It’s one of those mornings where I’m struggling to be a weekday mother and simultaneously struggling with being an urban dog owner.
You suburban people, with your ground level homes and fancy yards and ability to leave your kids in front of the TV for a minute while you pop out for a pee run, you don’t know how lucky you are. Me, I have to hustle both kids along with the dog (who’d be just as happy never walking anywhere) out the door, down the elevator, down a flight of stairs, to the corner, and back again. Only this time I decide I’ll grab a bag of groceries and an iced coffee while we’re out. Brilliant.
My multi-tasking plan nearly works until about 100 yards from our apartment when Sage decides this would be a perfect opportunity to start shrieking CARRYY MEEEEE!, a near physical impossibility. The shriek turns into a full-fledge meltdown and my only consolation is that it’s nearly 10 and I’m she’s not waking the whole neighborhood up.
I look around for a sympathetic neighbor who might take mercy and grab the dog’s leash for me or simply smile that kind “hang in there” smile that we parents have come to live for. Instead I pass a woman about my mother’s age, aerobicized, vaguely stylish, with spiky silver hair and IKEA tote in tow. Forget sympathy, she refuses to even make eye contact.
Thalia, Sage, Emily, Mr Iced Coffee and I somehow (God knows how) manage to make it back to the elevator where IKEA lady is also waiting. Sage whimpers, “pick me up”and before she can threaten to cry more loudly in the small elevator, I manage to hoist her up on one of those wide hips that come in handy these situations, if not in 5th Avenue dressing rooms.
I smile at the woman. “I guess this is one of those times a third arm would come in handy.”
No response.
We exit at our floor.
“Or one less child,” she sneered.
I wished I could have channeled the Etiquette Bitch. But instead, the door just closed and I stood there speechless.
[Junk Food Mr. Rude tee via 80stees.com]
83 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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I say we could do with one less cranky bitch, but that is just me.
Beee-yotch!You're going to be crafting come-backs in your head all day, aren't you?
Whadda beeetch! That's so horrible. Follow her home next time and tell us her address and we'll all leaving flaming bag of dog “mess” on her doorstep, mmmk?
Wow! unbelievable…
That person gives credence to way too many urban caricatures. What a jerk!
OMG. So tell me, did you come up with the perfect response…AFTER she was out of earshot? That's what I'd have done.
Just imagine how miserable she must be in all her perfection to say something so mean. For no real reason.
Then imagine it again. And smile.
Holy crap! Me thinks someone peed in that woman's Cheerios!
What the hell is in the water these days? This is the exact kind of thing we were talking about on Triangle Mamas yesterday – it was a Whole Foods employee who told a mom she should just shop at Super WalMart if her kids were going to behave “like that”. You mean, “like kids?”
The cuteness of your children probably just made her old shriveled ovaries ache and she lashed out.
One less child is the right advice. Her mom should have taken it.
O.M.G. — there are no words.
Dog walking with kids is the WORST. I say saddle up the pooch so he can carry the kids and train them to fetch you the coffee.
As for the bitch in the elevator, I think a “pee on command” seminar for the dog is called for.
@backpacking dad – ROTFLMAO
Are you shitting me??? Some days I just hate people…
Holy Fuck!
Did you not what floor she got off on? Can you go put a flaming dog poo on her “welcome” mat?
I'm too busy laughing at SoMo and Backpackingdad to come up with anything else.
OMFG I don't even know what to say! What a horrible, rude woman. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have lost my filter entirely… I involuntarily say whatever pops into my head. I definitely would have given her what-for.
She needs a punch in the neck.
Oh HELL no. I think the lack of assistance would have probably caused me to dump iced coffee on your bitch neighbor. Accidentally, of course.
Oh no she didn't!!
Awesome. Seriously, she was begging for a response.
Please write the imaginary next chapter of this when you slowly put up one hand to stop the elevator doors from closing and say…….
Wow. The rudeness of strangers is flabbergasting.
And she lives in your building? Karma will be a bitch.
Can't wait until you see her again.
Let me know if you need help burying the body. I'm in Brooklyn and have friends with a car…
That's where I would've smiled and said “Fuck You.”
What the fuck?! She really SAID THAT?!
I would have been speechless too!
Wow. I read this 10 minutes ago and I'm still speechless. I can't imagine what would be going on in someone's head that would allow them to say that. Holy shit.
I'm usually pretty good with the comebacks, but that would've left me speechless as well. Dang.
So babysitting is probably out of the question, huh.
My god, what a horrible, awful wench. I'm burning FOR YOU. Only consolation? Karma is going to kick her ass, without a doubt.
I would've screamed “BITCH!” at the closing elevator door and then had to explain what the word meant to my kids for the rest of the afternoon.
OMFG
My jaw literally dropped.
That's horrifying, even for New York. Does that bitch think she'll never see you around the building again?
(I always dreaded the elevator wail. Small confined space + piercing shriek = humiliation)
weird that the last etiquette bitch post was almost exactly a year ago. in late june/early july 2010, be on guard and make sure you have mace and emily post on some sort of batman-like tool belt. ever vigilant!
A relative of mine used to hiss “polluter” at people she thought had too many kids. She's not a happy person–don't know if it helps to know that woman is most likely a miserable bitch.
“I bet YOUR mom heard that a lot when YOU were little.”
Yep. It took me a few minutes to come up with that.
Oh no she did NOT suggest that one of those precious princesses was expendable (***said complete with hands on hips and head wiggle**) What a sad, sad human. I still want to beat her up though.
Wow! My jaw dropped as I read that. Can't wait to hear how the next encounter with the miserable old cow turns out!
Wow…. I can't imagine saying that…. wow!
I'm stunned by that woman. I would have been just as speechless.
Someone needs to shock that three-sizes-too-small heart in her chest to bring some warmth back into it.
And besides, does she think you'll never see her again?
How did you keep from digging some produce out of your bag and pelting her?
What an unbearable bitch!
Apartment + dog + small children = a slow unraveling of my sanity that landed us in one of those suburban homes with the fancy yards after I lost.my.mind. on my husband when he refused to do the morning pee run because it meant he had to get up five minutes earlier. Five minutes alone with the dog for him vs. 15-20 minutes in one of Dante's circles of hell for me…hmm. Now he commutes 1.5 hours each way, so I guess that means I won.
Hope your day improves.
wow.
The sad thing is, it's been 5 hours and I still haven't thought of a worthy comeback – at least one I could have used in front of my kids.
And certainly not one better than Backpacking Dad's.
Yes, SoMo and Backpacking Dad said it best, I think.
I would not have been able to come up with something kid-friendly in response, either. The bad part is I might not have been able to hold it in!!! I am proud of you. What a bitch!!
I've needed the Etiquette Bitch often lately…more to come on that soon, at a blog near you.
I want to step in, and sadly, my filter is not always working so I usually don't act fully reasonably in such a situation. And because I am sometimes a martyr and rather righteously indignant, I probably would have said “No, what I really need is to be surrounded by supportive, kind people who set a good example in front of my kids but instead I got you.”
OH HELL NO.
I'd have knee-capped her.
Seriously???? What a big “B”!!
My jaw actually dropped, Looney-Tunes-like, when I read that.
There's nothing to say to that, except, maybe, “That was a very rude thing to say,” which doesn't have the “fuck you” flavor I was going for.
Oh hellz no. Dam. I really wish I could smack her for you. With a freaking shoe.
Wow. I bet that woman's mother is so proud as to how her daughter turned out. *snort*
It's shocking that anyone could be that horrid. Cross your fingers that her neighbour has a colicky baby that's keeping her up at all hours.
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