I consider myself lucky. Mostly, so far, I have been spared the groping hands of strangers, the terrible unwanted advice, the annoying repetitive questions (when are you due/ do you want to know what you’re having/ what is it/ do you have a name picked out/ so what are the contenders/ oh come on you can tell me/ I promise I won’t tell anyone / what’s your problem/ fine be that way) that every pregnant woman turns into her cache of war stories.
Perhaps this is a factor if it being the second pregnancy. Maybe there’s something in my walk, in my poise, in my general aura that says, “got it down, now go away.” Or maybe I’ve just been lucky.
But there is one question whose response seems to warrant retorts from people that are so beyond stupid, it’s amazing: How old will Thalia be when the baby is born?
“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Wow, that’s crazy.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Do you know what you’re getting into?”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Wait until you see how much harder it is this time.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Mine are 2 years apart. It’s a nightmare.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Well good luck. You’ll need it.”“They’ll be 22 months apart.”
“Really? You planned it that way?”
Are people just senseless? Clueless? Socially retarded? Do they think that their need to express their own fears or difficulties somehow trumps my own need for reassurance and kindness right now? It’s about ME, people! ME. You know, the anxious pregnant lady with the 18 month old in the stroller standing in front of you. Not you. Isn’t there something positive to be said, some sort of optimistic comment about how close the kids will be, or how great it is to get all this pregnancy business over with, or how lucky I am to have milked the blessings of the fertility gods before hitting forty when they’re far less cooperative–instead of jumping right to “you stupid fucking no-thinking breeder?”
Okay, no one’s said that but it sure comes out that way.
Or maybe it’s the hormones.
So I admit, there has been one other series of comments that stuck with me over the past week. They came from the mouth of my old friend (that’s “friend”) Single Childless 40-Something Coworker, that goldmine of clumsy quips and inadvertent insults, who I encountered once again on my business trip last week.
(Oh lord, please don’t dooce me for this.)
“You don’t look pregnant,” she said to me accusingly when I first walked into the office.
Which means what? I normally have a huge distended belly? Boobs that enter the room five minutes before the rest of me? An ass just made for the new office’s double-wide doorways? An overabundance of elastic in my wardrobe? Coats that won’t button?
“I’m faking it,” I responded. “You got me.”
Ugh, there are easily ten better comebacks I could have mustered, but for some reason, I’m always dumbstruck in her presence.
I can only imagine it was a failed attempt to redeem herself the next day when she glanced up and down at my swollen figure and announced, “Oh you TOTALLY look pregnant today. MUCH bigger.”
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yeah, when i told certain people that there would be 4 years between the two of our kids, some responses were “never mind.”can’t win.and yes, i do regret that they will not be closer in age–so it’s a little harder at first with just a few years apart. what you end up with are two kids that are likely going to be bonded as friends. i am hoping for this with my two, but know when they are 12 and 16, it’s not really going to happen. when they get older, and have the bond of thinking their parents are fucking nuts–THEN they will come together. It’s my hope, anyway.
My babies are 25 months apart. The most common comment I got was “Boy, you’ll sure have your hands full!”My second baby was so happy and easy going that it wasn’t awful at all. It was a lot to manage for about a year, but I didn’t drink myself into a stupor at the end of the day. At least, not EVERY day!
Julia and Oliver are two years apart. Yeah, it’s tough at times, but any idiot is gonna realize that at some point, you know?The stuff people say to a pregnant woman blows me away. A family friend called me Tubby while I was pregnant with Julia. Dave’s grandfather told me I was pudgy just after I’d given birth to her. My next door neighbour cautioned me about weight gain because she could see my “other chin” when I was pregnant with Julia. By the time I got pregnant with Oliver I told people to shut their fucking mouths when they started opening them.
I can so relate with your post! My kids are 23 months apart, on purpose thank you very much, and I’m glad to have the very difficult pregnancies behind me. The kids love each other a lot (when they aren’t tackling each other, but I digress.)I’ve been trying to decide which of these comments said to me when I was pregnant is worse:By female boss: “You look like you’re wearing pajamas. When I was pregnant I just had to buy regular suits in larger sizes.” I was in fact wearing business casual apparel from Mimi Maternity and the office environment was business casual.By random old white guy in Starbucks: “You should consider a water birth.” Lots of things were going through my mind, but alas, I remained polite and bit my tongue.Kandicehttp://boardroomtoplayroom.blogspot.com
Um, I always thought kids born closer together would be better friends growing up, since their ages are so close that they tend to hit the phases of life together. Which could make taking care of two that close together and so young easier, since they’ll entertain each other.Next time that coworker says something to you about looking pregnant (if the opportunity ever arises again) you could say, “Funny, you don’t LOOK retarded.”Or if you see her when she’s pregnant (if she ever gets that way) you could say something along the lines of hoping the baby gets more of the daddy’s genes. I know I’m mean. But stupid/rude people tick me off.
People are stupid and say stupid things.I have heard them all… and then some. “Better you than me.” “You are crazy.” “Ever heard of birth control?” or the ever popular, “Are you going to have anymore?”close in age is difficult when they are so small and completely dependent on you, but so much easier when they are older and are similar ages and can enjoy the same things (museums, plays, movies, Disney world all come to mind)
Are you kidding? That was a great comeback!!My first 2 are 18 months apart, so I TOTALLY know how you must feel. Just wait until they’re a little older and people start to think they’re twins, then the comebacks get really fun!!!Carrie ;0)
“I’m faking it.” hahaaaaaaha. That’s awesome.
My kids are twenty-two months apart, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was never hard. Never. As soon as Toto became old enough to be a playmate for Dorothy it was delicious to see how close they became. I especially like it when they can complain to one another about me!
Instead of saying congratulations when we told them we were expecting our second (our kids are 22 months apart):FIL:Oh, you are really in for it. One will be screaming and the other will too. You better start weaning him off you now.”SIL: Wow, you just get soooo big when you are pregnant, and gee, I just guess I never did. (update, sil is pregggers with big fat ass right now. All told, I gained exactly 21 pounds per pregnancy and carried it all up front. Boo-YAH.)other SIL: Look at your tubby wubby…lifting her shirt, and look at my little flat stomach. Yes, someone actually talks like this, and I am related to them now.Update: now SIL is 1st time pregnant, 6 months along, and gained 65 pounds and going strong…)MIL: wow. too bad you wasted your masters. My son would have really done something with his. (when I decided to take a childcare leave.)Sigh.It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be based on everyone’s predictions that fed into my fears. We let our son ask for what he needed, and didn’t push the big brother thing, and he adjusted quite well. The second was much easier, maybe a little temperment but mostly experience and attitude. Oh, and DH was already trained.too funny. you get em, mom.
“They’ll be 22 months apart.”You’ll find out the truth all on your own. But oh, good luck with that!
I feel your pain sister. My girls are 15 months apart. Once #2 is born all the morons in the world say with their stupid faces, “Wow, looks like you’ve got YOUR hands full!” Har har har–horse laughing all the way out of earshot. It annoys the crap out of me, in case you can’t tell.
My boys are 18 months apart (the little one is almost 9 months) and I LOVE it. Amazing!
Really great job on growing extra pregnant overnight! I’m sure you did it just for your coworker.
Mine youngest are 15 months apart. I’ll spare you my useless advice. I too get the unwanted tidbits and TMI checks to the tune of “Are they twins?” and “You made the same mistake in spacing your kids out like me.”
Did I just type “mine youngest.” WTF? I meant, “my youngest.” I’m a tard.
Oooh, did someone say personal questions?My favorite moment of my 2nd pregnancy was when a corporate guy was visiting our office and saw my very prominent 8 month pregnant belly. I carried all out front and he had approached me from the rear, so he was taken aback when he saw my tummy.Poor guy stuttered and said “when did this happen?” He had been in the office about 6 months before and I hadn’t told anyone yet, so he had no idea. He left a skinny woman and came back to a huge pregnant woman.But “when did this happen?”!!? I laughed and said “well, it was a stormy night in October … oh wait, that’s not what you meant, I’m due next month”.
I had 2, 23 months apart…fabulous, perfect in every way. Had 2, 2o months apart….perfect, worked beautifully. HAd an 11 YEAR GAP, don’t do that, that was tough. Had 2, 11 MONTHS apart, really, I am still sort of traumatised by that although they get on great now ( they are 5 and 6) then had another one 23 months after the 11 month gap thing, let me say that 22/ 24 months aprat is the BEST, no jealousy issues, the first one is old enough that you can snuggle the baby while the bigge one plays …..well done you, it’ll be great. Helen, with 6 kids, 21, 19, 17, 6, 5 and 3 and lots of grey hair.
mine too will be 22 months apart….and I am tired of ppl and their unwanted and rude and negative reactions.. blogged abt it sometime back at http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/11/how-are-you-going-to-manage.htmland http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/09/pregnant-again.htmlall the best.. am sure you will do a great job and completely enjoy them.
Could you please spit in your co-workers water some day when she isn’t looking? Ugh!Better yet, whenever you see her, just say to her sweetly, “Oh, you look tired!” That makes people crazy.No matter what their spacing, kids will delight you some days, make you crazy other days. I doubt very much that those whose kids are 5 years apart are saying what a cakewalk it is!
“I’m faking it. You got me”Can not stop laughing.
Someone I barely know asked me if I was planning to have more children. (My only child is 3 and 1/2.) I told her I wasn’t sure and she replied, “By the time you have another baby, the age difference will be pretty big. I tend to think it’s better to have them closer.” Guess that means I’m too late. What to say? Thanks for the tip? My point (and I do have one) is you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It all comes out in the wash. You can’t win for losing. Six of one, half dozen of dozen of the other. Que sera sera. It is what it is.
It will be brillant! Your girls will love each other and have built in playmates! Aren’t you glad to get all of the pregnany businiess over with quickly? (Was that good? Do you feel better? I hope so!)
I can totally tell that you’re pregnant from here. You’re what? 18 months along now? Or is that twins you’re carrying?
My boys are 23 months apart and they are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. BUT, even if the were freakin’ 48 months apart, I would be saying, they are the best of friends and the worst of enemies!
The interchange with your coworker sounds so familiar to me. When I was 38 weeks pregnant, an acquaintance came up to me, beaming, and said, “You had the baby!”Uhhh…no. Did I really look that big *before* I got pregnant?
Slouching Mom, that’s about the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Yes, I know, it was pretty awful. And I’m not even particularly overweight, no more so than the rest of us used-to-be-8′s-or-10′s and now 12′s.I don’t know how some women — who let’s face it as a group are so much more intuitive than men — can have such colossally poor social skills.
Out of my playgroup of seven moms, three had a second baby with their first being 18 months (and under). They are all doing just fine. And I had LOTS of people asking if I was trying again yet only three months after I had my son. I guess I had “breeder” stamped across my forehead?
I agree with Carrie and Lisa, your comeback was great! Much more clever than anything I could have come up with on the spot.
I hope at least one person has said “22 months apart? How awesome! Built-in playmates!”That’s what I would say because it’s totally true
lol at the pregnancy comment from your co-worker.My older 2 are 25 mos apart – it’s perfect. they are built-in playmates, and they share many of the same friends, and most of the same interests. Our only real problem is that it feels dorky to invite the same people to 2 parties 1 month apart. So we combined parties last year.I think having kids close in age is brilliant. But, then, I did it. My 3 are in a nice clump.
i did the 20-24 months apart thing with all of my boys. going from one to two, its harder in a sense of timing. you know getting two kids ready to go at such and such time, other then that, pfft kids are fun and they will be close enough in age to play together congrats on the new baby
)
I was just inundated with stupid observations like, “Do you get morning sickness?” Do you really want to know, Mrs. Stranger-I-Just-Met-Waiting-In-Line?
I have a 22 month old, and a 5 week old and it has been great. There are new challenges…like trying to feed them at the same time, but in many ways it is easier because I don’t have the anxiety that I had with my first baby. When I was pregnant had many of the same comments made (including one woman who told me what a hard year I had ahead of me since her kids had the same age difference). And because I carried the majority of my pregnancy weight in front of me, many strangers would tell me they didn’t think I would make it to my due-date. I just laughed it off…at least no one asked me if I was having twins…which was a frequent question in my first pregnancy (my son was 9lbs8oz at 38 weeks). Best of luck and have fun with it!
I’m pregnant with #2 (due in April) and my kids will be 26 months apart. I know how you feel. I just saw your blog and have a lot to read up on
Mine are almost exactly two years apart. I have a friend who has four kids, and the two oldest are. . . seven months apart. That’s right. Her second daughter was born, prematurely, seven months after her first daughter. The two girls are NOTHING alike; one is a dainty princess and the other is a roaring tomboy. When she was pregnant with the second, people she barely knew constantly asked her “haven’t you had that baby yet?” She told them ‘No, I’m six months overdue” and people believed her.Seriously, most people mean well. They’re just stupid.P.S. Her third and fourth children are two years apart. She said she wanted some space between them.
My worst comment came when someone was projecting their own problems on me, when I announced my pregnancy.Me: I’m pregnant!Sister: Wow! Are you OK with that?Me: Yeah, it’s funny, but despite the challenges we’ve been facing financially, I’m super excited and so is hubby.Sister: Well, it’s OK to cry and freak out, you know. When I found out I was pregnant with my second I would cry every day, I was so upset.Me: Um, no, actually, we’re all really happy. I gotta go now, bye.I get asked the standard stupid questions all the time, but noone has really asked any doosies yet.
I feel ya sister!
Mine are 27 months apart. It’s fabulous and you will be so very happy! Sure, you’ll endure the “why did I do this to myself?” moments, but more often then not, you will be HAPPY and GLAD that it all turned out like this! Just wait and see!
I think, “I’m faking it. You got me.” is brilliant.
Man, all I get is people telling me: 1.) “You are waiting too long for the second one. Your son is already two-and-a-half and OH MY GOT YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT AGAIN YET? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? You want to make your son an only child, don’t you! Don’t you know what happens to only children? They turn into selfish freaks!”Or,2.)”What? You might want another baby someday? Don’t you know that even thinking about having a second one at all is evil? As if one baby weren’t enough! The world is overpopulated! I bet twenty years from now I’ll have to wait in line for forty minutes just to get a latte. Thanks a lot.” I second the previous poster who said, damned if you do, damned if you don’t . . .
Here you go — one from my archives for you — < HREF="http://scarbiedoll.blogspot.com/2004/10/top-10-surefire-ways-to-piss-off.html" REL="nofollow">Top 10 Surefire Ways to Piss-Off a Pregnant Lady.<> My sis and I are 16 months apart and we’re best friends. Sure, it was tough on my mom in the beginning, but in the long run, it paid off to have us so close together. We take care of each other to this day, and built-in playmates left her a lot of time to catch up on Y&R.
My first two are 22 months apart, and it is great. They are so close to each other, built-in playmates, they have each other to depend on and lean on, and you get all the diapers out of the way quickly. And no jealousy because the first one won’t remember what it was like without the second after about a week. My second and third are 30 months apart, almost to the day, and the third and the caboose are 33 months apart. The baby is 2 months old and we didn’t have a single jealousy issue until now, with the oldest. My kids all get along really well and they love each other to pieces – not to say that they don’t fight, but God help you if you are an outsider and take on one of them – you’re actually taking on 3 (will be four, I’m sure, once Nemo is old enough to take on anything). There are tough moments, but when are there not? You’ll love it.People are just plain dense sometimes. Lead, I tell you.
hmm. well, unfortunately, stupid people don’t limit themselves to blathering at pregnant ladies. my typical response is to blink, and then thank them for their *small pause* considered opinion. that usually shuts ‘em up.my brother and i are 22 months apart. mom planned it that way. we nearly killed each other as kids but are close now. a friend of my mom’s had her sons 9 months and 2 weeks apart. the comments she (and her husband) STILL get – 30+ years later – are unbelievable. Non illigitamus carborundum.
Well hell, my kids are 6-1/2 YEARS apart, and baby #3 will be a full 10-1/2 years younger than his older brother. We get the same goofy ass questions, about being crazy, or “having to start over”, etc. People are just stupid, plain & simple. Enjoy your babies, because they won’t stay like that *sniffles the 36w pregnant mom whose eyes tear up everytime she looks at her 1st baby) and enjoy what’s left of your pregnancy:)
My children are 26 months apart. The youngest turned 23 years old the day you wrote this entry in your blog. My kids have, from the very first day, been closer than any two siblings I have ever known. To watch this bond happen and continue to get stronger has been one of the great joys of my life. Enjoy your children, they will be each others best champions.
I realize I’m late responding here, but I had to add to the chorus of: you’ll be glad it happened this way. I can almost guarantee it.It took us almost five years to have Daughter #1. We thought we weren’t the most fertile couple around, and I was exclusively BFing DD#1, when, lo and behold, I discovered I was pg with #2. #1 was not even eating baby food. She wasn’t crawling. She was a little over 6 months. We were stunned.#2 came a little early, so they are 14 months apart. I’ll be honest: the first year was a bit of a blur. Not a bad blur. I just don’t remember a lot of it. But now? I wouldn’t have spaced them any differently if I could have planned it. I LOVE this close sibling thing! My girls are the best of friends, have a built-in playmate pretty much 24/7, love all the same toys, characters, games, and TV shows. They can even share clothes a lot of the time, and when they can’t, the hand-me-downs go straight from one dresser into the next.One day (in the early days) I was in the park swinging Older DD in a toddler seat while wearing Younger DD in a bjorn. Both began to fuss, and I must have looked exhausted. A woman with a 3 and 4 year old (also girls) came over to me and asked how far apart my girls were. I told her, and she said, “Mine are 16 months apart. You may not believe this now, but some day, you’ll be really glad they are so close. I know I am. It gets easier. I promise.”Her words gave me hope that day. Sometime around ages 2 and 3 I realized she WAS right. And now, at ages 4 and 5, I’m still looking for a woman w/a toddler and a baby to whom I can pay that advice forward. Maybe it’s you?I’ll keep looking, b/c it was such great advice. To heck w/all the naysayers. Close sibs are the best.And thanks for visiting my blog. I feel like a celebrity stopped by and said hello today
I have four kids–the first two were 16 months apart (quite by accident). After about three years and one miscarriage, number three arrived. Followed by number four 18 months later. That’s was totally on purpose. Even it’s really hard at first, it’s a great thing later in life. My youngest is 16, and I still tell people that it’s great to have them close.
hahahahahhaa…. I too have felt the sting of the nosey, insensitive people. I found a cure- tell them EVERYTHING!!! Every little disgusting detail. Chances are, you say the words “cervical mucous” ONCE in a conversation. Word will get out… no one will WANT to know anymore!! hahahahahaha…. Of course, I'm just a bitter (secondary) infertile who's just started fertility treatments… and after 2 1/2 years of “WHEN are you guys EVER having kids???!!!!” combined with hormones and the baby machine sis-in-law (2 in <2 years), I get cranky really really easy!!!
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