Forty weeks.

Forty whole weeks–plus a few days, come to think of it–and not once did I take advantage of the remarkable opportunity Baby Plus Prenatal Education System offers pregnant women to “give their babies a head start.”

A head start.

With prenatal education.

From the website:

BabyPlus is a series of 16 scientifically designed sounds that resemble a mother’s heartbeat…

This “auditory exercise” strengthens learning ability during the developmental period when the advantages will be most significant for a child. BabyPlus is the first educational tool designed for prenatal use that has been proven effective. BabyPlus children have an intellectual, developmental, creative, and emotional advantage from the time they are born.

Oh man, bring on the mommyguilt. I did not give my daughter an intellectual, developmental, creative and emotional advantage by strapping a fanny pack on twice a day and playing whale sounds into my gut. Which means…she will be disadvantaged.

Goodbye top preschools.

Goodbye college scholarship.

Goodbye Nobel prize. I think I’ll miss you most of all.

The testimonials on the website are my favorite part. Apparently, thanks to the BabyPlus, little Bailey Sky latched on right away! Ryleigh shares with her friends! Camdyn sleeps through the night! Calen never cried except when he was having gas!

(You can only hope that with their above-average intelligence, that these children will not grow up to work at Wal-Mart, as their names might indicate.)

I just want to see one testimonial–just one–that says:

My little Haydyn was as dumb as dirt. So for baby #2, I decided to try the BabyPlus. I’m happy to report that little Brit’ney Heather (pronounced Ether–the H is silent) has mastered chess at 20 months even while her five year-old brother is still struggling with Candyland. We owe it all to you, BabyPlus!

The crazy thing? They’ve sold 100,000 of these things since 1989.

I’m in the wrong business, readers. I needs to gets me some snake oil to sell.