Years ago, I attended a friend’s wedding that had lots of elements of questionable taste. One of them: The wedding invitation. Tucked inside was a note reading, “Because we are blessed to have everything we need, in lieu of gifts please make a donation to our favorite charities X or Y. Make the checks payable to us and we will distribute the money evenly.”
The X charity wasn’t a charity I could support and the Y charity wasn’t actually a charity. Let’s just say, imagine being asked to donate to your friend’s Shaman’s non-accredited healing fund. Something just like that.
And yes, this was in L.A.
I posed the issue to Randy Cohen, otherwise known as The Ethicist. He wrote back with wonderfully astute (and humorous) advice. Something along the lines of A gift is just that–a gift–and not an entrance fee. You are welcome to give as you please, whether you give to one charity, both charities, neither, or give your friends a pony.
This week I kind of felt the same way again, as an email arrived asking for a donation towards our preschool teachers’ class gift. The gift is optional, as always, but the request is for nearly three times the amount we’ve been asked for in the past.
Oh, and the children are in school 7 hours a week.
I’m a big overtipper. And overgifter. I love giving me some gifts. And I love these teachers beyond anything you could imagine–I’ve already been thinking of what special thing the children can do for them (along with a generous gift certificate of course), because Sage simply adores them. But some special thing in the normal range. Not the Whee! The Economy’s Back So Let’s Go Crazy! range.
So I wrote back to the class mom. Something along the lines of gee, that seems awfully high…
It seemed the right thing to do last night. But I woke up this morning all sweaty and anxious and tinged with regret.
Oh God, I’m That Mom now. I’m the asshole.
(Not that the school didn’t stamp that label on my permanent record a full year ago. But still.)
I guess the issue isn’t whether we can afford it but whether we all can afford it. And whether it’s appropriate. Maybe I’m speaking for some other mom in the classroom–one I still don’t know–one who doesn’t have a hedge fund husband or a second house in the Hamptons or wads of cash lying around in the crevices of her Roche-Bobois couch. There was a time not so long ago that I dreaded birthday party invitations, because of the expense of buying a $10 gift each week. Even even as we rebuild, I still have that recession mentality left in me. I can’t be alone here, even in fancy Brooklyn.
I don’t want to do less for these wonderful teachers than they deserve. If it were up to me, they’d get a 100% pay raise and a $500 gift certificate, a flat-screen TV, a Teacher’s Day Parade, and that pony that Randy mentioned.
How would you handle it?
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I saw your tweet and I think that is just, such a surprising amount. Honestly, we don't even spend that much on my family as a WHOLE! But, maybe others are a little late to jump on board what the real meaning of giving is.
We usually give cookies and maybe? A $5 Starbucks gift card to my boys' main teachers. You know what? That is a LOT for us.
I can't imagine being asked to give more, I would have to say no and I wouldn't feel like an asshole. I think the people asking are the ones more fitting for that name.
What is this teaching the kids, anyway?
Steph
I was in that position last year. I just replied that as I had 3 kids with multiple teachers/scout leaders/music instructors etc. that the amount requested was beyond my budget so I'd be doing my own thing. I got a nice note back from the mom organizing that she totally understood and not to fret. I'd take that advice – Don't fret!
We live in a very diverse community — both ethnic- and socioeconomic-wise. One thing I have always been impressed with is the sensitivity to that via the school community. Any time we receive an ask for something like this, it's a “pay what you're comfortable with” (if at all) type of thing not a fixed request. I always put in too much (probably old baggage here), but people just do what they can.
I wouldn't sweat it — put in what you feel comfortable with…if you're feeling this way I'm sure others are as well.
I would have done what you did, and felt how you did, all sweaty and stuff. Someone needs to raise the question, and after a friend of mine did at her kids' preschool, they created some guidelines so classrooms weren't one-upping others in some crazy (and costly) appreciation game.
We have to keep the teachers in mind, here, too…there's generous and appreciative, and then there's over the top and embarrassing…we never want the receiving end of a well-meaning gift to feel beholden, bribed, indebted or overwhelmed.
Optional means optional in print only; the control moms are keeping score make no mistake about it. The thing to do is stop caring. Screw 'em. Send in a token gift if you want to, been doing it forever (oldest in college, youngest 5th grade). Teachers aren't keeping score. And for the record, they want cookies (or wine). Serious.
That's a bit much, agreed. Don't you wonder what on earth people are thinking. Last year, a group here gave the preschool teacher a leather Cartier agenda — she's a nun. Can't wait to see what they come up with this year!
As a teacher, I'm here to tell you that we are not keeping score. We DO like cookies (and fudge) and wine and we don't expect anything from anyone. Nobody wants a “token” gift, though. A card with a meaningful hand written note is a great idea.
Just my 2 cents. . .
I just think it's tragic that we have as a society forgotten how to trust that there is honor without expense.
I have a friend who consistently brings unexpected gifts for our daughters on their birthdays or holidays. They are never extravagant in cost, but oh the precision of just-rightness is humbling.
If I could do one thing it would be to lift the fog that hangs between our mechanical reactions (must do this, you have to do that) and the clarity that is giving something to someone to demonstrate that you care about them—who they are and how they have been a part of your life. If you don't feel those things, than why exactly are you giving?
Because I have this compulsion to make things, I bail on the gift card and hunker down with my sewing machine for a couple of days. I do like the wine idea though – anyone that spends that much time with all those small children could use some wine!
The Cartier-agenda-to-a-nun comment made me laugh out loud. We have kids that have been in private school (the teacher's Wish List contained things like a videocamera for the classroom) and now in public magnet school (wish list now contains items like hand sanitizer, pipe cleaners & glitter glue). The private school had the ask-for-this-amount structure, allegedly in order to equalize class gifts acroiss the grade levels, but really, when you get that e-mail asking for X and you'd planned to give much less, what's to be done? I agree that you're representing the feelings of a portion of the class families when you raise your voice, and that's important to do. Now that you've made the stand (and the other families thank you for it), hold your ground! Either donate tot he class gift what you think is reasonable, OR do you own thing. To give the requested amount after raising the issue undermines what you said, and is likely to confuse the room mom, as it sends a mixed message.
We all should do what we can manage. Teachers are such a significant influence on our children, but bet they want what we ALL do–something heartfelt and well-thought-out (a gift card to somewhere they've indicated they shop), rather than something that is ill-considered (Cartier agenda!!) or makes them feel wierd (here's a flat screen!).
Godo luck. happy holiays!
I just followed one of the comments to your tweet about the amt requested.
that is too. much. money. what on earth are they planning on buying for the teacher?! goodness.
The sad thing is, sometimes when you're not in a position to give that kind of money, that's when you feel the most self-conscious about saying no:( it seems unfair to even ask for that much.
To be clear, that tweet referenced the amount per family, not per teacher. The per teacher amount is the amount we generally spend on all the teachers combined, however.
You are all making me feel so much better. Thank you.
I'm with you. I really like choosing (or making) a more personal gift for my kids' teachers. And if that means it's also less expensive, even better. I know some people are really into the group gift and I can see the reasons why they are. But it's just not for me most of the time. So sometimes I politely decline and just say we already have something picked out for Teacher X. You aren't obligated to participate in group gifts so don't feel like an asshole!
Holy cow, Batmom! I also follow you on Twitter and think the amount is completely insane. What are they smoking in Brooklyn these days? Wow. Anyway, I think you definitely did the right thing. There must be others who can't afford that amount who have been put in a very uncomfortable position. Also, maybe the lady organizing needs to remember these are teachers, not orphans. They do have families and friends that buy them presents, too. Chances are, they aren't counting on the gifts from their little pupils (though sweet!) to be the highlight of their Christmas.
As a former teacher and the proud owner of about 12,000 mugs I vote for the wine. I also try to give a gift certificate for a local business like our independent book store or cheese shop, even $10 gets someone into the store and they always end up spending more.
I ran into this situation when my kids were in daycare.
It was tough on a number of counts.
We could barely afford daycare, and the whole “give what you can” request made us feel like jerks when we couldn't give much.
I personally had reservations about contributing $5 toward a gift, when I wasn't even told in advance what the gift was going to be.
I felt that if I gave the teacher a handmade card or small gift in lieu of the class gift, that I was undermining the class gift effort.
Long story short, I like the idea of individual gifts rather than a big class gift.
I know those who can't give an individual gift might feel left out. But even if you don't have time or money to buy something or to bake, you can at least find time to write a nice thank-you message in a Christmas card.
I think you did the right thing. I am constantly organizing gift collections for my kids' teachers and I have never asked for more than $5 per family if we had a pre-determined gift in mind. What I usually do is ask for contributions towards a gift card, and I always let parents know that it is totally optional, and that parents should feel free to pursue their own gifts and not feel obligated to contribute to a pot. It's tricky business for sure, but I have found that parents respond well when you don't set parameters.
In your situation, I'm not sure if you know any of the other parents well enough to email them and ask if they were surprised by the amount. But I probably would have tried to get a sense from the other parents, and then I would have sent the email back. But regardless, you did the right thing, and I'm sure other parents would thank you and sing your praises up and down if they knew. (Do they know?) Anyway, definitely don't sweat it.
For our teacher appreciation last year, I wrote an official letter to the director specifically outlining all of the wonderful things about my boys' teachers. It went into their personnel files. I encouraged other parents to do the same.
My daughter's preschool requests cash gifts at the beginning of the year to go toward (this year) a flip camera for the classroom. Amount is optional, not to exceed $25. Since this will cover Christmas and end-of-year gifts for three teachers, it is probably a good bit less than I would have spent otherwise. The classes also do small, low- or no-cost gifts, such as one flower from each kid, or a decorated recipe. For my older daughter's teachers, I usually alternate between Starbucks or bookstore gift cards, as something I feel confident they can use and enjoy.
We have three teachers, and there is no way I could do that amount, just no way. As it is, I'm not doing gifts for my family (other than a visit to my mom) not doing gifts for my BIL or SIL, only their kids, doing very little for my MIL (her annual calendar and pictures of the kids), and really, not going huge for the husband or the kid. Money is tight, debts need to be paid off so we can afford the kid on the way. I'll likely make something for M's teachers, maybe a small Starbucks card.
Don't worry about it, do your own thoughtful thing, and just enjoy the season.
It's a lot, but I would just give what I was comfortable with. Something to keep in mind I guess is how many teachers this covers. And I would not have e-mailed the organizers. I have done organizing for teacher gifts (spur of the moment family crisis) and the amount of e-mails I got back and the arguing that ensued over what should be done I found incredibly distasteful and pretty much ensured I will think twice before suggesting something like that to a group of parents. I'm sure that was not the tone or intent of your e-mail but after that experience I just give what I can and then stay quiet. Just my .02.
I probably wouldn't have written anything because I'm chicken, but I'm glad you did. Requesting a certain amount is downright tacky, especially for a christmas gift.
My kids have been through daycare systems, preschools, and now kindergarten. The usual amount collected (in our history) for a group gift is $10. I think that's reasonable. I looked at the amount asked of you on Twitter. Holy crap. That's a LOT of money.
How many teachers are involved? I have to buy for 7 teachers this year, so I will certainly be spending nearly $100 by the time I am done (I do a gift bag with chocolates and a $10 Starbucks card for each teacher).
However, the problem for me is not the amount, but the whole insinuation that everyone should contribute that much. Even if I had no problems affording the amount, I would still be in a huff, personally. I think you are correct in being concerned that there may be a family out there who cannot afford this amount. And kudos to your for speaking up for them!
I'm the class mom this year for my son's class, which involves sending emails like the one that you received. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start copying you on my emails from now on.
Except our school has a gift policy. That's appears to be super complicated:
1. Each family can be asked to contribute an amount ranging from $0 to $25.
2. This is for the entire year, i.e. winter holiday gift and end of year gift.
3. If a family chooses to give more than $25, that's ok, but they can't be asked to do so.
4. If a family chooses to give $0, they have to give the class mom an envelope that says $0! on it, so that class mom does not wonder if the family has gotten around to it or not.
I think they tried to make the policy fair and affordable for everyone, but I can't quite imagine someone handing me an envelope that says $0.
But because people don't spring into action, I end up sending a million emails, each one a little more edgy.
As class mom, I would have appreciated your note. Because it's feedback that whatever amount was being asked for was unreasonable.
It's entirely possible that I am not an ideal candidate for class mom. Or for commenting on posts.
If you had these thoughts, I'm sure many of the other moms did as well. They're just not brave enough to mention it.
For years I've wanted to ask my kids' teachers “What do you want for Christmas?” My grandmother was a preschool teacher, and although she loved the thought behind all the gifts, she ended up trying to get rid of many of them, and I was the recipient. I mean, how many candles can one have?
Marinka, I kind of love the idea of you as class mom.
I totally agree with your sentiments and the morning after feeling. I am newer to the teacher gift thing and busily feeling clueless.
I love Marinka's list.
I've never been class parent, but I've been on the board, and been in on the discussions about such things. There are always parents who give less than the ask (or nothing), and always parents who give more, no matter how it's phrased. Do what you're comfortable with.
I am also a class mom for my daughter's 4th grade class and I asked for a $10 donation OR whatever you could swing. This $10 is to cover three class parties and the end of year teacher gift. There are 24 children in the class and everyone brought in $10. I can imagine that if I would have asked for more than $10, I would probably not have been so lucky.
And you are not being an asshole, no way.
I've been put in this position before and it makes me sweat too. And I'm always the grinch who says no. For me, I try to look at the reason why more is being asked of me. If there's a really good reason – like, the money is for a specific gift that would be absolutely perfect for that person, then at least it's understandable (within reason). But if it's simply a price hike because that's what people think is right, I wouldn't go for it. I say stand your ground and if that means being the grinch then so be it.
Our last end-of-year-gift collection amount, in Brooklyn, but in public Pre-K, was $20. I know lots of folks have lots of money around there, but $60 is a bit ridiculous. I tend to take the individual gift route, and have given things I've made (organic soap) or something else we've chosen that year. I do always try to write a personal note, to let the teacher know how much she/he is appreciated.
Everytime I read one of these posts I am struck by the thought that I would never survive parenting in NYC. I just wouldn't. I'd be the mom that made all the other moms roll their eyes and whisper to each other “Well, she IS from California….”
We give our day care teachers individual gifts. We do Amazon gift certificates, because you can buy just about anything on Amazon and they make it so easy (you can print out fancy gift cards at home!) This year, the amount will be reduced because I am out of work. I don't think anyone will care. We also write a note expressing our gratitude for what they do, and try to get the child in question to do some artwork for the teacher, which we fully expect will be thrown out after a short stay on her fridge. After all, that is what we do with most of the artwork we get from our kids!
You handled it perfectly.
But now I'm curious. Exactly how much did they ask for? My kids' teachers are going to get paper mache necklaces (nice ones) and a card (from the kids). I think that is plenty.
As for the wedding people, if their guests give them money as a gift, and then the couple gave said gift money to charity, assuming the amount given to them by each is equal to, or less than, the maximum amount designated as exempt from the gift tax at the time of the wedding (likely $10k or $11k), and assuming charities X and Y are 501c3 organizations, that's a pretty brilliant way to shelter their income from taxes!
And pretty damned tacky.
I would simply just give what you were able to give. I think that asking for a specific amount especially in this economy & at Christmas time is a bit forward. Just do what you can.
I've been “that mom,” too. In preschool. Ugh. I'm a “make the gift for the teachers” mom. Both because I think it's special, and because it's what we can afford. A jar of homemade mustard is always a hit. Always. But it's still hard saying, “Uh. Nope. Not going to contribute to the class gift.”
As a former teacher, I would have felt extremely uncomfortable receiving any gift that is going to cost as much as whatever it is they are planning to get. I agree with fer here – A gift should feel like a gift, not like it might come back to bite you in the butt one day if you don't give a good grade, etc.
Also, I'm always hesitant to give wine as a gift unless I'm positive that person drinks alcohol. You never know who may be in recovery.
Last year we took a big fat hit financially, just like you did, so I declined to contribute to the class gifts (for elementary school) and instead wrote heartfelt cards. One teacher in particular was so fantastically amazingly wonderful to one of my children, who I'd thought I might have to homeschool, that really, no gift would have been enough. You can't compensate people for love… I did nominate him for a national teaching award, though.
Which is to say: don't fret it. Especially since you don't know any of the parents!
This is my first time commenting, but I had to chime in: My mother-in-law is a wonderful teacher who works with all the special-needs kids in her school. She gets downright emotional about thoughtful handmade gifts (One of her kids sewed her a colorful pencil case, which she uses every day) or small treats that she can share with her family. That stuff means so much to her.
I think if all the parents contributed that kind of money to get her something Cartier-agenda-like, she would just be embarrassed.
I am the mom sending the email out to all the preschool parents this year (and last) asking for contributions to a staff gift pool. Ours is also optional and I don't ask for any specific amount, but I've found families donate $25-$200, with most families contributing $50-75. The funds are distributed among all of the staffers unless a parent directs the contribution to specific teachers.
Ah yes- got an email yesterday that “we” are buying the teacher an iPod. I was a bit surprised because “I” was making her candy. Money is tight and I decided to do some nice things at various times during the year and take Xmas lightly. So, for now I'm ignoring the request. If they come back to me I'll chip in probably. And resent it.
On behalf of me (no i don't have a kid in your kid's class… or state for that matter) Thank you. I'm one of those weenie women who don't always speak up for themselves, but when I made the decision to be a SAHM I gave up a significant portion of our income and if I choose to send my son to a mother's day out, it's going to eat up all of the money that I do make- never mind the money I would be asked to pony up for teacher gifts and parties and everything else.
Keep speaking up- some of us are still learning how.
I have written that letter more than once. This year we were asked to give $80 for the group gift.
That is supposed to cover the entire year. It includes teachers, TAs and custodial staff. So when you break it down it is not that much per person.
However, it is a private school and we are all paying significant amounts for tuition.
For many of the families the extra money isn't something that they would ever notice, but for some it is.
I don't have a problem being the one to say something. It is important and sometimes a good reminder that though our kids attend the same school, we aren't all in the same tax bracket.
We've been in both positions, so I get that mentality. Our kids have always attended private school, and I've made it pretty clear to all the moms in the class that my contribution is all the time I volunteer. I have a friend who works full time and feels like extravagant gifts are her way of contributing. I also have a dear friend who is caring for her nephew and is doing all she can to have him in this school rather than in the terrible public schools where they live. In the end we are all doing what we can to put our kids first and show gratitude where we can.
Our class, btw, asks that any money for class gifts or parties be cash put in an envelope with the room mom's name. The teacher gathered all the envelopes in a large one and gave it to the room mom. No one keeps track of who pays what, and that sure as heck takes the edge off!
Didn't read all the comments…but I think you did the right thing, athough the cynical me doubts it will change anything. We went to a low-income preschool where I gave a bunch of small gift cards to be shared among all the teachers, because it was like 95% scholarship & the teachers didn't expect anything but needed a lot. The next year I gave cards, maybe because I didn't even want to bother to compete with potentially huge gifts.
I think requesting is good, because for those who want to give $ it's nice to pool $ for a group gift, but it should be optional and I can't imagine being asked to donate a certain amount for a teacher…I've giving a lot, for me, this year – $20/teacher, because I could barely afford anything last year (my contribution was being room mom and the year before showing up on random days with coffee for the teachers). We buy gift cards where the school actually gets a percentage, plus if some classes collect a lot more than others we sort of share the wealth (coordinated by grade level coordinators).
Think about the schools where teachers aren't getting anything and perhaps help those out if you can. I think it's nice of you to think about others, and not just worry about what you can afford or whether you personally care if you are “that mom”
. From what I hear, the best teachers are thilled with personal notes and cards and things from the kids.
I totally wish Marinka was my class mom, and I would have for sure given her an envelope that said $0 cuz that is hilarious. with a heartfelt note, of course.
I managed to score the two good room moms this year, finally. I don't think I'll be asked to do it again.
Don't play along. Do something on your own.
I am a staff person in a law firm. Every year a group of the better-paid people get together to adopt families through the Salvation Army. They pool a ton of money and give an extravagant amount of gifts.
I can't give as much. And I would rather do something on my own than get lost in the group. Although ever year I feel like an ass hat for clicking “No” on the “Will You Participate” email, I do it anyway. It's just not right for me. Forget the class gift. Give your own thing. You'll be more memorable that way anyway
As a teacher, I can tell you I have been on the receiving end of some pretty extravagant gifts: designer handbags, a pearl necklace, custom made bracelets, etc. I have to be honest and say while those gifts were nice, the most treasured gifts I received were books. My class new how much I love to read and when someone would take 15 minutes out of their day to buy a book that they think that I would enjoy . . . wow, that was thoughtful. A gift is simply that a gift. It means nothing if there is no sentiment behind it.
I think you should give your kids' teachers about a thousand dollars each. For shoe shopping sprees. (Of course, I might be biased because I get very few Christmas gifts from the bratty teenagers I teach and I'm super stressed out right now and somewhat cranky. So don't take anything I say at face value.)
Granted I live in rural Maine but we were asked to donate $3.00. Total. What bothers me is that the list of what the teacher “wants” is all school supplies. I adore my daughter's kindergarden teacher and feel like giving her school supplies for a present sucks. We should thank her for all her hard work by gifting her with supplies the school should be providing? I'll send in the $3 but I will also do something nice for her!
Wow.
In my perfect world, teachers would make more than lawyers, so I think showing generosity at the holidays is wonderful.
People need to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone is doing well, although that mom is probably oblivious. I bet you spoke up for 10 or so others who were thinking the same thing.
A mom at our preschool sent a note and said if we wanted to do our own gifts, no problem. But if we wanted to go in on a group gift, say $10 from each family, she would evenly distribute the total between the teachers and get them each gift cards. I thought that was very fair. And my shopping was done.
In addition to “the holiday tip” I have my kids do something more personal, too– we make a huge tray of cookies for the school's holiday open house, and make a special gift for Teacher Appreciation Week– they always seem quite touched by that because it's less of a “gift” and more recognition of why they are teachers.
Hey– my girlfriend who works at Johnson & Johnson dropped off a gift bag stuffed with jugs of hand sanitizer and her teacher swooned. It's all good.
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