I was totally going to blow this off this year but then Kristen had to go and ask me to do it again. What can I say, I’m a people pleaser. I love to please the people. Or, um…person. I’m a person pleaser. There ya go.
And with that, just a few of the awards I wish they had given last night.
Best opening number: The one that opened the show. Yes, that one. With Hugh Jackman. Uh-huh. It was great. It was funny. It was clever. And I will lose like 6% respect for you if you say otherwise.
Best impression of an ancient statue dug out from six thousand years of dust, covered in talcum powder then dumped in flour and a little more talcum powder: Tilda Swinton
Art imitating life award: Mickey Rourke, with lips the size of a large bass, coming back as a wrestler who comes back with lips the size of a large bass
Best acceptance speech: Dustin Lance Black winning best original screenplay for Milk and giving marriage equality a heartfelt, eloquent shoutout.
Okay, best acceptance speech for real this time: The one with Mr. Roboto in it. I was just kidding about Milk.
The Johnny Depp commemorative award for actor having earned enough critical acclaim that he can start dressing like a homeless person: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. No excuses about bad hair for acting roles. There are other hats, you know.
Most disappointing loss: Heath Ledger
The ooh lookie who’s blowing one of the Oscar producers award: Wall-E. Dude was in like every single montage, no matter what it was for. Best supporting actress? There’s Wall-E. Great movie musical moments? Wall-E. 2008 Death montage? Wall-E again.
The I’m happy just to be nominated – no really – award: Anne Hathaway who got to sit there and glow as Shirley McLaine sang her praises. That will last as long as some statue.
Big winner of the night: Twitter. Hands down.
The free shot award: Miley Cyrus presents it to you. Go ahead, take it. You’ve earned it.