Why I Will Never Win Mother of the Year

1) The bottle stays out all night. It’s just easier. Two bottles on the nightstand before bed = a few more minutes of sleep for me, and I’ll be damned if the so-called bacteria build-up (or whatever) isn’t worth the tradeoff.

2) The five second rule? It’s like a 97-hour rule in our home, sometimes longer. If it falls on the floor and isn’t coated entirely in dog hair, it goes back in the baby’s mouth.

3) The F-word

4) The MF-word

5) The GDMFCS-word

6) I cannot snap those pajamas more than once a night. I just can’t. She needs a diaper change after getting ready for bed? The pjs will remain unsnapped, the legs flopping around uselessly like some sort of 80’s Issey Miyake creation.

Mama, my feet are cold and you hate me!

7) The number of times she’s fallen off the bed so far: Six.

8) That I know of.

9) The crib that’s been used one night and one night only. Which also explains why she keeps falling off the bed.

10) The dirty baby jeans that keep going back into the dresser instead of the laundry. Then every Friday, after laundry day has come and gone without their inclusion, I shrug and think, Eh, what’s one more week.

11) The television. She shows no interest in it, unless this video is playing. And yet when we’re in desperate need of a little free time we find ourselves urging, “Look Thalia! Look at the big red dog! Don’t you want to watch the big red dog? C’mon, watch the doggie! Watch the doggie!”

12) The fact that we’ve done, um, things in front of her.

13) The fact that this list is not nearly over. Not by a longshot. No way, no how.

{Comments Off on Why I Will Never Win Mother of the Year}