The hardest aspect of putting Desdemona down this morning (besides the whole putting down aspect of it and the me crying all day thing and then the disposing of the not-very-self-cleaning litter box that I always hated which was heavy as hell and holy cow, was it nasty) has been explaining the cat’s absence to Thalia.
She essentially knew that the cat was sick and went to the doctor. So, playing off that, we told her that Desi went to go live with the doctor to get better.
What can I say, it just came out.
It’s easy now, with Thalia only two and not understanding concepts much more complicated than the Wonderpets saving a baby cow who’s stuck in a tree. (Big twister. Don’t ask.) But in time there will be more death and more explaining and it can’t always be that everyone we know who gets sick goes to live with a doctor.
First of all, the doctors wouldn’t have it.
So here’s the question:
How do you/did you/will you talk to younger kids about death, particularly when you don’t have the happy heaven story to fall back on?
(And I’m not being facetious, I swear.)
I’m a non-practicing Jew, as they call it these days, with more commitment to the Jewish culture and values than to the religion. Nate’s a satisfied Atheist. One of the downsides of our collective beliefs, or lack thereof, is that we don’t get free access to that treasure chest full of convenient faith-based answers to life’s tough questions. It’s too bad. It would make things a whole lot easier.
Or as Jack Handey so beautifully put it: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is Crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, I think another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
90 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
We had to put down our beagle when Trout was about 2.5. My husband and I have different religious beliefs, but we told her that the dog had gone to heaven and was running around in heaven with God. At that age, kids don’t really understand much that is abstract, so in reality you could tell her that Desi went to Tibuktu and it really wouldn’t mean much to her. Anything you tell her that won’t scare her about her own reality is fine.As my kids have grown older and we’ve had other deaths to process (my grandmother in 06 and my grandfather this year), we’ve taken the “Some people believe this and some people belive that but no one really knows for sure” tack, and then discuss with them what they think. It even came up with my 5 year old after watching Charlotte’s Web, and we did the circle of life talk.It is such a hard topic, and pretty much feels like no matter what you say, it’ll be wrong. My thoughts are with you all.
Okay as a Dr’s wife I can definitely agree that all those dead people are not going to be welcome in my living room! Now you’ve got me kind of creeped out about going downstairs.Seriously though we’ve had a few deaths in the last couple of years and I was amazed how much the 5 year old seemed to understand and even help me explain. We do have the heaven thing to lean on but I was shocked when I touched on the soul leaving the body and she seemed to fully comprehend… “it’s like when Ariel’s voice leaves her” she told me. Perfect image I thought! “Yes but instead of going to Ursala a soul goes to be with God.” I could not have gotten there on my own. She was happy that her very old Great-Granny’s soul sang it’s way to God.She seems more stressed by the idea that everyone dies and eventually it will happen to me. Just this week she whispered… “I know you’re trying really hard not die, but if you do will I be Sissy’s mommy?”Now that’s what I don’t know what to do with!
Not having kids, I can saftly say that you should blame it on the doctor as long as she’ll except it as an answer. At five, you may need to come up with something else, but not at two. If it was a person, you’d need to say soemthing else, but not a cat. Not this young anyway. I’m so sorry about Desi.
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your cat. None the less, I believe you should talk to your daughter about you and your husbands beliefs and the different religions and let her choose whether to believe in God or not too. I dont think telling her that Desi went to heaven where she no longer hurts is a bad thing. I am a Christian and when we lost both of our dogs my son was 4 years old and we told him that they were in heaven and were not hurting anymore and took him to where they are buried and told him that this is where he could talk to them. He goes and visits just about everyday.
I am a sometimes-practicing Catholic, but as someone who doesn’t have all her little spiritual ‘facts’ in order, I still have trouble explaining these things to my daughter. Heaven, I’m not even sure I believe in it. So sorry about your cat, and death, it’s just one of those things that is terribly hard to talk to a child about, without scaring the bejesus out of them or confusing them or whatever.
We don’t have any pets, so the question has never arisen in regards to having to put the family pet down. But, as you probably already know, my mum died not even a year before I had Julia, and in the last two years she has asked me a lot about death, and about dying.I have always tried to be as honest with Julia about death as I felt I could be. I mean, I don’t go into gory details or anything, but I have tried not to sugar coat things — and I don’t really have heaven to fall back on, either. When she asks about my mother I tell her that Grandma E was very sick and that she died because she was very sick. She asks if Grandma E will come back and I say no, but I have told her that she is around us, as a spirit, and that we can talk to her out loud or in our heads if we want. She’s asked when I will die, and if I will be here forever and I tell her that I won’t die for a long, long time. It took a long time for her to realize that when someone dies, they don’t come back. We’ve had long conversations about that and I think that really startled her, when she finally realized that the reason why I cry sometimes is because I miss my mum, because she’s not coming back. That, above and beyond anything I’ve told her about death, really stuck with her and scared her a bit, and that’s why I haven’t really elaborated on it further when she asks me about it in regards to me. Because she has asked me if I will die, and if I’ll be her mother forever, and I’ve always told her that I will always be her mother, but I’ve skirted around the “When will you die?” question.I hope this makes sense…I’m totally distracted by the fact that Oliver is pushing our fucking couch across the den.
Aw, I’m sorry to hear about your cat. And I wish I had some ideas on what to tell Thalia. I’ll probably be there myself in a couple years when my baby is older. Blessings….
i’m sorry for your loss.i’ve always liked that catholicism believes in heaven. it makes it easier to handle situations.
I’m so sorry about Desi. I also had a black cat named Desdemona. (I thought she was the only one. She did have chronic conjunctivitis though, so she always had a gruesome, gooey eye. But she was still cute.) When we moved to Maryland from Alaska, she stayed with my sister and unexpectedly died there. My oldest was two at the time and we are not religious so we didn’t want to start in about heaven. We were just matter of fact about it. (She died. These things happen. You’re not going to die. We’re not going to die. Etc…) He accepted it very well, and moved on pretty quickly.You and your Desi are in my thoughts.
My sincere condolences on Desi’s death.Please be very, very upfront with Thalia. She can handle it. We chose to do that with our son. My mother was such a FREAK about death that she never went to funerals, never took us to funerals, and I didn’t go to a funeral until I was in my 20′s. Her pet bunny died one day while she was at school, and rather than keep the bunny and talk about it with her when she returned home from school, her parents said, “Bunny went to bunny heaven.” and she never saw it again. Ergo, the freakiness and death fear.When my son was eight, my 16-year old cat needed to be euthanized because of rapidly deteriorating health. We all piled into the car with Lulu and headed to the vet. I had talked to him about it during the day, we petted and talked to our kitty (who was obviously looking very ill at the time) and we talked about being very old and very ill. I told him that our vet was going to give Kitty a special shot to help her die without pain. It’s not a shot that children EVER get, I said, but we help animals to die sometimes because we do not want them to suffer and they can’t use words to help us understand what they are feeling.He came into the treatment room with us while she was still alive, and petted her for the last time. Then he waited in the waiting room with Gramma until Kitty died. We stayed with the cat. After, he came in and saw her body and touched her so that it was real. Then the vet did something extraordinary … we were the last appointment of the day, so he gave our son a tour of the operating room and the x-ray machine and the inner workings of the pet hospital. Our kid got a birds eye view of both the healing and the dying parts of animal care.Kids really can handle death well when they are young. It is matter of fact, you live you die, kind of stuff. The developmentally appropriate words will come if you treat her with intelligence and compassion, and use what you know are the right words for her.BTW, we are Lutherans, and we didn’t once say “kitty heaven.” The ashes are buried in the garden, with a little stepping stone I made for her. Our son played his cello in the garden while we put her ashes down the hole. Kids are amazing in how they walk US through the process of death.She is a lucky girl (as is Sage) to have a Mama who wants so much to do the “right” thing. Trust your gut. Trust Nate’s gut. After all, you are the ones who made her, and you are helping pass on YOUR beliefs and your traditions and your rites of passage. Whatever you choose is perfect for your children.
I usually say “some people believe…, and some people believe….” when they ask what I think I admit that I am not sure, still trying to figure it out.
When we went to my grandfather’s funeral in February, The Mayor asked my mom where “Ady” was and my mom just sort of barked, “ADY’S DEAD!!!” I nearly fell over.
So sorry. I only met Desi once, and she didin’t even hiss at me (just gave me an annoyed, uninterested look). But I hold a deep respect for a creature that can strike such fear into the hearts of even the biggest animal lovers. Wishing you the best. I can’t imagine what I would say to the kids…
I’m really sorry about Desi. That’s all I can say.
We tend to just go with the flow or whatever seems right in the moment with our kids… that doesn’t mean that what we end up saying is the *right* thing, but hopefully it’s in the area or at least shows that we were doing our best. I think kids get that and appreciate our honesty (or what we want them to believe as honesty.) So sorry for your loss. In my family pets are like people. Steph
If my kids want to know what people believe, I’ll get into a discussion of different beliefs; but if they are asking for answers, then a “Well, some people believe…” response is usually beside the point. My answer to a question about, say, how the world got here doesn’t involve discussing a lotus springing from the navel of Vishnu, however many millions may believe that that is part of the answer. And I don’t sidestep the issue by discussing others’ belief in heaven, reincarnation, etc., when my children ask about death.My 6 y.o. son was the one who found his great-grandmother dead one morning (she lived with us) last October, so there was much to discuss with him and his younger siblings. But in the end what we told them is pretty simple: When someone dies that person no longer exists; we can still remember them and how much we loved them; it can happen when people are old, or really sick, or too unsafe, or just extremely unlucky; it’s very sad, but after awhile, it doesn’t feel quite so sad; yes, eventually mommy and daddy will die, and so will you, but probably not for a long time; and just try to be as healthy and as safe as you can when doing things you like to do. For us two atheists, that pretty much sums it up. And in the end, the kids have handled death as well as we have.I’m sorry for your loss. You and your family take care.
I just wrote about,losing our hamster. http://mylife-whirlwind.blogspot.com/2007/08/goodbye-little-friend.html We basically told the girls (ages almost 3-5.5) what happened and that inevitably, it happens. They had somewhat of a concept as we lost their great-meme two years ago – the older two remember her much.The youngest was the hardest to explain to. She saw the dead hamster, saw us putting it i nthe box. She asked questions. She keeps asking if we are going to go get it when it wakes up. She asks if we are going to get a new one. She tells us she misses it. And we try to answer as truthfully as we can.
I know you’ve already had better comments that this, but what the hell. Kitty died when Jackson was 2 1/2 — he understood that she was sick and old, so when I came back crying from the vet I just said, Kitty’s dead. And he was fine with it. When Katie the dog died and he was 4 1/2, we had some tears, and talk about what happens after death (“You decompose” — good atheist answer). Hugs.
No real words of insight other than was everyone else said.We had to put my dog to sleep last year after he because ill beyond return at age 12. It was a surprise to us because we thought that when we took him to the vet the vet would just put him on meds and he’d get better. Unfortunately what she said was that he was labored and he found breathing difficult and that he was in a lot of pain and very unhappy. And it was true. We just didn’t see it until that point. My husband and I had our kids there (4 and 2). They didn’t understand what was happening. My 4 year old was confused as to why we were leaving him at the vet (after we stayed with him while he was euthanized). We told her he was very sick and had to stay at the doctor’s office.We’ve since moved. I have my dog’s ashes in a little decorative tin (I know some people might think this morbid but he was my dog and a big part of our family) and I keep it in our bedroom – where he would be with us because he was always there in our room when we were sleeping. My 4 year old used to explain to her little sister that our dog was at the doctor’s because he was very sick. She would say this at least three times a day. Then she stopped. She looks at pictures of him and comments but doesn’t ever revisit where she thinks he is. It’s just part of life now. He’s not there but pictures and memories of him are.Bottom line is that I really don’t believe you can explain to children what happened to a pet (or other family member for that matter) if they die and if the child has absolutely no concept of what death is. When they understand that, then the situation would be different and you could tell them in a manner appropriate to the situation. But until then, it would have no meaning for them.I’m truly sorry for your loss.
We never really had an opportunity to talk to our kids about death until the morning I had to walk into their bedrooms and tell them their brother died in the night.I wish I could offer some advice…I meant to…but now I’m choking up and am going to go and slink off while being accutely aware of what a big ass baby I am…
I’m so sorry to hear about your Desi.I have no idea how to handle the sitch. Sorry. But like you said in the comments, there’s alot of great advice out there.
I am so sorry to hear about Desi.As for the death of a pet thing. I know what you mean, not having a set of easy answers to rely on like that. However, I don’t find anything religious or too dogmatic about the “concept” of heaven being a place (whether imagined or not) where our loved ones spirits or whatever “go” when kids are this young.We don’t attend church. I school my kids (the old and the young) that there are many, many right answers out there and I will help them chose what feels right to them. When the family cat died. It was easy for Katie to hear that she went to kitty heaven. For the boys, they knew that the vet had to euthanize her and we buried her afterwards. Each answer was just what they needed, given their respective ages at the time.So, I guess what I’m trying to say is this, religion doesn’t have to dictate the concepts, you can make up your own. I really believe that.Wishing you all the best – very best.
it’s what you tell her in the future that determines what she remembers from the past… for instance- when she asks about the cat and how it all ended, you LIE and tell her that you had a whole “letting go” ceremony, that you fully explained to her with gentleness and understanding the aspect of death as best can be described to a two year old… and then you tell her that in all her two year old sage wisdom, she thanked you for being so frank with her about the truth and she told you that she feels at peace with the way things ended….you do what it takes to save face, in otherwords…
Wow, all this good advice.At two years-old, I think your answer was as good as anything. As she gets a little older, you might find it’s easier than you think. My kids have pretty much accepted the answer “well, she was old and lived a long life and her body was ready to die.” If they ask the next question (what happens when you die), I usually say that I’m not sure, but some people believe this (heaven) and some people believe that (no heaven). My kids have all liked making up their own minds about the subject.
I’d like to echo so much of what has been said. Kids are very matter-of-fact and resilient. When my daughter was three, her aunt died unexpectedly. I was an emotional wreck and spent an hour sobbing in the bookstore trying to find an appropriate book that was simple, not scary, and not religious. I finally settled on “The Fall of Freddie the Leaf”, which is basically a nice presentation of the life cycle. When I had “the talk” I explained that her she couldn’t play with her aunt anymore, but that she could always remember the special times they shared together, look at pictures of her aunt, and still love her. I think my daugher’s reaction was to mutter “OK” and then give me a hug to help me feel better. She also went through the phase of telling everyone about her dead aunt, but it wasn’t a sad thing for her – just a change she thought people should be aware of. She’s seven now and has a much more detailed knowledge of death. I don’t think it will be as simple the next time…On a related note, I’ve heard that it is best to avoid saying that death is like going to sleep and never waking up. Some kids then become afraid of going to sleep because they over-generalize.Condolences to you and your family.
I’m so sorry about Desi. My kids are 9 and 10, so I can’t sugar coat a lot these days. They visited my grandmother while in hospice, up until the day before she died. They’re very familiar with the process, but it didn’t freak them out. We’re not religious, I don’t know what we are, but it helps that there are grandparetns around to tell them about Heaven and all that good stuff. I don’t know where to begin with this stuff, like when they asked me if Adam and Eve were the first humans on Earth. I tell them my perspective, that we evolved, and that other people think this way and try to explain the religious part. This is when being a parent becomes a real challenge. Shaping those young minds is not easy.
I know I replied already but I wanted to add. My girls have recently been obsessed with funerals and praying fro the dead ever since we were stopped for a funeral procession. They want to go to one now. They know when people die that they get buried in cemeteries (they wanted to bring the hamster to the cometary when it died but we convinced them that under the lilac bush would be a nicer resting place).Anyway, the oldest has been with her Dad to visit the site of his Nana. SO the questions lately have been “if your good you go to Heaven when you die, right?”. “Well was Nana bad because she went to the cemetery?” I’ve had to explain that the body is like a shell for the soul, so when you die, you body stays on earth and is put in the cemetery. It’s a place for loved ones to visit and remember you. Its more for the living. And the soul part of you goes to Heaven if your good or Purgatory if your bad.
When my mom’s dog died (who my son LOVED) I struggled with the same thing since I don’t believe in “heaven”. Then my brother just jumped in and told him that Susie (the dog) had gone to heaven and that is where people go when they die. My son didn’t ask any questions and seemed happy with it. I wasn’t but it worked and we dropped it.Then my uncle died a year later and I was devestated. My son hugged me and said “Mommy I am pretty sure that he is in heaven taking care of Susie”. As much as I struggle with how to do this whole non-religion thing as a parent. That moment hasn’t left me.
No heaven stories here, either. Someone told me that children don’t have a preconceived notion of death, so simple explanations are best. Although I did not explain euthanasia to my daughter when one of our cats died, we had talked about her illness as “a kind that sometimes doesn’t get better.” So I told my daughter that our cat had died that morning, and that I was very sad, and I talked about some happy times with our kitty (crying all the while). And my daughter hugged me.I don’t think it’s ever easy, and surely it’s seldom graceful, but death is part of life. I tell my daughter what I think she can understand, and sometimes she asks questions because she needs to know more. She knew enough the day our kitty died; it was sad, but it’s better to have some sadness at a loss than to have never had the happiness that precedes it.Tough topic. My sympathies about your kitty.
I think the way you handled it with T as a 2 yr old is just about fine, TBH. Death is pretty tough to convey, you know? She just knows she’s gone.Now Jack is nearly 5, we’re pretty matter of fact about it. Of course, we’ve not had to deal with any real deaths or pet deaths, so who knows. I often wish we had heaven to fall back on too. And maybe we will end up going that route. Don’t know.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. And I think you handled it perfectly. I can’t even begin to imagine how I will be able to break the news of death to Archer when one of the dogs is old enough to go. Love to all of you.
My condolences. I know how hard it is to put a pet down.We’re hoping that we won’t have to explain it too much to our son. I remember as a kid watching a lot of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. There’s was a lot of death and it was put in a way that seemed totally normal. Hopefully Discovery can do that for him.Thankfully, both our dogs are very very young and are breeds with loooooong life expectancies so he may be in High School before we have to deal with sending the pups to “the farm”.
I’m so sorry about Desi. Putting down my beloved cat, Jesse, at the ripe old age of 18 was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. PunditGirl wasn’t here for that, but she did live through the death of my grandmother this year. Mr. PunditMom is in the same religious situation as you. I’m not a practicing anything. Trying to explain things to PunditGirl were very difficuly — how to you explain certain things when you don’t get into the dogma and “doctrine” of a faith? She’s seven and still wants to know, even with all the explaining we’ve tried to do, when she can visit my deceased grandparents and Mr. PunditMom’s deceased parents. It almost (almost) makes me want to fall back on some of that Sunday School stuff.
I try to avoid the whole heaven thing myself. I believe in an afterlife of some kind but not one with harps and angels on clouds and all that shit.That said, I’ve told my daughter when she was younger and less able to understand that your body is just a container for your soul and when your body gets too hurt or sick or old to keep living or what have you, the soul leaves the body behind and goes someplace much, much better. And when you die, you’ll see all the people that you loved who died and all your pets etc.That’s the abridged version anyway
ok, I swear to god I’m not trying to be insensitive to your grief, but I am peeing myself laughing at the Jack Handy quote. D and I used to live for those weekly pearls back when we could make it past 11:30.Like you, we are not practicing any particular strand of religion. We were both raised Catholic, were married by a Unitarian, baptised O in a Catholic church and G at St. Barts by the Waldorf (Episcopal)–and I admit it was because of the cafe and the parking garage, OK?! We are religious and spiritual mutts, most likely to land on Unitarian when the boys have too many questions we’re not sure how to answer. So the death thing is tough, and uncharted territory for us. My instinct is to keep it simple, to say that this little body was worn out and couldn’t make it, but that loved ones live with us in our memories.
my brother is a vet, and one day last summer he came over at about 11pm to put our yorkie to sleep. i had no idea what i mess i would be…i had to call my boss and tell him that i wouldn’t be in to work the next morning! in some ways, i’m glad that we had the opportunity to ‘do the deed’ at home…in other ways, think it made it harder. more personal, if that’s possible.anyway, i wanted to say that i feel your dilemna. i was raised without “free access to that treasure chest full of convenient faith-based answers to life’s tough questions.” i have a lot of days when i wish i would have grown up with something to believe…i envy the people that can stare the most horrible things in the face and still maintain some peace of heart because they truly believe in a higher power.but, i don’t have that.and it’s not something you can fake.i don’t have kids yet, but i do worry about this. will i let them grow up the way that i did?will i spoon-feed them something that i don’t really believe, in the hope that it will ultimately be a source of comfort in their lives?these are the questions, right?i envy the people who don’t have to make them…but, here we are.i know this is an awfully long coment, from someone who had absolutely no advice to give…i’m just another “i hear you, sister…” and hopefully that’s worth a little something.
and hopefully spelling doesn’t count, because…sheesh. that was a mess.
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. I had to put my cat to sleep right before last Christmas, and my 2 year old daughter witnessed my ‘losing it’ when I realized the time had come. The cat had been sick, and that last morning I couldn’t find him. Daughter was hovering in the kitchen with me, when the cat dragged himself in (he had lost the use of his legs overnight). At that point, I simply lost it. DH took the kids to daycare and I took the cat to the vet. Later that night, daughter was asking about Turbo (cat’s name). I simply told her that he was sick, and he’s in heaven with God. Our kids go to a Christian daycare, and, while it seems odd, they do talk to them about these concepts there. So the idea of going to heaven wasn’t completely new to her. She accepted this, and to this day she’ll still talk about that cat and how he’s in heaven with God. However, she did start to think that everytime we took an animal to the vet, they’d wind up in heaven so I have to be sure to assure her this isn’t always the case.Again, I’m so sorry – I know it’s so difficult to lose a pet.
I happen to be religious, but I still don’t think I would fall back on those types of explanations for the death of a pet. You and Nate seem to have your own understanding of what’s happened. If it’s good enough for you, I would think it would be good enough for your child. Kids don’t need too much information.
We talk about death all the time here for some reason. Boys, bugs, fishing, sea-life and so on. We are just always encountering dead things.But I haven’t had to deal with it yet in terms of a loss of someone we love or who is important to us.I think I’ve mentioned my husband is a pretty hardcore atheist and I’m very spiritual, but I almost never go to church or anything. We do talk about my dead grandfather (who my kids never met), and that he is with us, but in “heaven.” But they haven’t asked yet, what exactly that means. Good thing, because I haven’t yet figured out how I’ll explain the philosophical concepts without using the inane imagery and stories that are usually fed to children and that annoy me.I just asked my husband the question, and he looked at me like I have two heads and said he would just tell them the facts. “People get old (or sick) or whatever and then they die.”He’s a real source of comfort!