I’m staring at Thalia in her crib, just watching her sleep.
I don’t even know how many minutes pass, although I could probably count the time in her slow, steady breaths . I worry that it’s too hot for her, too cold for her, that her pjs have ridden up above her belly, that the there is war and anger and people who might make her feel pain in this world. I wonder what she’s thinking in this nocturnal state, what she’s dreaming.
I want her to be happy, even now.
I am so deeply in love that I can’t even imagine that there was a time before I loved her, a time where I questioned the depth of my affection, where I compared our connection with those described by other moms, hoping against all hope that I would one day feel for her what they already seemed to. I can’t imagine that there was a time that I considered her a stranger, someone I cared for and protected more by maternal imperative than love. It doesn’t seem possible. This is a love so strong, it seems to erase any feelings, any life at all that I had before it.
And so every time I wonder about this second little girl, every time the now tired, cliche fear about having enough love in my heart pops into my head, I try to remind myself of how far Thalia and I have come in 18 months.
And I must believe that lightning can indeed strike twice.
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Oh, I didn’t know there was another one pending! Congrats. I was the same with Child No. 1. I had no conscious emotions about him. He just was. I was. We were. I didn’t fear him or hate him, but I didn’t feel any love for him either. I had thought that the moment of birth would be one of pure joy and overwhelming love. It wasn’t. It was bewilderment in its purest form. I had no idea what I thought, what I felt, what the hell was happening. I just kept staring at everyone and shouting, “BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” I think he was about three months old when I started to really feel it. Deeply, I mean. Properly. Something I could attach the word Love to. And now, of course… he is the being that peels itself into all the forgotten chinks in my heart, that snuggles around me so completely, that makes me whole.
Just don’t make the mistake I did and expect that #2 will be a little carbon copy of #1 and that everything you felt at the birth of #1 will be the same with #2. With #1, I was instantly in love with her from the minute she arrived. I cried when she was born and thought she was the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world. With #2, I expected the same birth experience, but when he was born I felt rather numb, he looked nothing like his sister and I didn’t think he was particularly beautiful. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel the same overwhelming emotion at his birth. But my love for him has grown day by day and now of course I’m completely in love with my little 3 year old man.Also, be prepared to have some sad moments after the new baby comes, because it’s an adjustment having to divide your time and attention between two. You may miss your one-on-one time with Thalia. But you can still have that while the baby is sleeping or when Daddy is tending to the baby. Also, when they are older and you see them laughing and playing together, the times you felt sad or guilty that you couldn’t spend as much time with Thalia because you were caring for the new baby will be a distant memory.
So beautiful! And, yes, lightening can strike, two, three, even more times to the same heart. BTW, Thalia is so flipping adorable. Can’t wait to meet her sister.
Beautiful. You will be amazed at just how much you can love two as much as you love one. There will always be a little something special with Thalia (pretty name, by the way) because she will always be your firstborn, but you will love them both equally.
What is equally amazing is that as much love as you feel inside you at that time can’t imagine loving anything more…until you have another child. It truly is an amazing thing how much love you find you have for each individual child. Then you wonder how you ever got by in life before.A great blog – hope you don’t mind if I add you to my blogroll.
Ooooooooooh, I feel you. I’m brewing a second boy and I wonder the same dang thing.
Yes, it can. And again and again too! I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but you’ll be there. I promise.Carrie
Oh she is beautiful. Lightening can strike so many times in the same place. The pie just gets bigger….
Stop it! My pregnancy-hormone-drunken self is being reduced to tears by your words. Here’s hoping that lightning does strike twice – for both of us.
I meant to comment on this yesterday–I had exactly the same feelings, and the same clichéd concerns. Like you, my early relationship with my first was not all “love at first sight”–I fell in love with him as time wore on (although had the same primordial protective urges).But here’s what I am learning—and this also might sound clichéd. Loving my first son and seeing him become his awesome self has made loving the second easier. He’s taught me how to love (prize for cheesiness goes to me. So bite me;-)) I look at Sam, and I see Jack and remember and I think about how brief this time is, when they are so small. I try and soak it up more, and I see all this potential—this was something I could understand but only theoretically with number one. We were much more parents coping in the moment, adjusting to Life With Baby. When I look at Sam, his Dad and I know how much joy he will bring to us, because we’re experiencing it. And so I enjoy him at this early stage more than I did with Jack. (Does that make any sense?) At first this made me feel guilty, but then I realized that it was because Jack has made me a better parent—and I’ve told him this too
Beautiful post, Momma – I am proof positive that – not only can it hit twice – lightning can indeed zap you…as much as four times…even more…some times ;o)
Gracious, she is a beautiful child.
beautiful friend (yeah — i know — where the hell have i been lately?) trust me, not only does lightning strike twice, you will fall for your new precious one so freaking hard your ass will hurt, even as your heart swells. it’s painful, in a way that’s remarkable and wonderful and uttterly <>exhilarating<>. that said, your little Thalia is about as cute as a sweet baby girl has a right to be. xoxo(hey, i may be outta site, but that doesn’t mean you’re not on my mind)