For some reason I’ve found myself surrounded by pregnant women recently. Not young nubile first-timers either, but women my age. Give or take a few white lies.
There’s the mom of two who’s sheepishly asking me if I’d ever consider a third, the telltale sign–if I’ve ever heard it–that she’s already carrying one of them there fertilized eggs around with her. There’s the mom with the size 0 body and the teeny baby bump who keeps complaining about howwww faaaat she is. And there’s the friend who’s stuck on bedrest so I bring over the kids and some chocolate once a week and we order in dinner.
What I’ve come to realize in recent weeks is that I do not miss being pregnant one single bit. Not a smidge. Not even a teeny little fraction of a microbe of an iota, if there is such a thing.
Spending time with these women, these beautiful, glowing paeans to fertility, it reminds me of those things about pregnancy I do not miss – little hairs that cropped up in mysterious places, the nipples the size of pancakes, the inability to order spicy tuna rolls. I forgot about how the humidity seemed to affect my ankles more than my hair (which is saying something). I forgot that I was supposed to feel guilty every time I ate brie. I forgot about the sleepless nights, the hormonal fluctuations that lead to the Random Bursts of Crying. I forgot that abject look of horror on my face the first time I spotted myself in our lobby’s full-length mirror and realized that my ass was sticking out even further than my belly.
I was definitely not a good pregnant person. And oh, bless you women who are because I know there are more of your kind than there are of mine. Bless you bless you.
Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there were lovely, lovely aspects of those 40 weeks that I wouldn’t have traded for all the Twix bars in the world – the generous smiles from strangers on the street, the first fluttery baby kicks, the joy of never having to suck in your stomach at a party. But while some women just wear their pregnancy like a bespoke red carpet ensemble from Milan, me, I mostly felt like a big, fat, teetotaling incubator.
But today, the further I get from those days, the fuzzier it all seems. Like some evil hazing ritual I had to endure to get to the joy on the other side.
(And by joy I mean joy plus being kicked in the head all night by a crazy non-sleeping two year-old. )
I can safely say that the ovaries have waved the white flag and the fallopian tubes are well into enjoying their retirement, despite depleted 401(k)s and the iffy June weather. You could waterboard my uterus and it would still refuse to go back to its intended biological use. Mostly I think it’s just happy to hang out and support my bladder. Maybe catch up on reality TV.
There are twinges you feel when you get to a certain age (ahem) and realize that soon, it won’t be your own choice to have another child; it will be up to your body.
It’s nice being okay with that.
65 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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A to the men! I always say I'm excellent at giving birth at babies and horrible at carrying them. I HATED being pregnant, and still can't believe it when women say how much they loved it!
Giving birth AT babies?
Uhh. You know what I meant.
Amen. I am done, and I am happy I am done.
I also did not do pregnancy well but O, did I want to be one who did.
I am not to that point yet. I know I am not done. God I hope I'm not done. Anyway, I think it's good to know that you are. Better than questioning it back and forth all the time.
Although the heartburn, I know I could do without that ever again.
Yeah, I sucked at being pregnant. I don't miss it one bit, and seeing myself pregnant in a picture recently freaked me out (I wrote about it). And yet, part of me still wants to do it all over again.
Maybe your uterus can knock some sense into mine?
Oh my gosh, ME TOO. Four of my close friends are either pregnant or home with newborns, and I'm 40! I must admit to loving and missing pregnancy, but I am totally over the whole BABY thing. It's just starting to get good around here now that my kids are 8 and 10!
Awesome that you are in a happy and resolved place with it! Unfortunately for me, I was one of those annoying cruise-through-pregnancy-happily-morning-sicknessfree-swam-laps-to-42(yes 42)-weeks pregnant people.
I'd like to have another kiddo but the universe appears to have other plans – and I'm working on being OK with that because it probably is a sign that if I *did* get preggers it would be nothing like the first time and I'd be screwed!
-Christine
A woman with tied tubes and whose husband had a vasectomy came into the store the other day and told me that she was pregnant. Complete flukey-fluke.
I almost fainted.
Love my children. I was actually good at being pregnant. I adore other pregnant women and can't get enough of their pregnancy talk.
But later that evening, I lit a smudge stick and waved it between my legs, chanting “this house is clean, this house is clean” like the lady from Poltergeist.
Thank you for that tip Jozet. I'm going to add “sage brush” to the list of contraceptive options.
You're welcome.
I figure if tubal ligation + vasectomy isn't enough, then it's time to appeal additionally to all higher (and lower) powers.
Hallelujah, sister. I've actually got it on my “blog to-do list” to do a post about this same thing, but now you've kind of covered it so maybe I won't, I'll just go back to bitching about my crazy preggo friends, my son's preschool, and the clothes at American Apparel. Oh, and not cooking.
I actually LOVED being pregnant that one time (at band camp) and I even loved my maternity clothes (which were so cute they are on round 3 of hand me downs to others), but the second time, I've noticed, is not so wonderful. No daydreaming, no watching marathons of “Baby Story,” no thing, just absorbing the pregnancy into your regular mom-of-a-preschooler routine. No one cuts you slack, least of all your current kid. It looks bogus to me. Phooey.
Except, ouch, those new babies my friends are popping out are making my oooovaries hurrrrrt.
Yeah … I know a person who experienced one of those fluke-y flukes Jozet described. Said “The vasectomy grew back, whoknew?”
Now she's 50 with a four-year-old.
I was not good at being pregnant, and I am still considering another one! The Random Bursts of Crying. Oh, man. Am I really ready for that? Is my husband???
We are not done yet. I was HORRIBLE at being pregnant. Bedrested at 30 weeks and early birth of Baby DIVA. Yes we are on crack to want to try again. But hey I love the motherhood and pregnancy is the wya to get there.
Hubbs-to-be however said he will be renting him and Baby DIVA an apartment of their own while I am preggo again!!
Haha! A few weeks ago, a friend asked me at a party, “Don't you miss being pregnant now?” I blinked. “No.” Someone commented, “There was no hesitation at all in that answer, no sirree!” No sirree, none at all. I'm glad I was pregnant because it made my daughter possible, but miss it? Nope, none, nada.
I am a huge hypochondriac, but when I was pregnant, I was perfectly healthy.
Although had I known about the chocolate, I definitely would have tried bedrest.
ohhhhhh I love being pregnant but I am so done having babies…. my solution….I became a surrogate mother. I am going to have an embryo transfer in august for my 4th surrogacy. I know…I am weird LOL
I'm okay with it too. I didn't hate my last pregnancy, but as soon as the baby was born I said that was it, never again. At my postpartum appointment I told my doc “I need something 100% effective”. She laughed. I was like, no, I'm serious – this cannot happen again.
haha -I actually wrote about this topic on my blog yesterday! I am certainly in the minority on these comments bceause i did enjoy being pregnant. Expecially the first two times. The third time there was quite a bit more discomfort as things surrendered to the stretching in a way they hadn't previously. And while I can't say I miss the last three months, when you are just so huge and cumbersome that everything is miserable, I do miss being special and everyone telling you how great you look even when you are a hot mess. Which of course is probably why I'm considering having more even though that will put me close to insane levels of children
As someone who is currently pregnant, I can tell you I, too, don't “do” this pregnancy thing very well. I had pre-eclampsia the first time, now I run the risk of having a 10 pound baby (and it's not even due to gestational).
But since I found I'm having another boy, I might be willing to try one more time for that daughter I always wanted. You know, depending if I my nether regions can ever recover from birthing the Monster Baby.
I wasn't a fan of pregnancy either, except for the fact that no one ever questioned me if I ate the whole tub of ice cream in one sitting.
I am not a fan of being pregnant — and I say this at 38 weeks and counting until Monday when I get to end this third and final pregnancy.
And it is most definitely my last pregnancy… I made an appointment just yesterday for my husband with our GP to discuss getting the big snip. heh heh
I was not a “good” pregnant person either despite having the easiest pregnancy imaginable. I feel guilty when I say that to friends who LOVED every swollen minute of it or to friends who had difficult pregnancies. I suppose I shouldn't feel bad about it–it's only the truth!
By the way, you made my year when you commented on my blog. You are my blog idol!
If you're EVER in the Austin area, lemme know. I'll introduce you to the Tap Room–my treat–as long as you promise to refrain from making ridiculous statements about not being skinny enough or blonde enough. You're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!
Ok, I'm done. Carry on.
I suck at being pregnant. I hate being pregnant. My body hates me being pregnant.
The stick turns pink and I turn diabetic. I lose weight pregnant because I practically become a bulemic (not willingly)
I plan on doing it once more, but then bring on the sodering iron or whatever it is they do to take the ovaries out of business…and the vans deferens too, while we're at it.
Great post. I never doubted for a second that I was done after my son was born, but my husband had other ideas. After a miscarriage that left me feeling more relieved than devistated (no flame mail for that please) I knew for sure I was done. Totally done. Really very totally done.
And then I turned 40 and thought, I am done, right? Right. I wouldn't/couldn't go back to pregnancy and babies at this point of my life, but you make a point about your body telling you that it IS in fact the boss of you and the choice has already been made.
And don't give me any of that “plenty of women your age…” BS–my ovaries are right next to yours sharing those white flags. Metaphorically of course. Literally would be totally gross.
Ha! I was that pregnant lady as well (with both kids). Swollen everywhere (especially ankles and that awful pregnancy fat face–I think my nose doubled in size)..
Maybe if I had these “perfect” pregnancies that some talk about I'd have five more. Maybe it's natures way of controlling the population.
Love the “nipples the size of pancakes” analogy
I hear you, sister! I had my one and only at 42 and, although I would love for him to have a sibling, I don't want to be pregnant again. I actually had a great pregnancy, but the birth experience was HORRID! (A combination of my body's inability to follow-through and a doctor who really let me down.)I agonize about whether to adopt or be satisfied with our “party of three”. My husband just helped me make the final decision this past weekend – we are complete. I'm OK with that, even if seeing newborns makes my ovaries hurt too!
You know, I really don't believe there actually are more women who are good at being pregnant than those who aren't. I think most of the women I knew were really not that gloriously happy or glowing or lovely. Happy to be having a baby, but not happy to be preggo, ya know? And I was definitely DEFINITELY a walking birth control ad when I was pregnant!
i have been battling baby lust for over a year now. my youngest is nearly two. it gets easier, right?? i would LOVE to have another baby (and pregnancy wasn't *too* bad, though i do NOT miss constipation) but three is enough for us. really. so, i'm just waiting for the baby lust to wear off…
I loved being pregnant until I got REALLY pregnant. And the thought of that last trimester, together with my AGE and the fact that I am blissfully happy with the two I have, make me glad I won't be pregnant again.
I was good at being pregnant. It's this parenting thing that I'm not so good at.
It was fun reading this while I'm pregnant! HA! The nipple thing totally cracked me up. But this post also reminded me to cherish what is MOST likely my last pregnancy and thanks for that…
I love love LOVE babies, especially newborns. However, I am a TERRIBLE pregnant person. My body HATES me being pregnant and has reminded me of that with four miscarriages, along with 2 extremely difficult pregnancies. If I could just snap my fingers and make a baby appear on my doorstep, I'd probably have six. Oh, wait, maybe not, since my husband would have run for the hills. BUt truly, I will admit to feeling more than a litte annoyed and yes, bitter, towards the ladies that sail through pregnancy without a problem.
I am ALMOST to the place where I can say that I'm done with having babies, and actually mean it. BUt I have long been at the place where I can say that being pregnant sucks.
I'm one of those that loved being pregnant (except when I hated it), and I'm hoping for a third. A fourth, even. But, at the same time, if it was just my two boys, I'd be okay with that too.
I'm so done with pregnancy. Happy with two and feeling no need to go back for another round of nausea and watermelon cravings.
Even if the cute baby toes are getting bigger around here.
It's very nice indeed. I would have liked more than one, but it didn't happen. And I'm OK with that now.
I enjoyed small moments of being pregnant…like those first kicks…but not so much the foot in my ribcage, and the indigestion, and the braxton hicks when I was trying to walk for health…
When I was 16, I worked at the local Mr. Steak, and the boss's wife was the lead hostess, and she was pregnant, and she made it look GLORIOUS. She was beautiful to begin with, but pregnant? She glowed. She beamed. She was an amazing force of female nature.
I honestly don't know how we didn't all end up pregnant, just watching her.
I was so bad at being pregnant that my mom actually apologized to my husband. I believe the exact quote went something like…”I'm sorry my daughter is such a b****, when she is pregnant.” Apparently I snap out of it as soon as it's over. I guess that's why I think about a third.
I am “Oone of you”. I did NOT enjoy pregnancy. I had an easy one but boy oh boy was I ready to be done!
Okay, then… in this group I am officially crazy.
I didn't mind so much being pregnant. It was great to have a non-critical audience when I sang out loud to the car radio.
Once they come out… that doesn't happen so much. (My kids are the dreaded outspoken/honest combo. Killer reviews every time!)
Moi aussi…though I was told that I was “so pretty when pregnant that I should be that way all the time”. Um…yeah. I'd rather invest some money in some good makeup so I can have a “faux glow”, thanks.
I loved being pregnant both times. I have not loved the past 10 months of sleepless nights (this must end soon, right?). Despite the joy I feel at being done with some of the hard things of babyhood, there is still a little, irrational part of me planning for just one more.
Oh gawd thank you for this…I love my children but the whole pregnancy thing (for me) is for the birds…I mean, it's not like I didn't just love have cankles so large that there was no visible sign of foot or ankle bones and the skin was stretched so tight that the folds at the ankle hurt and all. Or that I was pregnant in the summer where wearing flip-flops was necessary and I'm sure I scared a few people with who thought I was a long lost relative of the elephant man. No, that was great and all…really. Bless the women who have the glow and love the experience…more power to them but after having 3 pregnancies and 2 kidlets over the course of a 4 year period of basically being some form of pregnant the whole time, let's just say, I.AM.DONE.
Nope, couldn't pay me either. Not for all the Taco Bell and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the world. Because with me, all those tasty treats came right back up eventually, if you catch my meaning.
“you could waterboard my uterus”
Best. line. ever.
Yes! I'm still planning on having another someday, but can't believe how most moms tend to gloss over the bad and focus on the “it's so worth it.” Well yes, it is obviously worth it, but we shouldn't downplay misery that we've endured! If our husbands had birthed the babies we'd hear about it ad nauseam.
I didn't mind being pregnant, but I'm not so into the baby thing. Give me someone else's newborn to cuddle and 15 minutes later I'm happy to give him back.
I can't wait until BOTH of my kids are in preschool/elementary school!
I am definitely done having kids. But every once in awhile, I get that twinge – I want another baby. Even though I don't.
And I'm the crankiest pregnant lady you've ever seen.
I can totally relate to the unexpected glimpse in the full length mirror! I have a little rule at my house: during pregnancy, all mirrors must only reflect my image from Boobs and Up, to borrow the phrase from my sister. (It's the instruction she gives to her husband whenever he takes her picture. “Boobs and Up, honey! There you go.”)
I think pregnancy is like everything else: some like it, others don't.
I really expected to HATE pregnancy. My mother and all of my aunts and cousins all despised pregnancy, so I just thought everyone hated it. Imagine my surprise to find out that I love it, adore it, would probably have two dozen kids if my husband didn't put an end to the madness lol. Okay, not two dozen, but you know what I mean.
That said, my body sucks donkey balls at digesting properly. So I guess it evens out. Some people can digest brie and do not like pregnancy. Other people love pregnancy but know that brie would make their intestines strike and lobby Congress.
Boy Crazy
who's to say that I didn't need a full length mirror to see my boobs?
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