A Few Gifts I Won’t Be Buying Despite Online Marketers’ Attempts to the Contrary

The shameless use of Christmas to plug pretty much any product or service under the sun has certainly reached a new high–or low?–this year. It seems there is no marketer that won’t stoop to the “C’mon! It’s Christmas!” tact as an effort to dig into your pockets. And when you hear it from me, you know it’s an issue. Because I don’t entirely mind the commercialization aspect of the holidays.

Sue me, I like shopping.

Starbucks makes a peppermint flavored mocha latte, fine. Dunkin’ Donuts has some special transfat-laden treat with green and red sprinkles? Cool. But some of the suggestions I’ve gotten via email these past few weeks give me pause.

An Equifax 3-in-1 credit report
“Give your loved ones the gift of good credit” should probably have been written to read, “give the recent graduate in your family a passive-agressive message that he’s been needlessly squandering his future savings on itunes downloads and Budweiser tall boys. Ho ho ho!” Besides, if your loved ones are really that worried about their credit ratings, don’t you think they’d probably prefer a check?

A Lowes Holiday Gift Card
It’s true, nothing does say Merry Christmas quite like $100 towards vinyl flooring.

Super Vi@grA for $1.99 a pill
Sorry, Beulah Mayes and Lorelei Nguyen and Harlene Natty and Clem Lamb and Silas Ortiz and Adela Honeycutt and Oconnell and Puff Peyton. We’re good in that department. See also: My belly.

(Puff Peyton. Heh.)

Danny Schecter’s new film, In Debt We Trust
I love you, media channel, but really? Seriously? The movie that’s been described as a wake up call about the dangers of debt as the national deficit climbs and millions of Americans deal with the pain of higher interest coats, growing fees, higher mortgage expenses, rises in student loans, and a wave of foreclosures as the housing market dips downwards? Sounds…uplifting.

I guess the liberals are ruining Christmas after all.


Just because “Jesus” personally sent me an email, does not mean I’m buying name brand drugs from him at an 80% discount. Even if it is his birthday.


23 thoughts on “A Few Gifts I Won’t Be Buying Despite Online Marketers’ Attempts to the Contrary”

  1. Ha! I just got an e-mail asking me to review a how-to guide on midlife for women.MIDLIFE? Do I need to change my blog picture or something?<>Gah.<>

  2. I don’t know… some people might think super-Viagra is a fine gift indeed. Probably not a woman who is more than three months pregnant though.

  3. I would LOVE a Lowes gift card. But then, I’ve been hopelessly domesticated and really want to paint our powder room.But as I posted last week – what is up with people giving razors at Christmas? My in-laws even gave my husband one, and he never uses an electric razor.

  4. A film on the deficit? That brings out my liberal leanings, as I remember those horrid days after September 11th, when the message given by our fearless leader was to go shopping. Shop, or our stupid hyper-consumer economy will completely fall apart. Shop, or you’ll lose your job. Shop more than last year, more than last week, or we’re all screwed. Can you tell I’m still just a bit pissed off about that? Schecter probaby made that depressing ass movie just for me.Now excuse me, I have some shopping to do. For me. Gifts are done. 😉

  5. Jesus sent you an e-mail?I mean – I knew your blog was pretty popular, but WOW! You’re not even a Christian, are you? Wait, maybe he was just trying to get you to convert.

  6. Apparently I look like I should be giving the gift of PORN this Christmas, judging by my email. Which, what??

  7. Maybe Jesus thought you needed a little religion thrown in with your Vi@G4a and C!alI$. Just a thought. 😉I’m with you, Christmas commercialization has gone a little far and really I love to shop too so I shouldn’t care. But the reindeer vibrator ad I got this morning was a bit much. I’m not sure I need a glowing red nose and antlers in my vibrator thank you very much.

  8. You won’t buy my drugs? But my drugs are heaven-sent! I mean, literally – sent from Heaven. An 80% discount is a Christmas miracle, that I can guarantee. And what will you get me for my birthday, if not another sale to ring up? And you may inform Sarah that I do NOT want you to convert. I just want people to stop calling me a bad salesman.Sincerely,Jesu, Joy of Drug Advertising

  9. Oh, yes, Jesus-the-drug-pusher offered me some Viagra and ‘other specialty items’-at half the cost, no less!Whew… I feel Special…Yeah. I found it mildly entertaining.

  10. ok, i am a complete saddo, because i’d be totally psyched about the Lowes card, yup. sad.the Viagra people, on the other hand, can shove it. (heh. shove it.)

  11. *looking around nervously* Um, we received a gift card from Home Depot. And I rolled around on it in unbridled ecstasy I was so happy.Also, you get email from Jesus? Lucky.

  12. Hey, wait…gift card from Home Depot and Lowes topped my “in my head wish list” LOL.But…we’re remodeling. And will be. For a long time to come. The $100 GC we got for my husband’s birthday is going towards some new light fixtures (like half of one I mean ha ha ha).The rest are ho…ho…huh?LOLAnyway, by my email, I need to sign up for a signles club for Christmas so I can have a date by New Years. 😉My husband is real intrigued about that. Me? Not so much. Until Hot Latin Lovers emailed me. I think that was Jesus too!

  13. What’s Christmas without a little passive-aggressive gifting? When we’re being nice around here, we call it a “developmental gift” (like a business book), which should be balanced by a really foolish and unnecessary toy, like an Xbox 360.

  14. OMGosh… if you get a Lowe’s gift card and hate it – will you send it to me? I’d TOTALLY LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!

  15. You are hilarious!We did buy someone a Home Depot gift card…because they practically live there and will be remodeling their home for the next 15-20 years. *lol*

  16. Hilarious… I won’t be buying any of those either.It reminds me a few years ago at Valentine’s Day there was an ad to buy your loved one a vasectamy. Because nothing says “I love you” like I’d like to take a sharp knife to your you-know-what, right?Not that I’m not a fan of the vas… I’m just sayin’… weird “gift”.

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