Dear Balloon Boy Family, You F*cking Suck

I watched yesterday, riveted.

I watched that balloon floating away and imagined the worst.

I cried.

I was furious with those who made cynical jokes on Twitter, who doubted, who speculated fraud.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I put myself on the line for you.

I shushed my children while I followed the plight of your own.

And I think it’s pretty clear now that you faked it.

You faked the potentially horrible, tragic death of your own son for publicity. You called in the police and the news helicopters, you pulled resources away from those who might have needed them.

And now you’re caught. You’re not a brilliant inventor. You’re not a hero. You’re just a slimy footnote in tabloid history, up there with Kato Kaelin, the runaway bride, and Mini-Me peeing on the carpet.

Your children will have to live, forever, with the legacy of this. It will follow them for the rest of their lives. And they will hate you for it.

That’s probably punishment enough.

Although if you didn’t fake it – if you really didn’t know where your son was – and yet you still alerted the media before the police?

You still f*cking suck.


49 thoughts on “Dear Balloon Boy Family, You F*cking Suck”

  1. Yes, when I learned that they notified media before law I felt so much for those kids. They are looking to their parents to guide them in life & this is not guidance, it's a train wreck

  2. Train wreck indeed. As soon as I saw that the kid wasn't inside I knew something was up. I'm absolutely disgusted. I hope the FAA or FBI charge them with something.

  3. Liz, where did you learn that they alerted the media first?

    The whole thing seemed fishy from the get-go. And it's just getting cornier, isn't it?

    Love the runaway bride et al references, by the way. 🙂

  4. I am so glad I was away from the internets while this entire thing unfolded. I only heard about Balloon Boy after the fact and never really got caught up in it all.

    But, have you read that they may get a tv deal from this? Now, THAT's sad.

  5. I was torn about if it was a hoax or not until I heard they called the FAA first. Who in the world thinks to do that?

    For goodness sake, in all the times my backyard helium UFO has gone missing with one of my children, I've never even THOUGHT of calling the FAA.

  6. NBC Nightly News reported last night that they called the news before they called the police.

    As a parent, as soon as I heard that I thought something was fishy.

  7. I second your thoughts. The whole thing is just so lame. The mini me peeing comment almost threw me off my chair though – love it!

  8. Umm, just wondering why the kids had access to a balloon that could so easily go airborne in the first place. (When I first heard about it on NPR, I envisioned Curious George floating through the sky grasping onto a dozen, colorful helium filled balloons and smiling. Falcon doesn't look as much like George as I'd hoped…)

  9. So so so totally agree. What douchebags. I mean, I CARED ABOUT THIS GODDAMNIT. Gah!
    And yeah, even if it was real, calling the media first? Come on. That's such a Perez Hilton move. Who TWEETS an emergency? Come the f*ck ON, people.

  10. Absolutely … could not agree more. Like you, I was riveted to this story, watching at work, then gripping the steering wheel all the way home. And when I saw the video last night of the kid saying they did it for a show, and the parents' reactions, that's what did it for me.

    And to call the NEWS before calling 911! Who DOES that?!!?

    Kato Kaelin! Now there's a blast from the past. Great post – linking to this in my best of the week roundup. (Aren't you honored? 🙂

  11. Yep. Sickos… And never-mind that they were on WifeSwap talking about being aliens, or that in their interview with Meridith Viera on the Today Show their poor son was PUKING! These punks need a serious talking to (and by talking I mean FACE-PUNCHING!) GAH!

  12. I really don't think we should be so quick to judge. If it is true, I could not possibly imagine what they could be going through. Leave the investigating and prosecution to the police.

  13. I'm still giving them the benefit of the doubt. It seems to me that it would be smart to first call the folks who are the ones to actually get aircraft dispatched rather than spending time with 911 (“Uh, so there's this giant balloon? You need to contact the people with helicopters?”) so the media/FAA call makes sense to me.

    But I don't know, maybe I just can't wrap my head around the alternative.

  14. I too want to give them the benefit of the doubt at this point until we learn more. At the interview, the kid was tired and confused. Maybe after he was found, the dad joked that they could get a show out of it, and that was what the boy meant.

  15. the guy is a total dooshe. he screamed and yelled and was all psycho on wife swap when they were on. i feel sorry for his kids. even though they're dooshes too.

  16. Ah, welcome home, Liz! Isn't America beautiful?

    This made me furious. I am only thankful that I was out of the house all day and missed the entire thing or I would have been a sobbing wreck.

    Jamie told me to watch the Today show clips. He paraded his family on so many morning news programs that the son ralphed all over the set. He's probably sick with guilt.

    Super Douchy Dad.

  17. Yeah, that was some serious Bullshasta. My wife kept emailing me updates from work, terrified for the whole family.

    Idiots like this only exist so their carbon dioxide will keep the Amazon tree forests alive.

  18. When I saw the CNN report with the little boys saying he did it for the show…I almost died. I wanted to crawl through the camera and smack the parents. grrr.

  19. Had no time to read all the comments, but my prediction – today's “big announcement” will be that he blames the kids for “doing it for a show” that it was his older and younger son and they had no idea of it. The guy is a whack job.

  20. I'm ashamed to admit this but.. . as soon as I saw them, I recognized them from Wife Swap. And I knew it was fake. That father was freaking psycho on the show and the mother just did as she was told. Those kids may actually be worse off than the Gosselin kids.

  21. I heard this morning that they will probably be charged with a misdemeanor and given the bill for the search and rescue. I hope so.

  22. If they are found to be guilty of faking the whole thing, I hope they're given a massive fine. All the the little things they've done do suggest it was set up. Totally repulsive.

  23. You need to drop the asterisk. You look like you're faking your anger with that asterisk.


    “YOU FUCKING SUCK!” (I would also add “BITCHES!”


    “You F*cking suck!”

    See? You should drop the asterisk.

    Your anger expression coach,

  24. BHJ, I'm all for full on curse words to express my feelings.

    I just don't want the google hits that come with putting f*cking and boy in the same headline

    Trust me.

  25. So much about this story pisses me off. How about the innocent boy who was stuck in the attic the whole time? How awful is that!!! I so badly wished he would have puked all over his dad–now that would have been funny!

  26. The “Asshole” tag next to the dad is the first thing to make me laugh today. So true. I hope they have access to a good child psychologist.

  27. If it all isn't bad enough if you search youtube (falcon heene) there is a “video” of the three boys singing a rap type song. Something their lovely daddy supposedly produced for them. The language and behavior are totally appalling!

    DCF should look into this family. these kids are not growing up in a nurturing environment.

  28. I too was so worried for that child and now I just feel sorry for those children that they have such pathetic parents.

  29. I am going to be honest in saying that I did not witness the whole thing unfold in it's entirety. I was away from the news (for once) while on a field trip to a farm with my daughter. I started following it after the balloon landed and they couldn't find the boy. I saw the look on the father's tear-filled face when they found him and that kind of stuck with me, I could not imagine the pain and joy. That is, if it were true! I guess they fooled me.

    What I was getting at in my previous post was my dislike for the mob-mentality that the media and public enjoys exploiting. Basically, convicting people before the whole story is even known. And I realize that the father encouraged it, but what about the kids? I guess someone has to do it, but it just makes me feel icky. It happens in politics as well (on both sides) and I can't stand it.

    I guess in this instance, I was wrong in giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, I don't really feel as though it is my place to judge or condemn. He will get what is coming to him.

  30. Public condemnation and a monetary fine IS “what's coming to them.”

  31. I couldn't agree more this was a horrible incident. Also add to that what a train wreck this family was when you saw them on wifeswap. Disaster in the making for these kids

  32. I was riveted to the TV … I watched, in total anguish for that child and family. Honestly? They should make the parents repay every cent the rescue efforts cost. They should force the parents to get immediate psychiatric help and find a place for the kids with mentally stable adults who love them.

    Who does something like this?

  33. I am so furious at that bastard father–I don't even have words right now.

    Can we all agree now that children should not be allowed to be on reality shows? No one should be on reality shows, but at least adults get to make the decision for themselves. Parents should not be able to profit from reality shows about their kids.

    I'm steaming mad!!!!

  34. This is the weirdest story. Clearly I should not be laughing because of the children, but seriously? Doesn't it make you laugh just a little? That these people would built a GIANT BALLOON and pretend to have their youngest child FLY AWAY in it as a publicity stunt? Isn't that a little ridiculous?

  35. Amen!
    Stories like these turn good people into cynics. Perhaps the next time a child in an dangerous situation people may stand by and watch rather than help, leery of another hoax.

  36. Every mother should be furious about this. When the public becomes desensitized to the Amber Alerts and the “child in danger” breaking news stories, it puts all of our children at risk. I take what this psycho did completely personally.And I propose a class action suit on behalf of every child in America.
    Finally I propose tarring and feathering, then quartering.

  37. Agree on all of it. I was so pissed at people who were all snarky and rude. Unfollowed some even. Sucks.

    Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

  38. I am a 36 year old mom with four daughters, battling stage four breast cancer. One of the women who writes for my magazine has a daughter who has spent more of her life than she ever should have in Children's Hospital. There's plenty of REAL drama in our first world country, and this story makes me so pissy I could puke. Worse, this fucking family only lives about 15 miles from my house. I'm tempted to show up with my balding cancer porn, my four young daughters, and give them a taste of REAL drama. Idiots. Grrrrr…..

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