No sooner did the comments (amazing, amazing comments!) on my last post about working moms start coming in, that I knew a follow-up was in order. Something about this notion of “doing it all.” Because it seems that whether we work out of the home or not, one thing so many of us seem to have in common is this struggle with balance; the feeling that maybe we do too much.
(And God, don’t you hate that expression “juggling?” I wish there were a term that didn’t come from the world of mimes.)
Recently, I was speaking on a panel about moms and mobile technology when an audience member raised his hand to ask how I “do it all.” It was a wildly uncomfortable moment for me (geez, you couldn’t just ask me my favorite app?) and I mumbled something awkward about making the most of every minute, Then I think I said something about waking up really early to write, segued into a self-deprecating quip about not doing everything so well, and made a bad analogy about hourglass sand or something before settling on some point about how it takes a village and my parents are very helpful.
Not my finest public speaking moment.
I’m not insulted when people ask about “doing it all” – I just find it to be a difficult question. Lisse summed it up so well in comments by paraphrasing a brilliant Tina Fey essay in the New Yorker: When you ask a working mom about how she does it all, it either puts her in the position to say something disparaging about herself (check) or deliver an answer that makes the questioner feel somehow inadequate for doing less.
Thank you Tina Fey. I kees you.
Frankly, I don’t do it all nor do I want to. I’m sure I do more than some and less than others; there’s great comfort in that middle section of the bell curve. I also find solace in the fact that I won’t be busy forever. There are times for productivity and times for rest. Times for input and times for output. There were times in my life when I sat around and played Spades on Yahoo for hours on end. I just don’t have that luxury right now.
Those of us who are visibly busy I think at times give a false impression of togetherness that’s rather unfortunate and unattainable. You don’t see my trainwreck of a bedroom. (Well, some people have. And they’ve been sworn to secrecy.) You don’t see the dishes in my sink or the scary, scary things under my couch. You don’t see my overdue bills or the crud under my keyboard or the lightbulb that’s been out for three weeks in the closet. You don’t see when my toenail polish is chipping and when you do see that I’m way overdue for some hair color, thankfully you don’t mention it.
We busy people, we prioritize. We make concessions.
I don’t read the New Yorker articles my mother flags, rips out, and places right in my hand insisting READ THIS NOW, or I’d have written about that Tina Fey piece a month ago.
I don’t exercise. It’s been four years since I’ve been to a gym. I do however climb a million subway steps every day. I also own a lot of Spanx.
I don’t go to every pediatric visit. I’ve already been skewered about that on Babble, so no need to do it here.
I don’t do the laundry. God bless my sitter. I have also given up on the pile of Nate’s clothes that grows in the bedroom like a fungus. In fact I don’t make cleaning much of a priority any more, which is why I do not throw a lot of dinner parties either. Clear a place on the floor! We’ll throw down a blanket and make it a picnic! just doesn’t sound all that inviting.
I don’t cook much. Definitely not eggs.
I don’t feed the homeless, foster rescue animals, host benefits, endure walkathons, chair volunteer committees. Although I did drunk bid at our preschool auction last week and end up with a very expensive drum lesson for Thalia.
I don’t RSVP yes as often as I RSVP maybe.
I don’t look at my Google reader. In fact, it kind of scares me to think about.
I don’t write hand-written thank you notes. Hooray for Paperless Post, and a culture that’s increasingly accepting of rude behavior.
(Thanks Kelly for the suggestion. Phew, that was liberating.)
Do people think you do it all? What are the things you “do it all-ers” don’t do?
—
Thank you for including this post in Five-Star Friday, Schmutzie.
92 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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In the madness of working part-time and raising three kids (including one very demanding toddler), I have started to find some comfort in the notion that there are seasons of life.
There may be a season of life (many years from now) when I serve homemade dinners and volunteer on the PTA and keep up-to-date on what's happening in Congress and go to Pilates class.
This is not that season.
For now, I am starting to think that it is perfectly fine to limit dinners to things I can make in the toaster oven; to send a check to the PTA instead of actually showing up to a meeting; to be completely clueless about world affairs; and to have bye-bye arms (and thighs and plenty of other jiggly parts).
I love that you wrote this, because it illustrates perfectly what I told our mutual friend David Wescott during our chat on Monday. You, me, and every other mom I know – we all set individual priorities. There's no single right way to manage our lives. Even among those of us who are close, professionally and personally, differences exist.
I'm right there with you on a lot of this (though I just started going to the gym for the first time in, well, my life), but I worry that by admitting all this stuff, we then put ourselves in the “bad mother” category. So we can't win. We're all bad mothers who do it all.
Oh, you found it!
And of course it makes sense that it was Tina Fey. She has this wonderful way of putting things that makes you think “Yes. Yes, exactly!”
As do you.
Thanks for the h/t.
I love this. I frequently try to “do it all” – or at least people think that I do – but there is so much that gets left undone or half done. There are days like yesterday, when I feel terrible about it. I set my priorities, and I do the best I can. Some days, I pull it off; others, not so much.
I don't keep up on world affairs
I no longer coach or volunteer for extra-curriculur stuff at the school I work at
I don't go to most of my students games but I try to ask how they did.
I don't cook much and my house is not clean. Ever.
I remember playing trivial pursuit with my very intellegent grandmother. She knew every answer to every question….unless it was a pop-culture or world events question while anyone of her five children were in diapers. Then she would just shrug her shoulders and say, I was doing laundry and feeding your father, next question!
I don't invite people over, because my house, while livable is not guest quality. I clean when absolutely necessary. I only vacuum when I can't find the kids under the dog hair.
I don't cook. We eat out more than we should and my children believe french toast is a gourmet meal. I don't volunteer at the school. I don't even send things for bake sales. I only sign my kids up for activities that are once a week. No soccer for us. Thank god for the rec center, so we have one activity night a week.
I only read books (that aren't preschool and elementary level) on planes, so that's maybe two in the past year. I haven't gotten my kids photos professionally done since Harrison was two months old. He's two and a half.
There are grey hairs on my head, my eyebrows are out of hand, I believe the last pedicure I had was before BlogHer last summer and I haven't shaved my legs in a month. I started the Shred but quit after two weeks, because it's too time consuming. Hell, I have 45 hours of TV on my DVR.
I, like you, make silly jokes when someone asks me how I do it all. Because really? It's a myth. Doing it all is a myth. I am busy and crazed and I have three active kids. I know in most peoples eyes, I'm not doing it right. I have been judged my many a person. Including some in my own family. In my heart and my head though, I know I'm doing the best I can and that has to be enough for me and my kids. Despite all my shortcomings, I seem to be doing something right, because my kids are truly amazing.
Thank you Liz for both of these posts. It's nice to not feel like it's just me.
I love this. I also love Tina Fey!
I most often feed my kids breakfast (bagel with cream cheese, yogurt tube, or something else portable) in the car on the way to school. I don't watch TV. Ever. I rarely go out during the week because that's what I write. Ergo some people think I'm chilly but really I'm just trying to protect the few hours a week I get for myself. I don't really cook. We eat very simply here.
I love this post. xox
I'm practicing a few things. I'm practicing saying no to invitation without making up an excuse. I'm practicing not saying “exhausted” every time someone asks how I am (we all are, obviously.
I'm practicing not apologizing for my time away or not focused on my kids. I'm practicing giving where it's genuine and trying to let go of the self-punishment over areas I just don't do well or sincerely.
But fuck if I don't cuss out the kids bathroom every day because it smell so bad no matter what I do. It is a living a foul example of my lack of homemaker ability, and loss of order, and a symbol of my shame that I will have a seder here Monday and have to tell everyone NOT THAT ONE NOT THAT BATHROOM. I'm working on it.
Love Anna Quindlen. Love Tina Fey. Love this post.
I can do it all if I want to do it all poorly. I'm not okay with that. It sends me into a downward spiral that is difficult to crawl out of. I don't aspire to perfect by any stretch of the imagination but there are some things, like being a parent, that I can't do poorly anymore.
I'm working on being okay with not doing it all, or not doing anything somedays. I don't work outside the home and am lucky enough to have my oldest in preschool for a few days a week and I still don't do everything I “should”. I do what I can and, if I'm lucky, do what I want. The rest will wait and sometime I will be okay with that.
As I like to say, we all have priorities and a clean floor isn't one of mine.
I don't clean, except the few things that drive my husband crazy. I don't cook anymore. I don't watch the news (although, really, I don't miss that one). I don't read anymore (I really miss that one). I feel zero shame when we eat out, and am more than willing to take convience options when they're given to me.
I don't even pretend to do it all. I don't pretend to myself or to the outside world. I think, in part, it helps to have grown comfortable saying, “sorry I can't do that, I don't have the time.” Because I know I mean it–at least in the sense that I don't have the time without giving up one of the following: time with my kid/time with my husband/time with ME/ one my few pleasures(blogging and sleeping).
I can't do it all. I don't even really want to, if I'm honest.
I don't clean my own house–thank god for people who like to make their own hours. I do straighten up and do dishes.
I don't drop my kids at school, I don't make all the dr appointments (thanks honey for yesterday). I don't exercise regularly and you can tell.
I don't organize play dates for my kids and I don't have people over.
I'm imperfect and that is exactly how it's supposed to be.
thank you for saying it so well.
Great follow-up and the Tina Fey bit is a perfect fit. I recently gave up some of the things I was trying to do that were not making me happy just to have a little less money and a little more time to keep me happy so I can do all the other things well. Here's hoping it works as making sure there is some happy for me is important too (or so we've all learned).
Now THIS is my kind of post! Thank you for not doing those things. And it's the bedroom in our house too.
My kids are alive and well and my house is fairly clean and we have friends over every now and again. If you call that “doing it all” then yes, I DO!! ha ha ha!
I love Tina Fey's response too. She's just so cool. And real. I think it's all about keeping it REAL.
Love this post, because — as all good writing does — it reminds me that I'm not alone. It also reminds me that I shouldn't freakin' try.
I don't clean my house.
I rarely cook anything more complicated than pasta.
I serve my kids zone or balance bars for breakfast (actually way better than most cereals, the kids love 'em and if you throw a handful of berries on a plate next to one, it's actually a breakfast not to be ashamed of)
I cut my own hair. Mainly my bangs.
I have even done my own bikini waxes. Yes — I am crazy. And yes — ouch.
I don't get pedicures — I use that stuff that dries in under a minute and often just keep heaping on new coats of polish because who has time to remove the old ones?
I don't have sex with my husband nearly often enough.
I color my own hair — usually just using that root touch-up stuff every three weeks. And while it sits on my head, I get work done in my home office (of course).
I don't play games with my kids as often as I should and do let them watch too much tv because I'm too exhausted to argue with them.
I don't go out with friends as often as I should because… I'm too exhausted and would rather chill on the couch and watch an hour of mindless tv before bed (usually while folding laundry because my 10 year old daughter has whined about her lack of clean clothes).
I don't shave my legs very often. (this from the dark-haired woman who has waxed her own bikini line… well, yeah, I'm full of paradoxes, but who isn't)
I don't hold in my temper as often as I should…
I don't remain patient as often as I should
I don't call my mother as often as she'd like
I don't get to more than half of the “art projects” I plan to do with my kids, even if I've bothered to buy all the supplies
I don't cry often enough — because when you do, it really does let out all the poison and stress you've been holding back. Instead, I let the anger build up until I wait until the kids and husband aren't home… and i hurl something breakable against a wall while screaming at the top of my lungs. No, it is not ideal. But… I am working on it.
Again — loved your column.
Thank you for that! I am heading back to work in the fall and am a little bit frightened at the attempts to balance stuff! My daughter & I are checking out daycares together and suddenly I am torn. However being at home has been a luxury I know I will miss.
I appreciated your take on reality!
I often say that having kids acts like a big filter on your life. You find out what really matters to you, because those are the things you keep doing. The details are different for everyone, but everyone filters.
I don't go to all of my kids' pediatrician appointments, either. I don't feel bad about that. Their father is perfectly capable of talking to doctors, too.
I get my haircut once every 6 months, at best. It has a simple style that takes about 3 minutes to do. When that stops working, I braid it until I get around to going to the hair stylist.
I don’t get manicures or pedicures, but then, I never did. I wear very little makeup. Just mascara and, when I remember, powder. But again, this predates the kids.
I don’t buy clothes that need to be ironed, because I don’t iron. My shoes are horribly scuffed, and I just don’t care.
I don’t watch TV or go to movies. My internet time is very focused. If my husband didn’t tell me about the latest cultural memes, I would never know about them.
I still read, but not very much. I keep up with my book club, sort of, and that is about it.
I don’t take lunch breaks. I eat lunch at my desk, working (with a short break to read my blogs).
I don’t go to networking events anymore. I try my best to keep up with my current professional network, but I’m not actively growing it. (This one makes me nervous- I work in a volatile industry, and my network is essential for finding my next job.)
I still exercise, but only once a week.
I don’t clean my house. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford a housecleaning service and I’ve finally convinced my husband that they should come twice a month. We still do some cleaning, but not much. Most days, our living room is overrun with toys and our office is a mess of papers. We only tidy up the night before the cleaner comes.
I cook, but I keep it simple. If it can’t be done in 30 minutes or less, it isn’t a weeknight meal. I make unapologetic use of convenience foods like packaged tortellini and jars of pasta sauce. (I have an infrequent series of posts on my blog called “Dinner during Dora” where I share my recipes.)
I don’t do much yard work- that is mostly my husband, and we try to keep the maintenance simple.
We live in a small house so that we can keep our commute time down. We now wish we’d bought an even smaller house closer to work, so that we could have a 10 minute commute instead of our current 20 minutes.
I buy just about everything from Amazon. I don’t go to Target anymore. I don’t care if it would be cheaper.
I’m sure there are more, but those are the big ones, and this comment is already too long.
We're supposed to do it all?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!
No, really, I was raised in a home where my mom always emphasized that it wasn't about doing everything, it was about doing your best at what you did decide to do. So that's what I do. I don't always have my cleaning done and I am constantly cancelling plans at last-minute because I forgot about them, but I pick a few things and I throw my everything into them. Mostly, that's just being in the present with my daughter.
And I'm okay with that. I wish more people were.
None of these comments are too long (or too short) and they're all wonderful.
I think it's fascinating to see what each of you give up. And more so, which things you care about and which you don't.
Looks like clean floors is today's loser.
Like the above poster, I don't wear anything that has to be ironed.
Or dry cleaned.
I don't cook gourmet meals. I feel accomplished if they're remotely “balanced.”
I don't scrub my baseboards every week anymore.
I don't do weekend & late evening appointments with clients anymore.
My shoes are always scuffed.
I forget to wear perfume.
I color my hair from a box versus spending the time & money in a salon.
I don't exercise on a regular basis.
I'm a solid 30 lbs overweight.
I don't watch television. I don't have shows that I watch religiously anymore & I don't have DVR to make sure I don't miss them.
I don't go to every pediatrician appointment.
Sometimes I do laundry & let the husband take care of the kid's bath versus doing both.
& while I could probably make it myself, Etsy is a fun addiction.
Oh my gosh. Yes! Yes, yes, yes. To not cleaning enough, to not always cooking, to not always being the parent at the doctor visit, etc., etc. Thank you for this post and the previous one. I think SO many of us moms are feeling this way.
I just left my baby diaper-less on the floor to read this. And he peed everywhere. I cleaned it. But I think it was the first time that patch of floor has been washed since we stopped hiring cleaners a year ago. There are so many things I don't do. But they just aren't worth sacrificing the things I do do for.
(And it needs to be said that the word I have to type in is “poodon”. I'm all kinds of glad that's not what just happened to my floor.)
Dear Liz, thank you so much for wiring this post. I think all people whether or not they are parents can relate to this. “We busy people, we prioritize. We make concessions.” This line said it all.
I also noticed that a lot of people wrote exercise as being the one thing they give up when they become parents. As a personal trainer I want to remind all the busy people of the world that it's never too late to start and something is better than nothing. Sometimes 8-10 minutes does more than an hour. Have you heard of Tababta training? It is a form of HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). You can do a ton of Tabata workouts at home in 4-16 minutes. Tabatas are among the most fast and efficient way to burn calories and fat, far superior to steady state cardio on the elliptical or treadmill.
All the best,
Sara
Oh gosh. As a mostly solo parent (God I hope the single parents don't skewer me for that) who is also a full time student, I do what I can, when I can. And sometimes studying or an essay has to take priority over the fact that we have pretty much lived out of the dryer since Christmas holidays. My 12 year old is an amazing help – amazing – and I'd much rather spend my spare moments rewarding him for that by playing Catan or watching a movie together than folding laundry!
I keep saying to myself that my kids are only kids for a short time, and dirt never ages. So dirt can wait. (Plus we have a dog who cleans up the kitchen floor like a dream.)
No one's ever asked me how I “do it all.” I wonder what that says about me.
— This year, with kids in first and third grade, I've been taking back time for myself, and time for my husband and me to be together. It's working out beautifully. The kids are fine; they're happy and they turn their homework in on time; and I am fine, too, at last.
I admire those who juggle so effectively, but worry about those who present an airbrushed existence to the world. Something has to give! Thanks for being so open.
I'm so happy you are writing these posts. I worked full-time in-house for a long time, and then switched it up to work from home, but will be going back to work full-time in-house 9-5 starting in May. I know there are soooo many things I won't be able to do anymore.
Like:
Drive carpool….i.e., be at the school to drop off my kids and pick them up…you know, that facetime with their teachers and their friends, etc. I like that. I will miss that.
Laundry. no question. I will NOT miss that.
(whispering) I don't do many, many of these things and I also:
*Don't work.* Gulp. I win? Lose?
I would very much like to put pediatrician visits on my “don't” list.
More seriously, I liked both of your posts and I think we should all make lists of the things we do. In this group, that would be an impressive list.
You know, I think I'm going to list all of the things I don't do. I think it will make us all feel better, me included.
I don't take tub baths anymore, I don't even paint my toe nails because of the up keep, I don't wear foundation (takes too long to rub in), I pay someone to clean the house when I can, I will probably get reamed for this but I don't steralize bottles-just wash them, I cook fast meals, wow, I could go on forever…loved the post
I don't beat myself up for all the things I don't do. I'm “doing” stuff all day long, so if a few things fall through the cracks, I figure they weren't that important to being with.
Brave post–and very important, since we tend to see others as more capable than we!
My dad worked as an electrician at a paper mill. One day, he was to accompany a new employee to see a CEO. When she expressed her anxiety, my dad answered, “He puts his pants on the same way everyone else does.” And this put her at ease, of course. My dad can be quite profound.
This one's tough, because I think my husband left me in large part because I stopped “doing it all.” I can now let a sink full of dishes sit for three days if my kid wants me to play a board game, or if we want to go swimming, or if there's a scary part in the movie and we have to sit together; he just couldn't handle that. I really like Cloud's comment about filters. I guess I'm just sad that it was my marriage that got filtered out.
There is one mother who does it all. She lives in Oak Park, IL. She is heavily medicated.
Liz, this post is just one more reason why I dig you. You write all the stuff down that we all have swimming around in our heads. You and some of our mutual mom blog pals and cool celeb moms like Tina Fey keep me sane, you really do. Or close to it.
So glad that there are some moms who call bullshit on the whole idea that women can “have it all”. I can't believe it's 2011 and we still have to spend 3 seconds doubting ourselves because of the INSANE standards set by—I don't know who—that there are some women who can do it all.
I'm kinda pissed at those 70s feminists who insisted that “yes, we can have it all.” Clearly, they were high, or shitty moms, or not moms at all…it's taken 5 years, but I'm finally getting sorta used to mediocre. I no longer have 150% to give everything. I just have a little here and a little there to spread around. Also, unlike those crazy bra-burners, I need my shit held up. So, there you go. Also, I graduated from Barnard.
Ah, but maybe there is a distinction to be made between having it all and doing it all.
We may be parents, but I have never thought that meant we have to be servants.
I have a wise mentor who opined, “We can have it all, but not all at once” and “it's a marathon, not a sprint – you have to pace yourself”, and I've come to understand that there will be seasons in my career and in my life. I don't take many photos of my kids and I don't do a good job organizing the ones I have online or printing them and framing them. Oh, and I'm the mom who missed her kindergartener's first Christmas pageant due to a long-planned out-of-town presentation. Other than those two things, I don't feel too much guilt over the other stuff I don't do.
The most important thing I remind myself to give up, every day, is giving myself a hard time.
I don't stay up on music. I listen to classic rock and nineties alternative and tell people it's because I like it best, but really it's because I can't find the time to discover who is making good music today. Sigh.
Mom…if it were not for Google Reader, I would not know about you.
I often have to tell my daughter to play by herself for a little bit because I'm busy, even though I spend the rest of the night feelings guilty for not playing trains or ponies or barbies with her. So I make a promise to myself that I will say yes every time she asks toplay the next day. And then the baby wakes up about a million times that night and by the time morning comes I need a pot of coffee just to keep one eye open and instead of energetically playing with my daughter that afternoon I turn on Dora and doze on the couch because I just don't have any energy left. Then I feel guilty and the whole cycle ctarts again!
It's nice to think that we can prioritize and put the most important things at the top of the list but truthfully some days I don't have it in me to do those things that mean the most to me. And other things – like taking out the trash, making dinner, making sure we all have clean underwear, etc – actually do have to come before things like playing with my kids a lot of days.
I laughed when a friend asked me once how I do it all — she was getting ready to go back to work after being home with kids for a number of years. What I told her was: “It's a major balancing act, and usually something ends up getting the shaft on time and attention. Try not to let it be you or your family. Your house, on the other hand, will not take the lack of attention personally.”
So I still cook and bake because I love to do it for me and for my family. And I've taken up exercise again because I feel so much better when I do (also I can feel a little less guilty about what I do cook and bake).
But I don't iron (don't even own an iron).
The floors in my house could all use a good scrubbing or vacuuming. In general, I clean when things get icky enough that I can't stand it any more. Though I'm trying to be better.
My stack of recipes is a disaster — really need to organize them in some fashion. I have so many that I've printed or pulled from magazines just sitting in the pantry next to the cookbooks.
I rarely get prints of photos. And I'd really like to make photo albums for the kids to flip through. I loved doing that when I was a kid.
I rarely read books. I barely make it through the newspapers and magazines that we get.
I've stopped going to all the doctor's appointments.
And so many more things that I could add that it could easily become very depressing. But instead I'll remember that I need to focus on doing those things that are good for my family AND for my soul and mental health; and if other things slide on occasion… well, no harm done.
I can't stop reading these comments. I love them.
Also…Leanne is a genius: “Your house, on the other hand, will not take the lack of attention personally.”
Pure genius.
These are great comments and actually therapeutic for me to see how much others don't do. I struggle with balance daily (hourly actually). Things I don't do:
– I don't clean the house. We've made room in the budget for a cleaning person to come every 2 weeks.
– I don't do the kids laundry. That's on my husband.
– I don't read as much as I would like to.
– I don't exercise regularly, and my health is starting to show it.
– I don't go to the movies. And I'm usually too tired to even watch one at home.
– I don't make the bed.
– I don't balance my checkbook.
– I don't buy anything that needs to be dry cleaned.
– I don't keep things organized – at home or work. Although everyone thinks I'm organized.
– I don't make it to every after school event.
– I don't delegate enough or say no enough (see balance issue above).
Ahh, I feel much better now!
I don't read the New York Times. I don't read anything but the front page and the opeds of the local rag.
I don't wash windows or dust.
I don't give my dogs as much love as they deserve.
I don't write letters.
I don't volunteer.
I don't do my kids' school projects. They do.
I don't have as many friends as I once had. I mean, they're out there somewhere, but I don't actually see them.
I don't fold kids clothes. We have baskets and shelves.
I don't worry about it. Mostly. Life is amazingly wonderful and I'm so lucky I get to make these choices.
I don't write about what I don't do (harms my phyche
Like so many parents, I just shuffle those priorities each morning, make sure the important stuff comes first (hugging the kids, etc.) and throw some ideas of 'balance' in there along the way (things that keep me happy and sane).
I hardly ever cook anymore. And I've only recently found the motivation — and time — to cook. Is it worth the time I spend with my baby? Absolutely. But it's not easy working a full-time job and being a mom. Would that I could afford to quit my day job.
Although I never expected that I'd be able to “do it all” as a working mom, the struggle of trying to do just what needs to be done has caught my by complete surprise. There is no balance between work and home. No balance between my responsibilities and my husband's responsibilities in caring for our 1 year old. What don't I do? A lot of things I used to love. I don't cook anything that takes longer than about 45 minutes (on a really good night). I don't exercise. I don't take my dog for walks. I don't pay attention to the news. I don't email my friends or even call them. I never have people over because my house is a wreck and I have no time to cook. I miss my old life, but I love my son more, so I guess that's the only balance I'm going to find.
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