The first things to go after becoming a mom – An egregiously abridged list.

Ten of…well, many.

1 The boobs

2. The bladder

3 Weekend mornings that start at 10.

4. Expeditious thank you note writing

5. The abs.

6. The once tightly held belief in the necessity of clean clothing

7. The once tightly held belief that popsicles do not count as a fruit

8a. Girls Night Out

8b. Girls Night In

9. Dignity (See also: Sure doctor, no problem. In fact, why don’t you all have a closer look?)

10. Saying “get in this bed NOW” in all but one tone of voice, and it’s not a sexy dominatrix one.


46 thoughts on “The first things to go after becoming a mom – An egregiously abridged list.”

  1. Most of the things on the list I never had to begin with, or got back when the kids got older. A couple I plan to get back some day with surgery.

  2. A few more:

    –The luxury of being sick in bed (I’m sick at home as we speak and trying hard to get up and do things)
    –A neat home
    –Sex whenever you feel like it

    1. How sad that once being sick was luxurious in some way. So true Barbara!
      For some of us, the neat home was lost with our relationship, not with our children. I’ll leave it at that.

  3. Hahaha– Brilliant. I’d add to my own list, “my firm stance against plastic surgery or fake boobs.”

  4. The ability to go to the gym and workout whenever you wanted.
    Oh god, the bladder. I miss just being able to sneeze without crossing my legs.
    My garden. I never seem to have time for my garden.

    1. I suggest that as one surgery which is truly important- I don’t believe we should “get used to it.” Bladder control surgery is not cosmetic. It wasn’t bad and so, so worthwhile.

  5. Here’s one thing you gain though….going to the dentist actually becomes a break!

    1. That just truly frightened me.
      “Thanks for the drilling, doc. I really needed that break.”

  6. Can I add – privacy? My two and a half year old who is potty training (and has recently learned to turn on a flashlight) caught me on the toilet the other day, shined a light on me and asked, “Mama, what doing? You doing a big poo poo?” Then he tried to use the flashlight to see the -er business. Lovely. I’d also like to the list add long phone calls with friends and family because my son either wants my attention or wants to be ON the phone. Finally, weekly hair appointments. I used to do this all the time and no longer can because I can’t find the time. Oh – and casually browsing in a store — not done that in so long I can’t even remember.

  7. I managed to get the abs back, but the boobs got all shot to hell because I’m “mom enough” and nursed my kids for like, ever.

    So now I’ve got abs that kind of morph into my not-boobs, not-boobs that kind of look like misplaced abs. Alas.

    And #4. #4! I’ve felt so rude. Glad I’m not alone.

  8. Add daily showers to the list! This is fine at home but last week I had
    to grocery shop without showering. That seemed to be a l ow
    point…especially considering I am a former neat freak.

  9. The boobs… go? I went from a D to a DD and they never went back, and now I’m even bigger since I’m pregnant and I look perverted no matter what I’m wearing because my chest is just so dang in your face. DO NOT LIKE.

  10. Hahaha. This made my day. Here’s a few more:
    1. Shiny, beautiful hair.
    2. Uninterrupted sleep.
    3. Budget for retail therapy.
    4. Confidence to get naked with the lights on.
    Oh, the good old days.

  11. Hahaha, brilliant. My boobs actually don’t look too shabby, but I’m only 25 and I’ve only had one baby. Ask me again in a few years.

  12. Something I mourn: Enjoying the entire carton of icecream to myself.
    I mean, I’m all about sharing and teaching my daughter to share. But when it comes to me and my evening dessert? That’s true sacrifice right there.

  13. So funny and so true… some more for me..
    11. Being able to chew my meal instead of inhaling it quickly waiting for the next shoe to drop somewhere
    12. Having to spend my fun money on clothes for the kids instead of those cute wedges at Saks
    13. Having to wait for award winning movies to come out on DVD because now when we go to the movies it’s to see The Muppets or some bad Disney movie where I’m sure the mother is already dead.

  14. I’d definitely add “peeing alone” to this list. When I go into the bathroom, it’s the same as calling for an urgent family meeting.

  15. 11. Visits to restaurants that do not have colour-in menus.
    12. The once tightly held belief that car has to be clean clean because it is for driving only (and not breakfast/snacks/dinners/dollar store trinkets and bubble gum and half-eaten lollipop storage)
    13. Control of remote control of any kind, for both spouses

    But then, on flip side I’ve gained automated phone call responder that yells “Hallo” to telemarketers, tells them a knock-know joke and then hangs up. What, honey, you are saying that was granny?

  16. Brain cells. Yep, I think with each child thousands of my brain cells were obliterated. It makes me feel like I should have done more drugs when I was younger (seeing as how I was going to lose them all anyway). Frankly, I can’t remember where I’m going, how I got there or why I’m there once I arrive. Wait… this in my online banking right? Shit.

  17. Damn that bladder. This weekend I accidentally let a friend’s Pomeranian escape out the front door and the unanticipated sprint meant I needed a pants change. I miss you, dignity.

  18. Boobs. Yes. I was looking at my half empty bra today and lamenting the fact that before child number two, I had no idea why anyone would need those little “bumper” pads at the bottom of the bra cup. Now I need them to prevent the ski slope effect. Sad. But true.

  19. Forget everything else, losing two inches of backfat and not boobs post-baby would MAKE my LIFE!

  20. How about the ability to drink a cup of coffee BEFORE it goes cold. Cold coffee, one of the few (unfortunately less appetizing) things that gets me through those 6am weekend mornings…

  21. When my son was a couple of months old and a glass slipped and shattered while I was taking it out of the dishwasher, and I got a serious cut on my wrist, and it took me like TWO HOURS to find someone to watch the baby so I could go the ER and get checked out and stitched up. (And yes I could have taken the baby I suppose but he had just gotten over being really sick and I didn’t want to make him wait in the ER with the germs).

    So maybe I would add “getting yourself to the ER in a timely fashion” to this list. But the reason I thought of the incident was actually Joy’s comment — because when my husband was driving me home from the hospital I remember saying, “Wait, wow — we’re ALONE! For the first time in WEEKS! It’s like a date!”

  22. I am sooo printing this list, highlighting #4, and including it in the thank you notes that are now 10 months late from my baby shower! (Granted, I had a 3 mo. NICU stay, but still… we’ve been home 7 months and I haven’t finished them yet!)

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