Hellooooooo, Ta-Tas

The boobs now enter a room a full ten minutes before I do.

No, they do not have names. Names? Pfffft. They do not require names. They require their own zip code.

I have tried for as long as possible to continue wearing the nice new bras I bought just before finding myself knocked up again, the bras that are somehow able through a combination of magic and lyrra to keep the breastesses hiked an acceptable height above the navel region. But now at merely 18 weeks, as the old bastardized cliche goes, my cups runneth over.

I fear it’s time to go shopping.

“Can’t you dig out the bras you used last time,” Nate asked? Oh, Nate. Poor, sweet, naiive Nate, thinking of the comfy cotton Bravados of my first pregnancy. He of all people should notice there is one huge (no pun intended) difference between this time and last time, and that is the elevation of said breasts in their natural state. First pregnancy? Gravity still on my side. Second pregnancy? Call in the heavy equipment. These things are not to be left to swing, sway, or otherwise be left unharnessed in a non-underwire environment.

Seriously, they could kill a man.

(Who’s to say they haven’t already?)

And so now I’m considering taking the walk of shame into the Upper West Side undergarment emporium where I still have a credit, past the sweet lacy A and B cups, right toward the dank, dark back corner frequented by generously proportioned grandmothers and sumo wrestlers. The selection here, for those of you lucky women in the normal boob size range–let’s say D and under–is not comprised of those pretty little things you see in the windows of lingerie shops, on Christmas wish lists, or on the covers of the catalogs that your husbands deny bringing into the bathroom when you’re not around. No, these technological marvels are kept “in the back room” where they won’t scare away paying customers or unsuspecting small children. They are big. They are scary. They are not adorned with feminine flourishes like lace or bows or darling pink rosettes. (Surely the tatting on something that size would bring the cost to something inaccessible to all but those who can afford a surgical reduction in the first place.) No, these bras are all business.

And if it’s not enough to be subjected to a selection of undergarments so heinous that you fear dying in one of them, the way children are taught to fear wearing dirty underwear in case of an accident–you must then face the back-of-the-store saleswomen.

You see, those lingerie stores, they know what they’re doing. While the sexy young college coeds work in view of the storefront windows, those of us in the multi-D section are assisted by saleswomen with stern teutonic accents and icy, arthritic hands who examine our half-naked bodies under the cellulite-enhancing flourescents while insisting on bringing us “beeger, beeger.”

It’s a shopping experience not to be missed. If I disliked you enough, I’d insist you try it sometime.

Of course the frowning sales help will try and steer me towards the proper maternity bras, with admonisments about underwires and clogged milk ducts and who knows what absurd study they’re spewing at pregnant women these days. But this time around, I refuse to wear some sad, saggy, cotton number that passes off its bvd-style undercup band as “support.” That is not support. That is no more support to someone of my abundance as a motivational poster is to someone in need of Thorazine. Bravado bras? My old friends? I regret to inform you that your time has come and gone. The milk ducts will have to fend for themselves; I’m going for looks this time around.

My biggest fear may be the actual size of the bras I know I must come to terms with buying. I do not want to know how many consecutive Ds will appear on the label of the garment that requires two able women just to transport it from the back room to the register. I imagine it will read something like: 36DDDDDDD (cont’d on other side).

I don’t know if I can handle that.

You self-proclaimed small breasted women, you only think you are jealous. You say you wish that you had my planet-sized knockers instead of your own mosquito bites (your words), but I can assure you that you do not. Let’s just say the last time around, when people insisted that I was only four (five, six) months pregnant at 7 months, my OB explained it was because my enormous chest made my belly looked small in comparison. To say nothing of the discomfort. Or how these monstrous things affect my wardrobe–how Oxford shirts cannot be buttoned, how tees can’t be too fitted, how sweaters only serve to double my size. Cute materni-tees? Out. Me hiding in my apartment for the next five months? Very, very in.

“Well at least it’s winter,” some say. “Hide behind your heavy winter clothes.” “Ah yes,” I reply. “Because pregnant women are always so cold. That will work nicely.”

There is just no real solution except to grin through the lower back pain and bear it. Humor certainly helps. As does the comforting notion that my breast man sigOth has no issues with this whatsoever, even if he still does still gawp open-mouthed every night when I unleash the beasts.

Maybe when we move to LA we should consider the Valley after all. When your neighbors have names like Maxi Mounds and Tawny Peaks, something tells me you just don’t feel so freakishly large.


60 thoughts on “Hellooooooo, Ta-Tas”

  1. They keep the double A’s in that backroom too. But they made me go in one of the front dressing rooms and then announced my required size over the loudspeaker. fun times.Sorry you’re so uncomfortable! And good on you for not heading to Upper Breast Side just yet. That is to be delayed as long as possible, IMO.

  2. I swear I’m not giggling at your expense. I swear.But you’ve sparked a memory – nay, a flashback – for even those of us with so-called mosquito bites. Breasts that rested on top of my pregnant belly. Worse than peeing on my hand every week at my OB appointment.

  3. I feel your pain. I am still sqeezing into a double D when my pregnancy bras are H. The line from my underwire is hitting me mid boob. Time to go bra shopping. When my mother tried on nursing bras and told the sales lady her size, she replied, “Well moo, moo!” I kid you not. She looked a little surprised that the words had crossed her lips.

  4. Can I take half of that abundance for you? I imagine if you were half your size, you’d be happy, and if I were half your size, I’d be happy . . .

  5. LOL. I’m sorry for laughing. I used to long for bigger breasts, and then my stint as a dairy cow convinced me otherwise. Funny post about what I know must be a very unfunny issue. My heart goes out to you.

  6. How funny. I am a new reader of your blog, and I just wanted to let you know that I have found a GREAT nursing bra. It’s cute AND “gasp” lacy, and has underwire and is low cut so you dont have to wear a turtle neck. It’s called “seamless stretch lace underwire nursing bra by anita” and it goes up to an F (lucky for me). http://breakoutbras.stores.yahoo.net/sestlaunnubr.html

  7. you just confirmed all my greatest fears about pregnancy. i’m not there yet, and i’m terrified of the day i will be. i’m a 32HH. naturally of course, and i’m honestly petrified of what i will do when i’m pregnant, and nursing. i can’t find bras now that fit. i don’t know how i will when that day rolls around!

  8. When I was pregnant, I had gone to Austin to watch SwingDaddy in a cycling event and the cold day unexpectedly turned sunny. I took off my sweatshirt, enjoyed the afternoon in my tank top, and ended up with a dramatic tan line highlighting my boobs like I’d been wearing a very weird bikini. I looked in the mirror in shock that night and said, ‘Hello, Anna Nicole.’

  9. I have a similar boob problem and I’m also pregnant with #2. Of course I’m due in two weeks or so so I’m staring down the barrel of the extra expansion of engorgement. FUN! NOT! My boobs hardly grew with my last pregnancy, which was a blessing because I started out at an F cup but by the time I was done with breastfeeding they came out to something close to an H. This time around I’ve had some growth during pregnancy and, believe it or not, my doctor credits this to the fact that I haven’t gained as much weight this time around. I bought the Fancee Free Super heavy duty, something your grandma would wear, nursing bras this time around. In a 40I. They have a very small amount of room to grow in them. The Bravado 40H’s don’t fit at all. I can barely get the damn things done up they push my boobs aroud my chest like an innertube. LOL.

  10. I feel your pain. In spades. I was forcing myself into the D’s of denial when I was 18, but I was actually an EE when I had the girls reduced. (And this was WAY before kids.) After the surgery, I was happy with a healthy 36C. I could buy pretty bras! I could buy clothes! I could buy a bathing suit and not have dirty old men leering at me!When I was pregnant the first time I refused to give up my pretty bras, which got pretty uncomfortable when I was jamming the girls in. After the the second kid, I had no choice. I’d been fooling myself long enough. Of course, after two kids I’ve expanded to a D, but I’m still way better off than I was. Hell, I was a freak-show! My favorite post-reduction anecdote. I told my mom before surgery not to tell anyone, and if anyone noticed we’d just say I lost weight. Well, my mom is the town crier and of course can’t keep her mouth shut, so she told everyone. My aunt’s husband’s response, “You really think I wouldn’t have noticed that?” Anyway, that has little to do with your situation, but I certainly know what it’s like to have freak-show-like boobs!

  11. Kristen – <>“Great<> – 1. Of an extent, amount or intensity considerably above the normal or average. 2. Very large or imposing.So yes, I will agree with you here. Indiegrl, Dee Dee and Jackie – THANK YOU for the suggestions and for delurking to give them! Jotting them on the back of the credit receipt as we speak. I’ll report back hopefully with happy results.

  12. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could share a bit of your, um, wealth with others?Here, you take some breast, and you can have a cup size portion, and you over there with the little nibblers? You can have two cup sizes.

  13. When I was pregnant with my first, some cruel woman told me that boobs shrink after weaning. She kept spinning tales of women who ended up with no breasts after nursing. I clung to this notion like a little life boat in a sea of breastmilk. Effin’ liar!Now, I donate my used bras to skydivers to use as their reserve chutes.

  14. This might be a reach, Liz, but since you’re about my age, do you remember that old 70’s movie “Fast Break” starring Gabe Kaplan? Anyway, the film is about NYC-hoops guru Kaplan taking a job as a basketball coach in Nevada. In order to ensure success, he decides to bring his streetballers from Harlem. One of them, Swish, is a girl masquerading as a guy in order to follow her hoop dreams. Anyway, Swish has a fairly large chest so, in order to conceal her true identity, she tapes her breasts down every day with these giant ace bandages. Mayeb this would work in real life? Ok…I’m leaving now.

  15. Oh… dear. No, I’m not jealous. I went up to a 36D during pregnancy/breastfeeding (that probably sounds small to you, but I felt ginormous) and was astounded at how hard it was to find shirts that fit, once the belly was gone. I much prefer my tiny titties, thanks. My condolences on your… erm… gain.

  16. Oh my god, I feel you. (although that is probably a poor choice of words). I just wrote about this today. Since it’s my first pregnancy, it took me a few months to get over the “wow I’ve finally got big tits” factor. Now, I’m just over it. I finally went and bought new bras, waiting as long as I could to see how much more they would grow and I think I may have to buy even more because these suckers just keep on expanding. I hearken back to a few months ago when I was so enthralled with my new bosoms. I couldn’t stop looking down at them, pressing them in and up, showing them to my husband. Now, I can’t keep them out of my way.

  17. OK– I do feel bad for you and your boobies. But at 15 weeks, I’m still waiting to spill out of my regular 32 A’s! I mean, c’mon. The local Victoria Secrets doesn’t even CARRY my size… even in the back room.(And if it makes you feel any better, at our lake parties you will be remembered as the gal with the nice ta-tas. My sister and I just looked like we forgot to put on bug spray).

  18. The boobs are big? Is that what you’re saying?I’m sure they are perfect. Mine just sagged the entire time I was pregnant!

  19. It feels so good to come across an entry that just says it all so well. I’m 9 weeks and spilling out of my 36F bras already. Hubby is excited, but I don’t know why. Isnt’ there a point when they are big enough???I already have my plastic surgeon picked for after I’m done having kiddos. Who am I kidding? I have the boobs picked out too. 36C sounds good to me!

  20. Don’t forget that as the belly moves up to join forces with the Breastesses, the underwire will dig into the belly and get verra uncomfortable….From one of the average girls that went from a B to a DDD with DS and from a C to an EE with DD. Do I get to keep it, prolly not…..but I have the swingage now, that I did not have.

  21. I’ve been wearing an underwire nursing bra for the past ten months, and I’ve never had any problems. I was hesitant to do it, because in my breastfeeding class they were like NO UNDERWIRE OR YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT! But that elastic just doesn’t cut it. I realized that when I looked in the mirror one day and saw I had accidentally tucked my boobs into my waistband with my shirt. (Ok that didn’t happen but damn they were low) What sucks for me is that I’m a normal size, but the saggage is bad. I feel like I would be vindicated if I at least had some huge knockers.

  22. I don’t envy you. Especially now with a child. I have enough to do without trying to work around boob issues! Good luck with the bra nazis.

  23. I feel your pain. I was a 36DD before I got pregnant with my first chid. I’m now a 38H. I can’t imagine how big I will be after I have another child. I swear that after I get done breastfeeding my second child I will have a breast reduction.

  24. I so love nursing with big boobs. The baby needs help with support. Let’s talk how easy it is to be discreet in those first few months. To my horror I measured 34 H. I want to cry. The hubby doesnt get it. He keeps handing me the Victoria’s Secret catalogs that they keep torturing me with in the privacy of my home. He just knows that there is something in there that will fit. Yea, it fits in the lower half, but not the top. I think Ms Victoria needs to buy a clue. I was shopping, Saturday, and found the perfect top. I love the look, but sadly it was a button up top. I tried it, anyway because it was so cute. Yea, the second button screamed when I went to close it. I left with my head hung low and cursing my large, sagging breasts.

  25. gravity, must be a mans invention. Just so you know, they may get even bigger after birth!My boobs got biggest five days after birth, they were so big and sore that I could not fit them into anything. I just tied them up with two pieces of cloth to my neck and ran around bare like a cow ready to explode in a mist of milk! I had to sleep upright for three nights until they finally got smaller and more manageable. I think my babys were actually afraid of the beasts!

  26. Even though I can barely claim Almost-A status on my very best of days, your description made me feel like I was right there in the back-room warehouse with you and the gnarly German saleswomen. I love your perspective!

  27. Man, I’m going through some serious boob envy.When I was nine months pregnant with my third, I still never managed to bust out of my A cups.Now, they are so small and droopy that I just put thread on my nipple rings to pull them up and out!Kidding. Sort of! Good luck with the bra shopping.

  28. You’re the first woman I know to correctly identify two big boob porn stars. Or did Nate help you out with that?I’m told by a certain someone that the UWS oasis is over-rated. I’m also told that there is “no hope” for her. Good luck!

  29. You know, my boobs DID shrink after weaning. Which they totally did not need to do. But maybe after Baby #2 weans, yours will shrink too. You can hope, right?

  30. Have I mentioned how excited I am to have you and your huge breasteses over her in LA LA Land with us??? I’ll finally have some competition. Oooooh – catfight! ;p

  31. I don’t care how bad you make it sound. I’m still jealous! Although you do make a good case. It’s true, I can button my shirts!

  32. Mine are holding steady at their just-peed-on-the-stick state (larger than normal, but not growing), but my bras are starting to give out. It may be time to go up a size or two. I just found out that Lane Bryant will be carrying maternity clothes soon, including bras, and I can’t wait. Their regular bras go up to size H, I think, so if you need a large cup, you might try there, too.

  33. Girl, whatever you do, do not move to the Valley. Trust me on this. 🙂I laugh at the pretty store…Victoria Secret’s, I believe it is called. Truly the secret is who can wear it.

  34. As a mosquito-bitten mama myself, I have always aspired to upgrade to say more of a walnut-size. But after reading this, well, this just sounds awful! It gives new meaning to smothering someone in kisses. Warn the husband and wee child, you are a walking weapon!

  35. I know you’re uncomfortable and all, but you’re so damn FUNNY about it! Someone nominate this for December’s perfect post!(Just because I’m laughing doesn’t mean I don’t feel for you.)

  36. Your boobs are blocking the sun over here in Sweden. Oh wait, I forgot it’s winter and we don’t see the sun for another three months.Wife got the same “problem” with the boobs. Makes running, working out, and playing tennis difficult when she’s got like 5 gallons of milk in there at all times. She wants to have a boob lift after we’re done with kid #2 and I’ve politely suggested that we also increase the size to Jordan (Katie Price) proportions. Which would be like todays size. Something tells me she’ll chop me up and feed me to the Swedish polar bears before that happensAD

  37. From this Multi-D Gal to all the gals with manageable boob size: I AM WILLING TO DONATE/SAHRE/GIVE YOU SOME OF MINE. I am with Mom101 here—-you THINK you are jealous but really you are the lucky ones who can buy a bra at a normal store (think: Target for instance) and not have to spend $60 per bra every single time. You are also the ones who can wear a tank top in he summer without your Boulder Holder. Oh yes, you are not jealous of us multi-Ds. We are jealous of you!!!

  38. The icing on the cake is you now have to beware of the lustful ogling from the likes of Kid Rock. I’m sure hiding in your apartment is even more enticing.

  39. BWAHAHAHA where did you get that picture!It’s amazing what being pregnant does to the boobs. I am still putting up with my up-a-cup-size chest three months after my baby was born.Hang in there — I mean, I hope you don’t have to “hang” in there….

  40. Ditto Dee dee recommendation. And as much as you think you need underwire let a fellow F size tell you that you really don’t. One day of a clogged duct (which happened within HOURS of wearing an underwire bra) sent me running back to my softcup bras in shame of thinking the LCs didn’t know what they were talking about.

  41. My husband’s favorite part of the pregnancy boobage was the dirty look I’d give him after he sang “Free, Free, Set Them Free” whenever I’d take my bra off. Feelin’ your pain, but thankin’ you for the laughs.

  42. Joggers.Last time I Gave Up and got jogging bras, complete with really thick straps. At the time, they felt awesome. Not, mind you, that I am advocating jogging or running. Unless you are in danger, which is a mighty good time to run.Then I can save the stern Teutons with hands of ice and steel for the pregnancy massages.

  43. Join me then, in boycotting Victoria’s Secret, who only sell up to a D. When I went in with my pregnancy E boobs, looking for a strapless bra, I was outraged. When I walked by, months later with my breastfeeding G-cups, I wished I could throw eggs. The ladies in Nordstrom made me cry when I asked them for help.

  44. hmmm…i have no idea of the trouble you speak of…but i tell you, i’d like to switch places for a day, just to see how different it is. because i am betting it’s enormous (no pun, really)

  45. this is hard for me to imagine. wood still talks about how much she loved your perky, giant boobs, and that was pre-pregnancy.

  46. When my son was born my boobs were bigger than his head, I remember. Now I have 2 kids, both weaned, and I wear one size *smaller* than before I got pregnant in the first place. My extended family tell me they’re never coming back. *sigh*

  47. Sadly, these are not my usual ‘mosquito bite’ boobs. These are my ‘full nursing’ boobs. I’m not sure why they still fit into my little 34A bras but they sure look bigger to me! I’m not sure I’ll ever stop nursting b/c, my God, what will they look like after almost 6 continuous years of either nursing or being pregnant? I keep thinking ‘deflated balloons’ and that makes me sad.Oh, and I’m sorry for your situation. While I am envious of those with larger ones, that just sounds painful! But, my sister is right—you’ve always been known among our friends as the one with the nicest rack. I’m just known as the one who says the most idiotic things, pees in public and falls down a lot.

  48. ok–that does it. there is a preponderance of boob posts. they are calling me like a siren. i pronouce tomorrow “joy posts on lactacting boobs which are actually full and boob-like for onece in her life, <>but don;t be touchin’ them or you’ll get it in the eye<>“

  49. Oh my god that’s hilarious! No! No! I mean, I feel your pain!I wore Bravados for both of my pregnancies. Surprisingly, even though I’m a D cup, I pretty much remained a D cup through pregnancy and nursing and after. I gained most of my fat in my inner-thighs… and trust me, that wasn’t a lot more fun than what you described here!

  50. Oh, I feel your pain, I do! What a witty writer you are. Isn’t it great that at least we can do that??? Yeah, I know, it doesn’t make the boobs smaller. Sharing our stories does help though. I definitely appreciate all you wrote. Pre-pregnancy I was a 34DD, at 5’5” and weighing only abt 115lbs – I always joke my boobs are those 15 lbs. I have experienced more frustration and sadness for my large chest than anything else. For some lucky reason though, the pregnancy gurus were right – even though I grew to a 34 E and F during my 2nd pregnancy, I shrunk down to a D afterwards!!! It was the joy of my life to be a D!! Only one D! Not DD, not DDD, not DDDDDDDDDDD! But a D. Here are some of my “little girl with naturally big boob facts” from the perspective of the people I’ve come in contact with about this issue:– “She says she’d love to have a smaller chest, but as we all know, she is lying, because secretly she enjoys the attention she gets from 80 year old leches and 13 old middle schoolers when she’s trying to keep her two toddler boys in line in the saturday morning grocery check out line.” – “She always slouches, the poor girl, she should stand up straight, she has something to show for after all, why does she have such poor self-esteem?”– “Oh no, why isn’t she slouching anymore? Look what a skank she is, she is pushing out her knockers like nobody’s business, who does she think she is? That’s not what we meant when we said she should stop slouching!”– I’m a natural seducer. I contemplate about 50 percent of my day on how to seduce every guy I know, and the other 50 percent on the newest, kinkiest, naugthiest manoevers I could come up with in bed. – I’m a natural narcissist.– I’m a natural skank. Since I have big boobs, I love my body so much, I just can’t help show it off. (This is my MIL’s opinion; she said to me one day: “As we all know, you are naturally immodest – but it’s ok, if you’ve got it, why not show it off” – I cried for the rest of the day after that.)

  51. Honestly, those women who still don’t get it and still want gargantuan boobs still don’t understand…while they’re prancing around in their adorable little coordinating sets wishing their husbands would buy them boob jobs, we have to stick to the basics: beige (ugh), black, and white. Maybe pink. The prints look awful! We can’t buy them in Target or Gap or wherever because a lot of people think normal boobs go up to C. I remember the day I found out I was a DD. Depressing! Sad! Like, omg, when I get older, they’re only gonna get worse…lol.

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