Dear Tiger Woods,
I don’t know how else to say this without betraying my entire gender, but it has to be said for the record, once and for all:
Women save shit.
A love note. An email. A stray hair in the bathtub. An EPT test. A junior prom corsage. A stained blue dress from the Gap. What makes you think a text message with something like, oh, say…. quietly and secretly we will always be together from a world famous multi-gazillionaire would be any different?
Whatever it is that you give us/write us/toss in the dumpster in the alley outside our house, we will stash away somewhere. Because we women? We’re insecure. We’re needy. We’re a little bit insane. And so we collect evidence that we are loved. Or if not loved, liked. Or if not liked, lusted after enough that a man would take the time out of his busy, busy PGA touring schedule to request that we forward a naked photos of our boobs.
I still have the very first emails that Nate ever sent me. They were these long, rambling, punctuation-free stabs at written flirtation that charmed my socks off. Maybe a little more. I’ve still got every one of them. Because one day, when Nate is signing 100 million-dollar contracts with Accenture for his world class ability to leave his underwear on the bathroom floor, or his unmistakable talent for changing the words to TV theme songs to include the word “fart” in every verse, I too will dig up those notes up and remind myself that he loved me when. If I can parlay them into a six-figure book deal too? Even better.
It’s not just a prerogative, it’s my genetic imperative as a woman to save that shit
Now you know. So the next time you–or any of your fellow men–decide to go cheating on your gorgeous pregnant wife with a half-dozen unpaid hookers with bad brow jobs, you can make some better choices.
So to speak.
61 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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I was going to leave a comment about this, but just in case… maybe not.
Pure GENIUS.
You have blown our “Making Memories” cover.
Totally.
you took the words out of every womans mouth!
We do. Even in tiny apartments with almost no storage space, we save shit. Because stories are great, but stories with evidence to back them up are far better.
no doubt. That man is punctuation adverse
As Mr. Adjunctmom likes to say, if adjunctmom doesn't have it, either her writing partner or her “officemate” will (as when I'm dealing with difficult stuff, they're the two people who make sure I'm not leaving my ass hanging out, so to speak).
Awesome.
And if we don't save it, we've got a fucking photographic, audiographic (or whatever it's called) memory.
This really ought to be in the handbook somewhere. Right after the chapter that tells men not to argue with a woman during those irrational PMS moments.
I forget where on TV I heard it but text message are the new lipstick on the collar. If you don't want anyone to see it, don't put it in writing. I'm not surprised at all that any of those women saved voice mail messages etc. It seems to speak to their intentions, ie “should anything go south I've got my butt covered.” Sad all around.
Data, baby. We chicks are all about data.
Oh… As a gender, we are too loyal and romantic. lol. We all pay for our sins one way or the other! take it both ways if you dare! Great Post!
Well said.
And we women are thankful for the digital era, which gives us the chance to save everything and take up less space in doing so.
Some of us even save digital information in two places, just to guard against catastrophic data failure. (We may or may not admit we have a problem…)
Amen! I ended up transcribing all of husbando's early text messages when he was working away so I could keep them forever. (gag!) But I still have them!
That is great. I vented about the girls and their comments at my site today. Right there with ya on the eyebrows.
Lucy
Way too funny! But, sadly so true.
Holding my hand up in a guilty fashion with a shoe box filled with random crap that I love from hubbs!
Men will never learn.
What Julie said. We collect evidence. We know, always, that a day is going to come when we need to whip out the proof (that our spouse once wrote love letters, that we really did see US on their Achtung Baby tour, that the baby really did have curly hair, that we did once upon a time fit into a size four, that we really were in high school once, that Tiger Woods really did leave a message on our phone) and when that day comes: WE'LL BE READY.
Fantastic!!! “or say a blue dress from the Gap…”
Brilliant! Every single word. Thank you for writing this.
So true. I've always kept everything!
Changing the words to include “fart?” I do that ALL the time! The kids laugh until they cry and my husband looks at me like I've grown another head. Ah. Good times.
It's true. I've learned that Tiger Woods is the world's greatest golfer, but he's not the brightest light bulb in the box.
Ah yes, the shoebox under the bed full of “mementos.” My husband used to write me poetry. I have proof!
Well said, Liz!
I play golf and have followed him dince day 1. However… what an IDIOT!!!!!
So true. I recently came across some creepy old secret admirer notes that I always suspected came from a stalker-ish ex boyfriend in college. Did I throw them away. Hell, no. Because I'm just. that. needy.
This is the is the most hysterical TRUE thing I have read in a long time. I am passing this along…so we can all save it!! xoxo
Hey baby,
Um, can you take my name off your blog for a bit? Yeah, my wife is going through my internet cache and I don't want her to know what's going on between us.
Thanks!
Oh, and take your name off too. Because I'm an idiot and messed up my last comment.
I can not believe you let the secret out. You should be kicked off the island. Snort.
This was awesome Liz.
This is too funny! I save everything! I still have the first email my husband ever sent to me…and pretty much all of them after that. I am a bit nutty.
It's too bad Tiger was the biggest attraction for golf. I'm quite annoyed that his sponsors were more concerned with the sport rather than his family.
I've always thought you were brilliant, but never so much this very moment
You might have added “never leave your Big Bertha where your wife can find it and use it against you”
yep, i save it all. and when i broke up with a boyfriend, i made him send me the photos AND NEGATIVES (yes, pre-digital — that long ago!) of the somewhat scandalous photos we took. and then *i* saved them … until i got married because, ew.
Yeah. I save shit alright. Like my first husband's girlfriend's underwear that somehow ended up in MY laundry hamper. Great.
This was hysterical! Loved it. Men are so stupid. Sorry, hon, but it's true.
Perfect. I loved his voicemail asking his gal pal to change her cell phone ID so his wife wouldn't see. I bet he thought he had all his bases covered.
The moral for my husband: when a billionaire screws up his marriage, at the worst, he still has half a billion dollars. If you screw up, I get the kids, the house and you get to move back in with your mama.
I didn't know we ALL do it. That makes me so happy
so.fucking.true.
what an idiot.
also… texting and “never” emailing… WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE JACKASS?!??!
OMG, yes. YES. And not just women, but anyone who might want to POSSIBLY BLACKMAIL YOU ONE DAY IF GIVEN A GOLDEN, GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY will probably also be saving your text messages, emails, and voicemails along with any biological evidence of your indiscretions. Why on earth anyone with ANYTHING to lose would leave a paper trail–physical or electronic–these days is beyond me. And it's not just Tiger Woods, either. What about all the cheating politicians (cheating on wives or cheating the system, whatever), busted through a text or email or recorded conversation? Maybe they just have such huge egos they don't think they'll get caught?
This should be everywhere. Love it.
Ha! This is hilarious. And very, very true. I'm pretty sure my mother still has every one of my baby teeth. On the one hand, ew. On the other hand, I'm not totally ruling out the possibility that I'll do the same thing.
On the cover of the Jan 2010 issue of Golf Digest: “10 tips Obama can take from Tiger”.
So many ways to interpret that…
Right on! I knew I wasn't the only one out there that saves this kind of sh*t! LOL. Maybe if there was a Man-101 blog, it would say that this is just the kind of sh*t they do. Sad thought!
Yes this is so true. Women are all a little crazy and men are all a little stupid. Well done.
Oh my gosh, I love you. You're SOOOO right. This is hilarious.
Thanks for the laugh!
Out of curiosity that was most certainly prompted by this post, I dug through my Inbox to see what goodies I could unearth. I have ALL sorts of confessions from ex-boyfriends and desperate, wannabe ex-boyfriends from 2001. Whoa.
Also, I feel really sorry for anyone who has ever dated Ms. Rita Arens, one who is notorious for keeping EVERYTHING data-wise. Ah, but I kid Ms. Rita Arens. I love her more than my luggage.
*standing up and clapping*
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