Dear Tiger Woods, Women Save Sh*t

Dear Tiger Woods,

I don’t know how else to say this without betraying my entire gender, but it has to be said for the record, once and for all:

Women save shit.

A love note. An email. A stray hair in the bathtub. An EPT test. A junior prom corsage. A stained blue dress from the Gap. What makes you think a text message with something like, oh, say…. quietly and secretly we will always be together from a world famous multi-gazillionaire would be any different?

Whatever it is that you give us/write us/toss in the dumpster in the alley outside our house, we will stash away somewhere. Because we women? We’re insecure. We’re needy. We’re a little bit insane. And so we collect evidence that we are loved. Or if not loved, liked. Or if not liked, lusted after enough that a man would take the time out of his busy, busy PGA touring schedule to request that we forward a naked photos of our boobs.

I still have the very first emails that Nate ever sent me. They were these long, rambling, punctuation-free stabs at written flirtation that charmed my socks off. Maybe a little more. I’ve still got every one of them. Because one day, when Nate is signing 100 million-dollar contracts with Accenture for his world class ability to leave his underwear on the bathroom floor, or his unmistakable talent for changing the words to TV theme songs to include the word “fart” in every verse, I too will dig up those notes up and remind myself that he loved me when. If I can parlay them into a six-figure book deal too? Even better.

It’s not just a prerogative, it’s my genetic imperative as a woman to save that shit

Now you know. So the next time you–or any of your fellow men–decide to go cheating on your gorgeous pregnant wife with a half-dozen unpaid hookers with bad brow jobs, you can make some better choices.

So to speak.


61 thoughts on “Dear Tiger Woods, Women Save Sh*t”

  1. We do. Even in tiny apartments with almost no storage space, we save shit. Because stories are great, but stories with evidence to back them up are far better.

  2. As Mr. Adjunctmom likes to say, if adjunctmom doesn't have it, either her writing partner or her “officemate” will (as when I'm dealing with difficult stuff, they're the two people who make sure I'm not leaving my ass hanging out, so to speak).

  3. This really ought to be in the handbook somewhere. Right after the chapter that tells men not to argue with a woman during those irrational PMS moments.

  4. I forget where on TV I heard it but text message are the new lipstick on the collar. If you don't want anyone to see it, don't put it in writing. I'm not surprised at all that any of those women saved voice mail messages etc. It seems to speak to their intentions, ie “should anything go south I've got my butt covered.” Sad all around.

  5. Oh… As a gender, we are too loyal and romantic. lol. We all pay for our sins one way or the other! take it both ways if you dare! Great Post!

  6. And we women are thankful for the digital era, which gives us the chance to save everything and take up less space in doing so.

    Some of us even save digital information in two places, just to guard against catastrophic data failure. (We may or may not admit we have a problem…)

  7. Amen! I ended up transcribing all of husbando's early text messages when he was working away so I could keep them forever. (gag!) But I still have them! 😉

  8. Way too funny! But, sadly so true.

    Holding my hand up in a guilty fashion with a shoe box filled with random crap that I love from hubbs!

  9. What Julie said. We collect evidence. We know, always, that a day is going to come when we need to whip out the proof (that our spouse once wrote love letters, that we really did see US on their Achtung Baby tour, that the baby really did have curly hair, that we did once upon a time fit into a size four, that we really were in high school once, that Tiger Woods really did leave a message on our phone) and when that day comes: WE'LL BE READY.

  10. Changing the words to include “fart?” I do that ALL the time! The kids laugh until they cry and my husband looks at me like I've grown another head. Ah. Good times.

  11. Ah yes, the shoebox under the bed full of “mementos.” My husband used to write me poetry. I have proof!

    Well said, Liz!

  12. So true. I recently came across some creepy old secret admirer notes that I always suspected came from a stalker-ish ex boyfriend in college. Did I throw them away. Hell, no. Because I'm just. that. needy.

  13. This is the is the most hysterical TRUE thing I have read in a long time. I am passing this along…so we can all save it!! xoxo

  14. Hey baby,

    Um, can you take my name off your blog for a bit? Yeah, my wife is going through my internet cache and I don't want her to know what's going on between us.


  15. This is too funny! I save everything! I still have the first email my husband ever sent to me…and pretty much all of them after that. I am a bit nutty.

  16. It's too bad Tiger was the biggest attraction for golf. I'm quite annoyed that his sponsors were more concerned with the sport rather than his family.

  17. I've always thought you were brilliant, but never so much this very moment 🙂 You might have added “never leave your Big Bertha where your wife can find it and use it against you”

  18. yep, i save it all. and when i broke up with a boyfriend, i made him send me the photos AND NEGATIVES (yes, pre-digital — that long ago!) of the somewhat scandalous photos we took. and then *i* saved them … until i got married because, ew.

  19. Yeah. I save shit alright. Like my first husband's girlfriend's underwear that somehow ended up in MY laundry hamper. Great.

    This was hysterical! Loved it. Men are so stupid. Sorry, hon, but it's true.

  20. Perfect. I loved his voicemail asking his gal pal to change her cell phone ID so his wife wouldn't see. I bet he thought he had all his bases covered.

    The moral for my husband: when a billionaire screws up his marriage, at the worst, he still has half a billion dollars. If you screw up, I get the kids, the house and you get to move back in with your mama.

  21. so.fucking.true.
    what an idiot.
    also… texting and “never” emailing… WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE JACKASS?!??!

  22. OMG, yes. YES. And not just women, but anyone who might want to POSSIBLY BLACKMAIL YOU ONE DAY IF GIVEN A GOLDEN, GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY will probably also be saving your text messages, emails, and voicemails along with any biological evidence of your indiscretions. Why on earth anyone with ANYTHING to lose would leave a paper trail–physical or electronic–these days is beyond me. And it's not just Tiger Woods, either. What about all the cheating politicians (cheating on wives or cheating the system, whatever), busted through a text or email or recorded conversation? Maybe they just have such huge egos they don't think they'll get caught?

  23. Ha! This is hilarious. And very, very true. I'm pretty sure my mother still has every one of my baby teeth. On the one hand, ew. On the other hand, I'm not totally ruling out the possibility that I'll do the same thing.

  24. On the cover of the Jan 2010 issue of Golf Digest: “10 tips Obama can take from Tiger”.

    So many ways to interpret that…

  25. Right on! I knew I wasn't the only one out there that saves this kind of sh*t! LOL. Maybe if there was a Man-101 blog, it would say that this is just the kind of sh*t they do. Sad thought!

  26. Yes this is so true. Women are all a little crazy and men are all a little stupid. Well done.

  27. Out of curiosity that was most certainly prompted by this post, I dug through my Inbox to see what goodies I could unearth. I have ALL sorts of confessions from ex-boyfriends and desperate, wannabe ex-boyfriends from 2001. Whoa.

    Also, I feel really sorry for anyone who has ever dated Ms. Rita Arens, one who is notorious for keeping EVERYTHING data-wise. Ah, but I kid Ms. Rita Arens. I love her more than my luggage.

  28. If this whole Tiger Woods fiasco wasn't so ridiculous, it'd make me sad. Monogamy is a privilege. Committing to it means you found the one. THE ONE! So, Tiger Woods, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford and all you other affair-challenged idiots, we will find you out. That much is clear. So weigh your options first!

  29. Never mind just saving them and re-reading them. I send my boyfriends old emails to him from time to time because I'm ridiculous enough to believe that they will trigger some kind of regression and get all cute and flirty with me.
    Of course I'm lucky if I get a
    “Ha ha.. that's embarrassing, why do still have that?” but I'll take what I can get…and save it for later.

  30. We do save stuff, don't we. (Was just going through some stuff last night and sifted through tons of class photos and pictures of people from way back when. (Some of those photos are 20 years old. Crazy.)

  31. This made my day. Speaking of saving shit, I'm bookmarking this because you explained our process so well, I might just use it later.

  32. Wow. Reading this has been a lightbulb moment:

    “And so we collect evidence that we are loved.”

    I never thought of it that way .. and it's so true. I really .. really .. need to clear out all those love letters, notes, emails, drawings, paintings etc that are packed under my bed.

    Thanks for the piece of wisdom .. and the wake up call. Ouch 😉

  33. You ROCK!! I couldn't have said it better myself. I am just about “over” hearing about Tiger and his troubles but this post is hysterical. Thanks 🙂

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