By 26.5 weeks gestational time, nearly 2 years ago, we had a crib ordered, bedding being custom-sewn, nursery paint selected. I had spent easily 657 hours researching bottle nipples and infant baths, which changing pad cover was the cushiest and which nursing pads left the least obtrusive outlines under your stained cotton bra. I had given Thalia a nickname, The Bean–original, I know–if not an actual name.
I had written something of a pregnancy journal for her, even if it is too embarrassingly bad to ever share. I had read to her. I had sung to her. I had squinted my eyes hard and tried to envision what she might look like based on a few fuzzy sonogram shots.
By 26.5 weeks gestational time, i.e. today, i.e. the third trimester is upon me, i.e. holy shit there is really a baby inside me and it’s going to come out one day very soon and it might actually need things–
I have done nothing.
Nada.
Forget nursery colors, there’s not even a nursery. I haven’t researched double strollers. I haven’t dusted off the breast pump.
Not only don’t we have a name picked out, we haven’t even discussed it.
Although I am warming up to Moxie Crimefighter Too.
We don’t even have a nickname. Sorry #2, you’ve simply been saddled with #2. I promise to make it up to you with extra dessert one day.
I’m not sure to what degree this lack of planning is simply the standard for baby # next, or a dastardly way of avoiding thinking about the inevitable changes to come.
Try as I might, I can’t picture what our life will be like with double the daughters. I want to imagine buckling them in the car for a quick run to the store (to refill my Percocet scrip, no doubt). I try to see plane rides across country, hopefully on wide-bodied jets with the rare four seats across. I attempt to envision wrangling them both into a booth at the corner diner on those Saturdays when slapping together my own grilled cheese sandwich just seems too big a burden. And then I see myself opening the paper while seated alone at the diner with both girls, picking up a pen, opening the crossword as one of them starts to fuss and…
That’s when my brain screeches to a halt, pulls an illegal U into oncoming traffic and finally steadies itself with more comfortable questions like whether we’re out of milk or if I’ll have time to get a pedicure during the week.
Hate to use an outdated ghetto-fabulous phrase, but it’s like my subconscious is waving a flattened palm in the face of my conscious and saying, Oh no girl, don’t even go there.
Of course as Nate reminds me whenever I allude to panicky feelings, we’re not the first ones to have spawned twice, ya know. And so I try hard to keep in mind that there are families out there with four kids. Or seven. Or single moms raising twins. They’re adapting, surviving. Better – they’re happy. But instead I think of these stupid exchanges that keep happening to me. A couple days ago I met a woman who stared at my belly and exclaimed, “Your kids will be HOW FAR APART? Are you CRAZY? Do you know how HARD that will be? What were you thinking! You’re not going to keep working are you? Now THAT would be nuts.”
Yes, she really used the word crazy. Yes, she really yelled it.
I just smiled and nodded and plotted future ways to humiliate her in public.
And then dwelled on it for the next 48 hours.
Truth be told, I am not exceptionally worried about where the new baby will sleep, what she’ll wear or even what I’ll scribble on the birth certificate that first morning in the hospital as I cradle her in the crook of my other arm, carefully avoiding the wound from the IV. I know that breast pump is around somewhere and if we can’t dig up that infant bath, we can certainly get a new one.
I know that overall, of course everything will surely come together in the end. It always does.
But I am a little worried about why none of it has felt like a priority just yet.
73 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
We have been in the process of adopting our #2 for TWO years now. We are just a couple of weeks away from seeing her picture for the first time and a couple of months away from bringing her home.I have two friends that are bugging me to go register and asking me about a baby shower. All I can say is, “well, we’ll need a monitor”. I know there are things that I should be freaking out about – like a name besides “#2″ -but I haven’t managed it yet.
I’d chalk it up to knowing you’ve “been there, done that” and can do it again like a pro. #2 won’t know she wasn’t born with a nickname- I’m sure she’ll get one pretty quickly!!
As someone a half a week behind you in pregnancy jail, with my 5th, I can say none are EVER the same.. with my 3rd, I was like you, that kid was lucky to have a diaper bag, it wasn’t until after his birth I went freako and shopped like a mad lady (realllly fun with the after effects of birth leaking everywhere) and with this one I’m hoarding crap like I’m never going to leave the house again. And only the bassinet has been bought. But if he happens to come out with teeth, he’ll be well fed until he’s 18 with the amounts of food I’ve gotten. It’s alll different, and it’s alll gravy.. your preparing in your own way, she’ll be fine!
Same issue as you with #2. Only had a name, nothing else. Gotta tell you, had him on Sunday and must say the denial made the 39 weeks FLY BY. And it appears that I like him as much as the last one. And my labor was about 24 hours shorter. Maybe all that lack of stress was a blessing in disguise…:-)
When I was pregnant with my third, someone gave me a joke similar to < HREF="http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/194691/jokeid/58265" REL="nofollow">this one<>. This one’s missing the part where with your first child you record every second of their first few months in a gold embossed baby book (first smile, first teeth, etc.), with your second child there are some notes written on the backs of old envelopes and for the third child…”go ask Grandma.”
Heh, I think…I thought…what you’re thinking…each and every time, too.Some things <>will<> be easier; others…not so much.The “happy” you mentioned, <>is<> so damn worth it, though.Yes, there’ll always be worries – no matter how many and how far apart they are – but, judging from what I’ve read here (and based on sitting in a room with you for only two hours) I think you’ll be fine.Then – after, like 3 or 4 – it won’t even matter so much, anymore.Like, whether or not they’ve taken a shower and actually used soap.Got Lysol?
This has been said, I’m sure, but here it is again – it’s not a priority because this time, you know what you’re doing. You’ve been dere dun dat. You’re not gripped with worry because you don’t need to be – what you know you need to know, you already know. And all that other stuff, that you might need to know but don’t know it yet? You’re blocking it out. Because it’s safer that way. For your sanity.
Oh people can just be so stupid sometimes!It is hard in the beginning to have two close together, BUT when they get a little bigger, it’s wonderful to have them be so close in age. Really… you’ll have the last laugh — and all will be well.
It is all going to be fine. Everyone I know who has children closer together than not say that they are happy that it turned out that way. And, If you must know, my parents refer to me and my brother in emails as “#1″ and “#2″. So much so that he and I now sign off to each other as “Kid #1″ or “Kid#2″. So I think that #2 is a fine name. (Except that I am Kid #1)I am sure this was exceptionally helpful.
Delurking to say its not so bad. My parents did the Brady bunch thing (5 kids), then 15 yrs later – suprise! Here I came along. When my mom was pregs with me, my dad wouldn’t let her do any prep b/c he knew a lady who had really got into prepping for the baby then lost it. So I guess since mom was older he was worried about her getting too attached or something. Anyway, she tells me after she brought me home that she was bringing out the old crib & washing it so she’d have somewhere to put me.
And I turned out fine (really).
You sound exactly like I did with my second. I swear, I caught my 34-week-pregnant profile in the window of a store as I was carrying my son (you know, with his leg resting on top of the belly) and I thought “whoa, I really am having another baby”!I think it’s just different the 2nd and 3rd time around. You have other distractions (like your daughter) and not as much time to spend just thinking about that little life inside you.Don’t feel bad, it’s perfectly normal, and you are probably more prepared than you know!Carrie
That is exactly how I felt! With number 2 I felt no urge to obsessively decorate or prepare in any way. At 36 weeks I finally got my butt into gear after I was hospitalized for a kidney stone and realized “Oh my friggin, god, I’ve done NOTHING!” Then we frantically ordered a new dresser and washed clothes.And you will survive. I promise. I know the task seems daunting right now and, yes, there will be an adjustment period, but you’ll get into a routine and it will be as if there were always 2. My boys are 15 months apart and I heard all the same comments. My youngest is now 13 months, so we survived the first year. Good luck!
Oh my god, I know there’s a lot in this post that I love and relate to but the thing I keep thinking over in my head? “Holy crap, 27 weeks is the third trimester? Holy crap…”Because I’m 23 weeks prego with #2 and what baby? What? baby? Thank you.
Yes they are close together but that way they might even play with each other one day. Mine are so far apart that I’m raising two only-childs right next too each other (fighting, screaming, jealousy….)With the second child you are more relaxed and that is just fine!You went throuh all this before, you have all the stuff that you need and you know that alot of the big ado is totally unnecessary. And for you the “Way to do this” has not changed yet. When I was in the hospital with my second son I suddenly had to do things differently. “What do you mean, not sleeping on the side? On the back?” Of course, my first son slept on the side and my second son as well and the don’t have a flat backhead thankyouverymuch…You’ll be fine.And that whole “oh my god, we’re having a baby!!!”, skip it. Babys have been born and will be born all the time. And the only thing they really need is love.
Because you’ve been there, done that and know what is important and what is not. You are a pro.
I just gave birth to my second child a mere 7 weeks ago. The first one turned 2 in the meantime. It was really overwhelming (the first 4-6 weeks or so) but we’ve finally hit our stride and I think it only gets better from here. The only difference between 2 and 1 child is that it takes a bit longer to forget what it was like before there was 2.
Hi, again! As a mother of two babies, 11 months apart, I know exactly what you’re going through. I was not as prepared with my second (I didn’t even have her crib set up until 2 months ago and Ava is already 8 months!). So I guess this is still an on going matter. But you’d be surprised at how less worried you’ll be when “#2″ arrives. Yes, there will be some challenges and you’ll feel like pulling your hair out, but you will survive it – like all mothers do and reap the benefits of raising two wonderful children. I guess that’s why they call it Surviving Motherhood. You will be a great second time mom!
It’ll all come together in the end, as you said. I know what you’re saying, though. With Mimi, my pregnancy was in the forefront of my thoughts CONSTANTLY — the world seemed to revolve around decisions related to the baby. With Rosie, I don’t think it really sunk in that we were having another baby until the morning we were in the hospital gearing up for delivery. Then it started to seem real.And I wanted to tell you, if I see that ‘CRAZY’ mom, I’ll smack her for ya.
It’ll fall into place. You know it will. And, hello, my #5 and #6 weren’t named until after they were born. I did zero prep for #6, cuz she came 17 months after #5 and I was too tired to think about it.You will be great. How could you not?(And, for some reason, google/blogger doesn’t recognize me, so I’m over at http://www.momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com)
I had twins when my oldest was 20 months old. All infertility babies. We actually started trying again right away after #1. Best thing ever…he never knew what just happened in his little world! They are now 10 and almost 9 and best friends. Seriously. They get along really well and we never have to switch gears to deal with them like if we had many ages. They like the same things and have always been playmates. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
4 weeks away from my due date and a 21 month old toddler… same boat as you… ppl always think they can plan your kids better than you! and yeah.. i am also pretty calm abt the second one.. its all good.
I was totally not ready with clothes or anything for DS, now 13… thank goodness, at least when he was born I was ready with the birthing supplies, as we had planned for him to be born at home (as was DD, now 18) – because he came in >gasp!< under an hour from the time I realized I was in labor! Caught by papa (DH), wrapped up and waited for midwife... fun was had by all!Cheers and best to you, Mom!
I'm 35.5 weeks along with my second boy…
We have no name picked out.
The crib is not set up.
I haven't bought any new clothes yet, or washed the hand-me-downs.
I have no carseat!!!
I'm freaking out as I write this.
I don't have my bag packed.
My house is a mess.
And my 3 year old is potty training.
I'm hoping I'll go to 48 weeks, by then i might be ready.