2012 GOP Candidacy Qualification Test

For this year’s GOP Candidacy Qualification Test, please number each item from 1-17, in order of threat to our great nation, with 1 being most threatening to our nation, and 17 being least threatening although still probably very very threatening.




__Single mothers

__People who eat kale chips

__Prius owners

__Elitists that are not actual Presidential candidates

__Old people who want their social security, boo hoo hoo.


__New York

__Science “believers”

__Parents who don’t allow their kids to own toy guns

__Liberal women who want everyone to have an abortion which is all of them

__Keith Olbermann


__Immigrants who are not Sofia Vergara


Thank you for your submission. Your answers will be evaluated and your qualifications for candidacy assessed shortly. God bless America, but only the God that we say is God, not some other one you might be thinking of which would automatically disqualify you anyway. And have a nice day.



47 thoughts on “2012 GOP Candidacy Qualification Test”

  1. This makes me laugh, but not in a funny haha way. In a funny uh-oh way.

    But also in a funny haha way, I suppose, because you mention kale chips. And Sofia Vergara.

  2. Kale chips are always funny. Even to those of us who have eaten them. (I admit I betray my liberal sisters when I confess I really do prefer Mesquite BBQ Kettle Chips.)

  3. It’s only funny because it’s true. It’s a good thing I’m laughing, because if I wasn’t, I’d be crying my eyes out. (Thanks for the giggles, Liz!)

  4. Thanks for this! made my day! 🙂 I happen to be a TRUE Science BELIEVER (aka scientist… maybe we should really call ourselves prophets??) and therefore extra dangerous.

  5. I would be unable to complete this test on the grounds that I cannot determine where to place the kale chips in relation to humor and science. (The curlier ones really do bake better).

  6. Love this! And I now think I have reached the tipping point — have read about Kale chips enough and am impressionable enough that I think I have no choice but to try making some. My boys may never forgive me, but I can’t resist…

  7. So great! This is exactly why I can’t relate to republicans. I used to consider myself “purple”, but lately the republican party is a joke. To bring a more serious factor in (sorry), I will say I think there needs to be changes to social security and medicare, but simply that those need to become needs-based. I am a CPA, with old, wealthy clients who earn hundreds of thousands in interest (much of it tax exempt), dividends, and other investments each year. They don’t need the 8K in social security each year. I am sorry, they just don’t. But obviously, it should be there if you need it. Taking out those who don’t need it, will help make sure it can be there for those who do.

    HOWEVER, I don’t think republicans want to do what I have outlined. Rich, old people are part of their base. Even democrats are terrified of them. No one wants to lost Florida.

    1. OR take a (slightly smaller) %age out for social security, but out of all wages — no cap. OR use interest income etc. the same way that “earning too much” reduces your social security — let’s let any realized capital gains, dividends, interest over a threshold do the same.

      There are really quite a few not huge changes that would make big changes in social security solvency long-term.

  8. I never realized how scary I am. I’m surprised my conservative friends don’t scream when I walk into a room.

  9. Uh-oh. My most recent post is about me buying a Prius. I, clearly, am a huge threat. Thank goodness I have never eaten a kale chip.

  10. I thought kale chips came with the Prius. Check back with the dealer.

  11. Nova! They should move that liberal propaganda (aka science) onto MSNBC where it belongs. Also, Romney will de-fund PBS, so it won’t be able to keep airing there anyway.

  12. I should be working right now but couldn’t resist. Hilarious. Execept it’s not really. The perfect way to kick off the RNC Conference in Tampa which I’ll be watching on TV while munching on kale chips and swigging my soy-milk smoothie.

  13. Scary. Their definition of “elitist” has nothing to do with money or privilege, but education. Help.

    I’m a kale chip eating, science believing, elitist feminist who would never buy a toy gun – so I guess I’m the enemy.

    1. I always thought so too. But now I realize elitist is just a term to disparage “not us” and try to reframe the GOP candidates as “more like you people.” Because if George Bush and the rest of the Kennebunkport clan are not elitists I don’t know who is.

  14. Honestly, I never thought our country would be moving backwards when it comes to women’s rights. And why are so many women actually supportive of a man’s “right” to make decisions for them? I am astounded and fearful. We have to keep up the good fight ladies for our right to watch Nova while eating Kale!

  15. You know there’s a huge problem here when Ronald Reagan would be considered the biggest liberal in the room at the convention.

    Many years ago – 12+ – I read an article in a magazine – Time, maybe? about the zealous religious right taking over the Republican party and what it meant for America’s political system. It’s downright eerie how accurate their prediction was. It leaves reasonable Repubs (they do exist!) out in the cold.

  16. If it weren’t so scary, it would be wildly funny. Since when did caring about the environment & the rights of those less privileged then ourselves become “elitist?” That’s some scary, scary thinking. I agree with Gabrielle, above, that what has been left off this list is VAGINAS. Kale eating, Prius driving, Keith Olbermann watching, non Sofia Vergara, hoochies. Scary scary scary, must be regulated at all costs (by which I mean, who cares about science, biology, actuality, logic, common sense, or demographics).

  17. This is terrifying. Why? Why must you do these things to me before I go to bed? Now I’m going to have horrific nightmares in which Republicans turn A Handmaid’s Tale into reality. And also make all men have the same godawful haircut.

    1. Is he running for office?

      Most of the sensible republicans I know are no more happy about this list than you are.

  18. Sounds like somebody has been watching too much Newsroom. If I wasn’t so busy at work right now, I could come up with an equally ludicrous list for Democrat extreme left-wingers. (For example: Honey Boo Boo) In all seriousness, do you think that the country will get anywhere when 50% of people are mocking the other 50%? I, for one, would like to see a real, serious discussion about the issues – from both sides.

    1. Not mocking anyone but the current crop of candidates. Is Honey Boo Boo one? Shit I’m so far behind on my reality TV.

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