My child is smart.
Can you think of a single sentence uttered by a parent that can draw more ire, more eyerolls, more nasty playgroup talk behind your back?
I realize that over the past several months, I have not once written about the language explosion happening daily chez Mom101, about how completely enthralled I have been watching my daughter go from caca to cracker to Mommy, more crackers pleeeeeease. She even tosses in the occassional thank you with such a self-satisfied upward lilt to her voice it breaks my heart into tiny shards each and every time.
And yet somehow I’ve been hesitant to broach the topic on my blog, fearful of sounding like one of those moms. You know, the one who has her child signing at 6 months, pushes him into into foreign language immersion classes at 12 months, and starts drilling him on homemade international heads of state flashcards all before he’s old enough to eat a raisin without choking.
(That is, an organic raisin. Of course.)
And so instead I overcompensate by saying nothing at all. Or worse, downplaying any achievements she might have, countering acknowledgments of her verbal skills with inane retorts like, “yeah but she doesn’t have any hair like your beautiful little girl!”
Eep.
I’m not saying that Thalia’s brilliant by any stretch, or even particularly advanced (whatever that means at this age). While she counts to 6 all day long, she counts 2 birds as 6 just the same as she counts 20 birds as 6. Ask her what comes after 6 and sometimes it’s 7, sometimes it’s apple. The alphabet song begins with A B C D A B C. And the colors of her little play tunnel that she recently identified are apparently red, blue, and orange juice.
See, there I go again: She’s highly verbal but….
But what?
It seems we can talk about our children’s chronic booger-eating habit. We can talk about their sleep challenges. We can talk about their inability to put anything in their mouths at dinnertime that isn’t beige. But gush with awe at their ability to name 74 different animals and you’re just not someone I’d care to get to know better, thankyouverymuch. Because “my child can count!” or “my child likes books better than toys!”or “my child can tell a camel from a dromedary!” just sounds way too much like like “your child will be working for my child one of these days. Probably in the mailroom.”
So instead, we do this dance of self-deprecation with mom friends, terrified (or at best reluctant) to share those very moments that give us the most joy.
It’s like we become the opposite of competimommies — we become noncompetimommies.
It’s not hard to figure out why we do this. Let’s face it, it’s easier to bond with other women by confessing our insecurities and shortcomings rather than our successes–and I think this goes double when our children are involved. The line between expressing awe and boasting is so fine, so precarious, that it’s better not to tap dance within a hundred miles of it at all.
I also have a theory that we, as a society, just don’t like achievement all that much to begin with.
Am I nuts? Think back, not all that long ago, to a certain presidential election. If I recall correctly, one presidential candidate was vilified for his command of the English language and Ivy education. His competitor’s similar education (not to mention far more privileged upbringing) was only acceptable to the masses given his crappy grades and propensity for making up words.
Was being smart ever cool? Maybe not in our lifetimes. Just ask anyone who has ever considered putting a “my kid can beat up your honor student” bumper sticker on the back of his SUV. But I wish we could make it so for our children.
Because now that I have one–almost two–hell yes I want her to be proud of her smarts, her skills, her successes, whatever they may be. I think it starts with us being proud of our children, and, if we can possibly handle it, each other’s. I want so very much for women to be able to put aside our own insecurities and try to find happiness in the happiness of our fellow moms, even if that happiness is rooted in something super-cool that their child is doing that ours isn’t just yet.
Can we? Is it even possible?
Let’s start here. Tell me – what’s your kid up to these days? What’s the thing that you’ve been reluctant to share that makes you smile so hard you think your face will crack? What’s the thing that makes you think oh wow, I made this person. He came out of me and now…this!
Spill it. You know you want to.
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Edited to add: I agree wholeheartedly with commenters who point out the distinction between “my child is God’s gift to the world” boasting and simply sharing accomplishments. My fear is that we–I–rarely do the latter for fear of sounding like it’s the former. Bragging is icky. But being able to express the awe that we all feel as we watch our children grow and evolve and achieve – that’s a pretty nice thing.
85 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
Guilty as charged. I get stuck griping about the reasons for time-out, the potty training disasters and squabbles over toys.Privately we gush about how my 4 year old is reading and my little guy talks like a mini-adult. Somehow it just feels like, well, bragging, to put it out there. Of course, someday in the not too distant future my kids might feel more confident if I focused more on their accomplishments. For now, maybe we should just work on bumper stickers that say “My kid can out-think yours.” Any better ideas for stickers?
Today I sat through my 5th grader reading his autobiography outloud. Eventhough he kept his face covered the whole time and I could hardly hear him, my heart swelled with pride.I’m so proud of my kids when they’re being funny. A sense of humor is so important in this sometimes crappy life. They’ve got oogles of funny in them, and that just makes life more fun.
Great post, Liz. I think it’s too bad pride has become an “evil” in our society. So many kids are raised to be humble — and I’m just not convinced that’s a 100% good thing. It also depends much on the children. I have a bit of a different perspective because my kids are homeschooled and family, friends often make me feel that I need to “prove” that my kids ARE educated. So I tend to be quite verbal about their accomplishments. I also have one child who is extermely sensitive and self-concious, so I encourage him to be proud every chance I get.And on the subject of bragging, MY 2 yo knows her ABCs (and the sounds that accompany most of them – thanks to the Leapster!), counts to 18 and has an awesome vocabulary.
Here’s something else to ponder-what do you do if one of your children is just…average? My oldest son is acing every subject in school, his teacher goes on and on about how great he is. At 16 months, Kaitlyn says hot, hat, spoon, woof, up, dat (that), mama, dada, and rahrah (Ryan). The other day she climbed up on the bathroom stepstool, pointed to the water faucet for me to turn on, wet her hands, pointed to the hand soap for me to pump onto her hand, rubbed her hands together, and then rinsed them clean.But I would be hard-pressed to come up with something about Nathan that is brag worthy. And I know that sounds terrible, but he is having problems at school due to ADHD, doesn’t play any sports, he is just average. It makes me not want to brag about the other two for fear of hurting his feelings.
Elizabeth, Every child does something that makes you proud whether it’s how gently he pets the dog, how kind he is to other kids or the way he hugs you goodnight. Brag away, mama.
I’m glad someone said it. It’s so hard to find the line between proud and bragging. I default to self-deprication myself and find it’s a hard habit to break, even when talking about my daughter. I jest in my blog about how “advanced” she is, but deep down it’s hard for me to seriously talk about her achievements without adding the “but…” as not to sound like a jerk. We had her 6 month visit to the pediatrician the other day and she asked if she was turning over both ways. I chose to stifle the fact that she’d been doing that since she was three months old rather than sound like an obnoxious parent. How sad is that??? It’s the PEDIATRICIAN. The person who should be kept up on her development. Anywho, thank you for the entry. It hit home.Whew. I’m done now.
I think you have hear Nathan singing abilities and my 25 month old has been riding a tricycle since he was 18 months old. We were hoping he would find a cure for cancer but it looks like we’ll have to settle for an BMX champion. It’s my every dream…
Well here’s something I think about quit often. My two oldest have always been in advanced classes. My oldest was “labeled” gifted at a very young age. The second guy though he doesn’t have the “label” is in advanced classes across the board. My 3rd (only girl) started kindergarten at age 4 because of where we lived. She is not in advanced classes but is a whole year younger than everyone in her grade. Of those three, she is the only one who brought home the sticker for my car that says : “my kid is an honors kid at blah blah middle school” I always swore I would not ever put one on my car but …how could I not? SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, IS NICE TO EVERYONE, DOES EVERY EXTRA CURRICULAR UNDER THE SUN AND HELPS WITH THE DISHES. When there are other parents with it in their window…how do you tell your daughter…it’s not for me? I put it on and wear it with pride. I would be remiss not to add a little diddy about my baby who’s 8. He has the bragging rights of his mom in all he does. His gift is desire to achieve and do better. Even though he took a while to grasp a love for school, he is a hard worker and masters things very quickly, he is wise beyond his years and a witty little man. He has more rhythm than the rest of the kids, which leads me to the parents who “Claim” that they never compare their children to each other…IMPOSSIBLE! my gift is NOT the ability to get my point across with 25 words or less.
I came across your blog recently and have enjoyed reading all that you have to offer! You’re funny and inspiring.Interestingly enough, I just touched on the same subject on my blog. My daughter is 20 months old and incredible also! I brag about her daily on my blog because I write for her. What better way for her to connect to her childhood and know how much she was loved, than to read about it as an adult? Ultimately, it’s her story and my gift to her.The bottom line is that if you aren’t your child’s biggest fan, who should be? And when you think about vocalizing your child’s “superior accomplishments,” I guess you have to be mindful about what type of feedback you’ll get in return. Unless it’s a doting grandparent, you may be less than satisfied with your listeners reply.
What a fantastic post! You’ve hit it out of the ballpark on this one even giving it a title. Well done. I say brag and boast away. We have to take what we get because when they become teens, we may run out of material
PS: For those moms who think their child is the next Einstein, the research shows that almost all kids “catch up” by the time they are in kindergarten 
Linked from Mir’s post… I agree with at least one pp (didn’t have time just now to read them all) that the most important thing is to tell your *kids* that you’re proud of them. I talk about Jet’s accomplishments, and to heck with what everyone else thinks. I do try to be sensitive to the body language of the people I’m talking to, and try to quit when they get bored.
I also make it a point to let people talk about their own kids without coming back with my own story of Jet. I always feel like that starts the one-up debate.
As you often do, you’ve hit on something here! Fun to read the posts and see how many great, smart kids are out there – I hope to have them all in my classroom one day!My girl is 10.5 months. Today we were at a coffeeshop, she was playing with the toys, and another little girl (who I think expected to have the toys to herself) told her mom, “I don’t like that baby!” My girl responded by smiling and holding out a toy to the girl. A sweet moment.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. The little angel is sort of shockingly verbal, and I find myself, after parents of less-verbal (but great! really great!) kids comment on her correct use of the word “actually” at not-even-three, responding sheepishly, “she’s really verbal.” Like I would say, “she eats grass.” Why? Because I don’t want anyone to think I’m bragging.But you know what? The little angel is really f*cking smart.
I totally just had a brag-a-thon over at my place the other day. KayTar is developmentally delayed, but we’ve seen this explosion of things just recently.I’m really proud of her because she amazines her therapists at almost every session. Sure, she is behind in many ways, but in others she is extremely advanced…correcting the therapists when they water things down to 2 year old level. She might correct them in sign language…but she corrects them all the same. I’m amazed by something new every day.
Oh, I love this blog entry! I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to sound like you’re the freaky stage mom or something. But you asked, so I’ll brag away:My 4 year old son is developing a sense of humor and he makes me laugh all the time. He can count to ten in three languages and knows more spanish than I do. (This, admittedly, is not very hard given that my command of the spanish language includes the names of food off of the Taco Bueno menu and asking where the bathroom is.)My 2 year old daughter, who walked at 9 months old, can count to ten. When I asked her to get three wipes, she pulled out three and promptly closed the lid. I was amazed by this. She can also dress herself (and undress herself if I dare to assist her in any way).I think all kids are amazing human beings, no matter whether they’re walking early or taking their time, whether they are signing or screaming, they’re all just little miracles. We should all brag about that. You see my miracle walking around? Yep, sure do, and I see yours, too. Isn’t it, gasp, amazing?
Seeing as how I’ve been claiming that L.A. Toddler is a Super Genius (since before she was even BORN, mind you!) I really have no problem singing her praises. However, now that I think about it. Her being so damn smart is just proof-positive that she’s not really my child. And most people realize that about 5 seconds after talking to me…
My daughter Elizabeth – my first – just started walking, and she’s only 9 months old! I’m incredibly proud of her, but you’re right — though I’ve boasted her accomplishments to non-parents, when I speak to another parent I tend to downplay it or not mention it at all.Thanks for blogging about this – it sure would be nice if we could all just be happy for each other and stop competing!
Okay, ask me twice.Ask me one more time.
The 8 month old is amazingly cute. He practices while he’s asleep. He can empty a breast in 10 seconds flat.The 5yo has an amazing ear for music. She can wiggle her hips like Shakira. She reads at a 2nd-3rd grade level. She tells great jokes. She is the best at getting my husband’s goat. She has a sense of style that’s to die for. She writes me thank-you notes for doing her hair, for reading to her, for the good hugs I give….she is our joy. The 8yo hit the ceiling on a recent WISC-IV test. She writes far better than either my husband or I did at age 8. Possibly better than we wrote at age 13. We are both afraid of her. But she never, ever, ever pulls a smarty-pants attitude with other kids. Never, ever. She can’t understand why the other girls in her class are so interested in hair and clothes and why some of the girls are bullying other girls about hair or clothes. She is a complete McGyver when it comes to three-dimensional art. She is focused and works hard.Enough? Uncle? Lol.That said, my kids are just normal, wonderful kids. I work in the kids section at a local bookstore, and I love handing out compliments and opening the doors wide open to mom’s bragging-on about their kids. Even better is when mom lovingly brags so that the child can hear. I know that this can risk creating a monster. But honestly, most kids I know seem to need to hear the good stuff.Here. You’ll like this. A study on how to praise kids, what to say, what to say less. Why telling a child “you work so hard” might be a better choice in some situations than “you’re so smart/strong/fast/talented”, etc.http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
Hi Liz,Just stopping by to let you know I answered you, via mothergoosemouse – because I read her post, before yours – but, it’s sort of long (of course) so, bottom line is:I just admitted (for the first time in four years of blogging, I think) that my two oldest are in G&T.Because I was afraid to admit how happy I am that my kids are on their way to being way smarter than me!I’m sorry, but it’s like I can’t even be proud of my kids, without having to feel guilty or think that I’ll be pissing somebody off – especially those people I don’t even know.I guess it all comes from teaching my children that being aware of other people’s feelings is what we humans do best.Blech.There, I said it – now…um…did I mention that I think my kids are pretty…uh…except the boy…of course…and how I take secret delight in his insisting that he’s never, ever getting married…ever!
I read that article too and I totally agree with it. Why? Because people told me from a very young age how smart/bright/intelligent/etc. I was. It really did make me want to not do things that didn’t come easy to me, like playing an instrument, drawing, or cooking (just to name a few). Now, I’m in love with Interior Design but I’m so afraid to seriously pursue it because I feel like I won’t be good enough on account of my “lack of natural talent.” But I still build household stuff and some of it has even turned out pretty good.ENCOURAGE YOUR KIDS TO WORK HARD! Encourage them to do things that DON’T come easily to them. When they start improving (even if only a little), it’ll increase their confidence in their abilities and themselves tremendously. They’ll start working hard on the things they ARE good at and go amazing places with them. Telling them that they’re smart is okay too. But, trust me, you don’t want a kid like I was when I felt like I couldn’t do ANYTHING after I figured out there will always be someone smarter than I am (and they’ll come to that realization too one day). So remember that there are more important qualities than just being smart and PRAISE THEM!
Did my comment JUST GET EATEN?!?!
I’ll have to come back. Blew the wad. And it was a good wad.Fuck.
<>Mom-101′s Mom:<> My daughter wrote a beautiful blog post and got 74 comments.<>Other Bloggers’ Moms:<> [jealous glares]
Lol, lumpyheadsmom! I agree. Beautiful blog post. I just realized I blabbed about my kids and didn’t tell Mom how wonderful her post was.BTW, like mother, like daughter. We expect nothing but greatness from her.
This has actually been on my mind a lot recently…my son is entering fourth grade next year and that is when the gifted and talented program starts in our district. The powers that be told us that when we got our results informing us if our children qualified for the program we were NOT to tell our children if they were GATE bound or not (I *think* they’ll figure it out next year when they start school, but I could be wrong as I wasn’t in a GATE program myself). Don’t talk to other parents about your child’s score. Don’t feel proud of your child if they get into GATE, and don’t tell your child that they are smart, they are just different.And I agree, I think that our society is heading in a direction that doesn’t applaud achievement, of any sort. My friend teaches in a district where they have eliminated the honor roll, valedictorians, MVP’s, Prom King and Queenn…anything that might acknowledge any one person.
I am somewhat hesitant to brag about the kids UNTIL I am in the presence of a compeitmom. Then…oh, then my competitive oh-no-you-didn’t vibe kicks in and I have no problems sharing tales on my child. Not to outdo them, but to show that, Yes, your child IS smart, but he has peers that are probably in the same group.Of course, most times when I say something that my brilliant daughter says, I usually follow it up with something like a photo of her picking her nose with her toes. I mean, BALANCE! It is all about the BALANCE!
When I was doing addition flash cards with my 9 year old daughter, my 4 year old son watched us, and then starting blurting out the answers, and getting them right!! It soon became clear that he could outright add in his head [even in the 10's] We all were pretty amazed at this skill. It’s hard [and I feel embarrassed] to relate this story without feeling braggey.
This is a tough one. I’m always reluctant to say anything “good” about my kids (unless they said something that’s really funny — like objectively funny, not like, I’m their mother and I haven’t left the house in a week, isn’t my angel funny funny). But then I don’t want to be the mother who always says “bad” things about them either. Especially now that they’re old enough to know what I’m saying.I know a lot of people with little boys who are three and four years old who don’t talk much or talk well. When they tell the story I can hear the worry in their voices. And then they look to me to affirm that boys just don’t talk as soon as girls. And both of my boys were really excellent talkers at really early ages. I always downplay that by pointing out that neither of them walked until they were 16 months old (the lazy…) or pointing out that everyone develops at his/her own pace and they’ll all be talking more than you’ll want by the time they’re seven, etcetera.It’s a dilemma for sure. So here’s something I’m proud of. I sang with and read to my kids in spanish from birth, but then I’ve been kind of a slacker the past few years. J’s former preschool also did spanish. Occasionally out of the blue I’ll ask him (he’s 5) something in spanish or someone else will or I’ll read a sign or something, knowing that I haven’t really gone over it with him (at least not in the last few years) and he’ll either know what I’m saying or he’ll be able to figure it out fairly easily. My little one — well, let’s just say he doesn’t seem to have an “ear” for foreign languages! But at only three he will take any story (like the three little pigs) and make up his own (very elaborate) story about each page. It is so delightful to listen to.
Daughter #1, just turned 4. Tonight whilst driving home she boasted she knew what tree’s are made of… wood; so I asked her what our dining table was made of to which she replied wood… and then I asked where the table maker got the wood from, she replied Bunnings (Huge hardware chain in Australia) she spends too much time with her dad!
I’ve actually been thinking about this post for a couple of days — processing it and turning it over in my mind.I think maybe because I’m a shades-of-gray person and not much of an optimist, I tend to present my kids’ accomplishments in a balanced way (“Mimi’s an advanced talker and reader, but not athletic” “Rosie is behind in speaking, but she’s adept physically.”) Sort of strengths and weaknesses all at once. Not sure if this is to tone down any “competimommyness” or not. I do also think, as other commenters said, I’m fascinated when I observe them and see ways in which they are alike and different from me, their dad, and each other. And when they learn new skills it’s amazing to me. So sharing information in that capacity is almost like expressing wonder at a lovely sunset — full of admiration and awe at something I don’t necessarily have control over.
This post did also remind me that I’m long overdue for a post about Rosie and what we’ve been going through as she learns to talk (speech therapy, etc.) It’s been consuming us for a couple of months now and I haven’t talked about it on blog. (and then there’s my emotional realization that Mimi will be starting kindergarten this fall…)
You’re absolutely right! Pregnancy hormones give you clarity, I guess, eh?
Maybe we do that as parents because we do it ourselves? Like, a friend says, “Oh, I love your skin!” and you say, “Yeah, but you should have seen me when I was a teenager with acne!”
I think you’re spot on with this post. I know I’ve struggled with post ing or talking about certain things realted to my boys because I just don’t want to come across as a show off, but why not celebrate these milestones as much as we’d talk about the chaos and mundane? Thanks for writing this, Liz. It insprired me and many of the members of Maya’s Mom too, who are writing journal posts to brag about their kids today…< HREF="http://www.mayasmom.com/journal/crazedparent/12367/brag_a_little" REL="nofollow">Here’s the link<>
GREAT TOPIC! I try to keep in mind that different kids develop at different rates. While my Madge (2 and a half) is extremely verbal, and can name obscure animals by sight (like Okapi, Kudu, Minke whale, spectacled bear), and a hundren others) and loves to help me cook by adding “one cup of milk”, she also refuses to use the potty. She also looks older than she is (she’s very big for her age) and pitches EPIC FITS in the grocery store that get looks from other kids and parents. Because they think she should act as old as she looks. New research shows that it’s not necessarily good to tell your kids they are smart. An Article in New York Magazine (found here): http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ talks about research that tells us it’s much more important to praise our kids for effort than for innate intelligence. So tell other people how smart your kids are, but don’t tell your kids how smart they are!It’s a VERY interesting Article.I wrote a post about it < HREF="http://mydogharriet.blogspot.com/2007/03/so-this-is-whats-wrong-with-our-kids.html" REL="nofollow">here<>
I think the core of the dilemma that you have addressed is our own insecurities as adults. Does so-and-so think I am being obnoxious by bragging on my daughter (whether she be particularly intelligent or not)? I think that we should be considerate of the feelings of others, but not so to the point that we second guess our feelings towards our children. By holding back compliments, you subliminally send messages to other people, yourself, and your children regarding how pleased you are with your child’s accomplishments. My child is 5 years old. He reads on a sixth grade level. He has a heart of gold. I will shout it from the rooftops and make sure he hears (although he knows better than to BOAST or BRAG on himself, etc). Anyone who has a problem with it is obviously not my friend and I need not associate with them. Why should I want to expose my child to a parent who feels that their children should be in competition with mine? It’s ludicrous. Anyway…sorry for burning your ear off. Hope I didn’t offend anyone. I just find it amazing that parents will change their parenting style because of what others might think.
The reason people brag about their kids is because they are actually bragging about themselves, or rather their genes. Like most things, it’s all pretty self-centered.And I think that people with new kids are always just impressed when they start doing human things like say words or walk or express emotions. They’re people people! They were bound to start some time!