For the last two weeks I was pregnant.
And now I’m not.
Because I never was pregnant.
The situation was so incredibly improbable considering the circumstances, that had I been pregnant, I should have been sainted and my silhouette spotted on barn walls and pieces of toast in South America for years to come. And yet every fiber of my body, every cell I had, every neuron and mitochondrion and DNA strand said pregnant.
The boobs were enormous. I was crampy. I was devouring every carb in site, including some sort of wrapped Little Debbie brownie thing that tasted like sugar and ass. I started having those wacky, vivid dreams–first that I won Top Chef, next that Schmutzie was running a really nice little bake shop in the West Village and invited me in for scones. I was bloated. I was exhausted. But above all, I was terrified. Because if this wasn’t the return of the PMS from hell, something I hadn’t experienced since before Thalia was born, then it was something very very not good at all.
For the last two weeks, every waking moment and most that should have been devoted to sleeping, were directed towards the question of What To Do. (And so apologies to all people I have encountered recently who may have found me to be distracted or manic or detached or all of the above.) I tried to weigh the pros and cons of having a third child, twisting them and contorting them every way, trying to make the columns line up.
The columns weren’t lining up.
It’s not to say that people don’t live wonderful fulfilling lives with three or more kids every day. But I know that I just can’t handle another pregnancy. I just can’t. I did not make a particularly good baby transport system, as my sister-in-law Lexi (a third child herself) put it, between the bedrest and the depression and the feelings of being fat and slow and stupid and ugly and irrelevant. As I teeter at the brink of forty, I fear I would be even worse off. To say nothing of the existing struggles in our relationship, the challenges in our lives, the financial burdens we have right now – a pregnancy would surely push us over the edge.
I drank a whole lot of wine this week.
“You know your limits,” said the one friend I confided in, who may have just talked me off an actual ledge with her words. I know my limits. I know our limits.
So I started to consider the options. And none of them were pretty.
We mostly think of unwanted pregnancies as the bane of the young and single. But to be a parent pushing forty, relatively responsible and in a committed relationship–I will simply say that is its own fresh hell. I can’t elaborate right now without this turning political. And I don’t want it to be political. It’s personal. I debated whether to share it at all, except that it’s been so consuming, I fear if I don’t get it out, it will eat me alive.
It’s over now. I am feeling emotionally battered.
I am going to have to deal with the fact that my nearly debilitating PMDD has returned after a four-year respite. I may end up on Wellbutrin again and eating my weight in donuts before it’s all over.
But for now, I’m going to hug my kids so tightly and thank the universe for them, then take them to Rye Playland. Where I can push through the cramps, get myself some cotton candy, and go on every single ride in the park.
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I’m so sorry Liz.As a fellow PMDD sufferer I feel this pain. I don’t know if it would work for you but the Serafem has changed my life.
I am sorry to hear it.
Oh, friend. I so understand, in ways that aren’t exactly the same, but sympathetic, if that makes sense. XOXOXOXOXOX
I know exactly how you feel. I get this every month. It starts the day I ovulate and torments me for 14 days. It’s hell for me because I’d kind of like a second child, but I swear my husband celebrates every month.
I had the same thing happen to me last year when my youngest was just a little older than Sage. I was SURE I was pregnant, and so relieved when I was not. It is a scary place to be in, when you’ve already had the family you want and have to face all the changes adding one more would create. In a way the not being pregnant, but still facing all of those decisions, makes you VERY clear on how you feel about having a third. It confirms that you’re happy with two.Ahhh… that’s a sigh of relief.
About two months ago I had the same thing. And while I would love another baby, my husband is dead-set against it and honestly I don’t think either my body or mind could handle another child. I spent two weeks going crazy wondering if I was pregnant but too chickenshit to take the test. I guess I didn’t want to know until I had wrapped my mind around the possibility and figured out what to do, if that makes any sense.Anyhow, thanks for sharing. And like everyone else said, be kind to yourself.
I will be 40 next month and feared I was pregnant recently. It ate my up and made me seem like a lost zombie to everyone who encountered me. I am barely a sane mother to two; I can only imagine how ill fit I am to have three. Thankfully, it was a fluke. Hell, the pregnancy would have been a fluke. Mac Daddy got snipped two years ago!Hang in there.
In a way, I wish I was pregnant, tho’ I know I am too old. But I know the feeling of wondering whether I am and whether I should be and what is going to be.In any event, I’m there for you.
Please do not take this as passing judgement. I feel you. I, personally, had no choices when I found out I was pregnant with the third. I was almost out of my first trimester already, and it took me until the day he was born to figure out how to deal with it. He’s 5 1/2 now…and I love him more than I could ever have imagined. But I still remember that time with fear. And we were so certain that we were completely, totally done, that we both had surgery.
Totally know how you feel – on the PMDD & the “what if I'm pregnant” too.I've found that my PMS got MUCH worse when I turned 40 (43 now).
I’m sorry you’ve been having such a rough time! I’ve experienced a lot of what you’re talking about, and it’s not fun and not easy.Have you ever tried Evening Primrose Oil? I have a cousin who says it changed her life.And my sister has an AMAZING acupuncturist in NYC, if you want a recommendation…
Nothing wrong with knowing your limits – physically and mentally.My PMDD likes to come and go too, fooling me to think my husband’s vasectomy has reversed itself. Oh, those are good days . . . not.
Oh honey, I’m so feeling you right now. I had a pregnancy scare last year when I was about to turn 40 and I was terrified. As for the PMDD, it could just be your hormones adjusting after having Sage. If you do need to go back on Wellbutrin for PMDD, then so be it. We all need a little help from time to time. {{Liz}}
Mirena = good.You could also go for a hysterectomy. Both options would solve the PMDD AND the pregnancy issue.I totally plan to use a Mirena when I’m done with the babies.
I’m sorry I am just now reading this. Intermittent internet access at the beach is my explanation. I’m sorry I’m not there to give you a big hug.xoxo
One word – vasectomy. It’s wonderful. No 3rd child for me either.
Dude, my soul has been composing a post like for six months…since we thought we might be having a third and every fiber of my being was screaming NO! Despite the amazingness of my other two.
Wellbutrin is the savior of my neurotransmitters. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on it, but it was a miracle for me. Also, it comes with the added bonus of weight loss as a side effect. Can it get much better? Seriously, the PMDD blows. I hope it’s something that can be regulated for you.
You are brave and true, and I greatly admire your courage. Hang in there. And you know what? You would have done what was right for your family.
I have just read your post and all the comments. I have a few things to say, don’t feel guilty. Its your body and you would do what you need to do to keep your family sane. That being said, either get your tubes tied like now or get hubby in for the big V (though they should call it the little v, cause really its such a tiny operation). Second, I had PMDD with #2 and went on YAZ, it was a saviour for me. No craziness, no weight gain, no psycho momma. I saw someone posted about Mirena, don’t do it. I know of 2 people who got pregnant with Mirena…I am glad you know now that you are not pregnant, and hope you can take steps to make that an impossibility so that you never have to worry like that again.
i can’t believe i missed this post.i am so sorry i missed it.there is NOTHING wrong with knowing your limits. nothing. and you shouldn’t feel bad about knowing your body and freaking out. i would be freaking out too.and no shame in having to go back on the wellburtrin if you need it.ps? i have a mirena iud. i LOVE LOVE LOVE it. no periods at all.HUGS, my friend, HUGS. big, huge ones!
A very courageous post.
Thank you for posting this. I am just coming across your blog, but I felt like commenting because this situation hits close to home for me.I am young(ish) and single (though with a boyfriend), and I just made the decision to terminate a pregnancy.It’s good to see that this kind of thing is never an easy decision. It was really hard for us. I knew I wanted to terminate, but I also know that I really want to be a mother, and felt lucky to be able to conceive at all, given the numbers of people with infertility (it was one time unprotected!). Also, my boyfriend wanted to keep it more than I did. I still feel sad about it, and probably won’t feel okay until I do have a baby when the timing is better.I don’t have any real point, I just want to say thanks for sharing.
Anon, glad you found some comfort here.You may never feel totally “okay” with it. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision for you. I wish you the best of luck.
I feel ya sistah. PMDD bites. Do what you need to do to stay as sane as possible.
There is only one sure way to avoid getting pregmant other than giving up intimacy-one of you has to get clipped. Literal clips can be inserted on your husband, in case there’s a change of mind later. Don’t wait-it would be very unfair to all of your kids to have one you don’t want!