Oscars Best and Worst Dressed, according to the most experty experts ever

For the last six years, I’ve been writing a funny-mostly-only-to-me wrap up of the previous night’s Academy Awards. At least it’s funny the next morning. The following year, however, I read it back and am like, what the heck was I referring to? Alec Baldwin’s Ambien? What?

This year I’m turning my blog over to my daughters, who provided astute, descriptive, and honest red carpet commentary on Twitter last night. Then went to bed, fortunately before they had the chance to see J Lo’s nipples.

Please meet your hostesses:

Thalia, 6. Can pair stripes with argyle with a floral like nobody’s business. Favorite shoes: Black engineer boots.  Favorite color: Blue. No, turquoise. No, green. No wait, blue.

Sage, 4. Remembers to put her underwear on facing the right way at least 5 days out of every week. Fond of stickers as fashion accessory. Believes one can never wear too many temporary tattoos and that any kitchen item can make a fabulous hat.


Jennifer Lopez

Thalia: Her dress is not that nice because this part in the front? Is too low and you can see her boobs.

Sage: She’s so pretty even if she breaks all her hair off. Her dress is so pretty like she’s having a wedding.

Tina Fey

Thalia: I don’t really like the bottom of the dress because it’s too tight and might trip you

Sage: 30 Rock! I’ve heard of that show.


Michelle Williams

Sage: She’s so beautiful even if she was naked and wasn’t even wearing anything.


Emma Stone

Thalia: I don’t like the top because you have to tie a big bow and it would distract me if I was wearing it.


Rooney Mara

Sage: She’s so pretty with her white dress. And it’s so long and I like her hair. It looks like Thalia’s friend Jillian.


Melissa McCarthy

Thalia: I like how her dress goes down but I think the sparkly belt is a little too much


Colin Firth

Sage: He’s so handsome even if he breaks his nose.


Kristin Wiig

Thalia: I really like her dress because it goes out a little on the skirt and it’s a little puffy. And it’s wavy.


Nick Nolte

Thalia: He’s a little weird but I like his suit.

Penelope Cruz

Thalia: I LOVE HER DRESS! It is perfect with her hair because it’s puffy and her eyes are so beautiful.


Cameron Diaz

Thalia: I like her because her name rhymes with quesadillas.


Top that, Joan Rivers.

 [photos via e online, us weekly]


57 thoughts on “Oscars Best and Worst Dressed, according to the most experty experts ever”

  1. Not enough words to describe the joy of waking up and finding this. I no longer have to watch the Oscars. All I have to do is to ask T and S to phone it in!

  2. Remind me not to disrespect Sage – I’m somewhat intimidated by her friendly reminders that bits of your body could break or even break off.

  3. I love their dresses…Especially Tina Fey’s dress, it’s simple and elegant…

  4. My 8yo says”Penelope Cruz’s dress is awesomely beautiful!” (I thought so too.)

  5. Any blogger posting pictures of Rooney Mara this morning is on my “best friends” list. *swoon*

    And Sage totally GETS Michelle Williams. Totally.

  6. Love the confidence of your girls! And thanks for sharing their wisdom; they nailed it!

  7. I didn’t watch a lick of the Oscars but now I feel like I know everything I needed to know. I think Joan Rivers and crew should be very worried.

  8. Unquestionably the best fashion wrap up I’ve heard. They are too funny!

    1. I saw him first, ladies — have been a fan of his since “The Advocate” (the quintessential city-lawyer-moves-to-the-country story, only set in France at the time of the Plague), which stars both him AND his butt.

  9. Love this! I think it might be the best commentary I’ve heard so far. Get in touch with the Oscars and tell them you’ve found next year’s hosts. I especially like where they compliment some of the movie stars even though some of their bits might break off… very thoughtful that is!

    1. Thalia will sign up to do the red carpet in a minute. Sage will be funnier, but will also make “poop on your head” jokes.

      Then again, that might be an improvement.

  10. This gave me a great gift of laughter! Thank you for the reviews as I’m in France and it’s the only thing I’ve seen so far about the Oscars, except that they occured…thank you Elizabeth for sharing!

    1. This gave me a great gift of laughter! Thank you for the reviews as I’m in France and it’s the only thing I’ve seen so far about the Oscars, except that they occured…thank you Elizabeth for sharing!

      Oh sorry, it was Rachel that shared! But they are in the same country right now! Does that count for accuracy?

  11. I howled! What is with the “even ifs”? Does she know something we don’t? Like, our hair and noses are at serious risk for breaking?

    1. Her whole life is a series of “what ifs…”

      “Sage, don’t forget to take your lunch.”
      “But what if I forget it?”
      “Then you’ll get school lunch.”
      “But what if something happens to school lunch and they don’t have it that day and I am soooo hungry and then no one will give me anything to eat?”

      Keep in mind she’s 4.

  12. My hubby would SO agree with the Michelle Williams commentary… 😉

    Those girls need to hit the red carpet next year!

  13. “He’s so handsome even if he breaks his nose.”

    I wish someone would say this about me. 😀

    Good review. I like watching with kids. It’s like seeing the world through the opposite of beer goggles.

  14. Oh, man, this had me laughing out loud! Now you just need to get J Lo with her hair chopped off, Michelle Williams naked, and Colin Firth with a broken nose to prove Sage’s point!

  15. This is fantastic. They know what they’re talking about!!lol

    Cameron Diaz = Quesadillas – Love it and will probably call her that forever now.

  16. That Colin Firth comment nearly made me spit out my sandwich! Partly because I thought she was insinuating that it looked like he DID break his nose. =)

  17. I have had my daughter as a guest blogger before and really Liz, when we’re ready to retire, we can turn over the reigns to our girls who really know how to say it better than we.

    On a slightly different tone, I ended up writing my weekly blog about the Oscars and my daughter showing (I hope) an important side of body image and how it affects our children – and all of us, really.

    I hope you’ll check it out: http://www.Diva-Mama.com

  18. They have all beautiful and stunning dresses…Of all, I like Angelina’s black dress…She is the best!

  19. Your daughters are more insightful and better judges than any other review I’ve read to date. Style or Insider should hire them.

  20. My favorite was the Diaz-Quesadilla too . . . but here’s something related and pretty funny for you.

    Someone took the time to comment on a comment I made on a tweep’s Huff Post article. This person asked me why my daughter would care or be affected by Angelina’s right leg and why I blogged about it on http://diva-mama.com/

    So – since someone took the time to comment on MY comment, I commented back and this time, included YOUR blog as further proof that yes, some daughters do see, care and have opinions on the body images that flood the media and entertainment worlds.

    If you want to follow here is the link that started it all:


  21. Oh, my! This was easily one of the funniest posts I’ve read today!

    So lovin it! My 8 yr old said the same thing about JLO. She was all, “MOM! *eyes huge* I don’t like that you can see her boobs. That dress doesn’t fit her!”

  22. Who cares about the dresses I wish I could see them all naked! 🙂

    Excluding Nick Nolte of course.

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