Two weeks ago, I woke up anxious, distracted. The way most women do the day of their amniocentises. The emotions were heightened by Nate’s heinous cold which conspired to keep him from joining me.
I sat down with the genetics counselor for my pre-amnio chat, gearing up for the enormous needle that would puncture my belly, penetrating muscle and tissue, and draw two tubes full of amniotic fluid from me. I answered questions. I smiled. I made jokes. I was ready.
And then I was told to go home and come back in two weeks. The amnio could be performed at 16.5 weeks, but for the toxoplasmosis test I’d have to wait until the full 18.
Suddenly I felt like one of those underwater escape artists in the final few seconds before heading to the surface for that first gasp of O2. I was ready for the air. I needed the air. I could go no longer without it. The top of my head emerged from the water–and yet there was now this hand on it, holding me down, telling me, “just two more weeks, okay?”
I hadn’t realized until then just how long I had been holding my breath, keeping my eye on the calendar for that blessed 16.5 week mark so that I could finally put to rest all fears of the toxo in particular, plus all the other general genetic worries that Women of Advanced Maternal Age are taught to lose sleep over. I had counted down those weeks, alternately anxious beyond belief and in a very comfortable state of denial. “It’s just six more weeks,” I told myself. “It’s just four more weeks.” “It’s just three more days.”
And now, my anxiety calendar had been reset back to “it’s just two more weeks.”
I was okay with it. Really I was. Until the geneticist herself, a woman who reminded me in equal parts of a beloved college professor and my own mother, looked at me with genuine sympathy and asked, “are you okay with this?”
And I responded by sobbing uncontrollably in this stranger’s office.
“So we wait a little longer,” Nate told me over the phone. “It’s not like they’re doing this to annoy you.” Wrong answer.
His second answer was an improvement – a long hug and a handful of Kleenex with aloe when I walked in the door.
For all these months, while I laughed and socialized and worked and cleaned and wrote and ate too many cheese calzones, there has remained this nagging, horrible fear in the back of my mind that my diseased body was poisoning my baby. I have functioned fairly well in a comfortable state of denial, which I wasn’t entirely aware of until this day. Mostly I’ve functioned by dehumanizing the fetus. (Not baby, you see? Fetus.) It sounds harsh, I know. But to get through this, I’ve behaved more as if I’m treating a condition than preparing for a baby.
I haven’t dared to imagine its due date, its features, its gender. When friends suggest baby names I just smile and mentally sing the whatever bad song is stuck in my head that day to block it out. I can compare pregnancy complaints with friends (and fellow bloggers), but I don’t allow myself to talk about “when the baby comes.” I have yet to set aside Thalia’s outgrown clothes. I have yet to think about nursery colors or cribs or even find a new OB in Los Angeles for the delivery. I’m an idiot, I know. But I just can’t bring myself to take that step it until I know that everything is okay. To have to call her back and say, “you know that appointment we made? Yeah, cancel that…” well, that would just be too much to bear.
But then things happen over the last few weeks that foil my otherwise perfect plan. Like feeling the first kicks at 16 weeks. Or seeing the baby clearly on the sonogram monitor at my monthly exam, kicking and squirming, waving like it was hailing a cab on 5th Avenue in the rain. Or friends and family who point to my belly and tell Thalia, “there’s a baby in there!” At which point, yeah, it’s a little hard to avoid thinking about this as a baby instead of a rare and unusual parasite that makes my boobs grow and my gag reflex work overtime.
This system is not working well for me, not one bit. I am a Virgo. I’m anal. I need things to happen in the proper order: Find out baby is okay, see baby, feel baby, get excited about baby. But that’s just not in the cards for me this time is around. Instead, we have moments of excitement, which we then have to temper with the potential reality of the situation. We make various “looking good so far” announcments to the family after OB checkups, but we have to follow each one with the now cliche disclaimer about waiting for the amnio results.
The results which were pushed off two long, arduous weeks.
Of course I know that none of this will matter if–when–the call comes announcing all is well, and let the baby naming debate begin. But for now, well, I’ve just been biding time.
Yesterday I lay on the table in the darkened hospital room as the doctor prepped me for the long-awaited procedure. He swabbed iodine over my belly and the tech then spread me with a coat of warm, gooey gel. I averted my eyes from the enormous needle, instead watching Thalia squirming in Nate’s arms, pointing and exclaiming “baby! Baby!” at every photo on the wall. Her new favorite word of the many coming out of her mouth these days. And I thought yeah. Baby. There’s a baby in there.
I saw it. I felt it. I feel it.
I was then surprised by the question, “do you want to know the gender right now?” I hadn’t even considered this option would be available to us yesterday.
The correct answer: “No thank you. I’d rather wait to know everything is okay. I want to keep saying it. I want to keep saying fetus instead of baby. I can hold out another 9 days.”
My answer: “Yes! Tell us! Oh my God, definitely!”
It’s an odd thing, calling family with news when there’s still the big news to come. But at least there’s something to keep my mind off the final stretch of waiting…for the good news. Right? The good news. Definitely good news.
It better be. Because now I know.
It’s a girl.
——-
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Congrats on your baby girl! =)
Congratulations! A little sister…a perfect little sister! I’m looking forward to hearing about your results when the time comes – I’ve never had an amnio (they’re really not done much here in Canada) so I’d also like to know what it feels like. I’ll be sending positive thoughts and vitual hugs and all that stupid stuff, but hoping that it works even though it’s kind of dumb.
Do I EVER know, understand and sympathize about the waiting, the worrying. Oh tons of support to you in that.I’ve been < HREF="http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/2006/12/ambiguity-and-ambivalence-part-3-end.html" REL="nofollow">blogging and blogging about our entire deciding-having-and are we done yet<> parenting travails.We’ve got two girls. So congrats, yahoo! A GIRL! It is fabulous.And…here’s more and more hopes that the good news keeps coming to you…and that time moves quickly…to get you…quickly…to the name debate stage
Two weeks can feel like an eternity under certain circumstances. *hugs* And congrats.
Ugh, getting there to find out you still have to wait two weeks would be agonizing and frustrating. How much longer will you have to wait for the results?And congrats on another girl! We will hopefully find out at the end of the month.
First, a tempered congratulations!!! I would not be able to wait either. Second, my fingers are crossed hard for you that all is OK. I can only imagine the stress and uncertainty of it all. I’m a total planner and that would be killing me. Also, I know how badly you want to bond with this child, but the logical side of you is telling you to wait.And I can so relate to depending on something on a certain date, only to have it put off. When E was in the NICU we were given a certain date for her to come home and a day or two before that date, this bitchy nurse told us she might not be ready. I completely fell apart.And what is with the “are you OK?” causing an instant puddle of tears? I don’t know how many times that’s happened to me – either while pg or shortly thereafter.Hugs to you, hang in there. Good news, good news, good news.
We’re all thinking of you out here…praying for the best possible news.I have an only, a girl, and I always thought if I had another, I’d want another girl, because of hand me downs and so on.
I’m practical that way (Capricorn). But now that my daughter’s best friend just started getting her period, I’m starting to think, hmmm…boy…maybe I should have had a boy….
I don’t know why I’m in tears right now, sitting in my office and reading this, but I am. Sisters are the very best. Good for Thalia.Hoping for the very best of results.
Beautiful post. Very moving. I’m now hunkering down for the next piece of (what I’m sure will be wonderful) news.Also… sorry to be annoying here… but you don’t yet know your baby’s gender. Gender is a social construct – assigning roles and behaviors to males/females. You know your baby’s sex, which is determined biologically.But I can’t wait to learn all about her gender – in the the future, that is.
That post made my day. . . what a lovely post and such fabulous news at the end. As the oldest of three girls, I can say there isn’t much better than sisters.
My toes and fingers are all crossed for you and that little girl; I’m sending virtual hugs and happy wishes for good news. Take care! We’re all rooting for you.
Wow, congratulations!! Another girl. Great writing – you had me right up to that very last sentence which was so satisfying.Of course, I have 2 boys so I have absolutely no advice on how to raise girls (not that you were asking!) I’m sure everything will be all right. But I know those lame words don’t reassure you because waiting on the results of a prenatal test take longer than life itself. Good luck!
yay for girls!
Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope the wait is not too bad. Just play with Thalia a lot and let her happy, positive baby energy fill you up.
When I got pregnant the first time around, I was mistakenly told that I had miscarried. That pregnancy was chock full of anxiety. When I got pregnant the second time around, I thought I would feel much more relaxed but I didn’t for other reasons (one of which was my age). Around 19 weeks, I was still saying “if we have a second child”. It is so hard.I wish you all the best and will be sending positive thoughts your way.
Oh YAY!! Tiny girls, the sweet little things that feed a mother’s soul.And everybody knows: girls are waaay tougher. She WILL be fine, and strong.
Congratulations on the girl – save all your patience now for when they are teenagers at the same time. Crossing my fingers for even better news in two weeks.
Here’s to a lightening fast two weeks, and excellent amnio results. Your post really moved me. I am considering child number two, but am not sure if my fear of my advanced maternal age will prevail. I am sending all the good mojo I can your way.
am a relatively new lurker and first-time commenter, but i thought i’d come out of hiding to say CONGRATS and that i have my fingers crossed for you and your family for the next two wks.also must tell you that i think you are hilarious and a fantastic writer and that as a fellow advertising industry freak i also roll my eyes at the people who think our jobs are OH SO GLAMOUROUS.
Yeah! A girl! I’ll be thinking of you. Wonderful post, too.
Mazel tov!
You have been on my mind so much the past few weeks. I hope you get those great results quickly so you can get on with enjoying the rest of your pregnancy and doing all the fun things, like names, clothes, decorating, SHOPPING.A girl!! Weeeeee!!!!
Congrats on a girl. I’ll be thinking of you – I know it’s hard to wait…Karenxo
that is awesome! a girly girl to knit something girly girl for (and her big Sis of course). Knitting. it’s where i’m at. Sad, I know…All right? Of course it will be (big cuddle from me).
This made me cry tears of empathy, anxiety and amazement at how happy I felt learning it was another girl for Thalia to play with. You really hit it on the head when you said things don’t happen in the right order. Find out if baby is okay, then feel it kick etc etc.. Life is so freaking disorderly, messy, painful and beautiful at the same time, isn’t it?I feel for you and hope all is well for your little girl #2.Lisa
Congratulations! Another feminist growing.
i have been thinking about you ever since i first read about the possible complications you were facing – sending you good thoughts, anxiously awaiting the all-clear, hoping and praying all would go wonderfully for you. this was a beautiful post, and i know that you will be okay. all four of you.also? poor nate… he’ll be overrun by hormones far too soon… just like my own dad was.poor, poor nate.
A-G-O-N-I-Z-I-N-G. Hope the time goes quickly until more good news. Congrats on a little sister for Thalia. She will have a confidant-friend-playmate for life. And my OB told me yesterday that they had to ‘recode me in the system’ because with #2, I now qualify as AMA (Advanced Maternal Age ). Where’s my walker?
Aww, another sweet baby girl! I’ll be thinking about you and sending lots of positive thoughts your way!
Liz- I am bawling right now. That was so beautiful. Can you PLEASE submit that somewhere? I don’t care where. Call the NY Times. Or I will. That was so perfect. So beautiful. So geniuine and you and somehow I completely understood even though I have no idea what you have been going through.And no matter what, she is going to be perfect. She IS perfect. And so lucky. (MAN! Sososososososo lucky.) You are amazing. Mother. Woman. Writer. Your words capacity to overflow and reach distant friends and strangers…)Pregnancy and child-bearing is a miracle. The body’s ability to create something so perfect. You are anything but poisoning your baby. It would be impossible. You are far too full of light and love.
Gorgeous post. I was sent into a frenzy with my second pregnancy because of a terrible nuchal scan. Specialists in the city. Genentic counseling. Would we want to terminate? I know how it feels to all of the sudden put the brakes on and consider that things may not be okay. You will be in my thoughts more than you know for the next two weeks.
I’m praying for you, Liz. Good Lord, I had the worst weekend ever after my fucking tetra screening, I can empathize with what you must be going through right now.
That was beautiful. Congratulations on a sister for Thalia (you are going to have so much glitter you’ll NEVER be rid of it!) and sending happy, happy thoughts for good results!Carrie
Wow what a roller coaster post and I don’t think it could have been anything else. I can’t imagine what you are feeling but after reading this I have a better idea of the anxiety and mind set you’ve experienced. Actually I can in some way (being of <>that<> age)but your ability to tell this story, the words you chose, the emotions you captured, is amazing. Congratulations on another girl and I’m wishing you a trouble free pregnancy.
YAY!! Another sassy little female!Everything will be FINE. Deep breath.
This was really beautiful. I had three of my pregnancies show wonky and it was so, so rough. Hang in there, eat some chocolate and try to hold on.I’m keeping all my bendy parts crossed for you!
You know that move that beauty queen winners do? The waving of hands in front of face to fan back the tears? That’s what I’m doing for you and your news. I’m thrilled for you and Nate, and of course Thalia too. Congratulations!(oh yeah, fellow Virgo here. I know exactly where you’re coming from when it comes to everything being neat and orderly. Kinda sucks to be a Virgo sometimes.)
Oh, wow. Lots of prayers, good vibes, wishes, virtual hugs, and, of course, congratulations to you three, no, four… what a beautiful post.
Audible gasp! I wasn’t planning to find that out today but I’m so glad you spilled the beans! Cautiously optimistically saying thats wonderful news.
Yay! Sisters. Everything is going to work out. Thinking of you. XO
Ohhhhh–a girl! How wonderful. I have been thinking of you, and her, DAILY since your first “waiting for news” post. And will continue to do so until those amnio results show that everything’s FINE.
I’ll just join the chorus and say “Yay! A girl! Don’t worry, she’ll be fine.” I didn’t think you were going to tell us the sex. Glad you did!
I’m crossing all my body parts for you.
You sound good, Liz. Blessings on you and your daughterS.
Hugs Hugs Hugs!!!!How exciting and so very nerve racking!!Congratulations!
It’s a girl! Hooray. May she grow strong and true. That was a riveting post.
tell nate jennster said he has girly sperm! LOLi love that you’re a virgo like me. i can relate to all things planned and anal. bless you. lol
Fingers crossed for you, and Thalia’s little sister!
Yay! A girl!Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you and your baby.
If that little chick can already hail a cab, I strongly suspect she’s all right.It totally sucks that they moved your appointment. I wish the medical establishment would get their [censored, censored censored] communication system together enough such that it might actually feasible for, say, one doctor to talk directly to another doctor for five minutes in order to find out the most medically appropriate date to schedule a test./end rantAnyway I am sending you my best wishes for a good result. Hang in there.
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