Carry On My Wayward Googlers: spring 2012 edition

google search barIt’s been way too long, my friends, since I’ve looked at my stats to see which search terms have brought the stranger members of society inadvertently to this blog. Then mocked them.

It’s interesting to see how the average intelligence of the internet at large has increased since 2006, 2007, 2008. In other words, not much. Not much.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

susan how many children do she has

why the snoody bitch not invite my kid
Perhaps because you refer to her as a snoody bitch? Just a guess.

what are 50 words to apresiate
Let’s start with “appreciate” and move on from there.

why victoria secret puts nude women in their papers?
I’d imagine nude men don’t look as good in push-up bras

why are some women half naked
Baby steps. Baby steps.

scary ass kids toys
Probably the worst idea for a kids toy I have seen yet.

mommy blog dark circles
It’s true, we run in dark circles. Blame it on the satanic music we play at our meetings

facebook confession ideas
Forgive me Mark Zuckerberg, for I have sinned. It has been 12 minutes since I last checked my timeline.

things a daycare should never say
“So you do know that after 10 weeks, we get to keep her.”

hi colonics
Hi yourself, sailor


Hopefully they are asking for other people, and not in fact spawning themselves.

baby resemble mom or dad
That would be the ideal situation, I suppose. Especially for dad.

My husband puts acdc up loud in car and I’m pregnant now
Is that all it takes to get pregnant? Duggars, your secret is out.

born free then caged
Hey, beats duct tape.

baby shower my cankles in hells photo
Spoiler alert for first trimester moms.

dr sears weaning
Are there pictures of that? I for one would like to see how his boobs turned out.

breastfeeding playlist
RHCP: Mothers Milk
E-Rotic: Don’t Make Me Wet
Jet: Look What You’ve Done To Me

toddler moody
Alert the authorities.

kids swimsuits that are padded – where to find them.

how to no my 4 yo child smart or no
I hate to break it to you…

Where to buy really cool baby
The baby store, duh.


Oh, internet perverts. Where would my traffic be without you?

barney XXX
Oh god, like the regular G-rated Barney isn’t scarring enough

i don’t wear underwear
We all need to share sometimes. I understand and I’m glad I could be here for you.

french maid photo of sean hannity
I changed my mind. Barney XXX isn’t so bad.

slutty girls in slutty outfits
As opposed to those slutty girls in floor-length modesty clothes. (Also hot. In its own way. Maybe.)

moms in thongs
We aim to frighten.

world’s biggest boobs of genius book records
I’m just glad women are finally being recognized for both their bodies and their brains.

sexsy mom neede cosk usa
Lovelorn gentleman need english-thai dictionary

worst pair of nipples ever
See also: Dr. Sears weaning

jenny lawson.
Oh gross. How did this even make it through my filter?


The investigative reporters are onto us.

the truth about mommy blogs
I will tell you right after this word from my sponsor.


Foodies? Maybe?

tuna fish brand
It’s so cruel to use those things on poor tuna fish.

real pictures of grapes
Because retouching has become a huge issue in the grape self-esteem movement.

prada without high fructose corn syrup
Good lord, it’s in everything these days.

how to make eggs taste great
You have come to the wrong place and your refund is forthcoming.

is greek yogurt okay for kids?
All but Turkish kids.

what kind of condiments make hair grow
Grey Poupon works wonders, but you have to apply it directly to the scalp.


My very favorite kind of search

free advertising on mommy blogs
Yeah, take a number.


And you thought moms in thongs was weird.

old vagina fun
I’m sure the old vagina will be pleased to hear this

vagina moms
The next logical follow up to the Walmart moms?

show me the best naked women
I demand the best, dammit!

god loves milfs

moms fedam peeing
No clue.

bi tatas
They go both ways.

my girlfriend’s mom hates me genital wartss
Are these related queries? Because I have a theory.


Try though I might, sometimes I just have no freaking idea what they’re talking about

mel cries father leg cramps amazing

mommy tgo bobbs

why to pregnet women get gaseos

how come peole with fas don’t wash themselves


A little randomy randomness

hernia and helena
A Midsummer Night’s Abdominal Injury: Not entirely what Shakespeare had intended

something i can put on twitter
Groucho glasses? A kicky cloche?

what has fingers and thumbs but no arms?
A hand? Wild guess.

pretty street names
Unicorns and Daffodils and Princess Lane (this answer brought to you by my five year old)

dora explorer perfume
Smells like tacos and abandonment

go “club med” sex
Go! Go! We’re rooting for you, club med sex!

growing up catholic leaves you a no social life virgin loser
Angry Buddhist alert.

staying alive kids outfit
Go to Search for “bubble wrap.”

101 stupid questions
This post should get you started.

websites that scare the crap out of yous

Ulysses Chutes and Ladders
It goes on and on and on and on…


I’ve still got it!

mom101 milf

Proof that sometimes spelling really matters

free picks of big butts
I appreciate the offer, but no thank you.



Thanks Huffington Post for including this in your best of the mom/dad blogs of the week. Glad you liked the ACDC one too.


42 thoughts on “Carry On My Wayward Googlers: spring 2012 edition”

  1. Oh god, how I’ve missed these. Thankfully none of my searches made it on this list. Though I kinda wish that I was the one who searched the “My husband played ACDC on the radio” one because that is awesome.

    Also, off to patent radio condoms.

  2. I almost forget that my WordPress stats even track this stuff. Top two weirdo searches as of this morning:

    “how to stop obsessed co wirrker printing every email”: Or maybe “how to show your co-worker how to use spell check

    or this gem “aly ass movives”. Hmm. I didn’t know my ass was in the movives.

  3. I think the last one may be my favorite.

    Thanks for this-started my day off with a great laugh!

  4. Thankyouverymuch, now my co-workers really think I am crazy, with the sporadic outbursts of laughter

      1. I am reading them again today for the 2nd (1oth?20th?) time, and I am still laughing 🙂

  5. Oh these are funny! Nothing remotely as interesting has shown up in my search list yet, but I have a friend who keeps googling my name followed by ‘eats babies’ just to see if it will end up there.

    (I want to know about hernia and helena.)

    1. I’ve been stuck with DOOCE next to ABORTION on my most searched widget for a few years now.
      I had been thinking about asking everyone to search something specific and weird to bump it out. Damn, you already got eats babies. Any other ideas?

  6. wow, this is better than plus i always suspect that most of those are made up anyway (though still funny). But like i said, these are better. thanks for brightening up my tuesday-that-is-really-a-monday.

  7. Farking hilarious. I had a whole series of posts once spawned by the search “what does breastmilk taste like” (melted ice cream, according to my then toddler). But I rarely look anymore to see what gets the curious to my site. I must go investigate!

  8. “Smells like tacos and abandonment”–I’m dying over here. Those are awesome. Other than “sardine popcorn maker” (how’s THAT for a healthy snack?) mine are all related to ballet dancers and spoiled brats. No comment.

  9. I’ll raise you your Barney Porn for a minimum of one search per day on Kevin Bacon’s penis. Not a day goes by that somebody does not go looking for it to no avail on my blog.

  10. Just had to let you know I thought this post was FREAKING Hilarious! What a laugh, thank you! Barney XXX, indeed!

  11. I love my crazy google searches. Unfortunately today’s are just boring nicu nurse, labor-y stuff except for multivulture week at elementary school. I might need to google what multivulture is.
    Yours truly entertain.

  12. Oh, really made me laugh, and needed it! Need to go check my keywords now, but feeling I won´t be able to live up to this. I mean, what kind of SEO plugin are you using??!

  13. “hi colonics
    Hi yourself, sailor”
    This made me spit out my coffee. The list is great. Your responses? Effing priceless!

  14. “Staying Alive” kids outfit. I think I bought that for someone once as a joke.

    I seem to get ‘Strawberry Shortcake the Nudist’ all the time.

  15. I laughed so hard I peed a little. Thanks for the reminder to keep up with my postpartum kegels!

  16. to show where my brain is, the first thought i had when i saw “dark circles” was like under-the-eyes, tired dark circles. not evil-like-satan dark circles.

    clearly i need more sleep.

  17. Now I want to go check my stats:) The pervert ones are always the most disturbing. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of saying semen in a few posts. You can imagine some of the things that resulted from that one!

    “The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself.”

  18. I’m sure everyone who searched these things and got to your place clicked the “I’m feeling lucky” button… ;-P

    These are SO funny!!!

  19. hahaha these are hysterical! I have never thought to look through my GA for search terms, but I’m totally going to do it now!

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