Fourth Annual Morning-After Oscars Recap

I was totally going to blow this off this year but then Kristen had to go and ask me to do it again. What can I say, I’m a people pleaser. I love to please the people. Or, um…person. I’m a person pleaser. There ya go.

And with that, just a few of the awards I wish they had given last night.

Best opening number: The one that opened the show. Yes, that one. With Hugh Jackman. Uh-huh. It was great. It was funny. It was clever. And I will lose like 6% respect for you if you say otherwise.

Best impression of an ancient statue dug out from six thousand years of dust, covered in talcum powder then dumped in flour and a little more talcum powder: Tilda Swinton

Art imitating life award: Mickey Rourke, with lips the size of a large bass, coming back as a wrestler who comes back with lips the size of a large bass

Best acceptance speech: Dustin Lance Black winning best original screenplay for Milk and giving marriage equality a heartfelt, eloquent shoutout.

Okay, best acceptance speech for real this time: The one with Mr. Roboto in it. I was just kidding about Milk.

The Johnny Depp commemorative award for actor having earned enough critical acclaim that he can start dressing like a homeless person: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. No excuses about bad hair for acting roles. There are other hats, you know.

Best impression of Joaquin Phoenix thinking he was Andy Kaufman impersonating Bob Dylan channeling ZZ Top with a little Matisyahu thrown in: Ben Stiller

Most disappointing loss: Heath Ledger

The ooh lookie who’s blowing one of the Oscar producers award: Wall-E. Dude was in like every single montage, no matter what it was for. Best supporting actress? There’s Wall-E. Great movie musical moments? Wall-E. 2008 Death montage? Wall-E again.

The I’m happy just to be nominated – no really – award: Anne Hathaway who got to sit there and glow as Shirley McLaine sang her praises. That will last as long as some statue.

Big winner of the night: Twitter. Hands down.

The free shot award: Miley Cyrus presents it to you. Go ahead, take it. You’ve earned it.


25 thoughts on “Fourth Annual Morning-After Oscars Recap”

  1. last night was great. i was so expecting to HATE Hugh as a host, but, with the exception of the strange hsm/mamma mia dance number that was totally all over the effing place, he was GREAT!

  2. I didn’t want to, but I enjoyed Huge Jackass. My fav part was “I know I need to see The Reader. I even went down to the theater but there was a line of all the people watching Ironman a second time.” And I love Mickey Rourke, but if he (during the red carpet pre-show) mentioned his dead dog one more time…

  3. Agreed with your round-up, all the way through. I did adore the gay marriage shout-outs. Big time.

  4. I’m not sure if Miley’s dress looks more like fish scales or a bad case of winter dry skin…maybe both. Ugh.

  5. The second I saw Mylie Cyrus in that dress I said to my kids, “She looks just like one of those cakes where they stick the barbie doll in the top and then the skirt is the cake.” Later she said the dress reminded her of Ariel in the Little Mermaid. Yup, I called it.

  6. I loved the opening! I thought this year’s show was classy and captivating, compared to the usual show. Also I loved the way they presented the acting awards. Penelope Cruz and Angelina Jolie in particular looked stunning.

  7. The people who are bashing the musical numbers have no soul.And Kung Fu Panda’s blowing an Oscar Producer, too. That was so distracting!Otherwise, loved it. Sucker for the Jackman/Beyonce extravaganza. Top hat, red sequins, and those curves. Yow.

  8. I love Hugh Jackman. L O V EAll I could think of when they showed Philip Seymour Hoffman in that hat, was Joan Rivers somewhere having a heart-attack.And I was concerned for Jennifer Anniston, having to present an award right there in front of Brad and Angelina! Although, I have to say that I would rather date John Mayer than Brad any day!

  9. I actually thought it was all good (particularly liked the 5 actor presentation for the big awards) until High School Music came out.Although Beyonce’s thighs gave me hope. heh

  10. How about an award for “Best let’s add some awkward drama camera shot” for cutting to Brad and Angelina during Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black’s presentation. Was that really needed? I’ll get off my soap box now…I loved Hugh so much! The opening number was awesome. “I am Wolverine!!” I liked the big musical number in the middle, too, but I also like Baz Luhrmann’s stuff.

  11. Tilda Swinton seriously creeps me out. Thanks so much for putting that image back in my head right before bed, Liz…I’ll never sleep tonight! 🙂

  12. loved Hugh Jackman but I’m a sucker for Robert Pattinson even though he looked very drunk and scared when he presented. I wish I had been tweeting along.

  13. I think someone forgot to tell Miley that the prom was NEXT week. So much for living down the “my dad is Billy Ray and used to wear a mullet” rap. Who ever dressed her should be taken behind the Piggly Wiggly and shot.

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