Most afternoons these days, I race through the delightful Chelsea Market, grabbing a sandwich or a cup of overpriced Hale & Hearty to slurp down at my desk in the four minutes I’ve got before I’m snatched away to the next EMERGENCY OH MY GOD IT’S AN EMERGENCY at work.
In that time, meandering the long corridor of the historic building and peeking my head into the various storefronts to learn daily specials and tempt myself with evil thigh-enhancing confections (I’m looking at you, Fat Witch Brownies), I pass tables of parents.
So many parents.
It’s not tourists so much now that the holidays have passed, but the chic West Village mommies getting a little fresh air and human contact with their newborns nestled into Bugaboos and Stokkes. It’s a trio fresh from a mommy and me class, trading stories over Chicken Caesars while their toddlers race around in front of them, high on Rice Krispie bars. It’s scruffy-faced stay at home dads, dangling eco totes filled with fig jams and artisanal breads from their elbows and a baby strapped to their chests. Or sometimes it’s that brand new mom, bleary-eyed and unfocused, pushing a pram back and forth from her chair with one hand while clutching a 16-ounce latte for dear life in the other.
And I’m jealous.
Every time I stare at one of these mothers, in her perfect clothes with her perfect hair, settling in along the brick walls with a child dancing on her knees I think, what I would give not to be racing back to the office right now. What I would give to be here instead with my girls, sharing a croissant or teaching them about the 30 kinds of cheeses at Lucy’s Whey.
And surely, one of the moms looks at me and thinks: What I would give for a whole 10 minutes to walk through these halls by myself. To peek into the shops without navigating a stroller through the crowd. To avert my eyes for three seconds without the fear that my toddler will throw herself head-first into the waterfall.
And I think: The sound of giggling, shrieking children is so much more appealing right now than the sound of desk chair wheels rumbling through the halls and the industrial Fiery printer belching out PowerPoint decks.
And she thinks: The crying. OH the crying I’m going to have to listen to later after having kept the baby out a whole hour past her naptime.
And I think: Ah, to be a stay at home mom with a hedge fund husband so I can plan my day around hot chocolate outings.
And she thinks: Ah, to be a mom with a job that requires me to wear fancy shoes and use four syllable words and get through an entire day without hearing Elmo’s voice or someone throwing up on me.
And I think: I’m missing moments with my kids right now. I’m missing memories.
And she thinks: I’m missing myself.
And the funny thing is?
When the tables are turned and I’m the one sitting and eating and child-wrangling and mommying, the conversation in my head goes the exact same way.
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Thank you all so much for the incredible comments, and for honoring me and this community by opening up and sharing your own stories here.
Also, thanks to Schmutzie for including this post in the always wonderful Five-Star Friday roundup, and to BlogHer for syndicating it on their own site.
149 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one
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Oh, Liz, I hear you, I SO hear you. This is beautifully written and perfect.
It's just too bad we don't all admit this is how we feel instead of taking swipes at each other in the supposed Mommy Wars.
Yep, yep, and yep. On all points.
Yes.
Absolutely.
It makes me sad that we miss so many moments while we wonder what they other moments may have been like.
Amen sister! There is a little coffee shop here in town that is always filled with moms and their babies. When I go in to grab my latte or lunch, I just want to yell – I have two babies too! But then I'd just be some lunatic lady yelling in their faces, and that is not attractive.
Don't we need to enjoy and savor any moment? No matter what that moment is? Cause it can change in an instant.
Awesome points. I've always talked to my friends about this; I've never really experienced the Mommy Wars in real life.
Perfect! Thank you!
you are 100% correct. and the main point we should take away is this war is ABOUT US and not the kids. there is no “right” answer to end up with the best adjusted kids, so we might as well quit trying to pretend that there is.
awesome, awesome post
You hit the nail on the head. That exact conversation, feeling, scenario is my life, each and every Monday through Friday.
I couldn't agree more. I've been on both sides, and neither is better than the other. There are always downsides.
The really funny thing is, even when you've been on both sides, you still see the other side with rose-colored glasses. You mention the sahm with the hedge fund husband, but when I didn't work, we were only managing it by the skin of our teeth. And when I was home I'd think my working friends were doing such important things. Now that I'm working I wish I would have stood up for us sahm's more and proclaimed “our” work to be the most important a woman can do.
I think I just said what Marinka said.
Having lived both, I can tell you this is dead ON.
Thanks for articulating it so well, Liz.
Sigh. Yes. And when mine were babies I only wanted them to grow up and now that they're growing up so fast I want to scream NO NO SLOW DOWN and apparently I am just never, ever satisfied.
Maybe I need to look into astroturf.
So much truth here. So much. And yet I have a feeling the mommy war mongers will still find a way to turn it around on you. I hope not though because this was a great look at both sides of the equation and as close to proof that neither side has it “better” as I've ever read .
Probably the most concrete articulation of this I've seen (and the CM visuals don't hurt either).
beautiful. moved my heart to sadness that we spend so much time wishing we were somewhere else.
I've never experienced the Mommy Wars in real life, but this split sure follows me every day.
The latte is always creamier on the other side of the glass window.
Well said. Well said. Harumph.
My first boy went to daycare at three weeks, he spent ten hours there every day, Monday through Friday for his first four years of life. It sucked, but I had an awesome job, I was the boss. I've stayed at home with my two-year-old since he was born and I bake and craft and teach him my way. And, yeah, I'm pulling my hair out (man I want a job that doesn't include cleaning butts and wiping crap off walls!) but he's awesome to be with. As a mommy who has been on both sides of the fence, I say ditto to you. You hit the nail on the head.
I hear ya, sister. The thing that kills me (okay, ONE of the things that kills me) is I find myself wondering: Do dads think about this stuff? I can't help but think that most of them don't.
I also am waging a one-woman campaign to eradicate the use of the phrase “working mom.” I don't think it's fair to SAHMs. Good lord, we ALL work. Very hard. Ditto for the phrase “full-time mom.” That one irks the heck outta me. Because I am a WOHM, does that mean I'm NOT a mom when I am at the office?
Speaking of which, I must get back to work. Like you, I'm in the ad biz – and one of those “advertising emergencies” needs urgent attention!
Enjoying your blog. Glad to have found it.
Been there. Felt that. This morning, I'm jealous of the moms in the Subarus lined up at the train station to drop their hubbies off. They got to go back home and snuggle their kids. Mine were left with sitters, runny noses and nasty coughs. As always, great writing Liz.
Amen!
Exactly. The only thing I would add is the frustration of those of us who work AT home, amongst the crying.
Yes.
YES.
I have been on both sides…well, minus the whole hedge fund thing.
I have felt like both of those women…the one who misses her babies and the one who misses herself.
YES. And what we seem to forget is that ultimately, we're all playing on the same team.
So much. Thank you. Thank you for infusing respect and intelligence and compassion into this needless “argument.”
You rock.
I work part-time (one day working, one day home with the kids), and you have described the push-pull within MYSELF each week. I drop the kids off at daycare, and then ache a little thinking about my one-year-old and four-year-old there all day without me to watch and worry. The next day I'm with them, and it's 10:30am and I feel like I've exhausted every trick in my book and it's hours until naptime. This is a perfect post — important and well-said.
well done, well done…i can relate to every word that is written on this page.
oh yes yes. I know that's unoriginal, a dozen people said it already in these comments before me, but I can't not comment. You describe it so perfectly.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. fucking yes.
Beautifully said.
Great post. I needed to read it. Was feeling a bit the same earlier today from the SAHM point of view!
It's made being “just” a SAHM (I know, but it feels like that a lot of the time) a LOT easier that the only thing I am really good at doing (Opera/musical theater) would have meant a lifestyle I LOATHE, so I take comfort in that when I realize I'm 35 and never made it to Yale or the Met like I planned.
Nom, nom, nom-ing on fat baby tummies is way better for me anyway.
Love this.
THIS. IS. PERFECT. Thank you.
Bravo, Liz.
Geez – that made me cry! Hormones, or missing my pretty clothes and perfect hair. Could be both.
Can't we all just get along
Oh you are so dead on. I have that coversation in my head constantly no matter where I am and what I am doing. It's one we sign up for as soon as we give birth. And so our motto must be “Carpe Diem!”
A truer truth has NEVER BEEN TOLD or told so well. I love your fair, balanced look at life & motherhood, Liz, and this post is a classic example of the voice I love so much.
Girl, you are right on.
So perfectly written.
Isn't this just exactly what the conversation sounds like in our heads.
Every mom should read this.
The grass is greener…
I just wish the grass would be equal shares of awesome.
ps – i fell in LUST w/ chelsea market when i visited 2 years go. even got myself a fat witch brownie.
Yes. Just – yes.
Yep. Well said. I've done the SAHM, the WAHM, and the work-outside-the-home things (still doing the last one). And they all have their advantages and disadvantages. I think the important aspect is the M — the MOM in all of us. We all have to strive to be the best Mom to our kids, however that works for us. What a great post.
Oh my. Absolutely. Sometimes I definitely envy the Mom who gets to get out. I'd definitely consider all Moms working Moms and myself considering I'm half crazy and work from home + homeschool my kids.
Yup.
Pretty much just that.
Perfectly expressed in an unfortunate debate where there is no perfect answer.
So, so, SO true.
Heart you.
And I'm crying right now because…oh right. Because working 3 days a week and being an SAHM 2 days a week makes me schizophrenic and the conversation you wrote above loops over and over again with me as both characters. This post is perfection. It is my life.
It's so hard to mindfully appreciating the moment, isn't it? I struggle with this all the time. I find that when I narrow the focus, really zero in on what's happening right NOW with either my kids or my work, it helps. When I can do it. It's not easy, and I'm not always (usually) successful. But when I am, it's such a relief…so beautiful to be content in the place I AM instead of wishing for somewhere else.
Oh, so true. And the really disturbing thing is that instead of admitting that this is how we feel we take jabs at each others choices. How we are better mothers because (blank)or how we could not fathom staying at home without losing our marbles completely…
Lets you and me be different and support each other
Great job!
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