want black and white or color?

Pregnancy sex slaves
At least you know you’ll be free after nine months.

Mom f*cked the babysitter
She paid her all in nickels again.

My mom got boobs
Will wonders never cease.

Where can I find big boobs?
Generally above the waist but below the chin. Occasionally below the waist though. And come to think of it, sometimes above the chin. I suppose it depends on the bra.

Pasties mom pic
Is this what you had in mind?

Now You Want to Talk Freak…
Like to mix honey nut cheerios regular cheerios
I think they have support groups for this kind of behavior.

Okay, But What Are You Really Looking For?
Innuendo spray
The much awaited product extension of Double-Entendre Mist.

Two a-holes
Try this site.

Small willy babysitter
I think it might be illegal to hire a childcare provider based on that criteria alone.

Sexy bangladeshi mom & hunt real by god
Um.

Tingly skin creatures
Eek.

Woman nose big pregnant girl
Huh?

Ingrown hair longest record image
Yep.

House house is a very very to be so
Okay.

Mrs foot smell
Is this like a new cartoon character?

It’s my belly button and the mommy will touch it
Oy.

hippie blas
The precursor to the yuppie blas?

Fruitless cake
So much in life is.

Entirely Random
Symptoms of leaving a tampon in
Well first there’s that string…

What does nanu mean?
That I’m old. I’m really, really old.

AARP membership
Not that old.

Woody Allen hates LA
I guess there’s a certain appeal to New York, where you can be the only man in the room with a woman 1/3 your age.

101 words tell a boyfriend that they are just so great
Oh sweetie, you might want to do it in four or five. Their attention spans just aren’t that long.

Propaghanda
Defn: The spread of misinformation by pacifists

Kenny Loggins souvenirs
Apparently, even Mrs. Loggins uses google

Only In America
Boys love farts
And sadly, so do the men they become.

Welthies guy in utah
And I’m sure you have a chance at him, dear.

Ann Coulter leggings
For some reason, this image makes me want to vomit

Hallmark poems for the dead
“Roses are red, and you’re dead so why am I even sending you this”

Susan Dey so what are you so afraid of
Just a guess, but… this?

You Talkin’ To Me?
http://mom-101.blogspot
You know, if you already know the url, you don’t have to type it into google, right?