The Battle of the Bottles. (Or Bottle of the Battles?)

Blogging world: I love you more than Kit Kats I love you more than I loved Nicolas Cage in Valley Girl when I was 14. I love you more than I love Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School Starring Mo’Nique, and that’s saying something.

Close to 100 wise moms and new favorite people have chimed in with their supportive tales of bottle woe and bizarre but effective feeding techniques. I’m glad now that I’ve narrowed down the solutions to either definitely give Sage formula or definitely give her breast milk or a combination of both, possibly with brandy (Thanks Mrs. Q). And I should definitely feed her myself or otherwise someone else should definitely feed her. And it should definitely be done while she’s cradled very very close. Or held at arm’s length. Or placed in a bouncy chair while I sit behind her with my hands wrapped in blankets. Definitely.

Also, the nature of the issue can be pinpointed to either my breast milk, the temperature, the bottle, the nipple, the feeding technique, her digestive system, her age, the smell of my clothes, or as Phoenix understands, Sage’s birth sign.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.

I have read every one of your bottle suggestions, taken notes, and even sent my mother off to the dreaded Big Baby Stuff Store while I worked last week to procure “one of each.”

So far the oddsmakers in Vegas are giving the Playtex whatsitcalled with the condoms inside, 2:1 odds as the favored bottle. Sage latched right onto the nipple which feels so remarkably breast-like that I’m sure Bill Maher would get off on it, even if he did complain if I whipped one out at Applebees. She only took about a half an ounce but that’s a start.

But there may be two dark horses in the race. Thanks to the very progressive VDog and Anniemom and Dee and for recomending the non toxin-leaching adiri nurser. If it’s not genius marketing to call it a nurser instead of a bottle, I don’t know what is. And then Laura, Blog Antagonist, Crunchy Domestic Goddess and Bub and Pie suggested the Breastbottle. Seriously, have you seen these things? They could get you thrown off a Delta flight for sure. I’m going to try both.

And if all else fails, there’s always Jaelithe’s fantasy solution:

Male lactation.

It’s hard to believe, but I only got one weird lactivist email from an Uber-Boober, oddly presented as “support.” And it had lots of CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis, as in “I delivered at the NUMBER ONE hospital in the nation for breastfeeding.”

NUMBER ONE, people!

The gist of her email was that “it’s not human nature” for a mother to work a 9-5 job (Ha! If only it were 9-5!) and that I should just try to enjoy this beautiful, beautiful time and not give Sage a bottle or else.

Or else what?

I swear this is what the email said:

-She’ll take it out on me when she’s 13
-She’ll grow up to be a juvenile delinquent with a gun
-Like a kitten separated from its mother too early, she’ll pee on my walls.

I wonder how my e-mailer will feel when I make the big “I’ve weaned, and Sage isn’t even 5 years old yet!” announcement.

Edited to add: I’ve received a heartfelt apology from my emailer insisting that she was just joking. Apology accepted. Moral of the story: Breastfeeding is hard. Comedy is harder.


37 thoughts on “The Battle of the Bottles. (Or Bottle of the Battles?)”

  1. Oh I love it, you’re cracking me up. I swear we Taurus’s are stubborn. You may as well learn it early on. 🙂A condom filled bottle seems wrong to me, but what the hell do I know. I hope it works out for you. The not human nature biotch should get a clue. I’m sure the world she lives in is pretty and filled with unicorns. Oh and thanks for the link.

  2. Oh, my. A gun totin’ 13 year-old wall pee-er. I suppose that’s what I am as I was bottle fed.And I guess my kids are guaranteed to be hunky dory because I nursed them. But…if you’re nursed by someone messed up by being bottle fed does that negate the benefits?Maybe we should ask that LACTIVIST.

  3. That Breastbottle was THE best idea – who came up with that? I’m going to get one for my hubby!!! tee hee!Hope one of those options works out!

  4. ok so i just stumbled upon your blog and i am so happy. you are hilarious! and truthful! everyone’s advice so different so certainly can you tell me when to cut the baby’s hair for the frist time? this is mom 101 correct? 🙂

  5. That is too funny. Well you should just breastfeed forever then, you don’t want her to pee on your walls. It is a killer to get out.

  6. Wow. Well, I know the boys DEFINITELY pee on the walls; the girls, it tends to just puddle off the edge of the diaper table. So you’re probably safe.

  7. I hate it when you get “advice” from people that basically doesn’t apply to your situation or your question. Usually the sleeping/nursing advice that is something, just enjoy this time. Yes well I think we’ve already established that THAT is not currently happening but thanks for your wisdom. Sheesh!I actually went back to the poisonous Dr. Brown’s bottle. I figured some milk with chemicals is better than no milk. Now I have a whole other problem on my hands, geez can’t this kid just let me rest for a bit.

  8. Uber-Boober. Ha! I went to a breastfeeding support group once and was asked how old my “nursling” was. Um, it felt very Lord Of The Rings, somehow…

  9. Do you know what this means? <>Do you?<> This means that every student I come in contact with who is rebellious and peeing on my walls HAD BREASTFEEDING ISSUES.God. Now I can just tell their parents that and be done with it. Excellent.

  10. Once again, I am pissed at myself for throwing out those Playtex bottles that both of my girls loved. I will never ever find another bottle that a baby of mine will drink from, and I will spend the first three years of this new baby’s life with an extra appendage.Oh my god. Hyperventilating. Send the uber boober my way.

  11. Hi! I’m the uber boober! And I admit it… I am NOT as good a writer as our darling Mom-101 hostess… But she obviously missed my sense of humor. Sorry. Truly. No caps! Glad I could amuse you, give you something to talk about and get ruffled over! Have fun!!

  12. No matter where she gets her nutrition from it’s gonna all be your fault whatever questionable behavior she comes up with for the next 18 years anyways. You know that right? It’s all your fault, or rather, it’s all going to be your fault, so just find what works for you and go with it.

  13. An Uber Boober? My dear, I have seen you, and if you aren’t an Uber Boober, I don’t know what one could possibly look like. And Anonymous, if you were truly the Uber Boober, great job. But, really, will my kids start peeing on the walls? Cuz, I just got the cat to stop doing it, and I don’t think I can go through it again.

  14. HA! Uber boober. That was truly funny, even though I am in theory if not in practice, an uber boober myself, by virtue of my crunchy granola birthing beliefs. You know what? All they really care about is that you love them. Any problems there? No? I didn’t think so.

  15. Sounds like everyone gave the same advice, if you sum it up… “keep trying and you’ll figure out what works for you, because you’re a great mom who loves her kids”.Hope you get some sleep along the way:)

  16. Well, I was formula fed. Perhaps that explains the smell in my home. I guess I can stop blaming it on the cats.Seriously, dude, those breast bottles are super cool! Just think of all the stares you’d get! That alone might make it a worth while investment.

  17. Hey, the brandy could be for the both of you. When I started reading the comments on the last post, I thought your head may explode. Even with my two, it took polar-opposite approaches to get them to take a bottle. Just goes to show ya. Babies are nuts. And motherhood is damn hard.Today I took Phe to her 4 mo. checkup. I’m so exhausted by her inability to nap and desire to nurse all day that the pedi suggested, hey– maybe she’s hungry. So we got to try rice cereal today. Man, I thought she may bite off the spoon. Phew. She ate it so fast and smeared it all over her face that it looked like I was trying to paper mache her head. May be worth asking your pedi about– it may give Sage a little bulk so that she’s not so ravenous between feedings? (And the gals will take everything out on us when they’re 13, no matter what!)

  18. Wow. All I can say is that I am wishing you the best of luck. I hope something works, soon. I work from home and that suits me…so I have no advice on getting her to the bottle. I can only use my imagination to understand how freakin’ crazy this would be driving me if I were in your shoes…and I imagine I would be scaling the walls.

  19. can I be an uber-boober if i can spray milk across the room? i SO need an uber-boober t-shirt. also, mrs. q: your paper mache head baby story made my morning. where is the link to your blog?

  20. You need to do what is right for you. So good for you for buying every bottle/nurser out there to find one that works for you!Oh, and I agree with Mrs. Q, those girls will take EVERYTHING out on us around 13 no matter if its breast or bottle. God Speed…..

  21. Did Bossy mention lately how relieved she is to be old-as-a-frigging-grandmother and nursing absolutely no one?

  22. I blame formula for my husband’s personality defects.Although I suppose that was way better than getting milk directly from his crazy mother.I suppose I should thank her.“I was only joking” — that’s the greatest cop out ever. Comedy is hard. Very hard indeed.

  23. More than Nic Cage in Valley Girl?!?!?!I’m sorry what else did you say?😉Good luck…it’ll all work out.My sister has four kids and one was a total NO BOTTLE PERIOD kid so she went out for the day and Dad and Nana babysat and when she got home? Magic! Baby is bottle trained. And Mom had a great day. Maybe that will work for you. 🙂Julie< HREF="" REL="nofollow">Using My Words<>

  24. You crack me up. Which is good because your boob troubles are making me break into a cold sweat. I don’t really need a second kid, right?Sorry I can be of absolutely no help. (At least I’m in good company.)

  25. Oh, man… I hope we don’t have problems this time around. We’re due in 40-something days. We got lucky with LA Toddler, but you know what they say about luck? It can jack your shit up.

  26. I’m the most impressed that you spelled Definitely so well. I could only spell it because i cut and pasted it from your post. i hate this word, can not spell it HATE!

  27. I figured she had to be joking. Pee on the walls? Seriously?I doubt that’s a cop-out, because dude, it is undoubtedly hilarious.

  28. Ding ding ding! Playtex was our winner too. But only with the old-style nipples they don’t sell anymore.I considered those breastbottles too, for about 13 seconds until I realized I’d never EVER whip out one of those things in public. My own boobs, sure. But that thing? No way.

  29. Maybe men would be more willing to lactate if we reminded them that they could play with their own milk-enhanced mammaries.And did anyone tell the men about the burning up to 500 calories a day thing? That’s, like, a whole free slice of cheesecake, boys.That breastbottle is tres awesome. Looks hard to clean, though, doesn’t it?

  30. Wash the walls with Lemon dish detergent — no cat will pee on them — with any luck, Sage won’t either.

Comments are closed.