What I Did Not Do Last Week in LA

-Canoodle with George Clooney. Or George Foreman for that matter

-Share a Pinks hot dog with Pamela Anderson

-Go underwear shopping with Britney Spears

-Eat dinner out of my hotel room once

-Pull up next to Paris Hilton’s new Bentley convertible, and show her how the gas gage works

-Call anyone I knew in an attempt to socialize

-Score tickets to an impromptu David Bowie jam at a small club in Los Feliz

-Stay awake to catch the last 20 minutes of Jesus Camp on pay per view (So what happens at the end? Does the rapture come? Does the mullet kid make it to heaven? Do all the Jews get annihilated? I must know!)

-Get close enough to Joan Collins to see the frightening contrast between her face and neck

-Sleep past 5 am

-Score an invitation to the Golden Globes

I did however get to witness this very awesome conversation between a woman who pushed her way to the front of the half-hour line at the LAX Burger King (But I’m late! My plane is already boarding–you must let me through!) and the girl at the register.

“I’m late for my flight. What can you make for me quickly?”

“What would you like, ma’am?”

“Well a sandwich of some sort for the plane.”

“A breakfast sandwich?”

“Just a chicken sandwich would be fine, thanks. No lettuce.”

“I’m sorry, it’s breakfast until 10:30.”

“So no chicken sandwiches?”


“I can’t just get a chicken sandwich?”



“Yes ma’am, I’m sorry. It’s only 7:15 and we’re still serving breakfast.”

“Okay, then. I’ll have a burger.”

“I’m sorry ma’am no burgers. It’s breakfast time.”

“Can I have cheese on it?”

“I’m sorry – we don’t have burgers until 10:30.

“No burgers? But this is Burger King. Absurd.”

“Would you like a breakfast sandwich?”

“Can I get a burger on it?”

“No ma’am. Just what we have on our breakfast sandwiches.”

She sighs audibly and looks around at the crowd–the crowd of people who let her cut in line in the first place–searching fruitlessly for sympathy.

“Okay then, how about chicken. Can’t you just put that on the biscuit?”

“No ma’am.”

“I’m late for my flight. We’re already boarding. I just wanted a sandwich.”

“Why don’t I get you a breakast sandwich.”

“I suppose that will have to do. Such a shame.”


Here’s what I did do when I got home:

Opened my door to find a squealing, beaming, gorgeous little 18 month old girl running toward me screaming, HAPPY! HAPPY!

Ain’t motherhood grand?


24 thoughts on “What I Did Not Do Last Week in LA”

  1. it sounds like a robert altman film, in negative.did you start humming “Little Fat Man” next to the obnoxious sandwich lady?

  2. When you’re as pregnant as you are, it kind of takes the fun out of doing all those “L.A.” things dosn’t it?And how cute about your daughter — it makes it all worth it when they give you a greeting like that! Now if they would only stay that way through the teenage years….

  3. Happy! As much as I don’t want him to grow up, I am so looking forward to hearing Rylan say “I love you, mama” and now, “Happy!”Welcome home ~ I’m glad your prego self made the trip safely. Even if your hotel was a dive.

  4. Isn’t business travel just AWESOME? Sometimes you catch of glimpse of the world in all its splendor, and sometimes you get the Chicken Lady.Welcome home.

  5. Yes, truly a damn shame about no chicken at 7:15 a.m. I think after the trip you had, I would have throat chopped that woman.

  6. The excited hugs and the look on their little faces when you enter a room after being absent are so much better than burgers and chicken sandwiches, aren’t they? I will never grown tired of those energetic hugs…

  7. impromptu Bowie gig? Man, that would have made my millenium. And he was Sixty this weekend, did you know? I have a thing for a sixty year old. yup.Glad the homecoming was lovely:) When you moving?

  8. Wow, that must be the second best welcome home possible. George Clooney doing the same thing being the first of course.

  9. Hotel rooms and conference rooms – so exciting! The Burger King girl was amazingly patient, as was the rest of the line.

  10. All the worst things about LA are concentrated at LAX. That Burger King scene is classic. Too many people here have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Ugh.

  11. Why do people in a hurry think they’re entitled to our sympathy and understanding? My favourite saying in the world is “if you’re looking for sympathy, sweetheart, you’ll find it in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.'”

  12. You are a lucky woman.When I come home from a trip, my lovely children roll their eyes and whine about me coming home soooo soooooon.I’ve taken to reminding my ungrateful chitlens that I squeezed them out of my vajay-jay after untold hours of pain and agony and that they must worship me.So far, they are not listening…

  13. There’s nothing like the love of a little one. Don’t you wish you could just eat her up?!Welcome home.

  14. I’m sad about Clooney, CRUSHED about Bowie, and loving that woman for being so FULL OF HERSELF, and the BK woman, for keeping calm. Amazing.Motherhood is indeed grand. 🙂

  15. Happy happy indeed. Next time you’ve got to schedule some George canoodling though to make the trip more fun.

  16. That means you missed mullet boy having a conversation with none other than Ted Haggard, when he was still leading a congregation and gay-bashing.

  17. What a terrific way to come home! I’m surprised the chicken lady even knew when her flight was boarding.

  18. i did all the things you didn’t, LOLyou should have tripped that bitch. the burger king one.

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