Once upon a time I wrote a post called Mommybloggings that is so out of date now it’s practically hilarious. In fact I think I may have been wearing a bonnet and petticoat as I dipped my quill feather in ink and described how some moms were here for community and some were here to become better writers, and how the division occasionally caused tension.
Of course this was all back in the day that you were a sell-out if you joined the BlogHer ad network, and it was rare to be asked to review much more than a book or the occasional ill-conceived personal lubricant. It was certainly before Nielsen started quantifying blogger “power” and moms accepted free trips to Disney and holy cow, is this the blog world I joined where people wrote funny stories about their kids? Or some wacky free-for-all where air fresheners and other assorted package goods fall from the sky and the goal is to grab as many as you can, quick! Quick, before someone else gets them!
Now people are fighting. Turf wars! Mommy gangland! The lines are drawn, the shivs have been whittled out of Fisher Price toddler spoons, the FTC is on the case, and it hasn’t been pretty.
One one side you’ve got the earlier “mommybloggers” (who I still choose to call parenting bloggers), people like Erin and Lindsay who have been outspoken about their distaste for the blurred distinction between editorial and compensated posts, among other things.
On the other side, you’ve got the moms who are very excited to share their opinions on the new Turtle Wax Miracle Towel or whatnot (provided they get one for free and an identical one for their readers which they’ll give away in a twitter contest) who say What do you care what I write about? You’re not the boss of me. And by the way, I totally love Turtle Wax Miracle Towel and always have and my readers want nothing more than to read about the Turtle Wax Miracle Towel and my personal experiences with it and by the way, did I mention you’re not the boss of me?
And they’d be right.
I’ve been saying for ages that there is a semantic issue here: We need to ditch the term mommyblog because it defines the blogger and not the blog.
There are review blogers and there are parenting bloggers. The fact that we are all parents is incidental. Jessica Smith would be the first person to agree to that. (The second would be Stephanie Smirnov who wrote a great post on bloggers and brands from the PR perspective.)
We’re different people here for different reasons, despite finding ourselves on the same pitch lists and Evites, attending the same conferences and sharing plenty of Twitter followers. We have different goals and different measurements of success.
But of course it’s not quite so black and white as those two categories, same as how it wasn’t with my original Mommybloggings post (as many kind readers pointed out back then).
There are bloggers like Kimberly of Mom in the City who posts reviews and while she might not fit into an old school definition of mommyblogging, is one of the kindest, coolest, most authentic, honest writers I’ve had the privilege of meeting. I’ve sat on panels with her and she brings a thoughtfulness to the conversation that most of us could learn from. Any time anyone disses a product blogger I think, well – look at Kimberly. I love what she brings to blog comments anytime I catch her name beneath a post.
Then there are also classic essay sort of bloggers – say, me? – who, while we write about our lives as parents, are happy to accept certain opportunities like phone calls with Gloria Steinem and sitcom set visits because they are experiential. They fit into our lives, they provide content for our blogs, and they give us the ability to make jokes about celebrity urine that then the Wall Street Journal can go and attribute to someone else.
Which means guess what? Pretty much everyone is in bed with a marketer to some degree. Whores, all of us!
Except Blog Antagonist, bless her.
So I’ve been reading all these posts over the past few weeks, asking myself why should I care?
Why should I care what anyone else does with her blog? Why shouldn’t I simply avoid the blogs I find distasteful and stick with the writers who continue to thrill me and delight me and entertain me enough to make up for the fact that there are other things I could be doing with my time besides reading their posts?
The truth of the matter is, I do care.
I care because how we behave in this space impacts one another. It affects the community as it is currently defined – that one with all of us in it together.
It’s the same way you would care if you suddenly found your neighbor in your overpriced subdivision painted his house purple and gold and flew pirate flags out all the windows and bred chickens on the front lawn.
I care because I hate seeing moms demean themselves and accept less than they’re worth – and I hate seeing them make demands that make us all worth a little less.
I care because I love this space. And I value the fact that that we can discuss–out in the open and with our real names attached–the issues that affect us. And because I think it’s worthwhile to put other perspectives out there than the one out there that suggests bloggers should spend their days writing to PR folks in search of free stuff “for review.” Because those PR people are horrified. And they are freaked out. And they are trying to figure out how to handle it, all the while floating phrases like shameless and unprofessional about our community–the community I love–behind closed doors.
Now of course I think that people have the right to write whatever the heck they want on their own personal blogs. There’s certainly enough bandwidth to go around. I also have no problems with bloggers aligning themselves with marketers and causes they believe in as long as they’re not misleading me about it.
But then, I am also sad that the marketing is no longer a small part of the blog world but what seems to be the biggest part.
I am sad that it’s making some of the most authentic, talented writers on the web question their relevance.
I am sad that when a mom decides to blog, she is not told that rule number one is write well (with the merciful exception of advice from Citymama and Lindsay) but that rule number one is to make sure your contact info can be easily found by people who want to pitch you.
I am most sad that marketing is pulling us apart.
Did we all used to get along and hug and love every single mom who launched a free Blogspot account? God, no. Hell to the no. But we never questioned each other’s authenticity. A blogger wrote what was in her heart and either we agreed or we didn’t. Now no one can mention a trip to the zoo or a great movie without someone questioning whether it’s been sponsored.
Gosh, that’s more than sad, it’s tragic. What do we have if not our integrity?
In the end, I wonder where it all this corporate interaction leave blogging. Where will it leave all these beautiful personal little virtual homes for self-expression and story trading and photo sharing?
I fear they’ll be deserted and left to litter the internet, like the endless strip malls in Florida abandoned when the newer, shinier strip mall across the street opens for business.
It’s flattering to be recognized by marketers, of course. But as I keep reminding myself, that’s not why I’m here.
You are.
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And posts like this are why we love you.
The best on this I’ve read yet! Great post!
Fabulous.
So well written and I love Parent Bloggers, too.
Great job, thank you for putting this out there so eloquently.
Amen and Amen. Very well written!
What you said on my last post? I’m just gonna ditto that, ‘kay? (I WANT TO BOTTLE YOU AND THIS POST AND TRAVEL AROUND WITH IT AND SPRAY EVERYBODY WITH IT WHILE SCREAMING ‘BE HEALED’)
Yeah. That.
Perfectly, perfectly said.
Thanks for this – as a review blogger and personal blogger, I’ve been thinking a lot about this!
Yep. I keep saying that. Thank you.
I’m with Cat.
Let’s shove you in a bottle so we can heal the world.
xoxoxox
thanks for getting it out there that not all of us “mommybloggers” are product grubbing whores. I have a little old blog that I am trying to get out there, but so many of the recommendations are to go after PR and do reviews and giveaways and just push push push. Well, I don’t want to shove myself down other’s throats – I hope to get my name out there and achieve a following because people like what I have to say. And if that doesn’t happen, well, that’s okay too. Cause I’m basically writing for myself, and the audience I pretend to (and hopefully someday will) have.
This was a good post. Since I’m a very small blogger in a huge pond, I don’t get offers raining down on me. I do the odd book review for a website, but only because I want the Amazon gift cards that come with said reviews. I’ve never been offered a trip to the corner store, never mind Disney World, but I probably wouldn’t turn it down if one came along. I think you can do reviews and accept offers of goods and services and still write a hell of a good blog.
You fucking rule. *HIGH-FIVE & BLOG TERRORIST FIST-BUMP*
Very well done.
I think blogging controversy has a life cycle all it’s own. Many moons ago, the big dust up was who was on whose blogroll. After that, the evils of blog awards was all the buzz.
Granted, back then there wasn’t money and prizes at “stake”, but like a I said a few months ago, < HREF="http://www.busymom.net/archives/004136.html" REL="nofollow">it’s a group dynamic thing<>, there will always be people vying for whatever they see as the “top”.
But? the “top” is always changing. Can you really ever get there?
I have no idea. I try to maintain a knowledge of new developments such as this marketing business (there’s nothing inherently evil about it), but mostly I plan to just keep writing.
I do think the heart of the problem is that, as adults, most of us don’t cotton to being dictated to by those we perceive as peers. Who is one blogger to determine if another blogger is an ”actual” mommy-blogger or simply a parent who likes to get freebies and run contests with giveaways? I don’t have the answer.
Contributing too is that much like the person who paints their house purple and raises chickens on the sidewalk, those who are seen as the ”problem” in not asking for more, expecting compensation or fully disclosing, whichever unwritten rule they are breaking, don’t care that their purple house living chickens bother anyone else because if they did they may have asked for permission or advice beforehand. And you can’t force someone to name a higher price for themselves or care about their community; that is rather intrinsic to who someone is and I dare say it would be easier to teach fish to juggle than teach what would seem to be ”common” sense to an uninterested, unconcerned adult.
Word.
I don’t mind being called a Mommy Blogger if it isn’t a dirty word. And lately, it is. Which sucks.
A lot of the issues you touched on here are EXACTLY why I have my blog. (My space and my voice.) And a review website, a separate entity where I can play with my friends. I think a lot of review blogs suck. The content is shallow, the designs are ugly, blah blah blah. Is my review blog better? Probably not. And if so, only marginally. Is it fun? Yep. Is it my voice? Nope.
This was a great post.
“I fear they’ll be deserted and left to litter the internet, like the endless strip malls in Florida abandoned when the newer, shinier strip mall across the street opens for business.”
Perfectly said. I keep thinking to myself that all these people who are just in it for the money/goodies will follow the money somewhere else when the next big thing crops up. At least it’s easier to ignore the burnt out space on the internet than it is a strip mall
Yeah.
I kind of wish my neighbors would start growing chickens – I’d like the eggs. Maybe I should do it myself.
I pretty much blog for me. And you. And not them. Read my post about “spread” that isn’t butter. I’m never getting invited anywhere again.
Well said. Now, where do I apply to become a product-grubbing whore? ‘Cause that sounds pretty good.
Awesome, awesome post Busy Mom. As always.
Yes yes yes yes YES YES YES! (I’ll have what she’s having.)
How come when < HREF="http://www.workitmom.com/bloggers/corneredoffice/2009/05/12/could-you-would-you-on-your-blog/" REL="nofollow">I try to write about this stuff<> I feel all awkward and rambly and then when you write about it I nod until I get whiplash? Oh, right. Because you’re a lot more concise than I am.
Thank you for saying it so well, Liz.
As I was reading this, I kept saying, “Yeah!” “Yeah!” “Yeah!” And I wasn’t listening to Usher, either.
This is exactly what I was talking to another blogging friend about on the phone last night. I don’t want to care what someone else does on her blog, but at the same time, I don’t want someone to find out I’m a “mommyblogger” and immediately get an image of a woman who’ll sell her soul for a free bottle of detergent. I don’t like where it all seems to be going.
On the other hand, I don’t want other bloggers to be offended when I think aloud about these things. To me, it’s not about any specific person. It’s part of the greater dialogue.
And ultimately, I don’t blame any of the bloggers- who OF COURSE want to accept cool products and trips and cash, particularly in this kind of economy- I blame the marketers for pushing the boundaries and pressuring us to blur the lines. And even the marketers are just doing their jobs. OF COURSE they’re going to push the boundaries.
It all just kind of sucks right now, doesn’t it? I feel like the power’s gone out and we’re all just running around grabbing at each other.
Hoo-fricken-Ray!
As someone who has pretty much started blogging in the last year I’m pretty sick of being told that there are “rules” and I need to be working harder if I’m not getting enough traffic or having enough marketers contact me. I don’t do so well with rules – especially ones that basically encourage me to sell myself to the highest bidder.
I blog for the community I’ve discovered and I write because I like the ideas flowing and I write because I’ve dicovered how much more creative I am ever since I started blogging. I don’t think Mommy Blogger is a bad name – we just need to make sure that WE define it – not someone else.
Yeah…what Sweetney said.
I’ve been mulling this around in my head for a while and I think you hit the ole nail on the head.
I LOVE that you dismiss the term “mommyblogger”. Though I love my kids, there’s more to me and occasionally my writing than just me being a mom.
I can’t help but wonder if some of this isn’t a media driven “mommy war”-the mainstream media’s attempt to fan the flames of something that before now was maybe only a smolder.
1) I would so totally love it if I had a neighbor raising chickens and flying pirate flags. That would RULE.
2) Where will it leave all these personal virtual homes? Well, some people will continue on in the same exact manner in which they started, some people won’t. Good writing rises to the top, no matter the context. I can’t really understand the hand-wringing about marketing, because the people who are in it just to make a buck will do it one way, while the people who blog because they love it will do it another, and both ways are fine. I know what I’d rather read, but hey, people get to choose what they read, people get to choose what kind of content they produce. Diversity opens doors, even if what’s behind some of them is unsavory to you.
3) I mostly read blogs written by parents that have an authentic voice. There are hundreds, thousands of them out there. Some do additional sponsored writing, some don’t. Most run ads. I’ve never once felt hoodwinked by a writer. Am I really in the minority here?
I remember before I started my blog, I read a few posts/articles by <>established<> bloggers about blogging. They all made the same point: it’s about compelling content and about being authentic.
So if someone can be authentic or compelling while writing about or recommending a product, and finds interested readers, why not? And if someone feels more authentic avoiding this, that’s fine. Readers will seek out their preference.
I’m agreeing with you entirely. In the end, since we’re writing about the wild ride of parenthood, don’t we have more important things to worry about?
The reason I started reading blogs in the first place was writing like this, thoughtful and insightful.
xoxo to you.
You’re my favorite.
Seriously, I don’t know how you manage to have a review blog (that only features groovy indy types), write a kickass personal blog within an ad network, and be in advertising and still manage to be the most authentic, genuine person blogging today.
Well said.
Well said. As always.
I stopped reading so many, many mom blogs because of this issue. I ducked and ran far away from the momosphere and I’ll be honest, I miss it. I am concocting a return and don’t want to get caught up in the business of blogging, I just want to write and connect w/ other parents.
Mmm, I think it’s a bit like parenting in that if you get so caught up in needing to do this, having to do that, you forget about just enjoying and doing. I have no marketers interested in me, but then agin, my kid smells like the county fair right now, so I’d keep my distance too.
amazing, perfect post
As one of those people who once upon a time thought she was part of this ‘community’ everyone keeps talking about, what I find saddest about all of this is how everyone on both sides of the marketing fence has allowed the ‘marketing thing’ to cannibalize the ‘writing thing.’
Inundated with offers, whether you take them or not? You count. You’re part of the problem or the solution or something at least. You exist.
Once got a note from someone asking you to review a book and you told them no, because it had nothing to do with you, and that was the last thing you ever heard from anybody? You’re nobody, you have nothing to add to the debate.
I used to think that you were a mommyblogger if you were a mommy and you blogged. Apparently, that no longer even gets you in the front door.
In other words, I not-so-secretly wish I were important enough to have a ‘real’ opinion on this. And if I were, I’d want to be able to state it as eloquently as you just did. Instead, I’ll just sit here, read all of these comments and thoughts and ideas, and suck on some sour grapes.
Nice post.
That is exactly why I keep my parenting blog seperate from my review blog. Which isn’t necessarily a review blog as a things I love blog with a few giveaways thrown in. But that’s the point. My readers don’t have to see that stuff on the blog of mine they follow. If they want they can go over there and check it out but I don’t want to shove it in their face.
This would’ve been a lot funnier if you gave something away.
Oh TC, your comment is most upsetting to me. You think what you do is of no value because no one is offering you products to review?
Read Blog Antagonist who I linked above. She doesn’t have a spot of advertising on her blog and yet she writes beautifully, diligently, every day. To her readers, she matters. And that’s enough.
Well said. VERY well said.
Great (and funny!) post. I just wrote a huge and self-centered comment about why I blog what I blog, but then erased it because it doesn’t matter.
I like your writing. Wouldn’t matter to me if you were writing about cartoons or free products or the weather. Good writing will always win out.
I’ve been avoiding this whole brouhaha because it made me feel really uncomfortable. It felt like the momosphere was turning on itself, trying to say who was …more genuine? More worthy of being here? I’m not sure. But I didn’t like it. Your post is the first one I’ve seen that actually makes sense to me, that makes me want to chime in. We’re all here for different reasons, and the worst thing we could do is alienate each other. Group hug?
Selfish Mom, it always matters.
I think this is a wonderful post, but I must admit I understand TC’s point so well. I once felt like I had promise (as I often feel when something is new). I felt I had something to say to people and was excited to start a dialogue. But then it was only one sided. I could muster no dialogue. Still I stayed, and will continue to stay because ultimately it’s not for me I write. It’s not for the collective you, either. It’s for them, my children.
I don’t know how many times I have to remind myself of that …
For me stats are as bad as shills.
Sigh… I feel the pain. Just tonight I was puttering in my kitchen and thinking that I want to get rid of my site meter and my google analytics and my feed burner counter and forget all the dang stats and stay off twitter so I can’t see all the pathetic yammering for free stuff and just write and answer comments. Like I used to. Back in 2006.
I enjoy the free stuff and the recognition. I do. But I hate what it’s done to us.
this is such a fantastically well written blog entry, and an important one. it’s one of the rare ones that oughta be sent all over the ‘net across Facebook and Twitter and wherever “people like us” tend to congregate.
from a standpoint of where we are and who we are and what we are doing, this is one of the most important entries i’ve seen in any blog.
WORD. This suspicion about compensation is one of the reasons I love bloggers who try to be impartial about reviews and disclose any perks.
To me, it’s part of the larger conversation on whether bloggers should try to loosely adhere to journalistic ethical standards, such as disclosing any perks you receive from a review, refusing gifts that could compromise your impartiality or even the appearance of impartiality, etc.
I’m not saying all bloggers should do those things, but It just seems that those ethical standards aren’t arbitrary–they evolved to where they are because newspapers found that that adhering to them was the only way they could be trustworthy to readers.
Just some food for thought from a journalist/parenting blogger. (nom nom nom)
I’ve been blogging since 2004 and have managed to avoid getting a lot of offers for free stuff. Even though my email <>is right there on the top of my blog.<>What am I doing wrong? Conversely, what am I doing right?
I’m not sure, but I’d say there are a lot of us out there on the sidelines, pretty much just blogging for each other. And that’s fine.
Well, I’m just a wee blogger, and while free stuff sounds nice, it isn’t why I do it. For some people, that is fine, but it isn’t for me. However, I do sort of hate that someone might think if I mention a favorite brand, or someone I dealt with, that I was paid to do it. If you get paid, disclose. True, I have a review blog should someone actually offer to give me something to review, but I doubt it will get used.
However, the one thing I hate is mommyblogger as a term, let alone a field for a war. Seeing as these days I write just as much about exercise and the size of my ass as I do about my kid. Dude, I’m a writer. Not even blogger. I write, horribly. (sort of)
I have always loved reading your blog. I have been blogging since 2007, when my first born was 18 months old. I love to write. I love to write about my kids. I love to read other people’s blogs, yes, mostly ‘mom’ blogs. I respect so many bloggers. I feel a great connection; it’s a great network. Comments make me happy; I love hearing that I’m not alone. There are the ‘Gods’ of mommy bloggers (sorry if you hate the term!) like you, and Girls Gone Child, etc. – and dozens more that I truly love – I read for content. For a story I can relate to. To see other cute kids and say ‘awww!’ I just a mom who loves to write. And loves her kids even more.
I don’t even have my email address anywhere on my blog. I’m not interested in reviewing products; sure I enter a few giveaways now and then but only if it’s something I’d love to win. I think things are moving at a really fast pace and those who truly love to write will continue to blog. Those who don’t will just get bored. I have only had the most excellent experience blogging, from comments I receive, to support, etc. – only once was I told to stop commenting on someone’s blog because they felt like I was trying to get people to read my blog. It was completely absurd and clearly I don’t visit that blog anymore. Aside from that – so many great people I’ve met! It’s a great world. And YOU are an EXCELLENT writer.
And clearly I need a grammar lesson tonight. Eek- sorry for all the typos!
This is probably the best explanation of this issue I have read. But I have to say, I still believe that people should be able to write what they want to write. This is the internet. The most public of all public spaces. Not owned by anyone or governed by anyone. Should it be? Maybe. But who gets that job? Who gets to decide? And those PR people who disparage bloggers are pushy will be gone before we are. It’s the nature of the industry. I know, because I used to be one of them, and i never worked at any agency for more than 3 years. And I was the rule, not the exception. They move on to another agency and the next hot thing and will get out of sandbox soon enough. Remember when MySpace was the shit and going to revolutionize how companies marketed online? And those of us who are in this not for the marketing but for the community or the writing outlet or whatever your personal reason it, will still be here. This too shall pass…
Loukia, I always look forward to your comments here, typos and all. That other blogger can shove it.
YES. YES.
And YES to your olde fashioned post about writing vs community from ought-six, too. I’ve been trying to be diplomatic about all this and I know I’m not the boss of anyone and would certainly never try to tell anyone how or why to blog. But when it comes down to it, while I care about transparency and disclosure and ethics, I care just as much about the writing. More, maybe.
While the community is great, I won’t read badly written blogs. It’s even worse when it’s badly written AND obviously shilling a product. I dunno. Maybe that makes me a blogsnob.
And I honestly don’t care who accepts which products and why, as long as their first obligation is to their reader (i.e. write something I actually want to read–you know, that doesn’t sound like a commercial?–and don’t lie to me, and I’m totally with you). But even as I watch my print outlets dry up and start wondering how I’m going to make a living as a writer in this brave new world, I simply cannot imagine throwing myself in front of PR folk and begging for stuff. If that’s what it comes to, I’m going back to waitressing.
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