Oh Irony, How You Taunt My Youngest Child With Your Cruel Literary Device Ways

Even french fry eating

is very serious

My little baby girl is a real live, almost walking, not quite talking garbage can. She can eat anything even remotely described as food-like. Anywhere. Any time.

Wait a minute, that’s a lemon.

A delicious lemon.

Or at least she would. If it it weren’t for the teeth.

Which are currently best described as tooth.

I am not sure what minor infraction that Sage committed in a past life – perhaps she grafittied the Parthenon or put shaving cream in Napoleon’s hands while he slept then tickled his nose – but karma is getting her back big time by refusing to supply her with the necessary choppers to satisfy the unabated hunger within.

It is cruel. It’s mean. It’s teasing and teasing isn’t nice.

The rare photo in which Sage actually smiles at the camera instead of the food.

Thalia cut her teeth like a normal kid, a few on the bottom at 8 months, next a bunch on the top, add some incisors, coupla molars. Wham, mouth full of teeth. Poor Sagey, however, is about to turn one with just that lone tooth at the center top, hardly even halfway out.

(And the next one to come is its next door neighbor, perhaps a crueler hand dealt by the mistresses of fate as Sage is surely destined to be buck toothed for some time. But at least she will be able to eat artichokes.)

Sage wants to eat. She has to eat. She is dying to eat OH MY GOD MAMA PLEASE FEED ME SOME MORE FOOOOOOOD. And yet she is limited to that which she can gum.

Passover: The holiday in which God passes over all the toothless babies and makes them eat matzoh instead of lamb on the bone.


She ogles Nate’s spare ribs with pure, unabated yearning. I only wish I could give it to her whole instead of shredding it into teeny little shards fit for…well, a baby. Although truth be told, Sage impresses with how well she puts the limited capabilities of the gums to use. To see her at work in that little wooden high chair of hers, legs dangling, jaw pulsing, is like watching a woodsman fell an oak with a plastic butter knife.

In a way, Sage is lucky that she’s the second child with the demeanor to just shrug and do the best with what she’s got. I think she’s pretty much taking it in stride.

At least until a snappy carrot or a whole green apple ends up on her sister’s plate and not hers.

And then she is defeated.

EDITED TO ADD: Holy cow, I totally forgot about Perfect Post Awards today. Rats. Well if I were to have remembered in time, I’d have awarded Liz from This Full House for her post on Blog Reader Appreciation in which she not only took the time to link like a hundred billion great bloggers, but actually said something nice about each one. Which is so par for the course because Liz is one of the kindest, most giving, supportive bloggers in the history of all blogginess and related blogginess-type things.

Hope it’s not too late to put a pretty button on your site, Liz. You earned it.


26 thoughts on “Oh Irony, How You Taunt My Youngest Child With Your Cruel Literary Device Ways”

  1. I’ve been really impressed at how well my 1yo handles “chewing” with her gums. She has a bunch of teeth but it doesn’t seem as though she uses them for anything.I mean, she’s not biting pieces from anything (front teeth) and she’s not shredding meat from the bone (incisors)…all she’s really doing is mashing food down and she’s as happy to do that with her gums as she would be with molars, I think.I guess she doesn’t grind any hard foods, like nuts or other crunchies…but that’s not really very limiting at all.Give sage a chicken breast and see what she does with it :}

  2. “To see her at work in that little wooden high chair of hers, legs dangling, jaw pulsing, is like watching a woodsman fell an oak with a plastic butter knife.”awesome sentence!-K

  3. Nicky was a very slow teether too. his first tooth came in at 11 months. We were really starting to wonder if they made baby dentures. But after letting him teeth on my finger during a long car ride once I realized those gums are just about as hard as any teeth! Maybe not as sharp, but damn it felt like my finger was smashed in a very moist door.He did really well for himself with those gums for a long time. He’s two and still holding out with only 12 total teeth. We figure the rest will eventually come in…surely.

  4. See, now, the fact that Sage is such a happy eater even though Thalia is a picky eater gives me hope that I can one day produce a child who actually likes food.Tell Sage that I’ll be sure to have a conversation about this situation with the Tooth Fairy.

  5. I know someone has already done so, but I must also praise this sentence and thank you for making me laugh as I stay up too late finishing what should have been done yesterday (and look, now I’m peeking at blogs, for shame):<>To see her at work in that little wooden high chair of hers, legs dangling, jaw pulsing, is like watching a woodsman fell an oak with a plastic butter knife.<>Ahhhhhh.

  6. Oh, that face. Adorable. My oldest child didn’t have a tooth in his head until he was 14 months old. And then he got his two pointy teeth…what are those called? Anyway, he looked like a little vampire. I gave him all sorts of stuff to eat, I just made sure it was cut up pretty small. I don’t remember us having any problems.

  7. My son too didn’t get his first tooth until he was nearly 15 months. At one point, the poor little guy had nothing but a single tooth in the middle bottom and all four MOLARS coming in. Talk about weird looking! He got them all hard and fast from around 17 months to age 2. Nonetheless, he ate all manner of things in the mean time.

  8. Oh that just sucks. I’ll talk to the baby gods and see if she can wake up one morning with a few painlessly acquired new teeth because that girl needs to have some spare ribs. They owe me some favours.

  9. Say it with all the senior citizens of the world Sage — “Teeth are highly underrated” or I guess it would be Theeth are highwee undewated Something like that.Shit. Now I’m hungry. Must go find lamb and matzoh.

  10. If it makes you feel any better, my 14 month old only has four teeth… I go back to work on Monday and it looks like the rest are going to come out any day. All of them. At the same time. Are you kidding me?? -Ashley (the delurker)🙂

  11. I miss those toothless grins – but, then again, they’re even cuter when they start losing those baby teeth.Mini-me still has her two front teeth, but not for long and it’s fun to watch them do neat disappearing tricks with pasta ;o)[big toothy grin]Thanks for the award, Momma!

  12. My Lily is a little younger than Sage (11 months yesterday) and has the two bottom fronts. Which makes me not want to give her anything I feel like she would have to chew, but honestly what person chews with the fronts anyway?Lily loves alot of stuff (olives! pickles! avacadopeachescerealfrozencustard pearsgreenbeansanimalcookiespudding friedchickenwingspeanutbuttergrapetomatoes oystercrackersbananasetcetcetc) and doesn’t really seem hampered by the lack of teeth.I think it’s me more than it’s her. But I would love for her to have some oppposers before I really start giving her much meat… or fresh carrots… but this is my first time through, so I very likely still don’t know what I’m doing. =0)

  13. when pumpkinpie still hadn’t cracked a tooth at 10 mos., I had to ask my doctor if hse might have some sort of recessive hillbilly gener from the Iowa folks, but instead, she got one at 10.5, one at 11.5, and then 6 in four weeks right after her first birthday. Thsnk goodness! It’ll come.

  14. Sorry to terrify you! I just looked again and it was another young punk rocker with a similar name (Talia). The NYTimes Thursday Styles if you want to see the girl I mistook for her.

  15. She sure is cute, though, eating the best she can with the one little tooth. I won’t jinx you by saying she’ll probably get all her teeth at once. That would be terribly painful for the little doll.

  16. My youngest daughter had no teeth at 12 months, but she could gum just about anything. She finally managed to get a few teeth, and at 18 month she decided to get a little wild in the tub, slipped and chipped her two front teeth so bad they had to be pulled out. The poor peanut barely got to enjoy them!!!

  17. My youngest was a super slow teether too. She could eat anything with her gums though. Also, we were told it’s better down the road when teeth come in later–theory being they have less exposure to that time in their life when they’re not so good at taking care of them. I’m not sure I buy that, personally, but that’s what the dentist told us. She sure is a cutie.

  18. Those pictures are precious! You have a very cute (and serious!) kid. Mine are teens now, but I’m reliving these moments through my neice and nephew who are 18 months.

  19. My sister had one of those little mesh things that look like a pacifier. You can put anything into it and they sort of mash it and suck on it without getting anything too big for their throat. Warning though: if you ever have to clean one of those things, you may never eat again.

  20. Wonderbaby shuns all foods save tofu, chocolate, butter and the odd cucumber which, you know, makes dinner time a bitch. If this next baby is an eater I will praise the gods unreservedly.

  21. Oh, this is such a fun post! That Sage is such a little cutie pie!Our foster daughter, Boo, started out at 12 months eating ANYTHING put in front of her, including veggies! At nearly 15 months old, she’s now starting to get picky.

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