I have been asked by several readers of my last post if I wouldn’t mind further explaining the concept (or perhaps my concept) of Midwestern hair.
I swear, I’m not one of those New Yorkers who discusses “flyover states” without irony, or says things like, You’re from Idaho! No way, do you know Bob from Ohio? But there is such a thing as Midwestern hair, even if not all Midwesterners have it. It’s a fact. Just like there’s a New York accent or a California tan or a Texas inclination to put minor felons to death.
Truth be told, you don’t even have to be Midwestern to have Midwestern hair.
The Patron Saint of Midwestern Hair. Cue the harps. Midwestern hair is a cut that just misses (at best). It generally incorporates style tricks from a decade or two earlier, like angled overgrown sideburns in front of the ears or a spikey top with shorter sides. Or perhaps it’s just a sad helmet-looking thing that hangs there over your head as if it weren’t even attached to your scalp in the first place. The word shellack comes to mind.
To say nothing of the color. The word shellack comes to mind.
Indiana hair. For real.
South Dakota hair.Of course living on a coast does not guarantee one a spectacular haircut, I assure you. I know my own hair is hopelessly inadequate. It always has been, ever since my mid-80s Ducky ‘do. Or even sooner. There’s one photo in my baby album of a 3 year-old me, just out of the pool, with an opaque mess of dark unnatural looking curls parted down the center, falling into my face and covering it in spotty patches. Years later I came across the photo and asked my mother whether I was wearing her wig.
Indeed, my hair is my beauty cross to bear, which is why I work the cleavage. Much rather you look there. However since in New York we pay six times as much for a cut–or sometimes 32 times more for it–we feel entitled to act as if we look better than everyone else.
Orange County Mom Hair looks great on the over-70 set!
NYC hair. Don’t look directly at it – use a mirror for your own safety.However we do have one thing in NYC that other cities don’t: Better hair salon names.
Our salon owners, for the most part, seem to save their creativity for the inside of the salon and simply use their names for the outside. But in smaller towns and cities, wow, you just can’t beat the salon names.
I’ve always loved driving through unfamiliar places and checking out the name of beauty establishments. They are simply the best in any retail category, bar none. And because I am a total freak whose mind works in absolutely useless ways, I mentally categorize them, if not actually jotting them down somewhere.
First of all, there are the cliche names that you see absolutely everywhere: A Cut Above. Shear Elegance. Mane Expressions. Pizzazz. Foxy Lady.
Don’t believe me? Google “foxy lady” and hair, and you get 124,000 hits.
Then there are the fast and loose spellings which seem to permeate this retail category like no other: Nogginz. Sassi Styles. Topp Notch Hair. Changez. Kutterz. Hairdooz. These are also the people whose children are named Madysynne and Tymythy, no doubt.
I cannot for the life of me figure out why Topp Notch Hair was chosen over Top Notch Hair. Maybe the latter was already taken?
This summer when we were driving down from Raleigh/Durham to Carolina Beach, I caught perhaps my favorite name ever: Best Little Hairhouse. It absolutely works as a pun. Do I want to go to the best little hairhouse? Why, yes! Yes I do! Other salons are not so smart about their puns. I can only imagine what hair do’s and don’ts occur at the following establishments:
Scissor Happy, Lowell, AR
“Take just a little off the si…no? Um, okay.”
Doc Scissors, Boise, ID
They make you wear those paper gowns.
Tangles Hair, Freemont, NC
Bring the kids!
Anything Goes for Hair, Omaha, NE
Is this a good thing?
Fanny Brice Salon, Reynoldsburg, OH
Evidently that other contemporary style icon, Ethel Merman, was already taken.
All About Nails! Columbus, NE
The first place you should think of for a cut and color.
Curl up and Dye, Logan, WV
It just gives every customer a warm fuzzy feeling.
Headgames, Madison, WI
Maybe we’ll give you the cut you want…maybe not. You’ll know when you take off the blindfold.
Crosshairs, Kansas City, KS
“Next victim?”
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Lincoln, NE
A truly transformative experience
Although there is one single worst name for a salon that I uncovered this morning while searching for hair salons. I kid you not, this is an actual place, and more frightening yet, it’s a chain. I saw it time and time again, in cities across America from coast to coast. I beg of you, go someplace, anyplace else. Please. For me. For the children.
It’s called J.C. Penney
84 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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I think I have a place that has all of those names beat. I live in a rather white bread city, and we have a place called “Kountry Kut ‘n’ Kurl. I shit you not.
The midwest also dresses “midwest”. The Husband is from Chicago and every time we visit for a long time (more than 3 days — which is all that I can handle my ILs for) I work in our Chicago office. I always think “midwest dress” when I am in Chicago. It is just not quite “right”. And this is coming from a fashion-moron! I think it is department store dressing rather than shopping the small boutiques like most people do in NYC. Weird though.Not necessarily WRONG (like mullet wrong), but just not quite right either. I thought was the only one who noticed this.
Ha! Well then, I am glad I moved from Iowa to the west coast at the tender age of 17.Cut N Corral101 N Main St Galva, IA 51020Seriously.
Not only do we have a Shear Elegance salon in our town, we also have:Shear ArtistryShear BeautyShear EssenceShear ExcellenceShear HappinessShear MagicShear OdysseyAnd my favorite “cutesy spelling” salon:Kut Klose Hair Salon (Using “C’s” just would not have provided the same ZAZZ factor!)
Growing up, I had my hair cut at Thrillz.
there IS such a thing as Midwestern hair, and I have trolled the deepest darkest portions of this fair region in order to find a nice Gay Boy who can think outside the helmet.He exists. At LOCKWORX (gettit? gettit????)
My in-laws are Midwesterners and they use so much hairspray that if they dunked their heads under water, their curled helmets would still be in tact when they came up for air. They also wear mom jeans with pockets so big they also use it to carry around their casserole dishes.
when I first moved to san francisco, I got my hair cut at a place called “bladerunners.” Because it was on haight street! and they all had tattoos!here in detroit, we go to Barberella. She’s no joke, though.
Dear god, is this funny:<>Evidently that other contemporary style icon, Ethel Merman, was already taken.<>Evidently you’ve spent some time thinking about hair.Thank you for the explanation. We were all waiting with bated breath. You rock.
Here in Columbus, we also have a Best Little Hair House. Although we also have The Chop Shop, Brett’s Of Coarse Hair Salon, Aftermath, Final Cut, and Hair Raisers. My hair certainly can’t be compared to any of the pictures you used, but it certainly isn’t high fashion, either. It’s hard to find a good salon in town that won’t butcher my hair, but won’t charge more than my mortgage to make me look good.
Everytime I get a hair cut, someone tries to give me midwestern hair. So now I am just refusing to get it cut.
Oh my goodness, you’re all making me laugh so hard! Christina – Aftermath? Seriously? Dutch – Bladerunners totally works on Haight Street. Maybe not so much on Main Street. Stephanie T- Yes yes YES! When I searched around, that Shear_____ thing was everywhere. Makes you wonder whether they think they’re being original or just don’t really have the time to come up with something else. Like Aftermath.
ahhhh….here in pennsylvania we have “unique designs” “malcolms” “a cut above” and “the lemon tree”…thank god for the lemon tree!
Oh-so-many years ago, I got a Bride of Frankenstein perm at JC Penney. I actually returned a week later to have it straightened! Oh boy, it was bad. And that was back before I discovered fitness and health, so the way-too-curly ‘do only accented my Popeye’s Chicken cheeks! Ugh. Never again!Signed,Laura in Indy (Home of “Headquarters” – heh heh)
<>Curl Up and Dye<> is the name of the hair salon in <>Blues Brothers<>, which makes me hope that the WV owners have good taste in movies rather than homicidal tendencies.
Good catch, anon! I’m humbled by your comedic knowledge.
OK, I grew up and MOVED away from a little town in Idaho that has a Salon with the name, “Country Hair Illusion” For the life of me I can’t figure out what that means. But the pictures in my head are priceless. It truly scares when I realized this same woman/salon owner used to substitute teach in our school system. Timely post,not more than 5 minutes ago I posted about my own hair angst.
OK, I grew up and MOVED away from a little town in Idaho that has a Salon with the name. “Country Hair Illusion” For the life of me I can’t figure out what that means. But the pictures in my head are priceless. It truly scares when I realized this same woman/salon owner used to substitute teach in our school system. Timely post,not more than 5 minutes ago I posted about my own hair angst.
Where I went to school, there was a place called Follicle Follies. Seriously.If I went to a salon, it would be called Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.And don’t deny that your hair is awesome. From what I saw on Wednesday, it bounces and behaves as well as any I’ve seen.
Curl Up and Dye?! LOVE it. And I grew up in a town that had a Best Little Hairhouse. Sad, but true. Also sad, Midwest hair is sometimes really horrible but we’ve got some doozies around here too. It’s called “Worcester Hair”. Think big. Really big.
What did the Midwest do to hurt anybody? I assure you, not everyone in the Midwest looks like this, maybe the 40-55 age group like in the photos you posted but the under 40 set does not dress or style their hair like this. Especially not in Chicago.Liz you slammed Milwaukee not too long ago. If you ever get sent back drop me a line, Ill show you the side you didn’t see and I promise you won’t even know you are in the Midwest.
Oh Binkytown, I no sooner think that all Midwesterners have Midwestern hair than that all Californians get tofu enemas. Only some of them. See paragraph 2.Dig through my archives and you’ll see I’ve riffed on New Yorkers, Angelenos, North Carolinians, New Jersians, Rhode Islanders–and myself–far more than anyone from the Midwest. In fact if I have my way, our next president will be from Illinois.
Carrying their casserole dishes in their jean pockets. That made me laugh. And snort while doing so.
You said it! And his name is Obama, not Osama (CNN’s fairly egregious error). I’ve been posting about him to the effect that we should not believe the ridiculous argument that he is unelectable because he’s black. That’s what THEY (read: Republicans, or even Hillary’s camp) want us to think. I am so with you here.Unless there’s another presidential candidate from Illinois I am missing?
Hailing from Chicago, I should be offended by such a derogatory use of the word Midwestern… then again, I’m still getting my hair done in Detroit. I really shouldn’t admit that in public.
God I LOVE the name Curl Up and Dye. Maybe it’s because I’m a standup comic and we see so little humor in things like hair salons. I also loved Best Little Hairhouse. I live in the Hollywood Hills, under the Hollywood sign and our local salon is called Desire. What the fuck does that have to do with hair? Are you in the real LA this time? Last visit you were in Manhattan Beach, and that is SO not LA. It’s like people who live in Jersey and say they’re from NY. We’re all about the real fake thing here.
I’ve got a thing about names too. In New York, it was Minardi. East 60-something, near Barney’s. Back when I could afford it.Now it’s Zoe. Kyle actually booked me a cut and highlight there the day after we arrived in town, and I’ve been so happy that I haven’t gone looking anywhere else.
Maybe it’s more like “Politican Hair?”
There’s a salon here in Portland called “Dirty Little Secret.” I’m never tempted to set foot in that place. We’ve also got “‘Do or Dye.” We’re so cool.
We have many of those Midwestern-named salons here. I currently go to A Cut Above. Used to go to the Hairy Canary (painted almost entirely yellow, inside and out). We have many salon’s named for the owner, too, but they are places like Delia’s Touch of Beauty, and Paula’s Styling.My mom always referred to her salon, whatever its name actually was, as “the beauty shop” and she went in every Friday for a wash and set. Talk about midwestern hair…
You know, lovey – everytime I have Seen a JC penney with a salon, I have seriously wondered just WHO was getting their hair styled at Penneys. I ain’t no fashion maven – shit, it’s taking like 8 years for my hair to grow back – but I can tell you if the salon is worth staying in about 4.7 seconds. Product. It is all about the product.I suspect that Garnier “Nutresse” is big at some of those salons….P.S. There is a “Older Montreal woman” cut – -which is short, spiky and dyed an unnatural burgundy color. Just for your files….
“crosshairs” in kck is SO appropriate i can’t stop laughing. (kck would be the funky ghett-to.)but then, i go to a north kc (mo, thank you) salon called “looks avant garde.” so i guess i can’t poke fun.
As a midwesterner, and as a former JC Penney associate during my sophomore year in college, I have to ask whether or not you know this or whether I just don’t get the joke, because JC Penney isn’t a hair salon. It’s a massive department store. You know, in the same mall as like, Macy’s. (True, many of the JC Penney’s out there do have salons in them.) And really, I’d take JC Penney over the Kut ‘n Kurl any day of the week.
In NYC, the names can be pretty bad. There’s the “Dramatics” chain where one during college led to my face being burned by a curling iron (I know! It was the early 90s). After that I called it “Traumatics.” Then, there is “L’Amour de Hair”– gag.You should do a series on breastfeeding shops’ names throughout the US. There’s the “Upper Breast Side” in honor of its Upper West side location in Manhattan. Then, there’s the famed “Pumping Station” in LA. Those names naver fail to make me chuckle– though I’m lame like that.
There used to be a salon here in Las Vegas called “Scissors Palace”…which I thought was a great play on words. Apparently though, the then-owners of Caesar’s Palace, DID NOT like the play on words and sued the owner of Scissors Palace forcing him/her/them to change the name. I forget what they changed it too (obviously something less catchy as I stopped paying attention to the place), but it’s gone now…burned down in a fire about 3 months ago.Other salon names here:A Wild HairHair DivaAmerican Hair Force SnipsSnapsTanglesWho Duz Your HairWild RootsThe Cutting RoomThe Hair PortHob Nob SalonAnd to hit the ‘shears’:Shear ActionShear IronyShear Paradise Shear Trends
I will admit that for my four years of high school, I got my hair cut at the local J.C.Penney’s salon where a nice Japanese-American lady took care of my perm (it was the 80′s after all). I don’t think that any salon could really make 80′s big hair look really good.
I grew up in Sherman, Texas and got my hair cut at “Blow and Go.”Now, I live in Nelson, New Zealand and get my haircut at “Hairanoia.”It’s a global phenomenon.
I lived in Columbus, OH for two years and my biggest complaint beyond the weather was the fact that I COULD NOT get a good haircut. No matter how specific I was and how many times I changed stylists/salons my hair would end up square and mullety. I thought it was some kind of midwestern conspiracy to assimilate me into the collective and make me eat nothing but bratwurst for the rest of my life.Good luck out there, I hope you find what you need to get settled quickly.
Best. Post.EVAH.this is coffee-spilling funny.of course, I’m surrounded by Southern hair coiffed at places like “Hair and Beyond,” and “Unbridled Style.”
Too funny, Mom101. I held my breath at the midwest hair part, being IN the midwest and all, although I am not FROM the midwest, which I am sure makes a difference. I do think you forgot, which you’ll be thrilled to know still exists, the midwestern mom and women who wear bows in their hair. I think it has something to do with matching the floral dresses.
My best girlfriend lives in a little town in N. California, and their hair salons include, “the classy lassy”, and “the beligerent duck”. Not kidding. I told her if she ever calls me and tells me she went to such a place I was driving up there and rescuing her asap.
Now I’m all paranoid about getting my hair cut next weekend..I’ll have to request it specifically not be midwest hair. Scary thing, hubby went to get his hair cut last week and the lady said mullets were coming back…I may have to move! I know those words would not be spoken in LA or NYC
I’m a couple of miles from the town of Carolina Beach, and Lord child, do we have some hair here! I can vouch for the accuracy of your SD hair photo. My husband’s mom, 3 aunts and 2 uncles live there and they ALL have that do. Even the men! They’re farmers with curly perms! I am NOT joking!Think Dorothy Hamill’s old hairstyle will ever come back into vogue? Because when I was seven, I wore the “wedge”, and it was bouncin’ and behavin’.
I always wondered about that hair thing going on in the midwest.I personally like something I heard on a shopping channel late at night many years ago when I was up to late doing who knows what “The Higher The Hair The Closer To God”.
My all time favorite is not a salon name but a hair related band name – Hell Toupe
Best Head in Arlington Heights, IL beats ‘em all!!
My salon switched it’s name to end with SPA. Now I get charged $20 more.Bitches.PS. How could you forget Dallas hair?!
I remember my sister going to Sandy at Scissorhands in Providence. A clever name, yes, but not the most settling idea if you remember some of Johnny Depp’s hair creations in the movie.
Oh…oh NO!It’s not regional…it’s individual!Maybe it’s due to the 90s when I went several years with The Rachel. I just got used to names for hair.See, when I got my first haircut after moving to the Yonder Regions from the Northeast…I got LYNN CHENEY hair.I see now you’d prefer that be named Midwest hair. (Where is Lynn from, anyway?)I was deeply, deeply traumatized. That’s what I get for going someplace called Beaute (with an accent). In fact, I can say no more at this time about it other than it was a hard two years. But I’m over it now, and found a lady from Jersey (I know, but honest, she’s GOOD) who cuts my hair well.I will, however, concede Dallas Hair and Jersey Hair *if* you give me NYC glasses (those little cat black frames, which I sometimes suspect are stocked with plain glass).Did you find A Wild Hair? I could never go there…my main concern would be writing a check and just losing it and finishing up with Across My Ass.
Mrs. Chicky,I’m all on top of:Lynn, Lynn City of Sin…You can take the girl out of Southie…But Worcester Hair?Photo evidence, please.
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