So about Ello

I want to write about Ello, but the truth of the matter is, it’s too late. When early adopter techno goth users are already complaining, you know it’s over. Plus, I’m not cool enough to have started Ello then quit it before anyone has even heard of it, making me a bougie slave-to-the-man poser like everyone else. All the important people say so.

I am planning on starting a social network that isn’t meant to be social. I’ll call it an unpronounceable symbol. Every avatar will be the same, as a metaphor for our lemming-like inner nature. When you search someone you know, you’ll only get a result for Mark Zuckerberg, to make you rethink the real definition of “friend.”

Bios may only be written in haiku form, and sneaking in an extra syllable will get you banned for life. Any bio containing the words guru, entrepreneur or mommy will get you banned for life. Typing an emoji and pressing “post” will force-quit your entire laptop. It may even explode. Then again, that would be cool; logging in from a public computer at the library gives you membership for life.

Brands may join for a fee of $20,000 each, but their posts may not show up in any feeds. You have to know to look for one. If you try to look for one, visit the search function which will be named forage, marked with the symbol of regurgitated cud. It’s only accessible on Thursdays after midnight.

There are no ads, but aren’t we all really just ads for ourselves?

The background will be black with teeny tiny white type (sans-serif) because nothing anyone says really matters anyway. Gifs are the most important form of communication, because whatever you think you have to say, someone else said it better and it was probably someone in a Will Ferrell movie.

It doesn’t matter how many friends you have because in the end you die alone.

I think it could be huge. Maybe even a David Fincher movie some day. Who has venture money?


26 thoughts on “So about Ello”

  1. I can’t tell if this is a critique on Ello specifically or on any social network looking to replace Facebook. I haven’t seen Ello yet, but I’ll tell you what, I would run, not walk, to a new social media site that does not data mine and require real names. All new social sites first comes across as exclusive and eventually becomes mainstream. From hipsters to grandmas in under a year.

    1. The only think I know is that it is supposed to “eat FB’s lunch.” And I don’t care

      1. Marke, it is definitely eating something so far. Or maybe I’m not cool enough for the idea that to enter a post you have to look for a teeny little hidden, greyed out arrow.

  2. My understanding when I heard about ello was that it was supposed to be ad free and and free of anti-social behavior that tends to make people wary of facebook and reddit … etc. … Of course the first thing I saw was its information page is titled “WTF” and it lets you distinguish people into friends and “noise.”

    Seems like it’s got the anti-social built in.

    I realize that invite-only stuff helps them expand while not getting overwhelmed … but as with Mammoth … it just feels like they are blowing smoke.

    1. Is there really a promise that anonymity allows for less anti-social behavior? I thought anonymity allowed for all people being welcome. Except you need an invitation. So…it’s an exclusive everyone welcome network. Or something.

      1. I didn’t think I was implying anonymity makes it more or less anti-social. I was just saying the design itself, including the words they use for section headers, seems unnecessarily snarky and mean-spirited.

    1. (And apparently proofreading before I hit “submit” is not my thing, so something that takes that into account would be good, too.)

  3. Its official. I’m old and painfully uncool. I have no idea what you just said…. After attending an internet safety program at a neighboring school, its becoming all the more clear how little I know. When I got pregnant 11 yrs ago, the digital world was a different place. I just want to stick my head in the sand. Its exhausting…and for me its just beginning.

  4. I joined because I’m a joiner, so I’m probably not who they want anyway.

    I think your unpronounceable symbol network ought to have Prince in every avatar though.

  5. I can smell the patchouli wafting off of the line of hipsters waiting to sign up from here.

  6. Have been following Your Momness for years. Love the branching out into Techno World. You may like my rant ‘What’s up with all the apps?’ on my (erg) blog. Or not.

  7. I’m in! Wait, I’m already out because I have entrepreneur in my bio 🙂
    always love your writing Liz

  8. I am so NOT a joiner, but am being forced because my company’s website was just launched. So this is making me finally feel sooo cool. I’m TURNING 55, so I an opportunity to feel cool! ‘…logging in from a public computer at the library gives you membership for life…’Love it! ‘…a social network that isn’t meant to be social’? Perfect for me (but not for my business). Wish there was a way around it, but nooo. I’m new to Mom101, but won’t be a stranger. I appreciate your take.

  9. Ha ha person second in from left top row is a friend of mine. Are those people you know already or people they recommend? His name is Matt.

    I landgrabbed Ello (later than everyone) and meh. Have not been back.

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