I’m staring at Thalia in her crib, just watching her sleep.
I don’t even know how many minutes pass, although I could probably count the time in her slow, steady breaths . I worry that it’s too hot for her, too cold for her, that her pjs have ridden up above her belly, that the there is war and anger and people who might make her feel pain in this world. I wonder what she’s thinking in this nocturnal state, what she’s dreaming.
I want her to be happy, even now.
I am so deeply in love that I can’t even imagine that there was a time before I loved her, a time where I questioned the depth of my affection, where I compared our connection with those described by other moms, hoping against all hope that I would one day feel for her what they already seemed to. I can’t imagine that there was a time that I considered her a stranger, someone I cared for and protected more by maternal imperative than love. It doesn’t seem possible. This is a love so strong, it seems to erase any feelings, any life at all that I had before it.
And so every time I wonder about this second little girl, every time the now tired, cliche fear about having enough love in my heart pops into my head, I try to remind myself of how far Thalia and I have come in 18 months.
And I must believe that lightning can indeed strike twice.
63 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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Reading words like these makes me long for a child of my own. And not too many things can do that. Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Beautiful. Your words, and mother love.
I’m positive that you will love your second little girl as much as you love your first. This is a beautiful post.
It can. I know the doubt…it plagued me my entire pregnancy. And I still worry about being equitable. But I never worry about loving them both. I love them differently, because they are very different people. But I would give my life for either of them without hesitation. They are my life, my heart, my soul…times two. So whatever part of me that loves them so completely simply grew. I am not dividing love for one child between two, I am giving them each the love and devotion that they have created in me when they became mine. It’s an amazing thing. You’ll see.
oh, i remember the sadness with which i would think, there is just no way I will be able to love this next baby as much…there just <>couldn’t<> be anything leftover.you and yours are about to win the love jackpot. all the words I could use up describing it to you couldn’t even come close.
I was going to say something like “love makes more love,” in the way that doing good things brings more good things. It sounds like you could interpret it in non-G-rated ways though.
Thanks for stopping by my place! And for the excellent sealife utensils on Cool Mom Picks.
Your words, as always strike a chord deep in my heart and ahhhh… your beautiful daughter! If I didn’t know better I’d think she was wearing lip gloss. Wait do they make that for toddlers now?
Aw…mom
It’s a funny thing about love, how you can have so much of it to give, to your husband, to your children, a seemingly endless supply. It’s like a glass that just keeps refilling. Thalia is beautiful!
lovely. oh! & be careful – it’s starting to sound a whole lot like you know what you’re doing!
I’ll be watching and reading as you go on this journey … I’ve been questioning my own ability to love another as much as I love the girl sleeping upstairs. And I have to say this … your baby. What a lovely, lovely young girl you have.
You can, you can. They will both be so different from each other, and your love will be too.
the heart grows bigger.and lightning will strike again.
I’m still waiting for that first connection – waiting and wondering what it will really be like and I truly can’t imagine it yet. It’s such an exciting time for both of us, the sweet anticipation.
The heart grows, I’ve got to believe that. And with two faces like the one in that picture (OMG! She’s cute.) how could it not grow? And grow and grow and grow.
As Mrs. Chicky said, the heart grows. It just expands until you feel it will burst. It is the best feeling, ever.Thank you for this post. <> I can’t imagine that there was a time that I considered her a stranger, someone I cared for and protected more by maternal imperative than love. It doesn’t seem possible. This is a love so strong, it seems to erase any feelings, any life at all that I had before it.<>Just yesterday I was telling my husband this about my children and how I wasn’t worried about loving our adopted child.Because I know my heart will grow.Thanks Liz.
What a beautiful post, and I also have to ditto Mrs. Chicky. I’m crossing my fingers that her assurance applies to all families
I have the same fears with the little boy growing inside me. How can I love another as much as I love Becs?!?!?! They say your heart grows … that will be a cool experience!
I heard it described this way…when you fall in love, it is like lighting a candle in a room of darkness…the light shines out, and illuminates everything. Each new candle only makes it brighter. So if the room is your capacity to love, you’re just going to get another candle.
I had that fear when I was pregnant for #2. The first second I heard his little cry I knew I had enough room in my heart for all the children I would ever have. I couldn’t imagine being able to love someone as much as I loved the oldest, I can assure you…the room is in your heart as well.
You just have no idea.Been there.Done that.Played that game.And truly. You have. No. Idea.It’s amazing.
IT CAN IT CAN IT CAN.It does. I’ve only been hit by lightning once, but I know that if I set that lightning rod back up, it WILL hit again.
Lightening does strike twice! I still don’t get how that happens, but it does.People rarely acknowledge that even YOUR newborn is someone you just met. Love grows and bonds deepen. I love my kids more and more as they grow into who they are. As they get older they have more opportunities to surprise me with their humor or intelligence or abilities and those moments are so endearing.Oh and a VERY cute picture of Thalia!
I don’t have experience in this department, but it sounds like everyone has great insights for you!
Thalia is so damn adorable. *melting*
Everyone worries about this, but it just happens. You sprout a second heart, totally filled with love for your second, just as your first heart is full of love for your first.
Trust me, my friend. The day that second baby girl is born it will hit you. It being the most incredable surge of love for this new little being you just brought into the world. And than you’ll be me, two and a half years from now, looking in the room at night of your two little girls. Listening to them breath, just loving them….and possibly wondering if you might want to temp fate and see if you can love three little babies as much as that first one.
Trust me, my friend. The day that second baby girl is born it will hit you. It being the most incredable surge of love for this new little being you just brought into the world. And than you’ll be me, two and a half years from now, looking in the room at night of your two little girls. Listening to them breath, just loving them….and possibly wondering if you might want to temp fate and see if you can love three little babies as much as that first one.
Beautiful! And a beautiful girl too.So when did you say that next electrical storm was coming? May sometime, right?
Absolutely positively, it does. And even when you know it will happen, it still astounds you.
Thanks for this post. I have 3 week old twins and have been feeling guilty for not feeling more madly in love with them. I know it will come, but this post was reassuring.What I’ve heard from other moms re. second (and third, etc.) babies is that your heart simply expands and expands so there’s always enough love for them.
I was so worried about loving Number Two as I did my glorious Number One. But, I found it was actually easier.The first time around I had to learn this love. It took time to blossom into the fierce love I eventually felt. Not this time. It took me by complete surprise how fast and how furious I could love someone I just met.
my own mother has 4, and when asked, she says, you don’t divide love. you multiply it. it won’t be a thunderstorm; it will be a tsunami.
Sometimes lately I watch my daughter do something completely unexceptional and am overcome by the same feelings you just described. It’s significant because I am also familiar with the other feelings you wrote about here–those of the comparatively slow-growing attachment. When I have those lovey, maternal pangs, I’m so happy to finally be getting there. 18 months later.
This took my breath away. Thalia … and her little sister … are two very lucky little girls to be so cherished.I haven’t been around blogland in a while so this was my favourite post I read while getting caught up today.
OK, not to throw cold water on the tsunami, or [fill in the mixed metaphor blank], but I have to (sort of) disagree a little with the previous shards of brilliance.I love #2 a huge amount, fiercely and proudly. But it IS different. After all, they are different human beings, they came along at different times and under different circumstances. They push different buttons on me, they smell different, they make me laugh in different ways. One wants to cuddle all the time, one is much more content with the occasional raspberry on the belly. I was in exhausted, self-conscious, gooey awe of #1; much more practical, efficient and confident about my mothering with #2.I just want to reassure you, and others reading, that if you don’t feel the storm surge [or, again, fill in the mixed metaphor blank] the moment #2 arrives, don’t feel guilty. If you’re anything like me, you will one day be sitting around wondering (and feeling guilty about) why you don’t have a huge crush on #2 like you do on #1, and then BAM . . .#2 will do something that makes #1 laugh, and then the two of them will start cracking each other up, and then you will realize that you can’t get enough of #2, just like you can’t get enough of #1 . . . and how could you ever have considered the family complete without #2, and where has s/he been all your life. . . .
Lightening does strike twice (or more).Just never in the same place.You love this much? It will be fine.Lovely post.
lightning has struck here 3 times.it is magical, isn’t it?
I know. I know. I was riddled with anxiety about it for most of my second pregnancy.Lightening will strike. Maybe not right at first, but it will. And the other thing I never “got” until I had my 2nd was when everyone told “oh, you will not believe how big your first child seems!” I never quite understood that while pg. Like what, your first child is suddenly huge??? Well, it is another one of those things that just. is. true.
Ooohhh … but can the next one ever be as cute as Thalia? Yeah, I guess … lightning (or nate’s seed) will strike twice. Hahaha …
Oh, I didn’t know there was another one pending! Congrats.I was the same with Child No. 1. I had no conscious emotions about him. He just was. I was. We were. I didn’t fear him or hate him, but I didn’t feel any love for him either. I had thought that the moment of birth would be one of pure joy and overwhelming love. It wasn’t. It was bewilderment in its purest form. I had no idea what I thought, what I felt, what the hell was happening. I just kept staring at everyone and shouting, “BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”I think he was about three months old when I started to really feel it. Deeply, I mean. Properly. Something I could attach the word Love to.And now, of course… he is the being that peels itself into all the forgotten chinks in my heart, that snuggles around me so completely, that makes me whole.
Sweet Lord, that baby is gorgeous! Who could resist that face? Or that hat?
What a beautiful photo and a beautiful post.I’ve missed reading you. I’m desperately trying to catch up with everyone. Only fifteen thousand posts to go.
What a beautiful photo and a beautiful post.I’ve missed reading you. I’m desperately trying to catch up with everyone. Only fifteen thousand posts to go.
She’s so beautiful.
It most definitely will strike twice. It seemed to take awhile to really LOVE my first…I mean, I loved him…but not like I love him now that I know him. With my second it just happened right away…I think because I knew what a mom’s love was by that time. I was able to embrace it. And, what Meena said about your first being SO MUCH BIGGER…I cried the minute I saw my son in the hospital room after having Emma. He looked years older and completely different and I was sooo confused thinking when did this happen? When did he grow up? Be prepared. Its awful.
The same thoughts have been in my head, too. Cordy and I got off to a very rocky start, and it wasn’t until well after she was born (like, around a year old) that I started to feel that passionate, protective, crazy love for her that I now feel.Being pregnant with #2 has been tough, because I’ve felt guilty at not feeling connected to this one, even though I wasn’t that connected with Cordy at this point. And I worry that Cordy will feel neglected, too. But like you, I have to believe lightening will strike twice, and it will all work out.
No worries. I’m sure you already know this, based on the logic you displayed in your post, but here’s 2 more cents’ worth from a mother of two daughters: yes. It will strike twice. Just as strongly.
Okay,I know that when I say this …you may not accept it until your kids are much older.Have you read The birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman?I find myself in the middle… in the middle of raising kids. I find that when you have but one child there are things you say or do that create the child before you. I say this (from experience…and from speaking to people who now have 20 -25 year olds who’ s first borns have the some of the same negative traits that my first born has. Along with my oldest sibling…..I see these traits in him….my hubby’s older brother. It is so ironic how they can be soo different and soo much younger or older that you dont see it until later on. I see it because my second born was different….(he didn’t have those same “issues” )Most are ineveitable. NOW:I have decided that for so long my oldest was such a “high acheiver” that he was always on a pedestal.( we put hom there) the older he got (at times) he would teeter off of the top of that pedestal. My hub and I were right there (hands on parent) to SHOVE him right back up there. Now I realize that at age 15…to back off….to let him screw up… he is finally climbing back up the pedestal himself. It took me 15 years! To figure this out. I feel like I have taken away from the glory of Thalia…..The question I was asked by a dad who has a 23 year old daughter and a 20 year old daugher was how can I raise 2 girls EXACTLY the same and they be soo different. His first born has sooo many relationship issues…2nd born…..has it all figured out. I just have to end this now because my comment is rambling…….
oh, so entirely lovely. so, so, lovely.and so true.
Thalia is perfection. And little tummy-ista will be too.
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