Last week, in one of the highlights of my year (and okay, life), I was honored to sit down in a small group of New York-based writers over lattes and lemon pancakes, along with Anna Quindlen. She is only one of my all-time favorite writers, and possibly yours too, if you’re a parent who writes. As Lisa Belkin so aptly put it, Anna’s 1980′s New York Times column, Life in the 30′s was in a sense, the very first mom blog.
It was like one of those Chinese Food conversations–the kind where you ask a million questions, get a million answers, and no matter how much information you consume, you’re still hungry for more a moment later. I could have gone on forever if the other women at the table didn’t have their own questions too, damn them.
We talked social media (Anna promised her children she’d never join Facebook). We talked women in the newsroom (there were none). We talked career accomplishments and Philadelphia accents and how great Lisa Belkin is; stay-at-home dads and the joys of public schools, the New York Times paywall (a good thing) and why teenagers aren’t so bad after all. And of course, we talked about her new novel Every Last One, which is, so far, exquisite. And then as we segued into the old life-work balance mythology conversation, I asked her about a topic that’s been on my mind for a while: entrepreneurial women.
Or specifically, female entrepreneurship when you are the primary earner of the family.
I have so so few people to talk about this with. And what can I say–Anna reminded me of my mom, in the best possible way. So I just sort of blurted it out. And it’s been on my mind ever since.
I am in a relatively unique situation. I’m not only doing my best to follow my bliss with my website, my writing career, and my advertising career, but I have to feed my family through it all. Nate brings a lot to the household, but a fat paycheck isn’t one of them. So when people ask me how I “do it all” (a misnomer If I ever heard one–I certainly don’t do it all. You see all the things I do, but you do not see all the things I don’t do. But that’s another post.) my first thought is often, well, what should I give up then?
Every day I struggle to find the balance, not just between work and home, but between work and fulfillment. Between security and passion. Between the bills I have to pay, and the whole living my dream thing that we daughters of feminists were promised in the 70′s.
As Anna pointed out, working mothers are acceptable and accepted today. In fact more mothers must continue working now because of the economy. One-third of all US households now have a woman as the primary earner. And yet, she reminded us, we still do more of the housework and household management. This is nothing you don’t know, my friends; we still send the thank you notes, manage the playdates, buy the birthday gifts, sign the permission slips, plan our own Mother’s Day brunches, kiss the boo-boos, attend the PTA meetings, redecorate the kids’ room, and fold the laundry, all while reassuring our husbands and partners that they’re valuable too.
(Okay, you got me. I don’t fold the laundry. A girl’s got to delegate something.)
In other words, one-third of us are bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, then washing the pan, and earning the money to buy a new one when that caked-on crud simply won’t come off.
Every so often I find an advertising colleague in my boat, and we shut the door of my office and in hushed whispers, describe the fears and the burdens and the exhaustion and the secret, horrible anxiety of what ifs. But in the blogging world, women like this are either far and few between, or we’re simply not discussing it. Maybe because we’re so busy “doing it all?”
So I want to talk about it.
I want to say that it’s hard.
I want to say that I’m tired. A lot.
I want to say that there are inherent challenges when women have more financial power in a relationship. Your partner either has to be wildly confident in himself not to resent you…or, well, he’ll resent you. I only know how it works in our household, and I’d say at times it’s a little of both.
I want to say that sometimes, I feel more in common with working dads than working moms.
I want to say that mothers face the kind of parental guilt when they work through dinner or miss a ballet recital for a business trip that fathers will never know.
I want to say that I love the “you go girl” aspect of women in business, and I adore those women who push others to follow their dreams, do their thang, explore their passions, quit their dayjobs and write that book/start that website/build that app/launch that consultancy. But I want to hear from those women who did it as single moms. Or as women who didn’t happen to marry hedge fund managers. Or as women who don’t have rich families to fall back on should Plan A turn into Plans B, C and D.
I want to say that my mother was right when she said “Life is a series of choices.” And that you always give something up to get something else.
The best you can hope for is not to be the crane in that Aesop’s fable, the one with a mouthful of grapes who sees his reflection in the lake, then drops all his grapes in an effort to grab more.
I want to say that despite all this, I’d do it anyway. Because even though it’s counter to the old adage, what I do, in a lot of ways, is who I am. I’d imagine a lot of entrepreneurial women feel the same way.
This week, I’m thrilled to be honored at the Advertising Women of New York Game-Changers Luncheon. I’m going to be sitting side by side with captain-esses of industry who are going to share their accomplishments and encourage us to take risks, initiate change, and forge new paths. But I will be also quietly imagining what unspoken challenges they faced on the way up.
And I will sit back thinking of Anna Quindlen, and the other amazing, presumed do-it-all-er moms of the world, and wonder when we can sit down and really, really talk.
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I have given up looking for that 'balance'. I'm a working mom, and I find it VERY hard. Mostly, the guilt of leaving my boys to go to work. However, I do need to work. My writing provides me only a small income, and even though it's my greater passion, I still have to head into the office every day to bring home the real money.
Every time I see a mom with her kids out and about when I'm at work, I get depressed. Then again, come Sunday night… I'm sometimes ready to go back to work. Sigh.
What a wonderful post. I'm lucky enough not to have to feed my family with my “salary” which is the ONLY reason I was able to stick with it long enough to start actually earning something. It's a whole different ballgame when you're the one bringing home the bacon, and I admire you for it.
Thanks for this post – so many of your thoughts resonate with me. I'm in the same boat as the breadwinner in our household and it brings with it all sorts of issues that I didn't really imagine in beginning. I too get lots of comments/questions about “doing it all” and recently wrote a post that candidly talked about my work-at-home rhythms and then things I have learned along the way: http://aliedwards.com/2011/01/daily-work-at-home-rhythm-things-i-have-learned.html
And I love Anna Quindlen – how awesome to have a sit-down conversation with her. She's very inspirational.
I think that the farther we move from the old furniture polish ads of the fifties, with women in heels and an apron with the finite needs of the household and their charges on their to-do list, the harder it is to find parallels that we can articulate.
I used to complain that not having a tangible product or identifiable skill made it harder to take pride in what I did. Now I struggle with not being recognized as a business owner, not fitting in with stay-at-home moms, not fitting in with 40 hour a week work-outside-the-home moms and, not being able to say to my husband or my dearest friend that they really get where I am coming from.
The liberty of creating form scratch a life—profession, family, passion definitely carries with it the expense of something else, a normalcy.
I love hearing you say that it's hard, but there is another very real part of me that winces. Because this is hard and you do need to take a breath and let that out, but doing so translates to having to climb back up on that horse and get going again. And it is so damn hard, but then I think that it's the challenge that keeps us coming back.
Damn, Liz. I hear you. I really do. (I fold laundry but I delegate playdates.)
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I want to +1 them all over the place.
Amanda, I think you nailed it. Forging new paths can be wildly fulfilling and horribly lonely at once. You all provide essential company.
I'm with you too. I am a WAHM but also the primary bread winner as well as primary taker to swimming, doctor appointments and playdates. I have to travel for my job quarterly and luckily have a great support network that makes it all possible.
That said, I've chosen a much less lucrative path than was possible with my JD, but one where I am present as much as I can be. Even though I love my choice, I still worry about money, balance, time and all the what ifs.
I'm in a weird in between with few colleagues, but confident that this is the best choice for our family right now as odd and lonely as it can be. I love that there are others “here” that share my experience and thank you for rounding us up.
I live this situation too. It comes with pressure and guilt, but I like it this way, particularly in comparison to the traditional marital dynamic I witnessed growing up. I believe that I'm setting a far better example for both my daughters and my son.
Briliant post. Thank you for your honesty that this IS hard. You opened the door to a dialogue that needs to begin.
I think it's also important to recognize the fact that there are so many women who leave steadfast careers behind, taking a risk to chase that dream (which may never come to fruition) who in turn, end up having to sacrifice along the way as well. Any way you slice it, being a working mom is the toughest job on the planet since we are in the midst of working to pay the bills, raising families, maintaining the home and trying to keep up with our own dreams.
I hear you loud and clear. I knew the choice I was making when I married a ballroom dancer. I don't regret anything about our life, except the nagging suspicion my husband might feel he gave up a dream so we can build our life around my job. I am incredibly lucky to have a stay-at-home husband who is really good at parenting and house-ing. But it's a weird power balance, it just is, and while I feel proud and empowered to be the breadwinner, I also am acutely aware of that weird ancestral gender-based wiring that whispers from time to time: “this is not how it's supposed to be.”
Thank you thank you thank you! My husband is a full-time student, and we have a 3 1/2 year old. I'm exhausted from working, keeping everyone happy, making sure they have food to eat, cleaning up after them, etc.
My only saving grace is that in 2 years, he'll graduate and hopefully get a job that pays more than mine so that stressor will fall away.
http://alittlenosh.blogspot.com
Stephanie, I love that your husband is a ballroom dancer.
It's good to hear from others who are working as the primary breadwinners with a stay at home dad/partner. On the one hand, I've never worried about the kids at all while at work. I know they're getting the best possible care with their dad.
But I do worry about balance, although in a different way. He does all the cleaning and most of the cooking too. I might work on the thank you notes, but he does pretty much everything else around the house. And I worry that I'm taking advantage sometimes.
But a single working mom? I have no idea how they do it. None. I'm exhausted all the time and I don't do laundry or dishes. I'm in no way a “super mom”.
For me, the thing that ends up getting short shrift is… me. And that's a weird thing to say when I created a career out of nothing, as a single mom, without a safety net. Shouldn't my success there be wildly fulfilling to me? Sure. It is. And it isn't. Because my friendships suffer in all sorts of easy-to-predict but also really-surprising kinds of ways, because there's only so much of me, and my kids/job/husband/house/etc. all come before me.
HELL YES it's hard. Anyone who says differently is selling something or lying to themselves.
Angela, I wonder if working dads feel guilty about not doing more around the home. I'd venture to guess not.
And thanks Mir for bringing up the old “I come last” point which is so so true. Also for using my favorite Princess Bride quote.
Yes, this is a great post because it is hard, really hard sometimes. My husband is pursuing his own business while I hold down role of breadwinner along with everything else. I often find myself wondering when it will be my “turn” to pursue something I love and not just make sure I earn enough and have medical benefits. I want to support his dream, of course, but I also want a chance for myself. But I am so busy with being a Mom on top of working that I don't even have time to figure out what my dream is.
I am not the primary breadwinner in my house (not even close), but I do feel the same tugs of balance and the questions about 'doing it all' simply because I work and have 4 kids.
But the income I am bringing in has changed the dynamics a lot in our house, and after 12 years as a stay at home mom, we are totally struggling to find the right balance now. It involves lots of sandwiches for dinner, and ignoring the piles of laundry right now.
I have written about it on my blog because I literally get asked EVERY day about balance. I decided I don't believe in balance anymore and just throw myself at what is most important and the rest just falls aside. I do make time for the kids and the hubby first though-that's my only must.
I would love to see a meme where we all list all the things we don't do. It would be insightful and hilarious I'm sure.
You married a chef, Stephanie married a ballroom dancer and I married a musician turned freelance rock critic. I hear you that it's hard to find other women who are the primary breadwinners for their families, but we're out here, following our dreams and ambitions and worrying not only that our kids will regret us not playing room mom but that one day the ideas will stop coming and so will the paycheck.
Long before we ever had kids we knew that I was the person in the relationship that had the higher earning potential. Thankfully my husband thinks that this is fantastic and has never had a problem with me earning more than him.
After having my daughter and moving, I hit a rough patch in my career that just now seems to be leveling off. It was a big adjustment. While I still make more than my husband, it is not a lot more.
I totally get where you are coming from when you talk about balance. That is why my tag line is, “Finding the balance. Mom. Work. Life.” Because I know that is something I will always be looking for as long as I'm a working mother. Something will always have to give. Right now it is my house. (I really am an atrocious housekeeper.) I'm lucky that I have a husband that is a huge help. But I've learned he helps because I ask, and then I stand back and let him do it. I don't expect him to adhere to my standards or do things the way I would. After learning that and accepting it things got easier.
But all of that said, it is still really hard. Regardless of my job or my paycheck or my career or whatever you want to call it, I'm still the mom. And the mom is the one. I'm the one that is responsible for all of us. It is hard. And exhausting. And some days I feel all used up. But I keep going. Because that's just what moms do.
But it is so nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you for bringing this subject up. I wish more people would talk about it.
Oh Lord, yes, this is HARD!
My partner of 14 years left me in a cloud of mental illness, paranoia and anger almost one year ago and, whilst I'd always been the primary earner (often the only earner, let's be honest), suddenly finding myself responsible for EVERYTHING is, slowly, killing me. I work one full time job from home and one part-time job teaching (so the hours fit around schools and stuff). I deal with everything to do with our home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school stuff, homework, PTA, activities, playdates, birthday parties… EVERYTHING.
I feel like “me” has totally disappeared: I have no social life – even when the girls (aged 9 and almost 7) are with their dad (afternoons, etc. never overnights because he lives in a bedsit) I tend to stay home, watch DVDs or sleep – no hope of finding “someone else”, more debt than you would ever believe and, as of a couple of months ago, the obligation to pay my ex 38,000 € or have to move. So yeah, this has been a HARD year.
But I know I'm strong enough to get me and my daughters through to the other side. What scares me is that most likely what'll fall by the wayside indefinitely is “me”.
Thank you for showing that there are many, many, many of us struggling like this
This? This is hard. It is hard because I love my children and want to always be there for them when they celebrate achievement and when tummies hurt and only mom hugs will do.
I work outside my home. So does my husband, (I am the higher earner). We enjoy being able to give so much to our children because of the salaries we receive for our work.
Also? We actually really like our jobs. I love what I do. I love using my brain like this. I enjoy my work and the difference I am making to my community.
How do I do it all? Well.. I don't. I can't. And yes, it is hard. And I am tired too.
And some times I sit at my desk and cry, because my baby is sick and I have an important meeting to lead and so it is my husband's turn.
But really? When I really think about it, my life is wonderful. My floors are dirty, there is clean laundry that needs to be put away and the clutter has taken over the dining room table… but I'm outside tossing a ball around after work with my kid. And I stopped feeling bad about it.
For me? I just say I can't do it all and feel ok about just doing the best I can.
This is an awesome post, Liz. There is so much I could say on this topic, but I won't because (1) it would make my comment as long as your post and (2) I'm at work, supposedly just taking a quick look at my RSS feeds before I dive into the crisis du jour.
So I'll have to come back later and read the comments and maybe say more.
Right now I'll just say- YES. I make more than my husband, and while his income is nothing to sneeze at, we rely on mine to the extent that although I'd love to make some changes in my career, I can't do that without figuring out the finances.
Sometimes I want to scream- “OK, I'll put my dreams on the slow track and squeeze them in around my 'real' work, parenting, housework, and all that jazz- but could I at least get a solid night's sleep while I do all that?”
And the answer to that is, “NO.”
I wish I could remember where I recently read the opinion that asking “how do you do it all?” was one of the rudest questions you could ask a working mother.
She's either going to have to say something self-deprecating or something that implies the asker doesn't measure up. Either way it puts her in an awkward situation.
There are quite a few challenging things about parenting or working while parenting that we should be able to talk about without being accused of whining or being told to suck it up (or worse that our choices were wrong).
I'm lucky that I really like the company I work for. I don't feel guilty about working, but I do sometimes feel unable to do anything outside of work/parenting. I have an ill friend I owe a visit to, but I just can't make the trip down to CT for a day, because it will take too much time away from my kids. That's the kind of stuff I feel guilty about.
I own a small business and I have two small children. One of my children has developmental issues. Also, I have spent the last two years losing 150 lbs or more. To say I am tired at the end of the day would be an understatement. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it all. I try not to give in to those feelings because at the end of the day my life is what it is. I can't change it. I can't change that very few people care if I am tired, sick, hungry or sad. I still have to do what I have to do. I can't change that when my children need me I am often not there. It helps that I have friends that do understand that are also working mothers. It helps that my husband allows me to be the control freak that I MUST BE in order to keep it all going. It helps that I have the knowledge that I am doing the right things for my entire family. When I am too tired to read “one more story” with my little girl NOTHING helps. I go to bed feeling guilty nearly every night of my life.
Liz – This post really resonated with me, especially the about the inherent challenges when women have more financial power in a relationship. And how because I am in this role in my family, I too feel like a working “dad” sometimes more than feels normal. I am so glad that you raised this, it's so true, and it's something that rears its head in my own relationship, sometimes more in an unspoken way. -Alexandra
thank you.
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a working mom is harder. I am a stay at home mom. My son is going to be 2 this month and my daughter is 7 months old. I can't imagine doing everything I do at home and working a full time job on top of everything else. All of you moms who do it are incredible to me.
Lisse, THANK YOU for that.
Recently, on a panel, I was asked that question and it was horribly uncomfortable. I mumbled through something self-deprecating followed by an “it takes a village” reference.
Awk-ward.
In my short marriage (3.5 years), I've always been the top earner; and for all but the last 10 months, the only earner. Things let up some last year when my son was born and I was being paid via maternity leave EI, so not actually having to leave the home. Recently, shortly after I found out I was pregnant again, my husband and I separated, and he first wasn't capable of contributing to our family income, and now hasn't made an effort to contribute. This change in our relationship had me returning from maternity leave early and now I am one of those things I swore I'd never be: a single, pregnant mom working full-time. I wake my darling son up early every weekday morning and cart him off to daycare, where somebody else gets to enjoy his enchanting little self all day. It's HARD. Not that my work is that difficult, not that I don't enjoy my job, but it's totally different being at work when you're a mother and you leave your baby with someone else, then when you just go to work. And while my money-earning job ends at 4:30, my mothering job begins then – there's still supper, laundry, cleaning, walking the dog, bathtime, bedtime, up a couple times at night….
I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for and I'm not complaining because I feel this is my lot in life for this time of my life and I'm blessed to have the opportunities that I DO have. But sometimes it's good to be able to let somebody know what I do, to make this work, to take care of my son and unborn child, to make the best of what I have. It's nice to have someone recognize that there are women like me out there, struggling along and making what little happiness we can, for ourselves and for our children.
I love this! As a brand new solo practicing attorney and a single parent, finding that mythical balance is next to impossible. I'm blessed to be able to control my schedule, but that means I'm also my own hardest taskmaster. Right now, I network during the day while my daughter is at school, read, research, and seek out guidance and clients. At night, I put her to bed and then start my work up again.
What I have found regarding balance is that it is a seesaw rather than a steady line. Some weeks I'm working long hours, some weeks there is a lull in activity.
The essential element to my success through law school and up to now has been the unflagging support of my family–parents, siblings, aunts, and cousins–who are always there for us. I shudder to think how much more stress we both would have if they were not close by. I am frequently asked by acquaintances and strangers, “how do you do it?” in amazed tones. My response is always, “I just do. I have no other option than to press on.” That little girl relies on me and has complete trust in me that we will be OK.
this is a great post. I'm not a mom but I have looked at these issues from a public policy perspective for many years and I can say this: we really do very little to support entrepreneurship in this country. we do even less to support women entrepreneurs. we do still less to support mom entrepreneurs. I think that's a shame.
I think you deserve a lot of credit for raising such an obviously sensitive issue.
Your written unspoken truths of mothers dissects the complex world of life refreshingly. This living thing is not easy for anyone, yet alone for women seeking and saddled with numerous roles.
I enjoy your voice. Keep up your energy and irreverence.
I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to read your post. I work full time outside of the home and it's hard. It's so hard. My son is 1 year old and I hate every morning that I have to drop him off at daycare. I never feel like there's enough time on the weekends.
The worst of all of it is both my husband and I want to have another child sometime very soon but something has to give in order for that to happen for us. I would give almost all of my salary to child care if I had to pay for two kids and it would just suck even more than it sucks now. Something needs to change for us but I'm kind of afraid of that and don't know how to make it happen.
Thank you for this post. I often shake my head in amazement at how hostile the conditions are for juggling the reproductive and productive parts of our lives. When I was sitting in my university class 20 years ago learning about class/gender/race inequalities, I really had high hopes for the future. Now here I am in the future and I am saddened, NO, change that — ANGRY — that not much has changed. Yes, let's talk more about these unspoken topics.
This is great. I am a single mother on a middle class income. If I had any sort of financial support at all, it would be great, but I don't, so I teach classes, I write sponsored posts, I do whatever I have to do to make sure I can pay for daycare (more than my housing expenses!), clothes, foods, and fun stuff like tumbling classes!
I'm up at night working when my daughter is asleep writing because that is my passion. I realize it's important for me to keep myself inspired in order to be able to inspire my daughter. It does get hard. REALLY, really hard. But, I'm a mom. Making things happen is what we do.
Although I am not exactly on the same boat, thank you for writing this post! I quit my advertising job to raise kids full-time. Losing the paycheck caused an identity crisis. So much so, that I began working from home because I needed to balance my choice with finding “fulfillment.” I'm not the primary breadwinner, but I still feel like I'm trying to do it all.
Hats off to all the wonderful “mothers on top.” I admire each one of you.
Thanks for giving me this post … today, of all days. I feel like the “dad” in our family. I bring home the bacon, but my DH does most of the nurturing work, such as cooking or bathtimes. This kind of gender role-switching can often make me feel inadequate or guilty. And yet, I can't see us living our lives any differently. It's nice to talk about it though. So, yeah, thanks.
This was a great post Liz.
Sometimes I think the idea of balance is just that, an idea. I know I'm missing something. Maybe lots of somethings.
My situation is different than yours, although I used to be in the same one as you. I always feel like I'm missing things. I always feel like I'm just barely making it. Like my entire life is passing before me, while I work. My house is livable but never clean. My laundry is clean, yet never put away. My children think grilled cheese is a home cooked meal. I too, am always tired.
Yet…
Each night (whether they are with me, or with their dad) I know my children are happy. I know they are healthy and bright. They are so loved.
Maybe that's what's important. That we do the best we can and we make the time we have count. Not that we can do it all, but that we do the best we can.
I'm a working single mom. I work in a somewhat high-level corporate position with a Fortune 100 company. This post resonated so deeply, I took an early lunch hour (which typically, I never take) so I could just go sit in my car and cry. You hit it dead on. Adding to the fact that all I want to do is be a writer, and I spend as much of my 'free' time writing as possible… but with kids in elementary, middle and high school, all actively involved in academics, music and athletics… free time is a painful misnomer. Free time is spent following up on doctor's appointments, paying bills, running to the vet's office, folding laundry, cooking dinner, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. The point is, working mothers, whether primary breadwinners or not, still do a majority of the work at home in addition to their careers. And it can be lonely, hard and frustrating… and I don't think that is dependent on your marital status.
Thank you for giving voice to what so many of us live, day-to-day.
I really love this. My husband got laid off when I was pregnant. Even though he had unemployment, I was obviously significantly out-earning him and that's still the case. The odd thing? I kind of resent him sometimes. Because he's totally cool with it. And of course he is! I pay for our insurance, I pay for daycare, I buy all the baby clothes and incidentals. I have to say, having that responsibility means I am also responsible for MANAGING those bills, keeping them manageable. And it's just EXHAUSTING! Kudos to you for writing this and starting a meaningful dialogue.
So glad you are not only talking about this, but getting to talk to other women who understand, and being honored for your incredible work…and self.
What @zoesmom said. My husband makes more money, but since it's his own practice, he doesn't get paid time off, sick days, or employee-provided health benefits. So I'm back working full time, paying through the nose for daycare. I don't want to be a full-time SAHM — I want to work part time. Why isn't that an option in corporate America??
Oh yes. Just yes. It is so hard. And we don't talk about it. For me, because I feel like by talking about how I make more money, do more housework and child care would somehow be disloyal to my husband. I know he “wants” to make more money, to be the man that provides more than enough for his family – he just doesn't, so I work and have the better paying job. And that's OK because he's the one to come home at lunch and see our kids, while I use lunchtime to pay bills, go to meetings or the grocery store.
It's not equal. It's not easy. But it is what it is. I can't do less – can't work less, do less with the kids or less around the house – because then my kids would suffer, my husband and marriage would suffer and I would suffer. So, I keep going… day after day, thinking that that's just what big girls do. We do what we have to do so that our families thrive.
But it would be nice to get some credit for it. As all mothers should – not just those bringing home a paycheck, because you're right… every decision for something is a decision to give something else up. Moms who stay at home or work part time are giving up something too.
And now that I've left you a long, rambling comment, I'll just say again that I loved this post. And I'm so glad to see someone with the guts to say it outloud.
Thank you all so much for honoring me with your stories.
I agree Krista – a lot of us don't talk about it because it seems disparaging somehow to our husbands or partners.
Mercedes, thanks for sharing that with me. Hang in there. I think single moms are the heroes of the world.
Liz, I totally hear you on this — now that Jon has left corporate, we are more balanced than your and N's income arrangement, though I definitely feel the pressure to step up my earning, particularly since J has gone the poorly paid mental health counselor route and ideally wants to start leading retreats in remote yurts…
But anyway. I think there are a lot of unspoken truths on both sides of the fence due to the judgment factor that comes in either way. I think here particularly of my mom, who has always been a very strange mix of super traditional (she took housekeeping to new heights by ironing my dad's boxer shorts) and modern (she did all the “man” things that my dad did not — such as driving the family car, handling all the finances, etc., while caring for 7 children). I love my mom tremendously but I feel judgment for working too much (because, you know, it cuts into the ironing of the boxer shorts time…) yet I think if I was not working, she (or someone else) no doubt would cast some judgment.
I suspect the best we can due to break down these barriers is to keep talking (or writing excellent posts such as this one) and admitting when we are depleted. The other day, after squeezing in billable work whenever Violet was sleeping, giving Laurel her one on one time as soon as Jon came home, tidying the house, and making dinner, when it was time to “go to sleep” (in quotes because I currently am bedding with a 3 week old) and I was dreading nursing off my left boob because of bad latch issues, I finally broke down sobbing and let Jon see how goddamned spent I was.
In my ideal, all is well world I would have liked to be superwoman there and hold my shit together, but the next day, he took the girls so I could sleep in and made me a latte as soon as I woke up. I can't speak enough to how those small gestures helped.
Point being: no one will make kind gestures unless we show the cracks in our armor.
Thanks for this post, Liz. I have nobody in real life to discuss these issues with and refreshing to see some discussion on the topic.
I wish I had something more insightful to say, but I too am tired. And scared. Starting in July, I'm stepping my career up and meeting my husband in salary. I will no longer be able to pinch hit for the team the way I have been for the last 5 years. And I'm not sure that he knows how. So where exactly does that leave things? How exactly do we do it?
AMAZING POST LIZ! As the sole money-maker in my house… I loved reading this. Thank you for putting this out there. My husband works his ass off in many other ways and he is the sole reason I'm still able to do this b/c he provided for us when I was trying to build something out of nothing. I applaud this post!
Audrey
Liz, I don't really have anything else to add to the conversation except to say that Anna Quindlen is also one of my all-time favorite writers. Her column “Life in the 30s” was one of the reasons I started my blog. I missed my opportunity to be a columnist because, well, life happens (marriage, a business venture/failure, two kids, a divorce, single motherhood, a remarriage, two more kids, and so it goes). I hope my daughter has an easier time achieving that balance that we all strive for.
@Lisee: the article you're thinking of was written by Tina Fey in The New Yorker about 2 months ago. When I used to get asked how I did it “all,” I would say something along the lines of “I don't; what makes you think I do?” Or I'd ask the person to define “it all.” But I like a side of snark. I think it's more insulting to ask people if they're having more kids.
I think balance is relative; my balance is probably not the same as anyone else's. I used to work full time because even though my husband earns much more than me, he's self-employed and has no benefits or health insurance. So I did the corporate thing, commuting and everything, to have healthcare and tax deductions. And I used to cry every time my son came home from preschool and said “So-and-so's mommy came to school today. When are you coming?”
Then I lost my job in November, mostly because my boss got tired of me, and now I'm an accidental stay-at-home mom. The scale has tipped in the other direction because now I can volunteer at school, pick my son up at 3 instead of sending him to aftercare, make dinner, etc. But while I do not miss THAT job at all, my brain is slowing melting away while I try to figure out what to do next. So much for balance.
I think the worst part of it for me is that my former boss was a WOMAN, who had worked fulltime herself while raising kids years ago. And instead of being supportive, or at least empathetic, she chose the attitude of “I made it work; you have to figure it out.” The low point came when I realized that my daycare at the time was no longer safe, and I ran out the door to get him out of there. She sent me an email later in the day telling me she was “uncomfortable with my lack of a Plan B.”
Me too, lady. Me too.
It's ALL hard. But we can make things easier on each other.
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