How to torture your husband

starbucks_lattePlease note, I do not advocate actual torture of one’s beloved in any way, either physical, psychological, or otherwise. However should you be bored one Sunday morning, and a Shirley MacLaine marathon is not available for immediate viewing, this should suffice:

1. Ask him nicely to go to Starbucks to get you a coffee.

2. Tell him you’d like a “Grande Vanilla Latte.”

3. When he winces and spends way too much time explaining how uncool and embarrassing that is, respond with, “Okay then..make that a Half-caf Grande Vanilla Latte.”

4. Enjoy your day!


35 thoughts on “How to torture your husband”

  1. Please. Any guy worth his salt has already picked up assorted feminine products for his wife in the past. This is a cake walk. I mean, coffee walk.

    1. Evidently having to ask for it out loud somehow makes it more humiliating than slipping a pack of Tampax slyly in your CVS basket under the sunflower seeds.

  2. What is it with men and buying tampons? Do they fear that people will think they’re going to use them themselves to feed their mad, insatiable tampon habit?

  3. Admittedly, I totally don’t get it. Maybe my husband is especially shameless? Or maybe he also likes “feminine” coffee drinks? (whatever that means) But it’s definitely fun to torture husbands, whatever variety that appears in.

    1. I guess I just happened to breed with an anti-Frappucino, old school, black coffee from a French press guy. I think he’s also picked up some snobbery from years working at hipster East Village restaurants where ordering anything decaf is like asking Daniel Bouloud to cook with margarine.

  4. Just read this out loud to my husband … who responded with, “That’s what I drink.” HA! No embarrassing him!

    1. Stand near a counter in a Starbucks sometime Korinthia. Just ten minutes during morning rush, and listen to the orders. Best thing ever.

  5. Hahahaaaa!
    Get this: Decaf Soy Hazelnut Latte WITH ONLY HALF THE HAZELNUT.

    That, my friend, is evil.

    It’s also…MY HUSBAND’S ORDER. It’s so awful, he’s too embarrassed to order it himself. If you can imagine.

  6. Hahah! Next time you guys are in LA, I will make Nate take you to “Handsome Roasters.” You can only order two things. The vanilla latte is not one of them.

  7. How to torture your husband after you’ve tortured him enough –
    “Oh, Honey. I really wanted it sugar-free too…But I guess I’ll drink this.”

  8. I feel stupid ordering my favorite: venti soy green tea latte, unsweetened and hot (or cold, depending on the time of year.) There should be a privacy screen for ordering, like at the pharmacy.

  9. Hilarious! I’m a big fan of the Starbucks drive thru, not only for convenience (don’t disturb the sleeping baby!) but then your order is between you and the barista 🙂 btw I’m a decaf soy cinnamon dolce latte drinker

  10. If you torture him long enough, he will cave in and buy espresso machine. Then you have him make you espresso in the morning. And bring it to bed… Wait, was this supposed to be torturing-husband lesson? Oh, I might have missed the point. But I got my espresso!

  11. I knew I had to marry mine when he ordered me a Sex on the Beach. His ears were red, but he pretended not to mind.

  12. Grande Skim Latte with extra foam with a splash of cocoa! Gosh, I don’t think my husband could even remember all those words!! Haha!

  13. My husband drinks an iced grande skim caramel macchiato. every time. our local starbucks barista knows his drink. i pointed out that the skinny caramel macchiato has fewer calories so he could always order that (though it does contain splenda) but he felt that would sound too high maintenance so he won’t order that.

    also, he gets his drinks iced and i get mine hot, all year long. so when we go together, one of us usually looks a little strange – which one just depends on the time of year.

  14. If this is torture, sign me up. 1) Ask me to leave the house Saturday morning (you mean a chance to walk outside without the kids for a little?); 2) Give me a request that I can easily screw up (thereby possibly requiring a *second* trip out of the house without the kids?).

    Two can play at this game. I hope you enjoy your half-caf soy vanilla latte.

  15. Love it. My poor husband spent the fall ordering me “Tall Pumpkin spice latte, half syrup, non-fat, no whip”. Because he loves me. 🙂

  16. My husband would GLADLY do this, in a heartbeat. His drink is actually a grande vanilla wet cappuccino. They even know his car in the drive-thru. I personally get a drip coffee or hot tea cause spending $4 on a drink annoys me to no end. I’d rather eat something.

  17. I knew my husband reallly loved me when he went by himself to get my Starbucks drink (Venti 1-pump whole milk extra hot no whip mocha) without complaining. And when they made it wrong. He gave it back. Now that is LOVE! I plan to train my sons to do the same.

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