I try not to rag on the bad pitches I get at Cool Mom Picks. Really I do. Although last night, I did have a grand old time dishing with the totally cool editors of The Giggle Guide about the Worst Product for Kids Ever.
(My vote: The disembodied hand in the crib. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.)
I know that most of these products, however misguided or patently horrible, are backed by a small entrepreneur who really believes in her idea, and I’m not going to be the jerk to burst her bubble and tell her that no, the parenting world is not waiting for a baby toupee or or an infant onesie that says Future Pole Dancer spelled out in CPSIA non-compliant rhinestones.
But this morning I couldn’t resist.
I was pitched a Dora The Explorer Fragrance.
I only wish I were kidding.
Because evidently, if there is one problem three year olds have, it’s that they just don’t smell like bergamot orange.
So I blurted out on Twitter that I think the next product in the series is Elmo Tampons.
I’m also imagining some great cross-merch ops with Pinky Dinky Doo feminine body spray, Backyardigans nipple cream, and Diego-brand pregnancy testers. (Oh, that Diego. He’s a wily one.)
What else is a terrible no good very bad idea? This is fun.
53 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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For me, it was those high heels for babies. But then, I rarely wear high heels, so what do I know?
Good thing, too, because I had to run down the street with a huge tenor sax case this morning. Thank God for sensible shoes.
Hmm…Spiderman condoms? Or maybe Batman – the Dark Knight and all that. How about Disney Princess breast pumps? Except Jasmine – she would so never be seen on a breast pump. She needs her own line of edible panties, maybe.
Too far?
Caillou suppositories. That kid always seemed constipated to me. And they could be shaped in his form. Just think about the shape of his head.
Why do I feel like I just gave some company a really bad idea?
Thongs for little girls are totally going too far, but I sadly believe they do exist already.
Dammit, that last one was from me. I need to kill that old I.D.
How creepy are those hands in the cradle?! Yikes–that should be at a Halloween novelty store, not Babies R Us!
Funny, funny post!
I'm envisioning Sponge Bob maxi pads. Can't you just see him staring up at you?
I totally just scared the shit out of our cat because Jennifer's “Disney Princess breast pumps” made me laugh so raucously.
Wonderpet Bras would be strange I think.
Backfartigans – sort of like Beano.
What do you think? I'm onto something, right?
Sadly, if this Dora cologne makes it to Wal-Mart, my stepmother will purchase a quart of it for my 4 year old.
But it's okay, because I will sprinkle it around the perimeter of my house to repel vermin.
yeah… toddlers and tiaras, anyone?
Spit coffee on monitor when reading the Sponge Bob maxi pads comment. Hoo…. Will they come in Pineapple scent?
We created a “zaky” our of magic bags heated gently, then laid against our son's back. Worked just as well! A lot of preemie moms I talked to said the Zaky is well intentioned, (and works!) but truly, eez jes a l'il creepy.
My worst product would be the footed onsesies that do up the back, not the front. Those can be the most frustrated %$#@* onesies to have on your baby in the middle of the night when you gotta change a diaper.
The first time I saw the Zaky I screamed. I sh*t you not.
Otherwise, has anyone suggested Barbie douche bags (literally, as in the feminine products)? -Christine
disney princess maxi pads?
Halter tops for toddlers usually piss me off, too.
WOW…I just realized the magnitude of my sleep deprivation with a 6 month old that wakes constantly when I looked at that hand and thought “Maybe?” Sadly, I would almost try anything at this point.
Spongebob Maxis! LOL
How about a Scooby Doo Breathalizer?
Or a Dora Diaphram? Con instructiones en espanol?
SpongeBob sponges! As in “spongeworthy”, not for cleaning your sink…
I … can't … stop … laughing, need one of those Sponge Bob sponges now.
Any of these things:
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2009/09/14/kitty-funny-weird-horrifying/
The fucking hand in the crib. my reaction was a weird fear/nausea/giggle combo. mixed with disbelief.
I envision some bubblegum pink Disney Princess-themed short shorts that have “Hit It Hard” emblazoned on the ass. For reals, yo. What mommy would refuse her precious progeny THAT?
If Dora's really an explorer, maybe she should come out with a home STD test.
(btw- What the hell does an explorer smell like anyway? B.O., patchouli, bug spray and deer doo.)
I am going to have nightmares about those hands.
creepy
Oh, another you must not have been pitched yet is the POLE DANCING DOLL. I swear I'm not trying to promote my blog here, but am only linking because it sounds so unbelievable: http://bit.ly/7r1zE
To extend the brand, they should develop a drunk Ken doll with a wad of twenty dollar bills.
Winnie-the-Pooh hemorrhoid cream?
The Wiggles lube?
The Zaky is creepy as heck! And I totally would have used that creepy disembodied zombie hand if it would have made my child sleep like a human being when he was a baby. The nightmares would have been a small price to pay.
(I would have sold my soul to the devil to make my kid sleep. But I would not have sold Dora perfume. To anyone.)
HOLY GOD.
FUNNNNNNNNNNY.
That is all.
What's next, the Hannah Montana singing pregnancy test?
@Abbyell – I'm with you! Mine is 6.5 (but was 2 months premature) and has slept like shit since we brought her home. I think I might try anything…
OMG I am still recovering from seeing the Zaky. I am so freaked out by that. And I am going to have to try to keep the existence of the Dora perfume from my girls because they will totally want it and I'm sorry but I REFUSE.
I hate shorts with phrases printed on the ass, but I double-hate them on little girls.
Has no one suggested My First Vibrator? Oh wait, I'm sure there's already a Hello Kitty one.
Yep, quick Google search confirms it:
http://www.kittyhell.com/2007/11/04/hello-kitty-vibrator-reborn/
i was going to mention the hello kitty vibrator, but someone beat me to it. actually, if you can dream it, hello kitty already has it. i used to think the little cat was cute, now it freaks me out.
How about some BRATZ Shapewear??
You know, with some padding in *all the right places.*
Or, Baby-Bumpits.
Elmo Tampons… that's like an oxymoron… I love Elmo please no..let's not spoil his innocence
- BM
The hand in the cradle thing is beyond freaky; I'd imagine kids having nightmares from it. As for the perfume, is it just me or does anyone else think Dora scent wouldn't exactly be appealing? She's a stinky little kid who runs around with a monkey…hmmm I think not.
This is disturbing. I struggled over the whole chapstick/lipgloss thing with my 4 year old. (Still do.) I just can't imagine perfume. No way. Spongebob maxi pads! Too funny!
Ni Hao Kai-Lan pasties with matching thong! That 'makes my heart feel super happy!'
ps- So glad I found your blog!
Hello Kitty Vibrator…..here pussy, pussy, pussy….
Read recently they have developed a dildo for Twilight fans. It's stone cold white, can be refrigerated for maximum effect and it sparkles when you take it out in the sun. Can you say dead dick?
btw – just found you, where have you been all my life? You are one creative, original blogging diva.
I'm thinking “Yo Gabba Gabba” douche.
Seems fitting…
Or, “Plan 'sponsored by the letter 'B'” Sesame Street emergency contraceptive?
Everything I typed and then deleted made me sick.
As my friend says, “Is the world worth saving?”
People crazy. Crazy people.
I just found you through MetroDad, and I LOVE it! While traveling in Asia I saw these nose clips that children wear to prevent the bridges of their noses from being flat.
No joke…it's like a child walking around with a clothespin clipped to the bridge of his/her nose.
How about Crabby Patty flavored condoms? HaHa
Amber
http://www.wildtochild.com
don't forget that the dora spray would replace having to bathe your children! isn't that a plus?
My favorite is the hooker heels for toddlers!
Let's not forget the slut BRAT dolls that are teaching our girls wonderful morale! hoochie shorts and boobies are the future!
I can't believe Barbie was given so mch crap! At least they have career barbie- which does not include the pole dancing version!
Let's face it- Some people of certain demographics encourage and allow hooker wear for their children! These children can often be recognized by their names- These are the people who will buy the perfume and high heels for infants!
my personal favorite is still Baby Bangs. Because bald babies are so 2006.
Would those elmo tampons be red?
Can't believe the product variety over there in the US, I have marveled at kid perfumes before, but Dora is clearly for an even younger market.
Shaking my head in disbelieve … I have to yet find something silly like that, targeted for boys, here in EU …
Those flannel hands are freaking me out.
KY PB&Jelly?
For some reason, this is making me think of the SNL fake suppository product that turns the sound of farts into speech–
Go ahead. Relax at that cocktail party:
” The french make such good wine!”
No need to wait for finger-pulling.
Impress everyone with your real Baby Einstein! Diaper inserts that translate the smell of poo into charming, intelligent small talk!
Great for moms, too!
hilarious! glad to see someone else thinks like me! i would not be surprised to see the Dora line extended to hair removal creams, deodorant and hairspray!
I have a story about the Dora fragrance that I now feel compelled to share.
Last Christmas I was at the mall when I noticed the small perfume kiosk had not 1 but 2 different Dora fragrances. Also Strawberry Shortcake and Barbie options. I stood there in gape-mouthed horror until the person manning the kiosk offered to help me, and then I ran away.
Back at home I told my husband about the perfume and asked him if he thought it was for preschoolers or ironic adults. My own preschooler overheard the exchange and demanded that we buy her Dora 'merfume' because she loves 'merfume' and by the way what is 'merfume' anyway? Which, I suppose, answered the question that it is indeed for preschoolers. I remain horrified and shocked. Seriously. My preschooler, on the other hand, continues to ask for the Dora 'merfume' at every opportunity. :/
A little late to the discussion here, but yesterday, I noticed at the grocery store we frequent these days (in Gaillac, France) there was Diego cologne (I wasn't looking for Dora). But, I just shrugged, and considered the culture I am living in. Colognes, perfumes, scents are everywhere, on everyone. To find an unscented cleaning or laundry product is very difficult, though not quite impossible. So, rather than be horrified, consider the context and the culture from whence it comes?
Also, did none of you ever receive (and wear?) those child-oriented perfumes from Avon as a young child, to be saved for special, dress-up-just-like-Mom occasions?? I know I did, and the end of the world wasn't upon us then, either.
(I also know plenty of 5 and 7 year olds that like Dora still, so, not only for three year olds…)
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