Imagine for a moment that you are a fly on the wall of a small conference room in a boutique hotel in midtown Manhattan. You are watching a small panel of big blogger muckety mucks who have gathered to discuss moms and the internets.
If you were that fly, you would have seen very funny things and laughed very loudly. Does a fly even laugh? Are you on crack?
Okay, just go with me on this.
First, you’d see Mom-1o1 making a bee line to meet Greg of DaddyTypes, all gushy and starstruck (me, not him). You are the first blog I ever read! You’re so funny! You’re such a good writer! You know MetroDad in person? You’re so cool! No way, you use the word “the?” I use the word “the!” Let’s be best friends!
Then you’d see me babbling to Shannon of Phat Mommy, ohmigod I’ve read you! So cool! I’ve sent real-life friends to your site!
Then you’d see a table full of crazy accomplished alpha-female bloggers introducing themselves to the group:
“Hi, I’m Danielle of Celebrity Baby Blog. We get 60,000 hits a day and are on every blogroll ever. If we aren’t, we have so much power, we can just hack into your blogroll and add ourselves.
“Hello, I’m Samantha Ettus. I’m published many times over, know many famous people and have just started blogging at Modern Mom. I also have the nicest arms you’ve ever seen in the history of female arms.”
“Hi everyone, I’m Liz Thompson. I blog for a zillion sites including BlogHer and This Full House, and fourteen webzines, plus I have four gorgeous kids, and still found the time to get this fabulous haircut.”
“Hey there, I’m Victoria of SavvyMommy. You may recognize me from my insanely popular website, my upcoming magazine, my many tv appearances, and the fact that I look like a supermodel. Even after kids. Two of them. Also? We give away like free Lexuses on our website. Just so you know.”
Then there’s me.
“Hi…I (mumble mumble) it’s called Mom-101 and um…I started it because I was on message boards a lot and…arpfoleoshpol eols polspoeththh ooh pee booboo caca…hey wait, do you guys know Kristen? From Motherhood Uncensored? She’s kind of famous. Because anyway we have this website Cool Mom Picks and it’s kind of cool…um…Yeah. Forget it.”
So despite me dialing up my internal nerdometer to 11, I might have made a couple of friends. Which is really nice considering the fact that I felt like I had no business being with this group in the first place. But don’t worry, I overcompensated for that by making sure to ramble a lot about the internets and chat rooms and blogs and I have no idea what else.
And I wasn’t even drunk.
When my mouth was not spewing gobbledeegook, it was inhaling Pepperidge Farm cookies. Hello, an entire plate of Pepperidge Farm cookies–dude, free Pepperidge Farm cookies–and the only ones partaking were Greg and me.
BlogHer isn’t going to be like this, right? I mean, you people do eat, don’t you?
Okay, so what have I learned from this lesson (I ask you, the hypothetical fly on the wall)? I think that I should stay the hell away from cookies at BlogHer, maybe roundtable discussions, and most definitely Alice. But I think I will go for the free cocktails. At least then I’ll have an excuse if I slip on any of the above.