I consider myself lucky. Mostly, so far, I have been spared the groping hands of strangers, the terrible unwanted advice, the annoying repetitive questions (when are you due/ do you want to know what you’re having/ what is it/ do you have a name picked out/ so what are the contenders/ oh come on you can tell me/ I promise I won’t tell anyone / what’s your problem/ fine be that way) that every pregnant woman turns into her cache of war stories.
Perhaps this is a factor if it being the second pregnancy. Maybe there’s something in my walk, in my poise, in my general aura that says, “got it down, now go away.” Or maybe I’ve just been lucky.
But there is one question whose response seems to warrant retorts from people that are so beyond stupid, it’s amazing: How old will Thalia be when the baby is born?
“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Wow, that’s crazy.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Do you know what you’re getting into?”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Wait until you see how much harder it is this time.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Mine are 2 years apart. It’s a nightmare.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Well good luck. You’ll need it.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Really? You planned it that way?”
Are people just senseless? Clueless? Socially retarded? Do they think that their need to express their own fears or difficulties somehow trumps my own need for reassurance and kindness right now? It’s about ME, people! ME. You know, the anxious pregnant lady with the 18 month old in the stroller standing in front of you. Not you. Isn’t there something positive to be said, some sort of optimistic comment about how close the kids will be, or how great it is to get all this pregnancy business over with, or how lucky I am to have milked the blessings of the fertility gods before hitting forty when they’re far less cooperative–instead of jumping right to “you stupid fucking no-thinking breeder?”
Okay, no one’s said that but it sure comes out that way.
Or maybe it’s the hormones.
So I admit, there has been one other series of comments that stuck with me over the past week. They came from the mouth of my old friend (that’s “friend”) Single Childless 40-Something Coworker, that goldmine of clumsy quips and inadvertent insults, who I encountered once again on my business trip last week.
(Oh lord, please don’t dooce me for this.)
“You don’t look pregnant,” she said to me accusingly when I first walked into the office.
Which means what? I normally have a huge distended belly? Boobs that enter the room five minutes before the rest of me? An ass just made for the new office’s double-wide doorways? An overabundance of elastic in my wardrobe? Coats that won’t button?
“I’m faking it,” I responded. “You got me.”
Ugh, there are easily ten better comebacks I could have mustered, but for some reason, I’m always dumbstruck in her presence.
I can only imagine it was a failed attempt to redeem herself the next day when she glanced up and down at my swollen figure and announced, “Oh you TOTALLY look pregnant today. MUCH bigger.”
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My kids are 23 months apart. It is very hard at first but now that they are almost 2 and almost 4, it is wonderful. When they wake up in the morning, they immediately look for the other. They play together in the basement while my husband and I snuggle on the couch. They love each other more than I ever thought possible. You will love it.
Next time, just tell your coworker, “By the way, when are YOU due?” Should shut her up pretty quickly.
Dam it, Metro beat me too it. It hard to think of combacks in the moment. I have millions of them….about ten minutes later. Liz, seriously you should have told her today, yes I am bigger, but in a few months after the baby is born I’ll weigh less again and you’ll still be a bitch.I met a woman today with 19 month old triplets and a 6 week old. I am in awe of her. You’ll do fine, you are a strong woman and a great mama.
Forty-something childless blogger here: It will be so cool for your kids to be close in age. My sister and brother are 2 years apart and have always been the best of pals. And you look marvelous, as always.
Well, I only have one, but I think there is something to be said for having two close in age. They will play better together, and they will probably be closer as adults.
Delurking to say that I so know where you’re coming from with this post! I had jury duty a few months back (when I was about 6 months pg–now I’m 36 weeks). One of the other potential jurors cornered me in the bathroom and started asking questions–is this your first? blah blah blah. After I said I had a daughter at home who would be about 19-20 months when this new baby girl is born, I got the ‘wow, that’s really close, did you plan it that way?’ asshat question. Seriously, where do these people get their nerve from? I’m sure there are pros and cons both to having your children close together and having them farther apart. It’s a personal decision and no one’s business outside of yours and your spouse’s/partner’s/etc. I wish I had a good come back line for folks who get all intrusive like that. Until I come up with something, I’ll just continue to shoot them my patented “ass face.” Works every time to help make them feel stupid.
My boys are 22 months apart (60 days between birthdays exactly) and it’s GREAT. Seriously. I can’t imagine doing it any other way.Sure, both were in diapers together, but I wouldn’t have potty trained the older any sooner, so this way it was less total years being in the diaper phase.There was no learning curve with nursing, the older had only stopped nursing a few months before.They’ve always been best friends. The older doesn’t remember ever being an only and there were never any issues with bringing in the new baby.PLUS – your older will still be playing with baby safe toys, so you won’t have to worry too much about choking hazards left on the floor.I can go on and on. Needless to say, I would recommend it to anyone.The only weird downside? People have thought they were twins since they were 2&4 and totally expect too much of the younger child.
My #5 and #6 were only 17 months apart, so I feel your pain. They are today the best of friends. Gaia actually said everything that I was going to say.
That woman is retahded. Seriously.
The feely hands and repetitive questions are bad, but what about when someone bends down and talks to, or worse, KISSES your belly? Eeek!Also, now that I am within two weeks of my due date, people keep asking me incredulously “what are you doing out?” Guess I’m supposed to stay locked away at home and pass my time by knitting.
People are just passing their bullshit issues on to you. Deflect them, Mom101! Deflect them with your charm, your wit, your snappy retorts. Mine were 28 months apart. There were days it was hell; there were days it was great. I’m not sure I won’t do it again. There is no easy answer. All that matters is that baby is healthy and loved; all the rest is negotiable.Fuck ‘em.
Mine are 21 months apart, if I can survive I am sure you will. It is a bit insane at first but then any time you have a baby it is crazy for awhile. I love that my kids can play together now and like a lot of the same things.
Mine are 17 months apart and now at 8&9 are each others best friend and worst enemy – sometimes in the same minute. It will be interesting to see how the dynamics change as we bring #3 into the mix a mere 8 years later….With #1, I was the typical crabby pregnant lady and the week I was due, I was out running errands and the multitudes kept asking when I was due so I started telling them August which was 3 months later just to dare them to say something else. I took great pleasure in making total strangers completely uncomfortable.
Just adding to the chorus here — 22 months apart rocks. Sure it was a little harder at first, but now (at 6, 4, 2 1/2, and 8 months) my kids keep each other entertained and happy (most of the time).
My kids were two minutes apart. I think your planning was very wise.
What. the. fuck.Glad to see that even New Yorkers still can’t muster any sort of decency when it comes to dealing with pregnant women. I got quite a few queries along the lines of “Were you trying?” and “Are you happy?”Again – what. the. fuck.
Someone asked an inappropriate question of a my friend when I was around, and I heard her say, “My, that’s a very personal question!” with exaggerated shock. She received a profusion of apologies.
As Sarah said, my kids are 7 minutes apart. I think I was very wise in the way I planned it, having more than 5 minutes to catch my breath before having to push out a second one! What a dweeb your coworker is. My brother and I are 11 months apart. Now THAT is bad planning!
Lady M: I have done this. It works very well! Your friend is wise. Gaia: Thanks for all the reassurances. I love the toy aspect. I had never even considered that.Sarah: Hilarious. Two snorts to you. Johnathan: You are my hero. I will think of you and your four under 6 whenever the going starts to get tough.
“You don’t look pregnant” is only a compliment when one has a figure like a stick of gum. Otherwise? Rude and worthy of being horsewhipped.
Ahh… those people never had twins!But I loved your “I’m faking it!” response. I would say that because you look and feel so much better this time you surprised her!
hopefully she meant that the rest of you was in great shape. i heart mom101be my valentine!
Yes people are senseless, clueless, and socially retarded. Also often stupid.Having a second child is a challenge any way you look at it. Our kids are 2.5 years apart and that works very well for us. The only thing we tried to avoid was to have them too close. My wife would have killed me if she got pregnant when our son was four months old. come to think of it, maybe that’s whey we never have sex any more:-)Having the kids further apart would be tough for me. To start with diaper stuff when my son is 8 would be rough but I would of course do it if we were blessed with a child later on.From my experience, teh key to having a good family life will not be your newborn. It will be how well your older child behaves. If you have a nice, fairly well behaving kid, chances are it will be a great time. If your older child has the terrible twos syndrome for a whole year, you’re in for a challenge.Best of luck and nice weekendAD
When #2 arrives on Tuesday (or before, if she cooperates), she’ll be 20 months younger than Lumpyhead. When people remark on the spacing, I tell them my husband will be very busy. That usually confuses them enough to shut them up.
I have 4 kids 19, 18, 16 & 1. So I’ve gotten “looks” & “comments” most of my adult life. First two are 18 months apart, third one came 2yrs and 1 week later and the fourth, well, he came along alot later, obviously. I just tell everyone I got alot of love to give and who better to give it to than my kids. Oh, and the old faithful response “Back Off Bitch!” tends to work in a pinch.
… umm, mine are 20 months apart. Yeah we wanted it that way. Yes I loved it. No, it wasn’t THAT hard. Ignore them.
Living your nightmare. Mine will be 24 months apart exactly.“Other than the fact that you could have timed that better, how cruel a mother are you to make them possibly share a birthday?”Repeatedly said to me.The kind of mother that will have to miss out on chocolate cake for her birthday (the heartburn), a pitcher of red ruby martinis for her birthday (FAS) and a decent night’s sleep on her birthday (going to be 39 weeks pregnant and all).I hope this one is as big a hellion as his brother. Boring children suck.
Having just brough home #2 a month ago and #1 just tunred 2 last week, I can say with a fair amount of confidence that it’s not so bad. I would have to say that the hardest part is that, in my case anyway, I had forgotten what life was like with a new born.
Mine are 20 months apart, and like everybody else here, I LOVE it. There was a period when I had to run interference between them, but now the Pie is pretty much able to keep up with her brother in everything, so the law of the jungle prevails. (She’s learned to get very good at the rolling landing when she gets pushed over – within seconds she’s up-and-at-em again.)When they’re this close together, you don’t have time to forget everything you learned the first time; there’s not a huge adjustment to the arrival of the new baby because you’re still IN baby mode, to a certain extent. And personally I enjoy the gasps when I mention that I have “a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old”: I figure I’ve earned it.
There are 18 months between my first and second and 18 months between my second and third. My take was once the diapering, teething,(insert any stage here) is over it’s over. Don’t get the people who safely make it out of some stage (sleepless newborn) and then turn around and do it again. My way led to some insanity but mostly has been good.And for the perspective at the other end–my sister and I are also 18 months apart and neither of us has been in prison. (So far…)
(I haven’t read the other comments, so apologies if fifty people already told you this….)Mine are 20 months apart and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, I don’t remember much about the first year (but do you really, ever?), but they adore each other, I rarely have to figure out activities in terms of what she’ll like but he’s capable of, etc. PLUS, you’re out of the diaper phase that much sooner. (I always tell people I had them that close together because I knew that if I ever got out of diapers I’d never go back again.)My brother and I are 3+ years apart and never really had much in common, were rarely in the same school at the same time, etc. My two are going to be pals for life. And so will yours.
There are 18 months between my first and second and 18 months between my second and third. My take was once the diapering, teething,(insert any stage here) is over it’s over. Don’t get the people who safely make it out of some stage (sleepless newborn) and then turn around and do it again. My way led to some insanity but mostly has been good.And for the perspective at the other end–my sister and I are also 18 months apart and neither of us has been in prison. (So far…)
har har. me and my big sis are 22 months apart, and i could not wish a better relationship on a pair of sisters.
As the mother of twins, I can totally relate to people’s insensitivity. If I had a dime for every time some complete stranger said to me “oh double trouble,” I’d be rich. Beyond imagination. I usually responded, “no, double the joy.” I do believe I once said something along the lines of “why would you say something like that?” Sometimes I’d say, “Yes, I’m planning to sell one of them.” Surprisingly, some people got rather uppity with me when I didn’t agree with them that twins were too much work. Children are work, but they’re also bring unbelievable joy. Why not focus on the joy?Of course, this comment was only surpassed in rudeness by the complete strangers who asked whether I’d used fertility treatments. I’m not sure why these people felt I’d want to discuss my reproductive life with them, but they did.
I didn’t say it but should have that, of course, two children close together is very possible, very chaotic, very fun, and very fantastic.
Feh…stupid people really don’t bother me, anymore. I guess I’m immune to their stupid quips or perhaps too busy counting heads, or something.It’s hard not to listen, though, and I used to think that perhaps some of those stupid people were right.Once #3 came along, all thinking sort of…you know…stopped.Or, was it after #4?!?!Ooops – don’t worry, that small popping sound you just heard was just another one of my brain cells burning up – good thing I’m just another stupid breeder, huh!?!? ;o)
OOOo did you punch her? I had someone tell me after coming back to work on a monday, “Oh, jeez, you look even BIGGER than you did on friday!”, I said “No shit, that happens, EVERY DAY until the baby pops out, thanks for noticing!”. Hang in there, and congratulations!
My kids are 12 months, 11 days apart. It was really weird walking around with a 9 month old, being 6 months pregnant. The universal (asshat) question that I got asked was “Don’t you know what causes that?” But, really, it was great in so many ways. Once they were both toddlers they played really well together. I think this actually gave me more time to read, clean, cook, etc, because they would entertain one another.Jennifer
everyone out there who has two kids — any number of years apart, doesn’t matter how many — raise your hand. okay, ummm, you. over there by the window. yes. how many years apart are your kids? 3? and was it easy? no? alright moving on, how about you over there, drinking the starbucks mega-enormo double chocolate caff-whammo. how far apart are your kids? 5 years? and how was that for you? easy? no? okay, next. there’s one — you with the doublewide stroller. how bout your kids? 1 minute apart? oho, tricky! how bout it? easy or no? no, huh?that’s funny. hmmm. (taps chin with index finger, eyes pointed upward.) might it be that <>NO MATTER HOW YOU SPACE THEM OUT, HAVING KIDS IS FUCKING HARD?<>
I think you’re absolutely brilliant for timing them this way. People really ought to think before they speak (or utilize the anonymity of the internet, where bloggers like us can utilize our delete button). Just think about how CLOSE those children will be to each other-after the sibling rivalry has subsided, they’ll be the best of friends!Oh yes…and it is not more difficult because of how close or far apart you spaced them-the only difficulty is, you guessed it, parenting itself.
I’m still working on baby #1, but I got bloody sick and tired of people asking if this baby was an accident when we told people we were pregnant. I expected it from my close friends and family since we waited so long to have kids. But people I barely knew? I was speechless! Where do people get the nerve to ask such personal questions?
“They’ll be 22 months apart.”“Terrific… they’re going to be best friends and always have each other to lean on as they go throughout life”Is that any better? Because speaking as someone who was never even in the same school with my brother, I think that’s great.
Oooh, boo ya!I drove my husband to work this morning (my former workplace) and he said, “You can drop me off in the front if you want.” “Why would I do that?” I asked.“I thought you wouldn’t want anyone to see you that way,” he said sincerely.Grrr.
“or how great it is to get all this pregnancy business over with”This is what I would have said to you. While I loved being pregnant and having an infant, those were not my favorite stages at all and now that Hugo’s a toddler I’m thinking that if we are not pregnant by this time next December, well, then Hugo will be the only heir to our measley, if not completely disorganized, estate. And I’m completely ok with that because I don’t want to spread out this pregnancy/infant thing throughout my 30′s.
Some really good friends of ours have daughters 20 months apart (9 and 11 now) and it’s awesome for them. She loved it when they were babies, she loves it now. The girls are the best of friends!And whatever to all those people who say stupid stuff. They said equally as stupid stuff to me and my girls are 5 years apart!
Ok, when my 2nd arrives, the little ones will be not quite 24 months apart. I totally know what you mean about the comments about how close they’ll be in age and how hard it will be. I sometimes feel I need to apologize that I’m 2 yrs from 40 and I needed to hop on the wagon now for fear of having “advanced maternal age” issues. But screw them, we don’t need to apologize, they do, for making us worry about how tough it will be. Guess what? It will be tough regardless of how close or not close the little ones will be in age. And those negative folks need to learn to edit themselves better. Phew! I guess my rant is over.
Just wanted you to know I’m in the same boat and we will survive!
“They’ll be 22 months apart.”…and the best of friends(they just won’t know that until they are 22 years old) hahahah jkMy first two were 14 months apart….and to this day people still ask me if they are twins. They have peaks and valleys of being the best of friends and enemies. but it’s the moments when they think no one is watching that your heart will melt…and get baby fever all over again. Next time someone asks how far apart they will be just say…8 months.and when someone makes the comment of you not “looking pregnant” just flash ‘em yer belly!! Okay….maybe your boobs instead!!
Mine are 16 months apart, and people used to openly gasp when they saw me. And yeah, it was hard at first, but it was also REALLY fun. And the kids, they are teh best of friends, already.Now I’m thinking about going for number 3, and that’s REALLY crazy.
Lucinda, that man of yours has some balls–both of which are calling for a swift kick. Mojo: Amen, woman! I’m 38! How much longer would people like me to wait? I feel like I’m vaguely tempting fate as it is. Thanks EVERYONE for all the encouragement and great support. Ya know, with so many families having children this distance apart, it’s a wonder that it’s even an issue. It seems to be more the norm than the exception. Hm.
I’m 38, and my daughter (our only child) is 27 months old now. You know what I hear from friends/neighbors/random strangers ALL THE TIME? “When are you having another one? Don’t you think it’s time?” How do these people know we haven’t decided to only have one, because of our ages, or money issues, or just because maybe we feel more comfortable with one? Hell, for all they know I am deathly ill and couldn’t handle another pregnancy. The rudeness defies comprehension!
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