Recently, I was chatting with a neighborhood mom and when I innocently asked whether she still worked, she responded, a little snippy, “Yes. Every day. As all moms do.”
Then I complimented her on her cute Oriental daughter and asked her if she had any crippled friends.
Perhaps I should know better. We have entered a new enlightened era of referring to stay-at-home moms instead of housewives, and now saying work-out-of-the-house mom instead of working mom less we offend (I offended! I am offensive!) anyone and everyone. We’re all so touchy about who we are and what we do and how people talk about us. Language is changing by the nanosecond. Or at least by the blog post. And it’s sometimes hard to keep up.
I’m pretty good about it on these pages (and when I’m not I get schooled by you all) but I suppose in person, without the benefit of rewrites, habits die hard. Still, I’ve always believed that people are entitled to be called whatever they want to be called; as long as I’m given one free pass when I get it wrong.
So while I guess you never ask a stay-at-home-mom “do you work?” (but rather, “do you work out of the house?”) I guess there are some things you never say to a working out of the house mom. Like, say: She’s a good mom by night.
(Presumably not by day, when I’m “off duty?”)
Or: Well we just gave up the luxuries in life so I could stay home with the kids.
(Because things like heat and food are luxuries.)
Or my favorite: If you didn’t want to raise your own children, why have them?
(To which there is no appropriate verbal response. You just smile and walk away from the discussion and feel bad that this woman has not acquired any social skills that might lead to things like, oh…friends. Meow.)
As luck would have it, I’m working on a piece for a big ol’ magazine about things you never say to a working mom. (Or, I guess, work out of the house mom. Although that’s just so damn cumbersome. Can’t we think of a new one? But I digress.) And I’d love your help. You’ll have my eternal gratitude and admiration, and I’ll link to the final piece here and credit all of your inspiration and genius.
That is…genius by night.
194 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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“That must be so hard to leave your kids”
Sure, it's hard. But I liked working. No, take that back, I loved working and I am trying my hardest to become a “work outside of the home” mom again. I hate that there is a stigma attached to moms who actually enjoy returning to their professional lives. Some of us weren't meant to be home all day with our kids- I fall into that category.
Well, for starters, I know my sisters HATED IT when folks assumed they couldn't afford to stay home with their kids. They sorta could but they also liked working. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. So they paid me (eejit who chose to stay home) to watch their kids. best of Both worlds.
So, yeah. Assuming they work because they can't afford to stay home with their own kids. Also, “How can you leave them every day with strangers! Must be so hard!” ranks up there, too.
The most offensive to me, from a male colleague who was expecting his first child “my wife is staying home because we don't want someone else to raise our kids”. I guess that answered the question of what he thought of me!
“Your kids must be sick all the time at Daycare right?”
This one has been said to me and I about near threw the person out a window.
“Wow. The children seem REALLY close to their nanny.”
“Why doesn't your husband work?”
How about, “It must be so nice for you to work outside the home and have a reason to wear makeup and clothes other than sweat pants.”
Which is what some biddy once said to me in my office when she noticed the picture of my two kids on my desk.
I've obviously fallen into a personal hygiene pit of hell as I toil away at home now that I no longer have a job outside the walls of my home.
But I look damn cute in yoga pants, no matter what my mother says.
“Don't you wish you could be at home with your kids?”
No actually I don't. My husband is home with the kids during the day b/c of his work schedule. Why would we want to give up the luxuries (the food, health insurance, running water) so that we could both be home at the same time?
I've had a few good ones but here are two favourites:
(a) “Do you have any children of your own?”
(b) “Are you the nanny?”
The funny thing is I think the women who asked the questions did not mean to offend. They really just wanted to include me in the conversation. Rather than make the situation more awkward, I just replied:
(a) “This is my only one,” and continued to push my son on the swing.
(b) “Yes, and the cook, and the driver, and the nurse and the mother.”
And yes, folks, for the record, Filipino women are also very good with their own kids.
Grace Sanchez MacCall
As a former cute Oriental daughter (wait, am I still cute? I'm definitely still Oriental!) who has been a working mom both full time out of the home and full time in the home, I hear you.
I used to get the same, “Oh, don't you actually want to raise your children?” and “Wow, don't you feel bad about only seeing your kid for a couple of hours before they go to bed?” comments when I was working at the hospital, but I've actually found more challenges in this department since transitioning to work out of my home office….such as my people (even a former landlord) assuming that since I'm at home I'm available for tech support, family crisis calls, and fetching directions off the Google (I kid you not). Or the pressure to volunteer at my daughter's school because my schedule is “flexible.”
It's come to the point that I've stopped answering my phone during the day unless it's a scheduled work call. But that of course leads to people like my mother repeatedly calling both my home and cell, because if I'm not home then where am I?
Probably out getting a manicure while watching Oprah and eating bon bons.
“I wouldn't put my dogs in daycare, let alone my kids.”
My friend's husband said this to me and my husband, just as I finished telling him how excited we were about the daycare we just checked out. I was preggo with my first.
True story. I'm not exaggerating. It was literally the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. I still can't believe my husband was able to restrain himself from hitting the jerk.
My personal favorite is “Well, I just know *I* could never let someone else raise my child.”
I am a 'SAHM' but I hate the Suzie Homemaker stereotype that is attached with it. So when people tell me how great it is that I stay home with my kids, I just tell them that I'm too lazy to work.
It's more accurate than snarky.
“I'd rather stay home and give up a few personal luxuries than take all that time away from my kids.”
—yes, this was once said word for word to me when I brought up the idea of going back to work full time!
OH, something to never say to a working-outside-the-home mom.
“But how do you keep up with your Farmville account?”
Someone once asked me me to do something with Michael in the middle of the day and I said, I can't I work and she looked right at me and said “you work, I'm so sorry.”
I was so floored I didn't even have a response.
Oh my gosh these are so so amazing!
And psst JD – dogs are happier in daycare than home alone with their boring owners. Trust me.
I work shift work and commonly get “Then who puts your kids to bed??” (because, apparently, Daddies are incapable…), “Do you EVER get to see your kids??” (the answer is yes, actually more than a 9-5er…) and my personal favorite, “So you can't afford to be a stay-at-home-mom??” (I could, I CHOOSE not to, which usually infuriates them more, so I say I can't).
My rule of thumb is to make child care/working mom conversations like religion and politics…NEVER discuss them with people you don't know VERY well (and even then stay reserved)!!!
I just had a conversation with a SAHM who told me that the best gift for a SAHM was time away. Because all that time at work, we are relaxing and hanging out?
I also got the dog/daycare comment. I can't believe there is another person in the world who would say that!
I'm a part time work-at-home Mom, mostly because I needed an excuse to put my kids in daycare because I would be a psychotic depressed bitch if I was with them all the time. (And yes, I love them more than anything, blah blah blah.) I just can't deal with the judgmental crap from mothers on both ends of the working/SAHM spectrum, which is why I know have exactly three Mommy friends with whom I will have playdates and/or discuss parenting choices. (And yes, I will likely be crucified for this comment. Whatever.)
@adjustmentdisorder eh, this isn't community that's big on crucifixion. Try The Stir at Cafe Mom.
I've been a “working mom” and now SAHM and each one has it's own pros and cons….just wish people would respect women's choices and not judge.
I've been asked:
“So you're ok with leaving your kid with your in-laws and nanny?” – as if it's a bad thing.
I'm just fortunate that here in the Philippines, nannies are more accessible and having my in-laws living with us has more advantages for us.
I love what your reader Grace said
“Did you see that article last week in (name your media piece here) about that daycare that had (name your major communicable disease, freak playground accident, etc. here).”
I try to avoid those people but can't seem to. I trust the daycare I chose as top notch but dont make me worry any more than I already do when my kids aren't under my direct care. I already shoulder more Mommy guilt than I care to admit by 7am drop off.
“It must be nice to get a break while you're at work.”
“Don't you love your children?”
“Don't you want your children raised with values and morals?” ??
From my mother-in-law as I was expecting my third…”Well, now there is no way you can go back to work!” As if she had finally triumphed in battle…Watch me lady, I'm going back. She didn't say a word with #4.
From my boss as if he was doing me a favor but I agreed so I am the idiot… “We'll pay you part-time (2/3) so you can have flexibility during your free periods but you will still teach the same courseload.” Ummm… flexibility was his codeword for nursing my children on school grounds or pumping in a bathroom stall. Grrr…
Lately, I have been getting “I know you wish you could stay at home.” Maybe, maybe not. The assumption that all women want to stay at home is old-fashioned and narrow-minded. I am thankful that I have a socially acceptable choice. Now don't judge me.
“Doesn't it bother you to have complete strangers raising your kids?”
That is wrong at least twice- the wonderful day care workers are no longer complete strangers, and they aren't “raising” my kids.
But I usually don't get too catty when I hear that- I smile, and refer them to Sarah Hrdy's book “Mothers and Others”, which makes the case that humans have always been a cooperative breeding species in which mothers have had help caring for their children.
The one that really gets me mad is: “Oh, it must be so HARD to be a working mom.”
I think that is insulting to ALL moms- as if there is some easy way to be a mom! That one annoys me so much that I wrote an entire rant about it.
For me, working outside the home is the best way for me to be a mom, but my choice doesn't really say anything about anyone else's choice- what is best for me and my family may really suck for someone else and her family. I think if we'd all just try to assume that families have chosen the arrangement that works best for THEM, and that what works for one family may not work well at all for another family, we'd do a lot better.
Why can't we all just get along? Puppy dogs and rainbows?
Motherhood is already hard enough as it is without throwing the whole self-important ” I am mightier-than-thou” because I work or stay home.
Truly, does your choice really affect my choice?
Nope, so this playground banter, needs to stop.
You are not a crappy mom for working, and you are not a crappy professional for choosing to leave the workforce.
Just be glad ladies that we are in an era where we have a choice.
*disclosure I am a work at home mom who left teaching because day care would have swallowed my paltry salary.
“At least you get a break from the kids.”
1. Let me break something for you, please. I'll start with your neck.
2. I wouldn't call work a break. Yes being a mom is the most challenging job I've ever had but work is still work.
3. I'd rather be with my kids. I mean don't get me wrong. Sometimes I think I want a break from them but in reality at least I can hug and kiss my kids. If I tried that with customers…
4. That's what Grandparents are for.
I have brushed on this topic a time or two, so I won't eat up your comments. *ahem*
People continue to assume that I *can't* stay home because my husband doesn't make enough money.
People have told me I should learn to curb my spending and get rid of one of my cars so I can stay home and parent my kids rather than having them in daycare.
It's been suggested that we downsize, stop buying *stuff* and figure out what's really important so I can stay home with my kids.
Granted, I really have wanted to quit working and stay home (who wouldn't most days), but really? I think I'd end up in a looney bin.
“Do you work because you are worried your husband is going to leave you?”
and
“Did you plan to have your kids?”
aaaand…
“It must be nice to let someone else BE the Mom for you.”
I've been every role of parenting. Working outside of the home, working at home, stay at home and it boils down to everyone does what works for them!
I have this weird dichotomy because I telecommute. People are slightly horrified that I also have my kid in daycare.
I got a lot of lip from my husband's family, including “How do you trust a stranger to be with your kid” (to which I was DYING to reply either a) your son has never held a baby and I trust him or b) sometimes strangers are better than parents *hint, hint, crazy family!*.
I thought the post from Domestic Goddess was interesting b/c I often sort of pretend poverty as an “acceptable excuse” for using daycare.
Either way the point people seem to be making is that if I work at home, I should have my kid at home. As if my work is somehow less because I do it in my jammies. I'm still required to be there 8 hours a day like everyone else, I can't be knee deep in diapers and Sesame Street when a client calls. But people still think my house should be spotless, the laundry done, my kid on my hip, and all my reports filed on time. Come on!
Whoa, okay, you started something here with me. I need another glass of wine.
“You must miss them so much!”
(Sometimes I do but I would never say to a SAHM “It must be so hard to feel like you're not contributing to your family's income!”)
Not a quote but a relative said something that implied that my infant daughter was likely to become more attached to her daycare provider than me.
And as others have said, those who express sympathy and make statements assuming that I must “have” to work. Forgetting the 4 years of college, 5 years of grad school, and 3 years of post-grad training I completed in order to be able to pursue this line of work, which I have wanted to do ever since I was a teenager.
“Oh, you work? Don't you worry that your daughter will miss out on so many opportunities?”
Right, like storytime at the library is so much better than her preschool. Apparently people think I send my daughter to a preschool where they stare at gray cement walls all day.
I return to work tomorrow after a full year of maternity leave. I have gotten this one at least 3 or 4 times in the past week alone:
“Oh, that's so sad you have to go back to work!”
To which I reply:
“HAVE to go back? No no no. GET to go back. Woohoo!!”
Firstly, I don't have to. Hubby does pretty well on his own, money wise. Second of all, it's not sad, it's happy. Working is good for me. It's good for my family. It makes me a better mom when I'm with them. So stuff it, all you “oh it's so sad” assumers.
Sorry. This is just timely.
How about, “When are you going to stop working to be a real mom?” from one of the older gentlemen in my office when he found out I was pregnant? And though I did decide to quit my job and stay at home later (oldest was 7), I had no intention of leaving my career until I got a bad boss.
No one has yet commented on how defensive the neighborhood mom was, with her snippy comment. Wow! She must be pretty insecure. I've done the gamut: part-time, full-time, currently stay at home. If someone asked me if I still worked, there's no way I would be oversensitive and take it that way. I would say, “Nope. I'm not working right now; but I used to do X and Y. What do you do?” I'm grateful to my working friends for conversation and perspective. They are grateful to me for the same.
As a SAHM, I can't even count how many times working moms have said,
“Oh my god, you couldn't pay me enough to do your job”
I've also been asked if I drink or use drugs to cope with being a SAHM.
For the life of me, I will never understand why we care so much about where other people spend their days.
Also, if I say, “I work”, that statement has got absolutely nothing to do with you (the rhetorical “you”).
It means I have go to the place that issues my paycheck, and how self-centered (and weird)to insert yourself into that.
My mother-in-law threatened to call DSS because I was working and leaving our son with a nanny which “put him at risk”. She says she was joking. Needless to say, I didn't think it was funny!
I'm a “stay-at-home mom,” but I can't imagine being offended if someone asked me if I work. It's a really fine line between being unemployed, not being able to get a job that pays well enough to pay for childcare, and being a stay-at-home mom. Being overly sensitive about the whole thing does no good. At this point in time roles for women and mothers are ambiguous and freaking out about nomenclature doesn't help that.
But, yes, blah blah blah, I do work while I'm home with the kids but I also kick ass at Sorority Wars so as my fellow pledges would say, “whatever.”
I don't have a specific comment (there are just too many to remember them all, and why would I want to. But, when I was debating on quitting my career to be a stay-at-home-mom I was having a conversation with two of my friends who got into a HUGE MASSIVE argument about whether it was best for me and my son for me to stay home. I wasn't even participating in the conversation anymore at that point. It was crazy! And, for the record, I quit.
My FIL actually said to me when I explained that working outside the home was and is an important part of who I am.
“Well, now that you have kids, it's not about you at all anymore.”
It rendered me speechless in the moment. Then I felt a rush of guilt because, my GOD, how could I be so selfish?!?! He said it with such conviction that I took his words as truth…for a second anyway.
Finally I came to my senses when I remembered that my own mom, who was a physician, was nothing short of spectacular, even though she was “off” during the day (love that thought Erin!). She also fought for the opportunity to work – having to stare down medical school deans who told her to her face that she was a “waste of a space in medical school” because she took the slot of a perfectly good male physician – and she'd just drop out once she got married and had kids.
We are VERY lucky to have this naming dilemma I think!
As another part-time WAHM, I have to say that comments like “I'd be in the looney bin” are just as offensive to SAHMs as “work must be a nice break” is to WOHMs. Especially from people who haven't ever even *tried* staying home. The idea that it takes little to no brain power to be a caregiver is insulting.
Also, PT work-at- home-parents- you'd think we have it all, the best of both worlds right? But as someone else said, it's more like we get judged from both sides. SAHs think we get a “break” from being with the kids (or that we can't afford to not work) & WOHs think that we have all kinds of free time and that we can never complain about errands/household duties etc, because after-all we are only working 3 days a week!
Well, I would be in the looney bin if I had to stay at home…but not because it takes little or no brain power to be a caregiver. It takes far too much.
FrancesVettergreenVisualArtist recently posted..less is more. sometimes.
++1
Mom101 recently posted..The most beautiful kid’s room in the word. With just one thing missing.
I am employed half-time and have been referred to as a “part-time hydrologist, part-time mom.” Ouch. I'm a hydrologist 22 hours per week, but a Mom every second. The woman who said it doesn't have kids, so I let it slide.
I'm a little late to this party so almost every offensive comment I've heard (or a variation thereof) has been posted here. I'm so glad I'm not alone, but at the same time, it's sad that we even have to have this discussion.
And while it's not a specific comment, but an action, I'd like to throw out how offensive it is for all elementary school volunteer meetings and planning activities to happen during the school day, making it damned near impossible for me to participate without taking a big chunk out of my work day. I asked once about moving them to earlier morning or even early evening every now and again and was told “We only want volunteers who can commit to our needs,” which obviously meant moms who were available at 10am for a school meeting instead of a work meeting. It was as if by making the choice to keep my career I simply wasn't good enough to volunteer.
When my daughter asks me why I work I tell her it's because I love my job, it's a part of who I am, and it makes me happy (most days). I also tell her that i work so that one day she and all of our daughters will have the freedom to choose their path, unlike many of the women in generations before ours. Diversity in approach to parenting and women in the workplace is key to keeping our daughters' paths as unencumbered as possible.
Recently overheard from female colleague in my school: Oh, I wish I had children so I'd have to go and pick them up at the end of the day each day and have an excuse to get out of here. I stay for hours after work.
SHe probably never should have said that in earshot of us working-out-of-the-home moms who struggle with the balance. Mind you, no one is leaving early, before the official end of the day and many of us working-out-of-the-home moms give loads of extra time to the school.
The moms that I run into are either more diplomatic or talk behind my back. Wow, y'all have heard an earful! (work-out-of-the-house mom here)
To the SAHMs offended by the comments from WOHMs about how they couldn't handle staying at home… wow, I guess I've never thought about how that might offend you. I don't think I've ever said that to a SAHM, but I have said something similar to WOHMs, and I suppose I should be more careful. I'm truly sorry.
But @Jenn, I have to correct your assumption that the reason I would be miserable as a SAHM has anything to do with a presumed lack of intellectual challenge in taking care of kids. It doesn't. It has to do with the constant demands for my attention, and the lack of any break. Something about that just drives me batty by the end of a day or two at home with my kids. I lose patience and turn into a different type of mom than what I want to be.
However, now that I think about it, I can see how a comment about how I would be a lousy SAHM might be seen as a back-handed compliment, and the inverse of the comments about how “hard it is to be a WOHM”, that I hate so much. We need someway to acknowledge that being a mom is hard no matter how you do it, but that some ways would be harder for some people than others!
I hope I didn't just offend further… if so, I'm very sorry.
Ha, I just replied to the same comment you address here. I think you should lose the guilt, though.
Why is it so loaded to say we’d be lousy SAHMs? We also say we’d be lousy dentists, or lawyers, or waitresses…or any of a million other occupations we’re temperamentally/intellectually/otherwise unsuited for. Somehow that doesn’t attract so much judgement.
Just because I wouldn’t be good at something, and/or wouldn’t enjoy doing it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value. It just means I’m better off making a different choice.
FrancesVettergreenVisualArtist recently posted..less is more. sometimes.
How about:
“work in” moms and
“work out” moms?
Both are hard and both contribute equally to society and families. Amen!
Can't think of any catchy titles for either.
Could we call ourselves “second shift moms”? I am fortunate to have a husband that does A TON around the house, but many working out of the house moms (that is cumbersome) don't. That means, work all day, work all night. How's that for fair? Or what about the moms who have to work 2 jobs? Or are single moms? Or just enjoy working?
I just wish we could all talk about how hard it is to be a parent, no matter your situation. It's the hardest, most wonderful thing I will ever do, and anyone who questions my love for my girls because I'm only home nights and weekends (sounds like a cell phone plan) better not say it within earshot.
Sorry. I'll leave room for other comments now.
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