Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Slutbags

I’m not above using my toddler’s clothes to proclaim my–our–family values or political leanings. The way I see it, if it’s okay for kids to wear jerseys designating daddy’s favorite professional athlete who may one day end up splashed across papers for passing an std onto a minor during a raging coke-fueled night in Vegas, it’s perfectly fine for me to dress my daughter in her President Poopyhead tee.

I’d like to think that I’ve got a sense of humor, as do most of us I presume, when it comes to The Ironic Tee, (T.I.T.?), Official Garment of The Hipster Parenting Movement. I can muster a chuckle when I see a kid’s tee proclaiming boo f*cking hoo or anarchy in the pre-k, even if I wouldn’t buy it myself. But sometimes I wander into a kids’ boutique and come across a design that just calls to my inner sanctimommy and her wagging finger of doom. This is the kind of item that makes me want to track down the designer, the boutique buyer, and then all parents who have actually purchased such a garment, corral them into a circle, put my arms around them, pull them close…then knock their foreheads together hard and scream ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? After which I’d make them write I do not actually want my child to be a future diva/pimp/trophy wife 100 times in soap across the windows of their mini vans.

A couple weeks ago, I believe I found the shirt that tops them all.

I caught this one in an “if you have to look at the price tag, you can’t afford it” kids boutique in LA, where there was an entire rack of 0-24 mo jeans in the $180 range. Which I only mention as evidence of the adage that money does not buy taste.

(Izzy, I hope you’re sitting down for this one.)

The only saving grace is that it was on the sales table.


61 thoughts on “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Slutbags”

  1. Lovely shirt. I think the key is teaching kids what is ironic/funny vs. just plain, um, sad. My girlfriend is trying to finish up a college degree and was in class with some pretty young thang wearing a pair of sweatpants with the word “NAIL” across the ass. I kid you not.

  2. Does this mean if I spend all my time on my hands and my knees that I too, will be a heart breaker?I’m slightly grossed out by that tee. Where’s the blue one of a little boy holding his crotch proclaiming Future Pimp?

  3. My best friend growing up stayed in NYC and now firmly believes that an item of clothing is not worth anything unless it is $200 and up. Mom-101, I am guessing that as a resident of the city you know Jacadi. My BF sent Jack (in all love, needless to say) a quilted lightweight jacket(cotton). The size was 18 months. The price? $349. Same item, more or less, at Old Navy? $39. These cities, LA too, they corrupt.

  4. Ick! Having twin kindergarten girls, it only gets worse. I never dreamed I would have to sort through hoochie mama clothing in 3T’s. I went to a sale last night and was pleasantly surprisd to hear 2 moms looking through the 4T rack say, “I’m not buying that. I don’t want her to look like a hoochie mama.” I was thrilled that #1. Someone has common sense and #2. Someone else uses my phrase of choice.FTR, my 70-year-old mother thinks I’m being an “old fogie.” She likes the short shirts/tops/shorts on little kids.

  5. Holy Christ on a cracker…Are those leopard underwear that she’s showing off while posing doggystyle? Or glitter?

  6. Hey! If you’ve got it, flaunt it! That’s what I tell my 2 year old all of the time!(What the HELL, man? Seriously.)

  7. Okay and I was disturbed by the rompers I saw at Children’s Place (for the sale price of under $10 each) that said Future Princess, Future baseball player, and Future CEO-with a pile of cash next to it, this is just totally in the ick column for me. Mostly I was disturbed by the fact that the pink romper said Future princess, because you know that is clearly the only thing little girls should strive for.

  8. Let’s set up a fund to buy them all and burn them.Seriously. I am normally against censorship, but, gack!

  9. I love me a good ironic t-shirt, baby or grown-up sized. But the sexualization of babies and toddlers just makes my skin crawl. I hate this shirt, and I hate the “Boob Man” pro-breastfeeding shirts for boys. I know I heard yesterday on NPR that girls are hitting puberty younger and younger, but I really don’t think that means we should be training toddlers in the fine art of slut fashion. What will be left for mothers and daughters to fight about when the daughters are teenagers?

  10. I can’t top any of the other previous hilarious comments so I’ll just say thank you for taking a picture of this horrifying tee. No wonder it’s on sale.

  11. If only I had known that life on my hands and kneees, with my ass up in the air, was the ticket… I feel so cheated. 😉

  12. Imagine that were a picture of a little boy. Would they really sell it then? Oh, wait. Yeah, they probably would.

  13. What’s wrong with that? I let my girls dress and pose like that all the time?...(I suck at lying.)

  14. I’m still laughing about Izzy’s comment…Holy Christ on a Cracker.For real.It is so wrong, on so many levels, that it’s hard to know where to even start.

  15. Neither Kyle nor I are sure what to do with THAT.Although I do like the “Anarchy in the Pre-K” t-shirt. The kids don’t know about the Sex Pistols, but the adults will get the joke. And Pre-K really IS anarchy.

  16. I’m momentarily speechless. Ok, enough of that. The problem with the hoochie mama baby clothes is not as much what it says about the stupid-ass parent, but what it will teach the baby for she is choosing her own clothes. My daughter is in 6th grade and learning the difference between appropriate and inappropriate is key. The words on a baby tee are not the problem really,the problem is the rationale behind continuing to put inappropriate clothing on little girls as they grow up. I think some of the little “grown up-ish” clothes for babies are cute – even the tees that say “spoiled” or whatever, but more as a joke or to show off to the grandparents than as a statement of fashion. Sorry for the ramble.

  17. Hahaha! Spirituali! You found that at Spirituali! Off the same sale rack that I bought Archer’s Slaughter tee for $10. Classic. That tee should come with a tee for baby boys that says “nice ass, baby”… (I’m kidding of course.)

  18. Have you seen the “Future Porn Star” t-shirts? I’m hoping that it was just a nightmare and they don’t really exist.

  19. Methinks we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one shirt, but otherwise, lovely post!I read the title out loud to my husband and laughed hysterically-and this is before actually *reading* the post!

  20. My favorite “ironic” tee that I purchased for my son was “Voted most likely to date a supermodel.”Of course, he got too much attention the first time he wore it, and refused to wear it again.This tee is sad…surprised she’s not wearing a thong!

  21. Yeah. And the matching blue shirt shows a toddler in a Miata with the words “Future Sugar Daddy”. Yuck. This ranks right up there with the licensed characters as far as I’m concerned.

  22. The only saving grace is you found it on the sale table – which means nobody is buying it.

  23. lady m – that was the discussion on a local radio station this morning. Those “Future Porn star” shirts do in fact exist for babies. That leaves me speechless. I think any mom who would actually buy this for their child should be investigated by Child’s Services! That is wrong, 100%.

  24. What, what, what are we doing to our children? And is that a ‘come hither’ look she’s tossing over her toddler shoulder? Yikes…

  25. I hope my daughter never wears something like that. At least until age 10 when she starts dating and having sex. Good thing is she’ll be out of the house by age 13.AD

  26. I recently had to talk my three-year-old out of getting a sparkly t-shirt that read “I’ve Got My Daddy’s Credit Cards” or something equally as vile. She ended up getting the less egregious but almost equally inane “Little Girl, Big Attitude” one.I hope she learns to read soon. Perhaps we can avoid all this.

  27. MARCH 8 IS BLOG AGAINST SEXISM DAY! If we want to get rid of “future heartbreaker” tee shirts — and god help us if we don’t… then we have to go to the source. Take the time to read some of these — even if it’s not mine… and maybe comment a little. LIZ I have to tell you – you may be outraged (correctly) but you’re also really really funny. What a combination!

  28. This was intended for email, but the fucker just wouldn’t work!Dear Liz:I just wanted to give you a thank you for the comment you posted on my blog “Twenty-Two is THE last good birthday.” It really made my day that a blogger that I so admire and respect actually read my blog- even if you were just checking to see which blogs mentioned yours. Considering the fact that I took a microeconomics exam today, that is no easy feat. Congratualations! I only wish my little blog was viewed enough to make it onto that impossibly long list of blogs on your page that you couldn’t possibly read every day. I read your blog everyday. Sometimes twice. I know it’s sad….I can’t believe you are 38! I read a post that mentioned the age you were when you had Thalia and Nate’s age and tried to do the math but totally gave up. That could explain the grade I’ll get on that microecon final… I’ve seen your picts a couple times and thought you were 32 max! Unfortunately, you are officially past my “scary” age of 33 which, unfortunately, qualifies you as being “ancient.” Good news! You can’t consider you elderly or horribly old because I can’t imagine you would judge me for wanting to buy a onesie that says “MOTHASUCKA” (particularly since I’m not even pregnant and have only had sex with 4 people more than 3 times.) You’re officially not old because I also can’t imagine you spewing antiquated ideas like homosexuals deserve to get AIDS or that interracial sex is right up there with pedophilia.But enough about my family… I just wanted to thank you for reading! And (after you pop) if you ever feel like having a cocktail with your adoring fans or fellow Brooklynites, I’d totally be up for it. I hope that didn’t sound creepy. And yes, I did say “totally.” I am, in fact, 23.

  29. Unfortunately, I think it’s our society’s inability to accept sexuality as a natural thing that lends itself to inappropriate extremism in the form of children’s clothing. I could be wrong, though. I wonder if they have similar tee shirts in France, for example, or other parts of Europe that are known for being more comfortable with sexuality. I feel like a tool being so serious about this when your post was light hearted and a lot of the responses were as well. But I have to admit that the term “slut” always puts me on the defensive and my sense of humor is unfortunately the first casualty. I’m working on not being quite so anal (hee hee) about it, I promise 🙂

  30. I don’t know what disgusts me more – $180 jeans for babies or that t-shirt. Why, why, WHY would anyone think it was a GOOD idea to dress a little girl in that? ARGH!Now Anarchy in the Pre-K I could definitely see! I don’t think my son’s future pre-school teacher would take it the right way though….

  31. Oh my dear god. What were they thinking? Seriously let’e slap that on someone and cry out for the kiddie porn mongers of the world to get in line. Geez us. I have no more words!

  32. President Poopyhead…I need to get one of these for my next child!The “future heartbreaker” t-shirt is just degrading! Why would any clothing boutique even CONSIDER selling something like this?

  33. Wow…Then they wonder why our kids come home pregnant at 13 and end up on street corners at 18.GOOD JOB CORPERATE POOP BRAINS!!

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