I am officially starting a petition to get the phrase “sleeping like a baby” struck from the English language.
My girls are beautiful. Smart. Healthy. (Except for this week, in which the unstoppable, Vesuvian-like flow of thick, nasty mucus from Thalia’s nose has us considering just how much it will cost to build an ark.) The one thing my children have not been blessed with is the ability to sleep.
Able to consume astronomical quantities of food: CheckAble to sleep through the night: Not so much
Thalia refused to nap anywhere but a swing, that battery-hungry beast, then forced us into reluctant co-sleeping for 11 months until finally I broke down, emotional and sleep-deprived and let her cry. It lasted an hour. The next night, about 20 minutes. If memory serves, on the third night she slept like…well, some other person’s baby.
I can now assure you close to two years later that she shows no signs of psychological damage, no fear of abandonment. Although she did run away, shave her hair into a mohawk and get a tattoo a couple weeks ago. But I attribute that more to allowing her to watch the Family Guy with us.
Sage, on the other hand, was a champion napper until a few weeks ago when she decided she’d far prefer to forage for dust bunnies and small, jagged hair clips under the couch in the afternoons than lie down in her crib. This wouldn’t be such a travesty if she weren’t also still waking up, on average, 2-4 times a night and yelling for a bottle.
Let me say that one more time for emphasis: After 10.5 months, she still wakes up 2-4 times a night. And cries. Loudly. She goes down, but won’t stay down. We shove a bottle in her mouth so that she won’t wake her sister right next to her. Which is of course the total wrong thing to do to get her to sleep through the night. We’ve traded a smart, long-term solution for a quick fix.
Every night for more than 300 nights.
And I am so so so freaking tired. (And, evidently, fat.) I can only imagine that Sage is tired too.
So this week it’s deja vu all over again, as we let her cry Monday at 2:45 AM without intervention. It lasted a half hour. We all lived. And then she slept the rest of the night.
Last night: Only one waking. We still gave her that bottle.
But tonight the kitchen closes at 7PM for the night. Wish us luck.
And as for you, the kind, helpful, supportive anonymous reader who commented on a post two years ago: You are a horrible,selfish person.I wont even call you a mother because even animals take better care of their young.Crying it out is child abuse.Most of us want children,not programmed robots.Get yourself sterilised.
I hope you’ll be back to offer me more of your thoughtful suggestions. Why, I’d hardly know how to parent without you.
84 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
We suffered through night terrors when my son was about 15 months old. I say “We” — he shared a room with his 6-yr-old sister, in a duplex with thin walls, so we would jump to move him out of the crib every time before she would wake up and the neighbors would wake up. The worst part for me? I was doing an internship that semester with a 50 minute commute each way. On no sleep, some nights. I hear you, mama. Do what you need to do.
It’s amazing that with the second one, it’s still an emotional decision wrought with guilt and your own tears, even knowing the first survived CIO just fine. We’ve procrastinated doing the same thing with our second, at 13 months (eek). Probably because we know he is our last. Perhaps also because now we know just how fleeting those baby months are, and we (I) wanted to prolong it a little bit.Good luck, good sleep, and thank you for all your wonderful posts.
I feel for you, because I have been where you have. I wanted so badly not CIO with either of my kids, but when you haven’t had a full night’s sleep in 11 months and you are falling asleep while driving you must take drastic measures. My luck, the boy wasn’t so easy as the girl. He screamed for hours, yes that is right hours, for a few nights until one night he just went to sleep. He is 2 yrs old, now, and I haven’t seen any mental damage yet, but I have the therapy fund just in case. To be honest I am sure I am going to mess them up in the teen years far more than anything I have ton in their infant and toddler years.
Geez. I was just commenting at Joy’s about how we get so wrapped in our “should” mom culture, we lose perspective on some things – and I would say that commenter is SORELY lacking in it! Ours was never a great sleeper either, until about 14months. Her daytime naps were 20-30 mins. She woke once or two a night until she was about 14 mos. I remember thinking at about 10 months that I was going to go psychotic from lack of sleep. I didn’t CIO in the end, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it seriously and recall my mom doing it with my sister to good effect and no lasting concern. I just couldn’t do it myself, is all. We got through it, we’re fine, and I still think that although I feel like my choice on that issue was the right one for me, every parent has to go with what is going to work for them and their child. Sanctimommies be damned.
You are almost on the other side! I am so so so envious. Also dealing with the “don’t wake #1″ scenario, but once we figured out that #1 would not wake up even if Oceanic Flight 815 landed in our living room, we let the crying begin. And it didn’t work. Our daughter is immune to CIO. She was allowed to CIO for about 30 days and made only minor progress. Now what? I can not co-sleep. Oh no I can’t. We are renting a small place with a full-sized futon. Co-sleep would mean no-sleep. I wonder if anyone else has found their baby immune to CIO?
I am convinced based on anecdotal evidence that children who are terrible sleepers are geniuses. I mean, my own son didn’t sleep through the night on a regular basis until he was ONE AND A HALF, and he, in my entirely unbiased totally expert opinion, is a genius. So Thalia and Sage must be geniuses, too, I think.BTW Rookiemom, my son was immune to CIO. I finally tried for like two weeks it after reaching a breaking point with the lack of sleep. But the longer we left him in his crib, the longer and louder he would cry. He would just get more and more agitated, until I was worried he was going to make himself throw up. And the longer we let him cry, the longer it took to get him back to sleep. He also didn’t take well to co-sleeping. He wanted to be near us while he was FALLING asleep, but once he WAS asleep, he kicked and shoved all night long because he couldn’t stand feeling closed-in (the kid wouldn’t even sleep with a blanket on for his first 18 months.) Kid was just un-please-able.
Q never responded to CIO — I think the longest I let her go was 3 straight hours and then we decided she wasn’t a good candidate.Drew, however, is perfect. And we are initiating it as I write this. Or well, tonight. Mommy’s diner is officially closing.
I only want to add my support for what you are doing to the many good comments here–we were getting up with our guy as many as 4-5 times a night at 8 months (he was born last May, just like Sage!), and I could barely function at work. Sleep training has been an ongoing process for us, with setbacks along the way, but overall it has been a miracle for us. I know how hard it is and just want to say GOOD FOR YOU!!!
YAY! I can read your blog again. I had to reluctantly stop reading because for some reason, your blog (along with quite a few others and I suspect it was the blogher ads) took like…4 minutes to load. So anyway, I’m ecstatic that it seems to be a thing of the past. Those who denigrate CIO have never had a baby who doesn’t sleep. Period. It can be done kindly and effectively, and as you said, without long term psychological damage. And babies NEED to sleep. Teaching them to do it is as important as anything else we teach them, if not more so.
Crying it out is a very, very good thing! I wish I would have tried it on my third child, as he is four and still waking up at least once a night. Ugh!I was sooooo afraid he would wake up the other two, and that would have been worse than a trip to the dentist w/out pain meds.that I let hime wake up and get in bed with us. Each. and. every. time. I am still tired and still fat! Good luck tonight. I hope it works.
My daughter was an actual patient of Dr Ferbers after 18 LONG months of no sleep. I’m such a believer in CIO that I’d fly a flag over my house if anyone know what the hell I was promoting. Go for it, and get some good long lasting sleep!
I have nothing but respect for you, hon. We’re CIO-ers ourselves, but we also forced our dogs to sleep in crates for their first year or two of life and if you think anti-CIO people are crazy you should meet anti-crate people.What one has to do with the other, I have no idea.
Sleep deprived mothers endanger their babies when they drive, cook, change diapers, bathe them. Pretty much reads like a new mom job description. When I got to my car with a cart full of groceries and found the door open. . .not unlocked, but <>open<>, and the cash was still sitting on the seat, I realized that I needed to try CIO. Better a programmed robot than a horrific car crash or other traumatic experience because of my sleep deprivation. I figure if it’s an outrage that it could happen in Gitmo, it’s an outrage that it happens in my home.
Seconding Meredith’s comment…I started read – err – lurking your blog in late ’06. But I found your post on CIO much later when I googled Weissbluth. Getting up every hour was making me lose what was left of my mind. I wanted to try CIO but my friends had perfect sleepers and fell into the “no way I’d do that” camp. Reading that someone else had to try it too gave me more courage to give it a go (so thank you!) CIO worked for us. Hope it does for Sage as well.(jumping back into comfortable lurkiness)
I won’t bore you with a comment on my kids, and how they did with the CIO. But, I will tell you that I slept with my mom until I was in the 7th grade. My hubby and I made a conscious decision to not allow our little ones to sleep with us period. I probably went to far the other way but, it has worked for us. The few times that one has crawled in, if I can’t wake up enough to take them to bed I will eventually wake up and do so. You will get through this, and just think of a 13 year old sleeping with you should encourage the CIO method…lol. Patty
why can’t we have children AND programmed robots?
If you’re doing this at 10 months, think of the mean mom I am who did it at 16 weeks with her wretched sleeper. After two miserable CIO nights, we have a dream sleeper… good luck. I think CIO is the only way to go!
I didn’t try CIO with Mira until she weaned and switched to bottles. Now I tank her up in the evening with plenty to eat, and she goes to bed without any issue. Until two weeks ago, she’d still wake up once per night (and I’d give in and give her a bottle), but lately she’s sleeping thru the night now.Good luck with it tonight. I’m thankful that Mira took to it so well. Cordy didn’t stop waking 1-2 times a night until after she was a year old.
we cried it out pretty early (my gal was colicky and crying in my ARMS for an hour plus a night, so at least in her bed we could put walls between us and the wailing). It worked for us, and engendered my strong belief that parenting is all about doing what works for you and the kid. Just works for the kid? Not so great if you don’t sleep. Just works for you? Equally problematic. Works for both? Who cares what some anonymous jerk thinks?
It works. The anti-CIO people kinda leave that part out.
i’m guessing that kind, supportive anonymous reader who felt compelled to leave such a comment has a teenager who insists on still sleeping with mummy, and a husband who’s been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 years (with whom she hasn’t had sex since said teenager was conceived).that is the one parenting concept on which i will not bend–no. children. in. my. bed. period. not ever. maybe on the wild occasion when you wake up feverish and chilled will i allow you to cross that line, but rest assured, when you’re feeling better, your ass will return to your own bed, like it or not. and guess what? my raging bipolar kid, the one who has caused me infinite trouble at every end of the spectrum and every point in between? goes to bed at 8pm. doesn’t get up. sleeps like the dead. and always has.
I strongly believe in crying it out! My son slept w/us until about 5 months old when he kicked me in my throat and to his crib he went. I still went in and gave him a bottle, filled w/formula and then slowly w/water. Our doctor said at 16 lbs they can make it through the night w/out a bottle so we feed him, changed him and put in the ear plugs and the next morning he was alive and happy. I can’t stand hearing them cry so I used ear plugs and my husband didn’t so he could hear if something serious was happing. Now he is 2 and sleeping in his own big boy bed from 8:30pm-7:30am. They have to learn that when mommy and daddy say it’s night time, it’s night time and that is that! Now goes round 2 with my 3 month old.
I’m in the “do what is best for you and your family” camp. For us that includes CIO. First at 4 months when I was so sleep deprived I burst into tears when asked how the baby was doing and again at 13.5 months when we’d backslide into two night wakings again. Lately I can tell if the screams are the “holy crap my leg is caught in the crib slats” screams or just the “why are you not playing with me” variety. Either way there is no more eating at night and no more rocking or patting to sleep. This works for us.I have friends whose babies get more and more amped up the more they cry so no amount of crying is ever going to allow them to sleep but I know very little about this so I take their word for it. I also have friends that just say they can’t bear it themselves to listen to the crying. To each his own, you gotta do what you gotta do for your own family.I’ve had my fair share of women in playgroups basically telling me I was awful for letting Boog cry in they same breath that they complain about how tired they are because their little angels are still waking repeatedly.
Wow, I am so glad to read this post and all the comments. As a new mom to a four month old, I kept thinking I was the only one who has a baby that DOES NOT SLEEP lol. Glad to see I am not alone. I am going to have to do the CIO very very soon. I am beyond exhausted!
I did the “give in thing” and co slept for a little while. Then my husband comes home from work and tells me of this woman he works with whose child has never slept in her own bed, the kid was 4 years old. Yeah, that night my little bug cried himself to sleep and has been sleeping pretty good since.
Letting your child cry is another way of saying that you are teaching them to get to sleep on their own, which is a wonderful gift that you are giving to your baby. That quote that you posted was NUTS! My kids, 3 and 2, have slept through the night from 6 months or so. We used a sort of “modified” cry it out, where we would go in if they sounded completely hysterical and pat them on the back, remind them we love them and they are not abandoned, and then tell them to go to sleep already. You need YOUR sleep – happy kids have happy moms.
Gosh, your life must be complete now that some anonymous moron called you a terrible mother. LOL! Too funny. I know it must have stung to read that, but consider the source and the tone. People who write nasty notes like that are simply venomous and spiteful. And most likely a little bit jealous of at least one area of your life. I’m not sure exactly what they expected you to do, but CIO is a perfectly legitimate way to help your child learn how to put him/herself to sleep. It worked for us!
) Gotta go! I have to get myself sterilized. C-ya!
I just found your blog (not sure how I missed it – you are hysterical!) I found you through the SV Mom Blogs (I contribute). Anyway – had same problem with boy kids = I hope they are sleeping now – the crying it out works! I had a commenter on my blog leave a similar comment – it still irks me….Jamie R Lentznerhttp://www.jpd.typepad.com
That’s it. I’m going to let Melissa cry it out tonight. I had been hoping that I wouldn’t need to go there but by god, tonight (or at least tomorrow night) I am going to get more than 3 hours consecutive sleep. Thank you thank you thank you.
same as Jaelithe. My son almost threw up and after weeks of trying it I gave up. eventually by abt 20 months he learnt. same with my daughter. i think they’re just as stubborn as their mother!
I hope all went well for you, I suppose I should check since this post is a week or so old, but I was so wrapped up in the comments I didn’t even look yet!I cannot believe how close-minded and rude some people are in their comments. Up until three days ago I had never, not once, responded to my daughter’s cry. (She is six months old.) I could get her to nap, and sleep, but involved me usually napping with her, or nursing her to sleep, or any of the 300 things we moms try to get them to nod off into deep sleep land….Anyhow, after doing some serious soul-searching I bought Weissmuth’s book (Healthy sleep habits, happy child)I absolutely cannot believe how fast it worked.The first time we CIO it was twenty minutes, and I cried the entire time. But after that, it has always gotten shorter, and their are some naps and bedtimes were there is none at all.I would recommend it to anyone. It isn’t a heartless thing to do, its a necessary thing to do. We teach a baby to eat, why wouldn’t we teach them to sleep too?I am doing it for her, not for my me. (Granted it is a nice bonus that I now have freetime again, but that wasn’t even my intent.) I just wanted her to be happy and well-rested.Thank you so much for posting about CIO. I will be reading the rest of your blog now to see how it went!
I should have reviewed my previous comment before posting. I meant to say I had never NOT responded to my daughter’s cry up until three days ago.Wow would if I have been blasted for that had a I not reread my comment!
Every parent has a right to his/her parenting choices and shouldn’t be defensive about it. I’m just surprised at the comments- most of them support CIO, I expected a bit more variety
Perhaps because I was writing about my personal experiences, and asking for specific advice. This has always been a kind, supportive, thoughtful community. And part of being supportive is knowing when to step out of the discussion when your POV may not be what’s required of a mother in need. There are times to disagree and times to say, “I’ll come back later.”