You know how that slutty Halloween costume would look better? On my bedroom floor, heh heh heh.


Dear Men of America,

I regret to inform you that this year I will not be participating in Hoochieween, Slut-o-ween, or whatever version of Halloween you imagine that features 50% of our country with their ass cheeks hanging out of their spandex skirts and their exposed boobs hoisted up to the heavens.

I understand that this could potentially jeopardize my national citizenship, from what I can tell. Possibly my right to vote. Definitely my chances of ever scoring a Playboy Mansion party invitation.

And I do realize that your disappointment may come as a shock  considering the displays of costume options for women in pretty much any store anywhere will easily lead even the most reasonable man to believe that every girl and woman in this country over the age of oh, 13, will leave her home on Thursday dressed like a sexy nurse, a sexy “teen maid to tease” (nothing like a good statutory rape themed costume, eh?), a sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, a sexy witch, a sexy M-n-M, a sexy zombie schoolgirl, a sexy prisoner who has to turn in her belt on admission, evidently, but gets to keep her fishnets.

I will not be dressed in a sexy Halloween costume simply called Sexy Halloween Costume which may be the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.

And above all, this year, once again, I will be rejecting my all-time personal favorite sexy Halloween costume: a sexy female Freddy Krueger.

(When I think sexy, I think psychopathic serial killer in an ugly striped t-shirt. Get me some of that!)

slutty costume, ho!


In the same vein, I apologize that I will not be sporting a slutty wig or slutty stockings or even a slutty wallet despite my fascination that such a thing even exists.

I will not be dressing up like a gardening tool, despite the number of Pimps and Hoes parties I see promoted.

I will not be reporting back on this year’s much talked-about Hackers and Hookers party in part because I don’t have a good hacker costume, and in part because I don’t want to go anywhere that socially inept men outnumber women of any kind by 40:1.

I know it’s disappointing to imagine that you may run into the rare woman on Halloween night who’s dressed as a Supreme Court Justice, a professional ball player, a Katnis Everdeen, or a police officer of the non-sexy variety, but you should prepare for such eventualities. In fact, if my daughters have it their way, I will be dressed as the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. As in, the actual building. Their thinking is that it will go with their own costumes, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley.

I won’t be a sexy Hogwarts either because that’s just weird. Buildings can’t wear fishnets.

Then again, neither can prisoners. So what do I know.

Enjoy your Halloween, gentlemen. Don’t eat too many Butterfingers. And keep your hands off the sexy French burlesque dancers.

At least in my town, most of them are not actual girls.



45 thoughts on “You know how that slutty Halloween costume would look better? On my bedroom floor, heh heh heh.”

  1. Testify, sister!!

    Also, sexy M&M?? Some dude at Food Costumes, Inc. thought, “If they want to dress like M&Ms, fine. But I’m gonna make damn sure they’re not BULKY M&Ms.” Freak.

    1. Frankly, when I eat an M&M I want it big and fat and full of peanutty goodness. Sexy won’t cut it for snack foods.

  2. Perfectly stated. We took our daughters to the Halloween store, since they both wanted to be Super Heroes and Target just had the pink, “girl” versions of costumes. Judging by the “teen” section, if you are in a training bra you’re expected to be dressed provocatively.

    1. It’s hard to take your girls into a costume store these days. Mine keep asking why all the women’s boobs are showing on the cover art. I want to say, “because they have low self-esteem, honey…” but that would require more explanation.

      1. So true!!!

        I hate that damned store. Too many questions I don’t want to answer. I had to divert their attention from the whole adult section by saying,”oh look at that gross monster over there.”

  3. It’s funny, I deliberately chose a costume that wasn’t overtly sexy. I wanted to be comfortable and proud of what I wore. The irony is that as we made the several-block trek to the car from the party, I passed tens of women spilling out of bars onto the sidewalk in panties and bras or cheek-grazing mini-skirts and bustiers, and I felt amazing.

    I’ll take my Rosie the Riveter jeans and toolbelt over itchy wigs and binding, cheap plastic tops any day.

  4. OMG that “Sexy Halloween Costume!” It’s not even trying. It’s like the Holy Roman Empire of sexy Halloween costumes, in that it is not sexy, nor Halloweenish, nor really a costume.

      1. I think it’s supposed to be sexy Michel Myers from the MOVIE “Halloween” – but they don’t make that very clear. And no self-respecting hottie would wear the hockey mask that would really complete the costume!

  5. My MIL apparently cleaned out the attic before visiting us, which meant that she brought all manner of crap masquerading as “gifts.” Except for one thing that totally rocked – a matchbox from Lips when it was still on Bank Street. Loved those girls.

    Anyway, yeah. Only thing better than a sexy Halloween costume is a sexy racist Halloween costume.

  6. Ugh, the whole thing just makes me so tired. How can there be no choices? Sexy everything means just one thing. And all the commercial girl costumes are pink, sparkly, or pink and sparkly. I don’t get how on a holiday where you get the chance to be anything you can dream up, we’re just supposed to show off that we are girls.

    I make my own kids’ costumes, but I wish I had time to make them for anyone who wanted them.

    1. If you’re in a healthy adult relationship, every night can be slutoween. But that is a different post for a different day.

  7. I just had to click through to slutty wallet, didn’t I. Letdown!

    I am, as always, a witch. A long black drapey dress witch. Nothing sexy about it. It’s for these two really grand hats I have.

    This, “…in part because I don’t want to go anywhere that socially inept men outnumber women of any kind by 40:1.”

    And that is why I no longer work in tech. 😉

    1. It’s awesome marketing, Julie! They took a travel wallet and rebranded it as slutty. BAM instant Halloween best seller.

  8. While we aren’t breaking out the supreme court justices, we’re big on “warrior women” in our house – This year I was Quorra from Tron (covered up and very comfy), and our 8 year old daughter is going as the gal from Avatar, which while a body suit gives me lots of rooms for warm clothing necessary for chilly New England Halloweens. I’m also trying to teach the kids that mommy will not spend $50 on a Halloween costume!

    1. Smart, Kristin! I’m starting to think that we should pick our costumes based on the weather. I’m so glad the Gryffindor robes leave room for heavy sweaters underneath.

      I don’t mind actually spending a bit on costumes because my girls wear them all year long. Actually, for many years. 2011’s witch is today’s 2013 Morgan Le Fay

      1. That’s a good point Liz – Especially for our daughter. 11 year old son’s costume requests are both a) very expensive and b) rarely used again. I swear this year he asked for a real knight costume…. with a real sword.

  9. Tell me you saw the Sexy Corn, Sexy Pizza, Sexy Watermelon and Sexy French Fries? Unreal what people will dress up as.

  10. With two girls, ages 7 and 4, we are dressing as the Ingalls family this year.

    I’m sure there’s a “sexy Laura Ingalls” costume out there but I’m too scared to search for it. (SELF, DO NOT GOOGLE. I REPEAT: DO NOT GOOGLE.)

    I don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to avoid the Slut-o-ween marketplace. It’s a sad sad state of affairs.

    1. This year I made myself a sun bonnet from cheetah print fabric, black lace ruffle and satin ribbon strings, and went as Laura Ingalls “Wilder.” It was pretty much lost on everybody except my local librarian. I wondered for a moment if I was playing into the hoochie-fication of Halloween, but I love me a good pun. Or in this case, a really bad pun.

  11. It’s amazing how difficult is was to find a cat costume for my little girl that was not a a “sexy” cat costume. She’s 3, yet all the costumes in her size involved fishnets and hot pink leopard print mini skirts. What type of cats do these people own?

    Last year I saw a picture of a “sexy Osama Bin Laden” costume. I think it was probably a joke, but it’s really not much more absurd than sexy Buzz Lightyear or Sexy Corn.

  12. That reminds me, I have to pick up my kids from preschool this afternoon, which is on the campus of San Diego State. I’m sure “sexy halloween costume” will be ubiquitous.

  13. Well – dare I say – it’s not just men who are the target market for such slutty wear. Afterall – they are, I am sure, plenty of lesbian women who enjoy such things as well.

    As fro your costume – will your bricks be “bare” or will they be shrouded with tapestries?

    1. Ha!

      I just realized all those plus-sized sexy female costumes? I actually think they’re for men in drag.

  14. The thing that really irks me with the sexy Halloween costume thing is that it trickles down into little girls’ costumes. My 9-year-old daughter wanted to be a tiger this year. Try Googling “girl’s tiger costume.” That was a real eye-opener. I ended up ranting about it a bit, though I tried to keep my seething Mama Bear righteousness at bay long enough to form some coherent thoughts about the whole business:

    1. I couldn’t agree more. It was hard finding that witch’s dress for a 6 year old. 6! They were all vaguely slutty. We finally found some sort of vampire dress that I cut up to make shorter. As in, to her ankles.

  15. The corn costume has so many sexy possibilities. They are not even trying. Come on, people. It’s not enough to wear a dress that looks like corn. It needs to be interactive. Husking? Hot. If we can invent the Glazed Donut Breakfast sandwich, certainly we can make a corn costume sexy.

    Also, what if Sandra Day O’ Connor dressed as sexy pizza? That is a game changer, right there. Or what if Nathan Lane dressed as Sandra Day O’Connor in a corn costume? I’m just saying the possibilities aren’t even being explored.

    And I weep for America.

  16. I have sidestepped this problem by focusing my kids on accessories. This way, we get to go to the costume store and explore and have fun, but I tell them at the get-go that we are not buying a ready-made costume (too expensive, I say – though I end up spending the same amount or more on random wigs and fake glasses and test tubes of fake blood). Plus we get a little creativity in there, and then kids having soemthing that looks costume like without me having to spend a piterest-ish amount of time sewing. This year, my 10year old is a “goth witch”, wearing a witch dress made of one of dad’s old black T-shirts plus a black scarf of mine plus leggings with spiderwebs on them plus a truly fabulout hat – oh and 2 inch long fake eyelashes. My 7 year old is a mad scientist, in an old white coat of mine, latex gloves, fake glasses, and his curly hair standing on end and sprayed white. I, myself, have spiderweb craft ribbon tied around my ponytail, which is about as far as I can go and have patients follow my advice. Boo!

  17. For me, sexy just doesn’t go with halloween. Halloween just makes me want to eat a bunch of candy, which I totally can’t resist…and I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’ve never had to go out and buy a replacement bag of candy prior to the big day because I ate the whole one that I bought a week earlier. Or that I’ve never gone out the day after and bought the half price bag just to have around because, hey, it’s on sale. So Halloween just makes me feel fat and definitely NOT sexy at all.

    That said, I hear you on the sexy costumes. Times like this I’m glad I have a boy…until he becomes a teenage boy who will need to understand that such things are not acceptable. We’ll work on that in the coming years.

  18. My 5 year old is still firmly planted in the Disney Princess for Halloween costumes..I’m actually looking forward to the day she doesn’t want to be one anymore. Thankfully, it’s not a slutty costume, dress down to ankles and very long sleeves and high bodice. She’s already made mention of Catwoman for next year and in googling those costumes, I think we will be coming up with something homemade for that one!

  19. Last year, while looking at the overflowing bin of dress up clothes my children own and can mostly still wear, I declared that I would not be buying any Halloween or Slut-o-Ween costumes this year. We would be using what we already owned to create something new. Each child was given $15 and we went to the store in search of wigs, face paint, and other accessories. I told them, they had to create something new using pieces we had, plus adding something new. I thought it was not only cost-effective, green, and creative. My kids actually had fun. I highly recommend it.

  20. Sigh. Girl Child is going as a witch. Basic witch. (With a definite Elphaba twist….)

    Three of her classmates came up with this little piece of brilliance: they are going as Rock, Paper, and Scissors. Not SEXY rock, paper, scissors. Not SLUTTY rock, paper, scissors. Just a rock (gray plastic garbage bag,) paper (cardboard cutout made to look like notebook paper,) and scissors (cardboard again…you get the idea.)

    A few years ago Girl Child dressed up as ‘the universe.’ My favorite costume of hers ever.

    Funny what kind of creativity jumps out when you limit girl’s and women’s choices, huh?

  21. The oddest one I saw this year was a sexy minion. I’m still not sure I understand how that can be possible.

    This year I was the lady in pain on her couch. Extra points were given for spending all day watching Netflix.

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