Eh, Facebook is pretty much useless if you can’t track down old boyfriends from 20 years ago and say yo. Which is pretty much what I did when I tracked down the old boyfriend from 20 years ago and said yo.
It was an intense enough college relationship – we dated, we moved in together, we bought ugly furniture together, we endured his father’s sad and sudden death together. When he wasn’t a college student he was a musician with some local notoriety, and I spent countless nights nursing illegally procured White Russians in seedy Boston clubs while watching him materfully work the Zildjians, biding time until 3AM when he’d receive his $45 and I’d have the honor of helping him load his drum kit into his Isuzu Trooper. In return, he spent holidays being polite to my conservative relatives who garnered from his black hair and studded leather jacket that he would be stealing the silverware any minute now.
We never talked about marriage but we did joke that our kids would have great legs. We really did love each other. For a while. But we were young.
About three years into things and one unromantic trip to Italy later I had the sense it had all run its course. I remember crying progressively more than not each night, sneaking cigarettes on our cold terrace in the light of Fenway Park while he returned from shows later and later. It wasn’t the life I wanted. I was on the yuppie track. I had even traded in the black hair and (eek) tail for a poofy 90s bob. Maybe the hair knows what the heart does not?
I landed back in New York after graduation and it didn’t take long to accept that I had outgrown the relationship. Or perhaps we’d outgrown each other. And that was pretty much it.
God, that was a long time ago. A lifetime ago.
After my initial “yo” on Facebook, he told me in a couple paragraphs what he had been up to (wife of 18 years – the one he started dating after we broke up – new baby, new house in a new state) and I told him what I’d been up to (cat juggling, stint with the WWF traveling show). No reminiscing. No Hey, remember that time your band opened for Lena Lovich in Providence? No Hey, remember how your mom still bought you underwear? No Hey, remember how you used to want to spend Valentine’s Day rehearsing with the band and it made me feel like crap for three years? It was fairly perfunctory.
So you can imagine my surprise to receive a curt response from him that it was nice to catch up but that his wife is uncomfortable with us having reconnected and he has to respect her wishes, the end, good bye, best of luck, see you later sucka.
I found myself promptly unfriended.
Unfriended!
It was probably a wise decision on his part. Because I am just that threatening, me with my saggy boobs and two kids and happy relationship. Really, I don’t consider it a satisfying day until I’ve destroyed a marriage. I’m just that kind of a woman. Bonus points if they’ve got a cute four month-old at home and the wife is feeling flabby and insecure.
I live my life with one pinky toe in the past. I’m unapologetically nostalgic. I have some friends going back to infancy, and because I hate burning bridges, I am at least in occasional contact with the majority of guys I’ve dated. I’m not sure what I get from it exactly; sometimes it’s a yardstick, a way of checking in on my own growth and seeing how far I’ve come. Sometimes it’s more like a journey into a mental scrapbook, a brief visit with the past to jar good memories or funny stories, or help scrounge up some writing inspiration. Sometimes I think I just want them to tell me I turned out okay.
I did have a tail back then.
76 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
I think it depends on the ex. If it was a very serious relationship where you loved each other very much, I would think it is better to leave it alone. I can understand why the wife would be threatened if she knows her husband was truly in love with you, because if you really love someone, do you ever really fall out of love? If Facebook or these other networks weren't around, would you call him up on the phone after 20 years to check-in? I'm sure you're as happy and stable in your marriage as you say–but what if your ex and his wife aren't? Pretty deep stuff, eh?
Mom 101 fb comment
Okay, I had a brilliant comment that didn't take grrrr!!!!
Long story short, I can see the point of his wife if HE still has unresolved feelings for you. This sorta happened with me, in reverse.
My HS ex found me on FB through mutual friends and e:mailed me (without friending); we exchanged pleasantries, caught up after over 20 yrs. (We had a typical teen/20s rollercoaster relationship which I finally ended – but it wasn't mutual. I wanted out; he proposed.)
But then his e:mails got a bit overly complimentary (my husband thought they were nice, but I didn't think my ex's wife would appreciate them)… and then he sent me a late message on Christmas EVE, when I thought he should be with his wife and not e:mailing an ex. And then he wanted to friend me.
I thought it sorta creepy, so I ignored him. Don't wanna go through that whole weirdness with him again, once was enough!
I have no problems with exes as friends (my hubs and his first serious girlfriend still get together for lunch every so often and I like her and her family a lot). But FB can complicate life a bit sometimes, in my case anyway!
Oh my, FB doesn't want to let the past be past, does it? It's so tangled dealing with ex-s, even more so than pre-internet when one could avoid each other more easily.
One semi-ex contacts me *only* when both he and his wife are feeling secure. So he won't respond to a hi-how-are-you-these-days email, but *years* later, he'll send you a very cheery Christmas letter all about their wonderful life. He sent me a FB invite (also apologizing for not writing back years ago-ha, yeah), and I am *still* debating whether it's a good idea. Part of me doesn't want to get dragged into the cycle again, and part of me thinks, eh, it's just my extended community.
I've friended a couple of ex-s on FB, but only those who I still tolerate after both sides have moved far beyond the past. I have an invisible line that we don't cross – no talking about the emotional past, no flirtation. I have a few other ex-s that I'd never *talk* to, much less befriend on FB. And a few ex-friends as well.
On the other side of it, a college friend who had a crush on me contacted me a few years back… we even got together with spouses once, me thinking we could keep it light and non-threatening. This guy is really tone deaf, though; his wife clearly does not like it, and he contacts me anyway. So I've deliberately let our correspondence slide.
It's made me realize that although my husband tolerates some contacts, he's not crazy about it either. He would never tell me to *not* keep in touch with someone, but I think it hurts him sometimes. So I am leery of accidentally doing damage. If nothing else, I share any ambivalence about contacts with ex-s with my husband because I don't like anything hidden between us. I think it would be more damaging to hide a contact. I am all for being upfront about ones feelings with ones spouse and protecting the primary relationship, even someone else's. I try to remember that when someone avoids me to protect their spouse. It is incredibly annoying when they make a huge deal about it, though!
I suppose another option of the Mrs. of your Ex would have been to make lots of cozy “aren't we happy, my pumpkin” comments on his FB page, so you'd see them in your updates. If she's got to put a stake in the ground.
I've friended some exes on FB and other media, and so has my beau and we're both very cool about it. I suppose that's what trust is about. Still, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there's a wee little part of me that cringes ever so slightly at the sight of one their names. I get over it in a second. But it still happens.
@Life as I Know It: Do we ever really fall out of love? HELL yeah. I'm not sure how old you are, but a lot can happen in 20 years. Life is not generally like The Notebook.
@She Likes Purple: I think I love you.
Yeah, I totally see you as a predatory homewrecker. (not!)
Heck, you're enough to scare any wife of 18 years! Smart, talented, beautiful, funny as hell! I'd tell him to unfriend you, too.
No way! No way! Man, that's crazy. I'm very nostalgic too. I like to stay in touch with ex-boyfriends too. Because these are guys I once loved and I like to know they're ok and I'm ok and we're happy leading our separate lives.
How old am I? Ouch! I guess that means I should burn all five (give or take) of my copies of The Notebook
, which is apparently my age demographic's bible? All I was getting at is that not all women are as secure in themselves, their partner or their relationship as women as obviously grounded as yourself. His loss.
Not every affair that breaks up a marriage starts out because untrustworthy people are out there looking to cheat on their spouses and stalking FB for cybersex.
Yes, some affairs are between terrible people who don't take their vows seriously.
But some start with friendships, whether online or in real life, that were perfectly innocent.
And no, I am not saying FB or other social media by themselves cause infidelity. Spouses can cheat at work or in a real life social setting too, I know that.
Here is what is different about online social media: It fosters emotional intimacy, but at a supposedly safe distance. Mom101 probably would never have searched out this old flame, and called him every night at his home to share details of your daily life. Too weird, right?
But how easy was it to find each other online? And stay connected. And maybe not now, probably not ever, but that link is there. When his marriage has problems (and what marriage doesn't), there is an old (girl)friend whom he has a history with, who understands him, who makes no demands on him, so easy to talk to, right on his FB page.
And he can reach out to that person right from home. Or from work. Mrs. doesn't know who he is talking to or for how long, or about what. It is a hidden relationship, despite the semi-public nature of the medium.
If he “worked long hours at the office”, or had to go out every night to hang with the guys, there is a chance his wife would notice there was a problem. But online? Hey, I'm only on FB, what's the issue? Why should you care that I have friended an old girlfriend, honey? Look at the reactions in these comments, ridiculing the wife and the ex for taking the precaution of removing this possible temptation.
To me, this is kind of like gun control. I believe that the fewer guns out there in my world, the lower the odds that someone I care about will be hurt with one.
Others will argue that you only need to keep guns away from irresponsible people or people with bad intentions. The rest of us are all trustworthy and responsible, and we should not have to lose our right to bear arms just because a few bad people will abuse them.
For the ex and his wife, for whatever reason they may have, his connection to old girlfriends on FB is a potential gun.
This is not about Mom101 at all. It is about them keeping their marriage safe. I applaud her for feeling SECURE enough about her husband to make the request, and know he would not ridicule her for it. And I applaud him for honoring her request.
The ex and his wife are just keeping their world safe, and we should all respect that. What is the loss of a casual FB relationship, which would have run its course anyway, compared to preserving a marriage?
(And no, I am not saying Mom101 would have wrecked the marriage)
On some level I respect him for telling you what was going on before he un-friended you and on another I think he's lame for blaming his wife (which I do not believe for a minute) for his not wanting to be connected to you. Clearly he hasn't moved into a place where he is comfortable communicating with his you. Sad for him.
For years I wanted nothing to do with my past. High school, college? They were thorns in the sides of my memories. But my husband? He donates money to every school he has ever attended. He drags me to reunions. He considers everyone he has ever slept with to be a friend. Really all pretty admirable stuff. So two years ago he dragged me to my 20th high school reunion. It was the first communication I'd had with most of the people there since graduation. And you know what? It was nice. I didn't feel all the insecurity or embarrassment that I had been avoiding for 20 years. Why didn't I confront this sooner I wondered? It was liberating. To realize that I had moved on and so had (just about) everyone there.
Enter FB. It feels like the red thread that connects my past to my present — the yard stick by which I measure my growth. And you know what? There's been quite a lot of growth and thank heavens for that. Old boyfriends? Bring 'em on.
so weird…i recently wrote a very similar post on my own blog (maybe even the same day as yours). gotta love nostalgia.
Jomama: See, I feel this is taking the responsibility off of one another and putting the blame on social media or the Internet or “the loaded gun.” Sure, these days it's “easy” to check in on old loves but the relationship ended for a reason. If it didn't work back when there was daily, physical contact then let's not give Facebook the credit for it working today. I think the bottom line is, if you're happy in your partnership TODAY, it doesn't matter if a train of super models comes through your living room each night; you and your partner know that what may seem fleetingly appeaing isn't worth breaking up a marriage, a family, a life. And if there were holes in the foundation ANYWAY it doesn't matter if there is Facebook or MySpace or a high school reunion, the partner is going to find a way to betray (whether with his secretary or with the girl down the street or with his ex-girlfriend from a million years ago). I have fond memories/feelings from my high school boyfriend, and, SURE, I'd love to see how he is, how he's doing, how all the pieces fell into place for him, but would my husband have something to worry about if he were to come back into my life? God, I hope not. Because if SO, that means all that I have been building with my husband for the last six years wasn't very sturdy to begin with. It was capable of being knocked over with one person walking back into the picture. And I don't think that says anything about how I feel about my ex but how I feel about my husband.
Also, I gotta say, if my husband spent hours upon hours on Facebook, it would be the same red flag as if he were spending days upon days working late. When you check out of home and check into anything else (work, friends, hobbies, what have you), a red flag goes up. If you are choosing ANYTHING over your family, there's a reason.
Clearly she was jealous of your hotness. That would be my story anyway.
So far, I am Facebook “friends” with SIX old boyfriends. When I found each one of them I had a little heart fluttering, checked out their pictures, had a whole “what if?…” thought process. Then the same thing happened with each of them. Within a week of “message” conversations, it suddenly flooded back to me why I had BROKEN UP WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! It was both disappointing and gratifying to realize that I had better judgment in my youth than I thought I'd had!
I'm sooo late on this, but just had to tell you that ypu might have given me the courage to blog about something I have been turning over in my mind for a while now.
Your posts always entertain, generally create an amazing dialogue, and inspire most of us.
I heart you.
Thank you. I am also 'facebook friends' with most of my exes. And happily married. How does that work? My first love and I talk often, but my 'future husband' of college days recently de-friended me. Ouch.
“Maybe the hair knows what the heart does not?” That could be the funniest sentence I have read in a long time. What a hoot.
I gotta side with the wife on this one though. Whats the point of renewing the friendship? Although he could have just let it go instead of blaming it on the wife.
I find it fascinating in this discussion to see how differently people can perceive the same situation based on their own circumstances. Some people understand the joy of saying hi, catching up then moving on. Some people see that as a (DAHN DAHN DAHHHHHHN) stepping stone to something more sinister.
I have two jobs, three animals, a guy I love, a blog to write, and two kids to myself six nights a week, and a rigorous reality TV watching schedule. Trust me, I'm not emailing ex-boyfriends every day.
I love that wifey felt threatened. Aside from the fact that he was obviously a sucky boyfriend, he must've said something in those 18 years of marriage, to hint to the fact that you are, as we all know, amazing. Any insecure person, unsure of the strength of their own marriage (and of herself) would be threatened, regardless of your lack of need or desire to venture into loserville. lol! Funny. No loss, but now you are reminded saggy boobs or not, some chicks shake at the sight of you. Whatevs. girl, that's what I would be thinking as I walk around with a big ol' “I'm the shit” smile on my face.
Also wanted to add, ex-girlfriends “friend” my hubby on FB all the time. I don't blame them. He's a nice guy. Who wouldn't want to be his friend? Sometimes it is what it is and nothing more.
Umm well, my ex looked me up after 20 yrs on FB…and, well, though we are both married, we had an affair. So sorry, ladies. I am not proud. Just putting a little perspective on this.
I made my husband friend his lesbian ex-wife and his straight ex-girlfriend on Facebook so I could snoop into their lives. Turns out the ex-wife was getting ready to publish a tell-all book featuring my husband and their marriage and the ex-girlfriend was getting married that next Saturday.
I do believe I got the information I wanted.
i would take it as a compliment. you are so hot that you are a threat.
Hmmm. I see She Likes Purple's point about the state of a relationship not being very strong if a Facebook connection can threaten it. I also think your ex made a bigger show of unfriending you than was probably necessary. (At least you got a thought-provoking blog post out of it!) But I tend to subscribe to Jomama's gun control analogy. Generally speaking, there is nothing wrong with someone creating a safe space for their marriage, because I do agree that social networking sites allow for reconnecting with people on an intimate level from a safe distance. People are inherently flawed, and there is a high divorce rate in this country for a reason. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” and all that.
My two serious ex-boyfriends are on Facebook, and I have purposely not friended them. It's not because I'm not madly in love with my husband or that I think Facebook is capable of breaking up my marriage. However, those relationships were very intense, and it took me a while before I could get out of them and move on with my life. As curious as I am to know how those guys are doing, I don't think I can open that can of worms without getting sucked into the past at least a little bit.
Just like e-mail, IM, and any other networking tool, Facebook is another medium through which people can make poor choices. I think it's possible to acknowledge that without assigning blame to social media as a whole.
Finally, random FYI: I'll be attending BlogHer Business and the general conference in Chicago later this month. Would love to say hi!
I followed you over here from Twitter and I was very impressed with your 77 comments, a goal that I am aspiring to achieve.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed your post about ex boyfriends. I also got in touch on FB with an ex who I dated when I was living the Aspen single life.
I was madly in love with he and his leather jacket when I met him http://www.isdisnormal.com/2009/04/02/remembering-all-of-my-ex-boyfriends/. The difference is that I was the one who had to email him and tell him that I could not continue our renewed friendship because I was feeling that I was not being true to my beloved husband. It was sooo difficult for me to stop our correspondence and I had withdrawal but in the end…I think it was a good thing.
Thanks for sharing, Jillian