Carry On My Wayward Googlers: Summer Edition

God I love checking my sitemeter and seeing what phrases people searched for that brought them to my blog.

It’s always good, clean fun. Ahem.

Random Bits of Whateverness
the cost of jc penney hairstyle
Way too high, my dear. Way too high.

john cusack colonics
Not an image I want in my head

perverted hokey pokey lyrics
You put your hot throbbing blue-veined meat wrench of love in…

ice cream jesus
He can walk on it even after it melts

walmart milf
I don’t even want to know

Complaints against hair salons in Iowa
“Oh no! I look like I’m from Iowa!”

single cat and owner
Because married cats make terrible pets

bras dent balls
That’s a serious bra

techy innuendo
Is that a USB in your port or are you just happy to see me?

Playgroups with annoying moms
Strangely there are a few openings available.

lesbian feet smelling
So now feet are going gay too? When will it end!

woman in the pee pee
I hate when that happens

hot dog with ketchup communist
Beware the ketchup communists! They’re extra red.

Christian moving companies
Slogan: Because Buddhists are always dropping your shit

Pregnancy is So Confusing!
Pregnant women why are they so cranky
We’re not cranky. You just suck.

Things pregnant women won’t tell you
“Now you sit down and let me rub your feet, honey. You’ve had a rough day.”

Hot Cheetos pregnancy

do women like to have big babies
The bigger the better! 19, 20 pounds? Bring ’em on!

I am not enough sleep n crap it cause pregnant
Now I’m confused too

The Rocket Scientists of the World
signs of leaving a tampon in
Well first there’s that string…

list of famous people who i would like to meet
I’m going to guess Jonathan Safran Foer, Hans Blix, and the guy who played Urkel

differences between sexes
Girls have long hair and like to vacuum

what does a baby look like
Like you, only smaller.

The Rocket Scientists of the World are Breeding
Feel fat in my third trimester
Highly unusual

Do you pee out anything when you’re pregnant
Your urethra, same as when you’re not pregnant

dos and donts of pregnent
First, don’t lift anything heavy. Like say a dictionary.

Which month to f*ck a pregnant woman
September is always lovely.

Fun things for pregnant women to do
Google search blog posts are fun

Can I apply lipstick during first trimester?
As long as it’s not that new raw tuna lipstick, you’re good

My baby is kicking me on the vagina.
Is that even possible?

wat am i not suposed to do if im pregnant
Some studies claim that spell-check causes birth defects, but you already know that.

when do you no your babie getting read to come out.
There are no words.

Vaginas For 100, Alex
green vaginas
Ralph Nader’s wife?

other word for vagina
Oh shoot, I know there’s one. What is it again?

Can i see girls privates
No sweetie, mommy needs to use the computer again.

testicles vs vagina
The oddsmakers in vegas give testicles 10:1

Clean words for vagina
Um, how about “vagina”?

A special shout out to…
worlds longest ingrown hair
Because you search for it every single week, don’t find it on my blog, and yet you keep coming back.

And to…
what does it mean 101 one oh one
No idea. Mom 626 was already taken.


59 thoughts on “Carry On My Wayward Googlers: Summer Edition”

  1. Those f-ing Buddhists.They DO drop all your shit.And eat communist ketchup.I have one that keeps mis-spelling orgasm as in “How do I give wife orgizm”and I wish to write him and suggest knowing how to spell orgasm as a first step…..Too bad sitemeter isn’t more interactive….

  2. Oh Bless you. I needed this laugh today. The Christian moving company and the determination of that ingrown hair person were my very favorites. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  3. The communist ketchup had me cracking up! My favorite google hit to my site was “punch a puppy in the face.”People scare me. Seriously.

  4. I knew I was attracted to your blog for a reason! I do drop shit and I love me some ketchup, the redder the better!Someone googled us yesterday: “moms who scribble on each other…” Yes, with ellipsis. Is that some sort of fetish I am unaware of? Does it have to be moms? Maybe it’s hotter if they sing dirty hokey pokey lyrics. Maybe that’s what the ellipsis meant.

  5. Oh dear lord, you are amazing. How is it possible to top the searches? Yet you did it! I’m crying from laughing. Thank you.

  6. This one:signs of leaving a tampon inWell first there’s that string…Could have killed me. I needed to gather myself after that one…love it!!BTW, personally I hate when people constantly say “love it.”

  7. These are great! You are almost selling the whole ‘site meter thing’ to me, aren’t you? Is this post sponsored by them?*giggle*

  8. Just in case people thought the internet was a safe place.. this is what happens when you write an ‘innoncent’ post like: I’m hairy and my feet smell here ->’re on the second page when I search for ‘lesbian feet smelling’.The idea that google or any machine can really figure out what we mean is a dangerous thing.Just think… someone didn’t like the first 10 results in Google and needed to click on the second page.

  9. Okay, I just laughed so hard at a work that two people came over to see what was so funny. i think you just scored two new readers.

  10. Maybe it’s the third trimester hormones (whoremones?) talking, but a John Cusack colonic didn’t sound all that bad.

  11. Anon 2:25 – I’m only second page on lesbian feet smelling? Well hopefully this post will fix that right away.

  12. “Christian moving companiesSlogan: Because Buddhists are always dropping your shit” – made me pee a little.I always get “Mom Booby Cakes” and “fat pregnant in diapers” at my place. Klassy.

  13. I seriously can’t believe there are people in the world like this. So sad!

  14. The lipstick one kills me. Whoever that was, they should not be having kids. I’m going to have to click back on this all week when I need a good laugh.

  15. i don’t like to let buddhists even touch my stuff, for just that’re the first one i ever saw do something like this, and it was so hilarious. it’s now a weekly series on my blog: sunday google-age. oh, how it cracks me up every week. 😛

  16. This was RIDICULOUS — ridiculously hilarious! I should should start looking at my search strings more often. I bet I get a lot of those pregnancy ones — I’m sure every feel-fat-third-trimester searcher has hit my blog, for eg, because I talk about that A LOT!And, yeah, I gave up my raw-tuna lipstick when I learned I was preggers…. Ha!

  17. Ack! I love these! “clean words for vagina” “lesbian feet smelling”my favorites — but they’re all so good.Damn. My Googlers are so boring.

  18. The ‘lifting a heavy dictionary’ one made me snort. And then laugh loud enough to make the dog get up and leave.So…thanks for that.

  19. You have an incredible sense of humor. The weirdness of the google search words might be funny, but they are hilarious given your comments.*wat am i not suposed to do if im pregnant*Some studies claim that spell-check causes birth defects, but you already know that.*when do you no your babie getting read to come out.*There are no words.I LMAO…ThanksLJ

  20. ice cream jesus. i love this. KC over at Where’s My Cape does these periodic roundups too – and they are hysterical every single time. now i need to find really bizarre phrases with which to google you.

  21. Gawd, I’ve missed reading you. And at 1:28am (while still working) I needed a good laugh.I’m just embarrassed my ‘green vaginas’ search turned up.

  22. I can’t even keep reading these because if I laugh any harder I’m going to attract the attention of the two year old who recently barfed and is sitting on the couch watching “Caillou” and waiting for me to join him after I “just grab my coffee from the kitchen”.

  23. These are hilarious! The walmart milf…perfect! Some people really scare me sometimes! I looked at my stats and saw people found me via crazy squirrel, used cars, and fuzzy babies. WTH??

  24. OMG—I thought my coffee was going to come out my nose. Thanks for sharing! Tuna-lime jello-black olives always brings the hoards to my site. What a legacy!

  25. Thanks – that is just what I needed. Especially now that 90% of my visitors are searching in vain for amateur porn, I needed a laugh.

  26. Damn. I almost made it. I was up to Rocket Scientists before I started snickering. But Vaginas did me in. Thanks to < HREF="" REL="nofollow">Leedalu<> for steering me here this morning.

  27. which site counter do you use that tells you what search words they used ? Mine doesnt tell me anything so fascinating .Love your blog by the way . But would be grateful for the info if you had a minute to tell me , or anyone else who reads this ???? Thanks Shelagh

  28. After having six kids, I have precious little bladder control left and I think I just peed myself reading these. Hilarious as always!

  29. I just want you to know that I am crying. CRYING. so hard. You made my week. I am so glad I found your blog! Write on, sista!

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